Chapter 14
FOURTEEN
"Tia, please," I called out, desperation lacing my voice. I wished it wasn’t there. It sounded so pathetic, but I needed her to hear me. I needed her to know that this wasn’t what I wanted—that I needed her.
She bit down on her lip, shaking her head as she stepped back from me. "I'm sorry," she whispered, sucking in a shaky breath. "I have to go."
"No. We can talk." I moved towards her.
She stopped, and for a moment, I thought maybe she was going to stay, but then she shook her head again. There were tears in her eyes, those green eyes of hers glistening. "Please. Don’t make this harder than it already is."
Hope. That’s what it was. I had hope in her words. She was so deep inside my psyche, like her emotions were my emotions. It was hard to decipher which was which. "It doesn’t have to be hard. If it is, then you don’t want this either." It was a struggle to keep the panther out of my voice. I felt his growl reverberate along my throat as I spoke. He wanted to be the one to do this, to make her stay. "I don’t understand what happened. Did..." I wanted to ask again about the humans, but they hadn’t hurt her, not in the way I had feared. I'd have felt it if she’d lied or if she’d been covering. A trauma like that always felt dark, deep. I could pick up what a person had gone through—rape, an attack, seeing someone being killed. They had feelings and tastes, like I could feel the colour of them and know exactly what they were, but that wasn’t it with Tia.
With her, it was different, and I know that's cliché. Maybe some of it was clouded by what my panther wanted, but I couldn’t make sense of it, and neither could he. What she was feeling was pain, anguish, and some kind of fear I didn’t understand either. But unless she talked, we’d never know.
I moved forward again, and to my panther's heart, she moved towards me too. It made him soar. She put her hand to my chest, peered up at me.
"We can talk about this," I said. "Whatever it is, we can talk and work through it. Nothing is impossible."
She might have been standing there with me, might have had the contact and could feel my heart beating, but she was still shaking her head, her breathing hitched. If it wasn’t for the tears in her eyes and the couple streaking down her face, I’d have thought ... I don’t know really. But I reached to wipe one away, and she let me.
"Whatever it is," I said softly, placing my hand on hers.
She hesitated a moment. "It has to be this way. I wish it wasn’t."
"Why? Make me understand. Because what you’re saying and what you’re feeling are two different things."
Maybe she didn’t like that because the green in her eyes sharpened, and I swear to God, I felt shutters come down in our minds. It was like hitting a black membrane between us. "I'm going to go now. I don’t want you to follow me. If you feel anything for me, then respect what I’m telling you."
"And if I don’t believe you?"
She pressed her lips into a firm line and studied me. I reached a hand out, daring to tuck her hair behind her ear. She didn’t stop me, and I’m sure she leant a little into that touch, but she caught herself. "Do you love me, Raven?"
"Yes. With every part of me."
She nodded. "And I love you too. I love you so much that it hurts. When they took you away, I ..." She paused, and I felt it. Felt her recall the moment. "I thought they were going to kill you. I thought that would be it for us."
"So you're ending it?"
"No." She swallowed hard, slid her hand from mine. "I have to go. I'm sorry." Her voice was barely above a whisper. "Go home, Raven. Be safe."
It was a fight inside me. Me and my panther. He had no pride, not where she was concerned. He wanted to run after her, to beg. He demanded it of me, and I almost did. It was as if I knew that doing that would make her stay, but I was man enough not to.
Instead, I watched her disappear into the shadows and forced my panther down, pushing him back, and slamming every mental wall into place I could manage. Tia’s form melted into the darkness, leaving me standing alone in the cold, unforgiving early hours. The sharp sting of her rejection was worse than any wound I could have endured. My heart shattered, fragments slicing through my chest with every beat.
I leant against the cold brick wall, pressing my forehead to its rough surface, trying to steady my breathing. My hands fisted at my sides, knuckles white, nails digging into my palms until I drew blood. The pain was a welcome distraction.
"Damn it, Tia. Why?"
My thoughts spiralled, and I couldn’t stop the torrent of emotions. Anger flared, hot and fierce, mingling with the sorrow that weighed me down. I punched the wall. I'm not proud of that, but I did. I punched it hard, sending shock waves of pain up along my arm, but it did nothing to ease the ache.
I closed my eyes and tried to force the images of her from my mind, but it was nearly impossible. Her face, those eyes—so bright, yet so full of pain—haunted me.
I had to find a way to fix this, to bring her back.
My panther paced restlessly, a caged beast craving release. He didn’t care for her reasons. He only knew that she was his, and she was leaving. The animalistic urge to hunt and claim was overwhelming.
Time. Maybe. I'd give her time.
I pushed off the wall and began to walk. Each step was so heavy, and my panther pushed. I clenched my fists. Sent a silent whisper to her.
"If you can feel what I feel, you know I’d tear the world apart for you."
Then I ran. I had to. It was the only way to gain control over the panther, to run, to let him shift as we moved. I tore at my clothes, shredding my shirt, yanking off the joggers. They didn’t matter—just tatty clothes I’d taken. But he needed this. I wasn’t so afraid that he’d take over and turn back. I think, I hoped, that I had enough control so he wouldn’t do that. But he had to run, to get everything out of his system, and then maybe he’d be willing to listen to reason. That was my hope, at least.
Sometimes, he and I were like one—two halves of a soul in one body. And other times, like this, when logic and instinct battled each other, I felt so separate.
I let him run through the shadows, guiding him the way we’d come through the human-only areas, keeping to the back alleys and the quiet roads. The places I knew they’d not catch us, but also, places I knew would be quiet. I might have had some semblance of control on him as regards to Tia, but he was a bomb ready to go off. It’d take one wrong person in front of us. Part of me wished I’d come across those guys again. But then part of me was glad I didn’t.
We reached the building where I lived and snuck into the shed. I was panting. We’d pushed. Run faster than we ever thought we could. My panther had used it, fueled it. Determined not to feel what he was feeling either. As I shifted, my body ached, my head throbbed, and I had to catch my breath. I’m not even sure my eyes fully shifted back because as I stood, leaning against the shed wall for support, the colours of the world were still tinged, and I knew if I spoke, it’d not be my voice coming out.
"Easy," I thought.
We couldn’t go into the place through the main stairs. My mother wasn’t in, and I had no key. We didn’t have one hidden either. Not with my mother's ever-paranoid mind, so it was back to the balcony again. Which wasn’t as easy as it was leaving. I had to climb, but it was later. So, I had to not be spotted.
I got to my balcony, eased myself over, and dropped down. Opening the door, I slipped inside. The place was in darkness, but I didn’t need a light to see my mother sitting there.
I ground my jaw. “I thought you were working tonight,” I said.
“I got one of the girls to cover for me.”
I braced myself. I was ready for it. Whatever she had to say, whatever she wanted to do, but I said, “I don’t want to fight.” My panther was still teetering on the edge.
She rose from her seat, gestured to the empty chair. “No fighting. Can we talk?”