Chapter 19
RANGER
I’m warm in my uniform, way too warm, sweating like crazy. The sun is burning down on me, and all I can think of is a cold can of Coke.
“I’d fucking kill for a beer,” Alex says, wiping his brow.
“No can do, Brooklyn. Now shut up and focus,” I say, and he reacts by winking at me.
His cheeky grin makes my heart warm and my cock hard, and I want to kiss it off his face. He’s so goddamn beautiful, and he knows it too, but it’s all part of his charm.
He’s still smiling when the bullet hits him, and then I’m covered in blood as I try to make it stop, but I can’t. His eyes stare at me, devoid of life, and I scream and scream and scream.
I wake up hyperventilating, my body drenched in sweat, shaking with tremors as Benny licks my face and has two paws on my chest. He whines, and I sink my hands into his fur, holding on to him for god knows how long until my breathing is finally under control and my body has stopped shivering.
I can barely think, my head pounding like a platoon of marching soldiers as it often does after a nightmare.
I don’t know if it’s because of hyperventilating and too much oxygen in my system or from something else, but every time I wake up in the middle of one, I feel like I got run over by a goddamn tank.
“That was a bad one,” I tell Benny, whose eyes are full of kindness and understanding. Don’t ever tell me dogs don’t know what’s going on. He damn well knows I’m suffering, and all he wants is to make me feel better.
The clock tells me it’s three AM, and my chances of getting more sleep are zero, so I might as well get up.
I force myself out of my bed, which is soaked from my sweat.
“Gonna take a shower.” Benny follows me into the bathroom, apparently determined not to leave me out of his sight.
I don’t think he trusts that I’m okay, and I gotta admit that he’s probably right.
The lukewarm shower helps cool me off and refresh, and by the time I towel myself off, I’m feeling slightly more human, though still unsteady.
I sigh when I walk into the bedroom and see the crumpled, dirty linens.
No way do I have the energy to change those now, so instead, I grab a blanket and head over to the couch in the living room, making a quick detour through the kitchen to get a bottle of water.
I’m not gonna sleep anyway, so the plan is to watch some TV.
The Home Shopping Network and I have become close friends over the last year.
In my defense, I’ve only bought four things, and so far, they turned out pretty good.
One was actually much better than I had expected, some weird Teflon-coated defrosting rack that rapidly defrosts meat.
I thought it was BS but put a frozen steak on there, and it’s really defrosted three times as fast. And no, I don’t want to talk about the fact that I’ve become the kind of person who is excited over defrosting steak.
I lie on the couch, Benny snuggled close to me, and mindlessly flip through the channels.
I watch half a rerun of House—why the fuck would they broadcast that in the middle of the night?
—then catch the last forty-five or so minutes from one of the Fast & Furious movies, and before I know it, dawn is breaking, and I’ve survived another night. Yay me.
I’ve lost count of the number of nights I’ve spent like this, but it’s been a lot.
Though I have to admit this was the first nightmare in a while.
I’ve been sleeping better lately. As soon as I wonder why, I immediately have the answer: Julian and Benny.
Or Benny and Julian. I never knew that having a dog in bed with me would make a difference, but it does. He’s like a stuffed animal, only real.
And Julian is… As soon as I think of him, my lips curve up in a smile.
He’s sweet and funny, and hanging out with him has been amazing.
We’ve had one more meetup since our tumble in the hay—a highly satisfying mutual hand job session.
I think I’m ready for more, but I’m not sure how to go about it.
Do I flat out ask him? Like, hey, J, can I blow you?
I wince. It sounds so blunt. Surely there has to be a sexier way to approach this. I check the clock. Six fifteen. He’ll be awake, Mr. Corporate Hotshot Lawyer.
Ranger
How do I ask someone if they want a blowjob?
David
I can be there in an hour.
I snort.
Ranger
Not you, asshole.
David
I’m willing to sacrifice myself in the name of your research.
Ranger
How honorable of you.
David
I know. And I do have a pretty nice dick if I do say so myself.
Ranger
I’ll take your word for it.
David
You sure? Happy to send you a pic…
He cracks me up. It’s a rare combination, someone as smart as he is with his silly sense of humor.
It’s funny because in a way, he reminds me of both Alex and Julian.
Their type of humor is all different, but they all make me laugh.
Or made me, in Alex’s case. My chest fills with the now-familiar sadness, though it’s a little more mellow each time.
Ranger
I’ve kissed this guy, and we’ve done frotting and hand jobs, but I’m ready to do more. Do I ask him? Tell him? Hint? What’s the protocol here?
David
Any of the above will work. Or next time you see him, kiss him, put your hand on his dick, and say you’d love to taste him. I have yet to meet a man who will say no to that.
As always, David knows when to get serious. His timing has always been impeccable.
Ranger
OK. So no real protocol, is what you’re saying.
David
No. It depends on how you guys communicate. Some men prefer to keep it subtle, and they’ll hint and use nonverbal signals. Others want explicit consent, and they’ll ask for it.
Julian is serious about consent, but I think the nonverbal thing would work with him. He’s more worried about triggering me, I think, than about anything else. He’s already made clear he’s up for more.
Ranger
Thanks.
David
Feel free to text me a play-by-play later. Happy to review with you.
Ranger
SO not gonna happen.
David
Damn. Worth a try.
Just as I want to put my phone down and make myself some breakfast, it dings with an incoming message. It’s Julian, texting a selfie of himself with Doc wearing a straw hat for some reason. They both look adorable.
Julian
Good morning. Did you sleep well?
I hesitate. I hate dumping my sads on him first thing in the morning, but it doesn’t seem right to lie to him either.
Ranger
You two look cute.
Just when I’m convinced I’ve successfully evaded his question, Julian texts me back.
Julian
I’ll take that as a no, then.
Ranger
Not really, no. Nightmare. Woke up around 3.
Julian
I’m so sorry. I hope you’ll be able to get a nap in this afternoon.
People often think that “I’m sorry” is an empty cliché. It’s not. I’d ten times rather hear that than have people try to fix my problems for me. I love it that Julian isn’t giving me advice, telling me what to do. He’s just with me in this, offering me support and nothing else.
Ranger
Thank you. I’m planning on it. Trying to find the energy now to make myself breakfast.
Julian
Want some company?
My immediate thought is to say no. I don’t want him to see me so tired. It will take me a few hours to recover from this. But at the same time, the idea of seeing him makes my heart beat faster. I always feel better when he’s around. I take a deep breath.
Ranger
Love some.