Chapter 33
RANGER
We take the boat out of the harbor on the engine, maneuvering slowly to avoid all the other water traffic.
It’s a gorgeous day, and we’re far from the only ones seeking some relief from the scorching temperatures on the water.
The danger is that on days like these, the newbies venture out as well—would-be sailors who’ve steered a boat once or twice and now think they’re ready to take her out by themselves. Spoiler alert: they’re not.
I handle the engine while Lucky is at the wheel, keeping a close eye on what happens around us and getting out of harm’s way. Benny is at my feet or, more accurately, on my feet, and Julian is chatting with Mason and Heart. He looks happy, and my nerves over this outing ease a little bit.
I want him to like Lucky and his men, and I want them to love him as much as I do.
Like him, I mean. I frown. It’s way too soon to talk about love.
Falling in love doesn’t happen that fast. Does it?
It can’t. I’ve only known him for a few weeks.
Okay, months, but still. Love doesn’t develop that quickly.
Love needs time to grow. I think. Not something I want to dwell on now, not while I need to concentrate… and while Julian is nearby.
We’re finally past most of the busy traffic on the water, and the Pacific Ocean stretches out before us, endless and inviting in her majestic beauty.
My dad often joked that he’d expected me to join the Navy, not the Army, and he wasn’t wrong.
I love the water, always have. But Lucky had announced he wanted to join the Marines when he was, like, thirteen, and I chose the Army.
Was I comparing myself to him even back then?
With my head leaned back and my eyes closed for a moment, I let the sun warm my face, a gentle breeze offering a welcome relief.
It’s been way too long since I was out on the water.
The last time was with Lucky and his men, over a year ago.
Wow. I can’t believe I didn’t set foot on a boat for that long.
More and more, I realize PTSD is bigger than the triggers and the flashbacks and the anxiety and shit.
It’s affected my mental energy in a big way, making me want to curl up into a ball and sleep.
It’s only been lately that I’ve not only had the physical energy to do something but the mental power as well.
Lucky signals me that it’s time to hoist the sails, and the two of us work in the easy companionship we’ve always had.
I turn the bow into the wind while Lucky loosens the main sheet and checks the halyard.
Without saying a word, we each run through the mental checklist we’ve done a thousand times before, and then we hoist the sails.
The wind catches them immediately, and off we go. Mason lets out a little squeal, and Lucky grins. “Hang on, baby,” he calls out to him, but Heart’s already wrapped his arm around him.
We’ve picked a perfect day for our sailing trip.
The wind is strong enough to give the boat a good speed but not so forceful it could cause problems for experienced sailors like us.
Lucky runs up the two jibs, and I whoop in excitement when they, too, catch the wind.
I quickly check on Julian. He’s laughing, his face raised toward the sun.
We’re flying over the water, the wind and sea spray on my face, and my god, it’s invigorating.
“Everyone good?” Lucky checks in, and he gets nods from everyone, so we’re good to go. They seem to enjoy it as much as we do.
We let her fly for at least twenty minutes until we’re far away from everyone else with other boats only in the distance. On my nod, Lucky lets out the sheets until we slow down significantly.
He jerks his head, indicating I should join Julian, and I do, finding a spot next to him. He immediately comes huddling close, a big smile on his face. “I wasn’t too sure about the whole sailing thing, but that was awesome. We went so fast!”
“This baby can fly,” I say, petting the deck of the boat like a good friend.
“Time for snacks,” Lucky announces, and Heart opens the cooler we brought. Julian hands me an ice-cold Coke, winking at me. He knows my preferences well by now.
We chat as we drift on the water, munching on chips and cookies.
“Can we go swimming?” Heart asks.
“Sure,” Lucky says. “Just make sure to wear a lifejacket.”
We take down the sails completely, and within minutes, Heart and Julian are swimming in the Pacific. Mason is sitting on the lowest step of the stairs, happy to merely have his lower body in the water. Smart man.
“I can’t tell you how good it is to see you this happy,” Lucky says softly. The two of us have stayed on board and are sitting shoulder to shoulder, watching the others.
“It’s been a while.”
“He’s good for you.”
“He is. I still don’t know what he sees in me, but I’ll take it as long as he’s happy with me.”
