16. Kato
KATO
The floor of a machinery barn isn’t the most ideal spot for post-coital cuddles and pillow talk, but we make it work. Somehow.
Devoid of any of the usual romance, I’ll admit, but I guess that’s true of our relationship so far.
Me, Nathan, and Cas, I mean. Not a lot of romance in it anywhere.
It’s been mostly fight or flight. Fight or fuck?
A lot of f-words and painfully little in the way of anything more sensual and intimate than being inside each other, and the small, pathetic part of me does want all that. For all three of us.
But I’ll take this for now.
We clean up the best we can and sit together on the dirty concrete, backs to the wall and heads tipped against each other’s.
My neck’s still throbbing from his mark—which shouldn’t be possible, but I know in my bones it is.
A mark. A real one. I know I’m his as surely as I know Cas is ours.
My awareness of him is so acute it’s like I’m inside his skin.
Every breath, every blink, every twitch—I feel like it’s my own.
When he draws in a breath to sigh, I feel my own chest expand in sympathy.
And maybe I should feel some kind of way about it, but all I feel is a happiness that directly contradicts the absolutely fucked mess we’re in. I like it, being his. I guess it’s what I’ve wanted the whole time.
“I didn’t know,” I say at last, breaking the silence between us.
Nate stirs. “Know…?”
“That you were like that. With alphas.” I push my nose against his shoulder. “Unless I’m special.”
He snorts softly. “You’re special, sure. You’ve got my mark, don’t you?”
I do feel pretty fucking special about that. That’s gotta be a world first. Or some kind of first. Would be interesting to find out, but one thing at a time. “You know what I mean. Have you been on the DL with other alphas this whole time or something?”
He smiles a little. “No, you’re not the first alpha I’ve been with. Just the first one in…a long time.”
“I’m sensing a story.”
“Just a sad one.” His beard is scratchy as his lips brush my forehead. “Not worth recounting.”
“I’ll hear it if you wanna tell it.” When he doesn’t answer right away, I lift my head to look at him.
He’s got a faraway look in his eyes, remote, almost cold, and I can feel him recede from me like a tide going out.
“Unless—sorry. You don’t have to,” I say quickly. Leave it to me to ruin the moment.
Nate’s quiet a few heartbeats longer, turning his face away so it’s hidden in shadow. “We were teenagers,” he says at length. “Me and Seth. We were both about sixteen. We never went further than just kissing, but…that’s when I knew. That I was attracted to alphas more than anyone else.”
“Seth,” I say. “I don’t know any wolf named Seth.”
“That’s because he’s not around anymore.
” Nate’s throat works as he swallows. “He left after Declan caught us. His parents decided it was best to remove him from temptation.” He laughs hollowly.
“At least they took him with them. Mine waited until the doctor assured them I wouldn’t lose my leg and then left in the middle of the night.
I woke up—half out of my mind on painkillers—to a note telling me the house and the cabin were mine, and that I should be ashamed of what I’d done, ruining that innocent young alpha’s life. ”
And I thought I had it bad. “Is that why…” I touch my chin to his shoulder. “Your limp?”
He nods. “I tried afterwards, you know? I really tried to not be attracted to alphas. Spent years ignoring any feelings towards anyone that wasn’t an omega.
But…it’s just how I’m wired. And, well.” He folds his arms over his knees, his bad leg trembling slightly.
“Carrying around the reminder from your uncle helped, in a way. Nothing like a constant ache to act as a warning to not step out of line again.”
“Christ, Nate. I’m so sorry.”
He shrugs. “He was going to punish us both, but I begged him to leave Seth alone. Let him fuck me up bad for it. I’d do it again in a heartbeat, knowing that it meant he didn’t hurt Seth. I’d do it for anyone I loved.” His gaze meets mine. “I hope you know that.”
My throat closes in an all-too-familiar ache. That fear when I left him behind, surrounded by feral, rutting alphas. Unsure if I’d ever see him alive again. “I don’t want you to get hurt because of me. I never want that.”
