Chapter 15
RANGER
I’m getting better at this whole I-need-help thing, I think as I press on the green button on my phone and call my friend David. We haven’t talked in a while, but I know he won’t hold that against me. I texted him earlier today that I wanted to talk, and he gave me a good time to reach him.
“Ranger,” he says, his voice warm. “I’m so glad you called.”
“You don’t even know what I need from you,” I quip.
David chuckles. “Unless you’d ask for my firstborn, I’m pretty sure you couldn’t ask for a thing I wouldn’t give you.”
Did I mention David is a genuinely good guy? As a criminal defense attorney, he helped Heart get a retrial and get his sentencing reversed last year. For free, even though both Lucky and I offered to pay him.
“Dude, you don’t even have a child.”
“Like that’s ever mattered in any of the fairy tales. I’m just saying I won’t sign over the rights to my firstborn.”
Ranger laughed. “Good to know, but that’s not what I’m after. I just need your advice on something. Something personal. But let’s catch up first. How have you been?”
“Mack Stone,” David says, his tone strict, and yet I smile because I know he’s messing with me. “If you honestly think we’re gonna talk about the weather and all that crap when you drop a bomb like that, you’re sorely mistaken. You need personal advice? You shall have it. Hit me with it.”
He’s joking, but not entirely. I’ve rarely come to him for personal advice, so he’s well aware of how special this occasion is. But how do I segue into what I want to ask him? Is there a natural way to go from “How have you been?” to “By the way, I’m bi, and I have questions?”
I doubt there is, but I have to ease into this. “How’s your boyfriend?” I ask, unable to think of something better.
“My boyfriend? Which one? I think you’re about three boyfriends behind, but my latest one, Adam, is nice. He’s cute, tolerably conceited, and his ass is the stuff of wet dreams. Besides, he gives great head, but I’m sure you don’t need to hear the details.”
I close my eyes for a moment. “What if I do?” The line grows deadly silent, and I check my phone to make sure we haven’t been disconnected. “David?”
“Did you just ask me for details on my boyfriend’s oral skills?”
“More, like, tips?” I say sheepishly.
“Ranger, I know for a fact you’ve had blowjobs. I was there quite a few times. So why on earth would you need me to give you tips on… Oh. Oh.”
I take a deep breath. “I’m bi.”
“You’re bi.”
“Yes. Pretty sure.”
“We’ve known each other for how long now? Twenty-two years?”
We met in high school and became instant best friends, so that sounds about right. “Yeah.”
“And you’ve waited this long to tell me you’re bi when I could’ve done all my experimenting with you rather than with Nick Williamson? The fuck, man?”
It’s a classic David reaction, and I can’t help but laugh. “Sorry. I was a little slow.”
“Yeah, I’ll say. I’ve lusted after you for years, so this is highly disappointing.”
“You’ve lusted after me?”
“God, Ranger, have you seen yourself? Every person on the planet would kill to sleep with you, straight, bi, gay, or anything else. But rest assured, it was a safe lusting. Nothing I would’ve ever acted on in person.
Though if you’re declaring your undying love for me, I’ll jump into the car right now and show up on your doorstep within two hours.
Naked and horny as fuck. What do you say? ”
And this is why we’re best friends. He has the unique skill of breaking the tension and making everything seem lighter and easier. “Tempting, but no,” I say with a smile.
“Bummer. But why the shift in sexual orientation?”
The laugh on my lips fades. “I met someone…and lost him.”
“Oh, Mack…” David’s tone changes instantly, and his words wrap around me like a hug. “I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah. He was… He was special.” I clear my throat. “Anyway, so… Yeah, bisexual.”
“Welcome to the rainbow, man. I love having you…and your brother must’ve been thrilled.”
“I think he’s more relieved that I’m doing better.”
“Are you? Doing better, I mean?”
“Yes. Yes, I am. Lucky hooked me up with a charity that provides vets with a service dog, and that’s how I got Benny. I’ll send you a pic after, but he’s a golden retriever, and he’s become my best buddy. I’m working with his trainer, Julian, and it’s been a lifechanger for me.”
“And I’m gonna take a wild guess and say Julian is gay? And single?”
