Chapter 13
RANGER
As Julian marches to the kitchen, I sit on the couch, clenching and unclenching my hands, then swiping them over my thighs.
I kissed him again…and he let me. That’s a good sign, I tell myself as I anxiously await Julian’s return from the kitchen.
We were definitely on the same page out there, and I can’t help but wonder what would’ve happened if we hadn’t been interrupted by that goat.
Cockblocked by a goat. The absurdity of the whole thing hits me, and I chuckle.
If I ever write a memoir, that would be the perfect title.
I laugh even harder, and by the time Julian comes back, a worried look on his face, the tears are streaming down my face.
Benny’s eyes are full of concern as well, and I pat his head to signal I’m fine.
I’m not fine, not in the bigger scheme of things, but right now, I choose to see the humor of a goat interrupting a hot kiss.
“You okay?” Julian asks. I really try to stop laughing, but it’s hard.
Unlike my cock, which has deflated, and that gives me another case of the giggles.
When I finally have myself under control again, Julian’s expression has changed from worry into something else. “I love seeing you laugh,” he says.
“You can thank that stupid goat,” I manage to say without breaking into a laughing fit again. Go me.
“Was that what you were laughing about?”
“I’ve decided that if I ever write a memoir, I’ll call it ‘Cockblocked by a Goat.’”
Julian chuckles, even if he rolls his eyes at the same time. “Butler is a menace, and he knows it.”
“So why are you keeping him?”
Julian shrugs. “Because he’s an animal who deserves to be taken care of. Things don’t have to be perfect to deserve care and love.”
I’m not oblivious to the deeper meaning in his words, and they warm my heart. “I’m far from perfect. In fact, I’m so damaged I don’t think I’ll even be whole again.”
“Perfection is boring. Flaws are what make people interesting…or animals, for that matter.”
He means it. I can’t tell how I know that, but I do. Well, he has an ornery goat and a deaf donkey. That speaks volumes of his character. Not to mention that his husky has an interesting personality as well. She’s been shooting daggers at Benny, who happily ignores it. Smart dog.
“So…” Julian says. “About that kiss…”
“The first one or the second one?”
A smile spreads over his face. “Either. Both. You said that you might be interested in more.”
“More kisses? Yes, for sure. More of other things, also an option. But, Julian…” I have to be honest with him. He has to know what he’s signing up for. “I’m not interested in anything more than casual fun.”
Julian cocks his head, placing his index finger on his lips as he studies me. “Casual sexy fun that includes the removal of clothes?”
“Preferably, yes.”
“Sounds good. I’m in.”
“Just like that?”
“What? You expected me to do a formal interview with you? Run a background check? It’s not like I don’t know anything about you.”
He’s got a point there, but still. This whole situation feels weird. Probably because I made it so with my way too-formal approach. For someone who insists on keeping things casual, I sure as fuck haven’t managed to match my tone to that goal. “Right. Okay, then.”
Julian’s expression softens. “You don’t have to talk about anything that’s uncomfortable for you, but can you tell me if you’ve done this before?”
“Casual sex and hookups? Sure. It’s all I’ve ever known. I’ve never had a serious relationship.”
Julian holds my gaze. “With men?”
Ah, that. “No,” I admit. “As you probably guessed, I hadn’t fully come to terms with the fact that I’m bisexual.”
Holy shit. I’m bisexual. It hits me all over again. Lucky once said that for those who aren’t straight, the first years are a constant series of coming out, both to others and themselves, and I’m starting to see what he meant.
“You look like you just had an epiphany,” Julian says.
I drag a hand through my hair. Damn, I need a haircut badly. “I may not have come fully to terms yet with me being bisexual,” I rephrase my earlier statement.
Julian frowns. “Are you saying you’re not bisexual? Or that maybe your brain isn’t quite as ready as your body for the casual, naked fun?”
“No. I’m saying that I am, but that it still feels very new…
and really big. I knew, but it just now hit me again.
