Chapter 23
RANGER
“What does it mean when a guy tells you he’s kind of crazy about you?” I blurt out as soon as Lucky picks up. I’ve only been contemplating that very question for the last forty-eight hours, trying to play it cool with Julian while at the same time panicking every time I think about him.
I hear someone talk in the background. “It’s Ranger. Go back to sleep, Mase,” Lucky says softly, and I can hear him walk away.
Oops. I cringe. Guess I should’ve checked the time before I called him at seven in the morning on a Saturday.
In my defense, I’ve been awake for two hours already.
Apparently, that’s what happens when you go to sleep at nine.
Who fucking knew? I’ve done my yoga routine, greeting the sun and all that crap, and I’ve even had breakfast already. Major points for adulting today.
“I love you, but why the everloving fuck are you calling me at the ass crack of dawn to talk about your love life?” Lucky mutters, still sounding like he’s half-asleep. That won’t last long. We’re the same: instantly awake. “You couldn’t wait until a more godly hour? What are you doing up anyway?”
“Sorry? I forgot to check the time.”
“Are you okay?” Lucky’s voice is sharp now, and I feel awful.
“I am. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. Want me to call back later?”
He scoffs. “Like I could fall asleep again now. I’m already making coffee, so spill.”
“I’ve been sleeping better…getting up earlier as a result.”
“That’s great, but not the kind of spilling I meant. Who said he was kind of crazy about you? When did it happen, and why is it a problem?”
Calling my brother was a spectacularly bad idea, wasn’t it? I’m never gonna hear the end of this. What the fuck was I thinking? “Julian.” I resign myself to the inevitable.
“Ah. You took my advice about having some casual fun with him.”
“Yes.”
“And was that statement uttered with a clear state of mind, or can you attribute it to the throes of passion?”
I snort. “Have you been reading romances again?”
“I’ll have you know I’m intimately familiar with the throes of passion. In fact, last night we—”
“Yeah, yeah. I believe you. Don’t need details, man.”
“Damn. Just when I was about to give you a play-by-play…”
I shudder, even though I know damn well he’s messing with me. “Can we focus on me again?”
“You haven’t answered my question.”
Right. The throes of passion. “I don’t think it qualified.”
“Want me to make sure? Just say the word…all the words, in specific detail. This is one area where I won’t mind you being long-winded.”
God, he’s such an ass. But I don’t know who else to ask. “He was giving me a massage.”
“With a happy ending?”
I think back on the unforgettable feeling of Julian’s fingers in my hole, electrifying my spine, my balls, my dick.
Some of the details are a little hazy. It was impossible to pay proper attention, what with him leading me straight to paradise’s door, but I’m pretty sure I shamelessly fucked myself on his fingers.
Hello, prostate, nice to meet you. I clear my throat. “A very happy ending.”
“Was it good?”
“Yeah.”
“And he told you he liked you.”
“He said he was kind of crazy about me…and I said I was a little crazy about him as well. And now I’m wondering what that meant and what the fuck is happening here.”
“It sounds to me like he genuinely likes you.” Lucky’s tone has changed, all the teasing gone.
The panic is back in full force. “What does that mean? This was supposed to be casual, fun. I told him I wasn’t ready for a relationship, for anything serious.”
“Mack, he likes you. It’s the same as when a girl or a woman told you she liked you.”
I feel like a complete moron. “I’m… That hasn’t happened to me since high school, so forgive me if my memory is a little foggy.”
“Do you like him?”
My mouth curls up in a smile of its own volition. Just thinking of Julian makes me…happy. He’s funny and positive, encouraging and inspiring. And I love how he’s so open in expressing his appreciation of my body and me as a person. He makes me want to do better, try harder.
“I do.”
“One sec.” A coffee machine bubbles and sputters, then the unmistakable sound of fluid dripping into a cup. “Finally. Coffee,” Lucky says with a sigh, and we’re both quiet for a few beats.
“Do you feel guilty?” he finally asks.
I’ve wondered that myself. It’s the most obvious explanation, isn’t it?
That I’d experience guilt toward Alex. But that’s not it.
It’s more that I feel so woefully unready for anything serious, as damaged and incomplete as I am.
Julian deserves better. “I don’t think I do.
He and I were never together, so it’s not like I’m betraying him. ”
“But you loved him. Even if it never came to anything, you loved him. Maybe subconsciously it makes you guilty to move on so quickly?”
Frowning, I walk out the front door and sit on the rocking chair on the porch, Benny by my side.
He’s alert, clearly picking up on my stress, and I rub his head.
But it seems he’s only half-assured. He sits down next to me but doesn’t lie at my feet.
He’s keeping an eye on me, and it’s the best thing in the world.
Why is Lucky arguing this point with me? “It’s been a year. Is that really so quickly? Besides, even if Julian likes me and I enjoy spending time with him, that doesn’t mean we’re in a serious relationship.”
“But you’re getting there.”
“So what?” I snap. “Don’t I deserve some fucking happiness?”
And then it hits me. Fucking asshole is doing what he always did best: playing devil’s advocate.
“You do, bro, and it’s time you fully accept that as well. If being with Julian brings you joy, then embrace that, regardless of where it leads. You deserve to be happy, so allow yourself to feel it…”
I’m just about to answer him when I spot something in the distance. Smoke. I hadn’t noticed it before as the sun was still rising, but it’s unmistakable now. I sniff the air, and the burning scent tickles my nose. How close has that forest fire gotten? My heart skips a beat. Julian.
“Hold on,” I tell Lucky as I quickly pull up the app that shows all the fires. I zoom in, and my heart jumps into overdrive. It’s right on his doorstep. “I need to go.”
“Mack, I’m sorry if—”
“No, it’s not that. The Segura fire… It’s only miles away from Julian now. He—”
“Go. We’ll talk later. Go!”
I end the call, then immediately call Julian. I’m already out the door, grabbing the bag I packed days ago just in case. It’s got precious little: some clothes, Alex’s letter and things, one photo album, my uniform, and my medals. I don’t care about anything else.
Julian picks up within seconds. “It’s…it’s bad.” he says, his voice breaking. “The wind changed direction overnight. We just got the order to evacuate. I don’t know what to do.”
“I’m on my way.”