29. amelia
29
AMELIA
T he previous night weighed heavily on me. Not in a negative way though. Every time I blinked, I saw flashes of what Gray and I had shared. These flashes were not limited just to our sexual encounters; they encompassed moments long before and after as well. When I looked down at my wrists, I could still almost feel the rough binds. What was real, however, were the scattered bruises I had discovered on my body that morning.
No surprise there, considering how we had interacted with each other. The exhilaration in my chest continued because, in recent years, I had not experienced anything that stirred the same emotions inside me.
I was content—fundamentally. I felt comfortable. Safe. Secure. As if I had stumbled upon this place I had never sought but was exactly where I needed to be.
With each passing day spent in Gray's presence, I became more aware of what I had been missing all along and, more importantly, what I needed to be happy. Content.
And that did not include a bustling city or a life dominated by cutting-edge technology. Out here, my phone did not matter; I did not miss having a TV, and the past few weeks of only catching wind of essential global news had been a relief for my mental health as well.
Yet the thought reminded me that I owed Manon an update. Once again. It was also the perfect opportunity to invite her over… and to draft a letter that included my resignation from the hospital.
Even if Gray kicked me out tomorrow, I would not return to my old life in Toronto. Not after he had slowly peeled back the layers of my persona to reveal the real Amelia.
I no longer needed grand, ambitious goals. It was enough for me if I could start the day peacefully, contribute to the bed-and-breakfast, and then have ample time for other things. For my books. Or cooking. For a nice, hot cup of tea, and also for all the letters I had not replied to for months because it was just too much to juggle a full-time job with all the other demands of life and still have enough energy to maintain pen friendships.
And because I was so caught up in my new life, it even took me a few seconds to remember where I had last seen my phone. It had been in the drawer of the bedside table in the bedroom. So I freed it, ignored the notifications about missed calls, and opened the chat with Manon, who had texted me last night to let me know that she—unlike me—had just had another lousy date.
How about coming to Wolf Creek for a few days? I miss you, I typed and sent the message before bringing up the call list.
I had assumed that Manon had tried to reach me. To tell me about her date, gossip a little, and grill me about Gray. Instead, there was: Unknown Number (139) .
A shiver raced down my spine. Not many people had my cell number, and no sane person would try that hard to reach someone repeatedly.
Suddenly, it felt like someone had clenched a fist around my guts. I had an overwhelming urge to speak with Gray.
I turned on my heel and rushed toward the front door. What had he said? That he needed to catch up on what had happened since yesterday. So he was probably in the assembly house, getting briefed by his employees.
Just as I placed my hand on the doorknob of the front door, I heard footsteps outside on the steps. Relief flooded through me. Gray was here, so I didn't have to search the whole property to tell him he might as well throw my phone into the next campfire.
139 missed calls.
Who, other than him , would find it necessary to call me that often? After I had blocked his actual contact info and disappeared without a trace from his life?
I flung the door open. "Gray, I need to…"
The words stuck in my throat because standing before me was not Gray. It was George.
I immediately took a step back, about to slam the door shut. I didn't want to see him. Hear him. Be near him.
And yet here he was.
How on earth had he found me?
"Amelia, wait. I need to talk to you. Please. It took a lot for me to find you here. You can't just…" He stopped when I slammed the door against his shoe that he had wedged in the door gap. "Stop that. Don't act like a child."
Another icy shudder ran down my spine, this time, not because of his sudden appearance but because of the behavior he was displaying.
"There's nothing to discuss," I replied, leaning heavily against the door. This was Gray's home. He had no business here. At the same time, I knew he wouldn't give up. He wouldn't leave until he got what he wanted. "How did you even find me?"
He snorted. "Easy. You forgot that our accounts are still linked, and I can easily track your location."
Damn.
"And then you took weeks to show up?"
"I had matters to attend to."
"You mean, you had to sleep with that woman until she dumped you because you're a lousy boyfriend and then you thought you'd try your luck with your ex again." I couldn't recall ever speaking to him this way before.
"It was a mistake, okay? I have no idea how you even found out, but it was a mistake."
"That I found out? Sure. Otherwise, you could have continued your double life." I shook my head.
What was happening right now was the conversation I never wanted to have. Because it didn't matter. It didn't matter what he had to say.
"Don't be like that. Everyone makes mistakes. Let me in, and we'll talk it over."
"But there's nothing to talk about. Don't you get it? I'm happy here. Without you. Free from you. Over the past months, I’d been fighting for a relationship that was long dead. You wouldn't have cheated on me otherwise. Just because things didn't work out with your new girl doesn't mean it's right to come back to me. I don't want you anymore."