“Ranger…” He’s quiet, a frown between his brows.
“What?”
“I don’t know if I should bring this up.”
“You might as well now that you’ve already started it.”
Lucky lets out a frustrated sigh. “I’m sorry. I should’ve thought before opening my mouth. Just… Just promise me that if you don’t want to talk about this, you’ll tell me.”
I nod, curious now what’s on his heart.
“Why are you always so hard on yourself? You always have been, even as a teen, but it’s gotten even worse the last year. I don’t understand.”
Leave it to Lucky to get right to the heart of the matter, to what I’m only beginning to understand myself. “It’s a fair question…one that I don’t have all the answers to yet, but that I’m trying to figure out.”
I drag a hand through my hair as I gather my thoughts.
“I’ve always compared myself to you. We’re close in age, so maybe it’s normal, but…
I looked up to you. I was the older one, and yet you felt so much more mature to me.
You knew you wanted to join the Marines when you were thirteen or so, and you went for that goal single-mindedly.
You’re so focused and disciplined, and it seemed to come so easy and natural to you… ”
“You were jealous of me?” Lucky sounds shocked as if he never even considered that possibility.
“In a way, yes. But not negatively jealous. More like…I wanted to be more like you. And when you left the Marines, you did so with your head held high, and you switched to civilian life like it was nothing. I just… I felt like a failure compared to you. I still do.”
I hate that my voice breaks near the end. Absolutely goddamn hate it. And I swear that if Lucky so much as touches me in comfort right now, I’ll break. Maybe he realizes it because he stays where he is, though the muscles in his arm are twitching.
“I don’t know what to say,” he says finally. “It’s utter and complete bullshit, and deep down, I’m sure you know that, but that’s the rational reaction. You can’t help how you feel subconsciously.”
“No, I can’t. And yes, I know it’s not true. But I’ve had some issues convincing my nonrational brain of that.”
“Yeah. You should work on that,” Lucky jokes lamely.
We sit for a long time, neither of us speaking. Even though it doesn’t solve the problem, I still feel better after telling him.
“Did I ever do anything to make you feel like you were less than me?” Lucky then asks, and I shot him a sideways glance. His face is tight, a crease between his brows.
“No. This was all me.”
“Are you sure? Because even if it was some stupid joke, some misguided attempt at being funny—which we both know is not my forte—I’ll apologize right now. I never, ever meant for you to feel this way.”
I lay my hand on his arm. “You didn’t. And yes, you don’t have a sense of humor, but I love you anyway, bro.”
He scoffs, but his mouth pulls up in a faint smile. “Like you’re Mr. Hilarious.”
“Oh, I’m not. You know who really is funny, though? Julian. He cracks me up.”
“You needed someone who made you laugh.”
“From your lips to God’s ears. Now let’s hope I can manage to hang on to him.”
“He’s in love with you,” Lucky says quietly.
“What?” I take my hand off his arm.
“He’s head over heels in love with you.”
“How the fuck would you know?”
“Because I know what love looks like, you dork. It’s how Mason and Heart look at each other and how they both look at me, and I’m pretty sure that every time I’m with my men, I have that same dopey expression, that same gleam in my eyes.”
I let that sink in. “He’s in love with me?”
“I’m telling you.”
If Lucky is right, then why didn’t Julian say anything? As soon as I ask myself the question, I know the answer. He was already scared to confess he wanted more than a fling because he thought he was going too fast. No way would he come right out and tell me he loves me.
“Can love grow that quickly?” I ask my brother.
“Love has no time table. For some people, it takes weeks, months, or even years. Others fall in love at first sight. Just listen to your heart.”
Here we are, two of the toughest men, with our military background, and we’re talking about feelings and shit. Take that, toxic masculinity. This is way better than pretending to be fine any day.
“I haven’t told him about Alex yet. He knows there was someone, but no details.”
“He deserves to know, but take your time. He loves you even without knowing all the facts. I doubt that will change.”
I nod. He’s right. “I need you to tell me how to plan the most romantic date ever. I want next-level cheesy.”
“You’ve come to the right man.” Lucky’s face splits open in a big grin, and as our men splash carefree in the ocean, he and I plan a date that would make The Bachelor look like amateurs.