My entire life, I’ve never considered myself to be anything else than straight, so to realize that I’m not is…
It’s still disorienting. My future has always implied a wife and kids, and this changes everything. ”
“Kids are still an option, you know,” Julian says.
“I know. My brother, Lucky, the one who called you first? He’s gay, and he has two partners. Trust me when I say that whatever I’m struggling with, it’s not fueled by some latent homophobia.”
“Okay.”
Of course I’ve managed to change the direction of the discussion again and make it all heavy and depressing.
Sometimes I feel like King Midas, except the things I touch don’t become gold but turn dark and gloomy, much like my soul.
And if that isn’t the most pathetic crap ever, I don’t know what is.
“I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for what?”
I sigh. “For making it so heavy and complicated. I didn’t mean to. This was supposed to be light and fun.”
“I understand, but we’re good. That being said, do you want to try it my way now?”
I nod eagerly. Whatever Julian has in mind has got to be better than my heavy-handed approach, right?
Julian jumps up from the couch and walks over to me. He gives me a second to become aware of what he’s about to do, then climbs onto my lap and kisses me. No talk, no disclaimers, just his lips on mine.
I open up for him, letting him in, and I close my eyes as he sweeps his tongue into my mouth as if he owns it.
He tastes like sunshine, like happiness, and I drink it in.
He wraps his hands around my neck, and I put my hands on his back and pull him toward me until not a sheet of paper could fit between us.
His tongue dances with mine, chasing me, then allowing me to conquer him before taking over again.
My stomach tickles, and nerves that have long been asleep fire up. Even jacking off had become too much effort lately, but now my cock is up and at ‘em, ready for deployment.
I slip my hands under his shirt, moaning into his mouth when my rough fingers find his smooth skin.
He’s so pretty, so gorgeous, and I can’t believe I’m allowed to touch him.
He arches his back, leaning into my touch, and I let go of his mouth and kiss a trail of kisses toward his neck, his ear.
He shivers, slowly grinding his groin against me.
“Can I touch you?” he whispers, and it takes me a second to realize why he’s asking.
I didn’t ask him because to me, the consent was implied, considering he was on my lap.
But he’s checking to make sure because he doesn’t want to trigger me.
And that’s so sweet and considerate, so classic Julian as how I’ve come to know him, that my stomach does a little somersault.
“Yes. Please.”
He yips like a happy puppy as he shoves his hands under my shirt and caresses my back. His fingers are warm and gentle, tender as he explores my skin, going slow and easy. What would it feel like to have him play with my nipple barbell?
No man has ever touched me like this. Hell, no man has ever kissed me.
It should’ve been Alex. As much as I love kissing Julian—and god knows I do—I can’t help but think that if I hadn’t been such an idiot, I could’ve shared my first kiss with Alex.
The thought makes me freeze, and Julian carefully pulls away. His eyes are full of concern as they meet mine. “Ranger?”
“Give me a moment,” I say between clenched teeth, and he does, sitting perfectly still while I will the darkness away.
I sigh when I have myself under control again. “I’m sorry.”
Julian climbs off my lap and takes a seat on the couch next to me. “It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. I wish I could tell you this won’t happen again, but…”
“Ranger, I’m well aware. I’ve worked with veterans for a few years now, and I’ve seen what PTSD can do. I’m telling you it’s okay. As long as you’re open and honest with me, we can make this work.”
Bitterness fills my mouth, a sharp contrast with Julian’s sweet lips. “You could do so much better than me, even for casual sex.”
Julian raises an eyebrow. “Your sales pitch needs some work, but you’re a great kisser, and you’re hot, so I’m willing to overlook that.”
Huh? I snap my head up. Amusement sparkles in his gaze. Oh, he’s teasing me, and my mouth curls up into a smile all on its own. “Thank you. I’ll work on it, I promise.”
“That’s all I’ll ever ask. Now, where were we?”