“And yet…” His mouth twists in a wry smile. “You’ve got a knack for finding trouble, Kato. You’ve got to admit it.”
“That last time was Cas.” Although blaming him doesn’t feel right, either, so I course-correct. “This is all his psycho ex-boyfriend’s fault, actually. If he hadn’t—”
“They weren’t exes,” Nate interrupts me, because he simply can’t resist, not even during our touching heart-to-heart.
“Whatever.” I butt my face against his like a cat, and with a long-suffering sigh he allows it.
I’m fucking delighted that he can’t ignore me begging for affection anymore because I’m his and he’s mine.
It’s a very unexpected bright spot in this awful mess.
I actually hope we all survive long enough to enjoy this bond to its fullest extent—strange and impossible as it is.
(Hope. Now that’s a strange one for me. I haven’t felt it in a while.)
Besides, I can feel Nate likes it. Deep down.
He rumbles in his chest, soft and affectionate, letting me know that he does.
He lets me climb halfway into his lap and wrap my arms around him, his hands going to my waist, and man does it feel good to be there.
We fit perfectly together like we were made for each other. Strange, but true.
All that’s missing is our third, jagged little piece.
“What about you?” he asks me. “Have you been with other alphas?”
“I’ve been with everyone,” I say. “Alpha, omega, beta. Especially after—um…”
When I hesitate, Nate doesn’t push me. He simply nuzzles my jaw, his beard tickling and scratching, but I enjoy the sensation. It’s sort of grounding, actually. He’s so solid beneath me.
“I had an omega,” I say at last. “Back in Anchorage. His name was Everett. We were waiting till his birthday to mate. It was gonna be a whole thing for us, you know? Something really special.”
My voice catches and I stop. Nate waits a moment before he says, “‘Was’?”
“He went on a hunting trip with his family the weekend before.” My voice is flatter now. “He fell through some ice in the middle of the night. And that…was that. Happened last year.”
“Oh, Kato.” He noses my mark gently. “I’m sorry.”
“Everything went off the rails, then. Everything. I just lost the fucking plot, man. I was drinking and fighting with everyone and—I mean, that’s why I’m here.
Because I went too far with it. Grieving, I guess.
In the most fucked up way possible. I didn’t care, though.
I didn’t want to live anymore, so it didn’t matter who I hurt.
I’ve always been a stupid fuck-up and a black sheep, never good enough for my dads, never as perfect as my big brother.
Everett was the only person who ever loved me the way I was.
Didn’t have any great expectations of me. ”
“That’s not true,” the alpha says gently.
I don’t say anything. It’s hard, with my breath catching in my throat the way it has. I’m not going to ask Nathan to tell me he loves me at gunpoint. Not just because he feels bad, not if he doesn’t mean it.
Feels good, though, thinking that he could. Maybe. Or maybe it’s just the warmth I feel from him through our brand-new and highly improbable bond that’s so intoxicating.
His forehead tips against mine. “You scared about tomorrow?” he whispers.
“Not for me,” I whisper back. “Just you. And Cas. I don’t care what happens to me. As long as you guys are fine—that’s all that matters.”
“You’d better start,” he says wryly. “Considering it’s all one and the same now.”
“Well, fuck.”
“We could all die anyway, I guess. If your uncle’s pissed off enough.”
“He wouldn’t,” I say, with more certainty than I feel. “Right? Has he killed anyone for this kind of stuff in the past? You know him better than I do.” When he doesn’t say anything, I needle him. “Nate?”
“Look at my bloody leg, Kato. Declan’s not a reasonable man.”
“Well, great. Guess I’ll just fucking die without ever knowing what it’s like to have you inside me.”
“All the more reason to live,” he asserts. “If nothing else.”
And then he kisses me again, and again, and for a little while I forget that we might very well be walking to our deaths in the morning. For now, it’s just him and me.