"Who then?" Now he sounded upset. "Is it true what the policewoman said? That you're letting some old guy come on to you?"
"What happens in my life is none of your business." If I stood my ground and didn't let him get close to me…
"So, you're screwing a guy who could well be your father. Wow. And you left me for him."
His words hit me. Unexpectedly, and most of all, unprepared. He came here and had the audacity to criticize the way I was getting over his betrayal? How I had chosen to heal the wounds he inflicted?
Now it wasn't just a queasy feeling occupying my stomach but blazing anger. But it wasn't enough to explode in front of him. I took a deep breath. Then I flung open the door and confronted him.
"Get out. I never want to see you again." My words were not a suggestion for him but a damn command—one that he conspicuously ignored.
"Please, Amelia. I want you back. Tell me what to do. I'll do anything. Just give me the chance to show you that I mean it."
I shook my head. He was just like all the other men. Incapable of taking a hint. Too dense to think for himself. Unable to admit his own mistakes and figure out how to make amends on his own.
Not that there was any making amends in this situation.
His presence here was just what I needed to realize once again how drastically Gray stood out from the rest. What he meant to me and the role he played.
And as my gaze shifted over George's shoulder, I saw him at the end of the path that led up to the house. A wave of relief washed over me.
"What are you staring at now? God, it's always the same with you. Always lost in thought when I'm talking to you." Even as he spoke, he turned around and noticed Gray too. "Send him away. This is between you and me."
I slowly shook my head. "No. This was always between Gray and me from the start. I'm not leaving him. If anything, I'll…"
"You will tell him that this is a private conversation," he growled, suddenly grabbing my arm and pulling me backward.
I looked at him in shock. Since I'd known him, he had never once made a move to hurt me. To physically come too close, let alone raise his hand. Now, it suddenly seemed okay for him to handle me this way.
I yanked my arm away before he could do any real harm. "I think you're out of your mind!" I exclaimed, stepping further inside, away from him.
He pointed at himself. "I'm out of my mind? Me?!" Then he raised his hand and pointed in the direction from which Gray was hurrying. "You're essentially sleeping with your father figure, and you don’t think it’s wrong. You're throwing away your perfect future with me for a man who will probably be in a nursing home in two years."
Suddenly, tears welled up in my eyes because he had—unintentionally—struck a nerve. Perfect future. If only I could laugh.
By now, Gray was standing at the door, raising an eyebrow in question. A signal from me, and he would grab George and escort him outside. But not until I had explicitly permitted Gray to do so.
And still… I hadn't said everything yet after he had landed such a low blow with his last remark.
I swallowed slowly before looking George straight in the eye. I hated the quiver in my voice, and I hated even more that Gray had to witness this drama at all.
"Perfect future? I convinced myself of that for an eternity, yes. And the last half year, every evening, you were away longer—probably cheating on me. I thought: Hey, maybe it's just a phase. If I just put in enough work and believe in it, everything will get better, like it used to be."
Hope glimmered on his face, which only made him more despicable in my eyes because clearly, he didn't understand what was at stake. What I was telling him was just the motivation he needed to keep going.
"Let's give it another try, Amelia. I can change. You know I'll try if you just give me this one chance…"
Gray's snort gave me a small sense of relief, though not enough to get through this conversation unscathed. "You've had your chance over these last few years, George. There will be no more. You're returning to Toronto now."
In disbelief, he shook his head, taking a step toward me again. Gray's hand landed on his shoulder. He angrily shrugged it off.
"What does he offer you that makes you want to volunteer for senior service?"
I closed my eyes. All the stares, all the whispers, the condemnation by Sergeant Williams—none of it compared to the constant insults he had spouted in the last few minutes of our conversation. Before I spoke, I opened my eyes again.
"It's not what he gives me, but how I feel when we're together. This place has become my new home, and there's no way I'm giving up any of it to go back to Toronto with you." I felt tired. How often had I essentially repeated this statement now?
My words prompted Gray to start pulling George backward out the door. He gave him a push down the first stair. "You heard Amelia. If I see you on my property again, I'll hand you over to the police."
Gray slammed the door in his face and then faced me.
At that moment, I felt smaller than ever before by his side. He looked down at me with concern, his hands gripping my upper arms.
"Everything alright?" he asked. I nodded, ready to let myself fall against him and enjoy one of those hugs that made me forget everything else.