I’m not even gonna ask how he knows. We’re talking about a man who reads people for a living and is basically the human equivalent of a lie detector.
“Yeah. I’m not ready for a relationship, but I’m hoping to have some fun with him.
The kind of fun where we take our clothes off.
And when we do, I don’t wanna look like an idiot who doesn’t know what he’s doing… ”
“And you don’t want to talk sex with your brother,” David says, sounding like he completely understands. “Even though he’s in a relationship with a former porn star who knows more about sex than anyone we know.”
Okay, so maybe he doesn’t.
For a fleeting moment I consider reaching out to Heart, but then reality sets in.
I can’t do that. I don’t know him well enough to know how he feels about his porn star career, so asking him may stir up all kinds of bad memories.
I won’t do that to him. Besides, I’m not sure how Lucky would feel about being reminded of his boyfriend’s past. He’s never seemed to have an issue with it, but I’m not causing trouble for him if I can prevent it.
“Yeah.”
“Okay, I get it. You’ve come to the right place because there’s little I don’t know about gay sex. Hit me with it.”
A few years from now, I may look back on this conversation and see the humor in it, but right now, I’m ten kinds of mortified. But not embarrassed enough to forget about the whole thing. “I’ve watched plenty of gay porn, so I’m well aware of the mechanics of it.”
“Porn isn’t realistic. I hope you know that. They skip a lot of important steps, like consent and prep.”
I nod, even though David can’t see that. “Right. I’d gathered as much. But I have a different question. How do you determine…roles? How do you bring that up?”
“Good question,” David says and his serious tone makes clear he’s not gonna give me grief over this, bless him.
“The biggest mistake you can make is assuming. Just because someone has a certain body type doesn’t mean they prefer the role associated with that.
Like me, I mostly prefer to top, even though I’m often mistaken for a bottom. ”
I cringe. Did I really need to know that? On the other hand, I have to applaud him for being transparent and honest with me.
“So the best thing is to simply ask. Very few men will be offended if you bring it up as an open question. Like, do you prefer to top or to bottom, or are you vers?”
“Vers?”
“Versatile, meaning you like both. I’m somewhat vers because I’m not opposed to bottoming for the right guy, but it’s not my first preference.
Other men are completely top or bottom…or they don’t like anal sex at all.
There are a lot of fun things to do if that’s the case.
Anal is not the end-all, just to be clear. ”
I frown. Was I wrong to assume Julian wants anal sex? He seemed to have hinted at it, but David is right. I’d better double-check. “Okay. Let’s say we do want that. What do I need to know? What’s the stuff no one tells you?”
David is quiet for a moment. “That it can be beautiful but also disappointing. That sometimes your body doesn’t cooperate.
That it can be messy and embarrassing in terms of sounds and fluids and stuff, but also wonderfully intimate and special.
That it feels really good when it’s done right but awful when it goes wrong.
That you need a lot of communication to make it good, a lot of openness… or a lot of experience.”
“I don’t want to disappoint him…let him down,” I say softly. “I already have so little to offer him, so this has to work.”
“You’re putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself, bro. You’re also wrong. You’re an amazing man, and anyone would be lucky to have you, regardless of their gender.”
The sigh I let out seems to come from my soul. “I’m broken, man. Damaged. I’m not the Ranger you knew.”
“You forget that I knew you before you were Ranger…” David’s voice is infinitely kind and warm. “You were Mack when we met, just another high schooler. You were kind and strong and smart, and that hasn’t changed. You’re still Mack, even if you can’t be Ranger anymore. You know what I’m saying?”
My throat is tight. “Yeah.”
“You’ll find your way, Mack. I know you will. And I’m here, no matter what you need. Legal advice, a listening ear, all the tips on gay sex… I’m even willing to drive to your house and give you some personal instruction on how to give a good blowjob.”
Ah, there’s the foolish David again. “I love you, man.” I swallow, my emotions still dangerously close to the surface.
“I love you too, bro. Glad I can finally tell you that after twentysome years, no kidding.”
He’ll always make me laugh but in the best way. “At least I know your love will pass the test of time…and distance. Anyway, talk to me about what’s happening in your life.”
“No more sex questions? Damn.”
“I’m sure I’ll think of some later.”