But Gray kept his distance.
I looked at him questioningly.
"Maybe it's time for you to go."
I let out an incredulous laugh. That was a bad joke, right?
"What?"
"Maybe it's—" he began again, but I interrupted him, raising my hand.
"I got that part. But why on earth are you sending me away now? Surely not because of all the things he said?"
He let me go, only to shove his hand to his neck. "Maybe he's right? Why should you even want to spend time with me?"
My lips parted, but no sound came out.
"In the end, it was just about you using me to heal your wounds. And from what I've just seen, the healing process is done."
"You think I was just using you?"
"Isn't that the case?" What was now reflected on Gray's face, I never wanted to see again.
"No!" I almost screamed at him. It felt like everything was slipping through my fingers. "Why did you even suggest it, huh? If you were just going to make it a problem now?"
He shook his head. "Because I wanted to see you happy, Amelia. Because from the very first second, I've had this foolish feeling inside me. Because… the first time I saw you smile, I knew that was what I wanted from the start. And more than anything, I wanted to be the reason for it."
Without changing my expression, I looked at him. "Do you realize that I was serious when I said I could fall in love with you?"
Shaking his head, he looked away. "That was just something said in the heat of the moment."
"Sure, Gray." I snorted. "Do you really want to kid yourself?"
"It's the truth, isn't it?"
Where was all this coming from? Because George had spat some words at my feet that sowed doubt? Or were these thoughts he had harbored for a while and hadn't expressed out of consideration for me?
I didn't even want to know. I just wanted him to stop. To stop claiming that we had an expiration date and it was today. To stop pushing me away when all I wanted was to run into his arms and feel the same warmth tonight after we had finally made it to bed.
Over and over again, I shook my head. I was at a loss for words. The arguments fell short when everything that came out of his mouth sounded so final.
"No. No, it's not, Gray. It's not the damn truth, and I can't believe you'd think it might be." I threw my arms in the air, trying to turn away and distance myself from him so I could clear my head before we continued this conversation.
But something told me it would be too late then. So I stayed and stared back at him.
"Do you realize how ridiculous I feel? I had no chance of resisting you. Suddenly, you were there, and all that mattered to me was you. I know it's just a silly feeling, but let me have the choice whether to embrace this feeling, to love you and to have you by my side for the rest of my life, or not. Because I'd rather do that than be pushed away by you because you believe you're unnecessary to me." He wasn't. He never would be.
How often had I realized that I was lost when it came to Gray? Or lay awake at night in his arms because it felt too good to be real? Wondering how I could possibly feel this way after such a short amount of time?
"You know… every single wall I built had a good reason behind it. And you just tore them down, making me feel vulnerable. But being vulnerable around you doesn't bother me, Gray. You never gave me a reason to doubt you or your ability to protect me from whatever threats may loom. But right now, I hate it because I feel so damn helpless."
This time, I raised my hand to point toward the door through which he had dragged George.
Gray looked at me, long and intently, his face still wearing the hurt expression from earlier—as if I had been the one to send myself away…
"You don't hate it," he finally said in a rough voice. "You're scared. And that's perfectly okay because I can relate to that."
I took a shaky breath. But it didn't feel like I was getting enough oxygen. What I was about to say felt like standing on the edge of the tallest building in Toronto without a harness, staring down into the abyss, hoping I wouldn't fall.
"I don't think I knew what love meant before I met you. You make me feel wanted. Appreciated. You give me everything I need and so much more. I cherish every second, even if it's just entertaining guests during a barbecue. I feel loved . And I love you—and it doesn't matter what anyone else says, Gray. I don't care because it's just about you and me. And that's all that matters. I'm ready to fight for us, even if it means going against everyone else’s expectations."
I didn't care that I was overwhelming him with words. That I was letting him see deeper than ever before. And if he still wanted to send me away, then I would leave with dignity. Leave him and not look back, even though I couldn't believe that everything had changed so drastically within minutes.
"Do you truly believe I'm worth giving up your entire life for?"
In my mind, I had already drafted the resignation. I looked at Gray incredulously. I knew his past concerning dating and women. But this…
Instinctively, I pressed my hand against his chest. "Of course you're worth it. In my eyes, you'll always be worth it. Do you think I would have followed a stranger into the wilderness and stayed if it weren't for that?"
"And yet I've pushed you away time and again, and… it didn't drive you away." Was he recalling all the times I had hinted at something that he either ignored or dismissed?
"Come on. It's not wrong that I, too, put in some effort. Even if it sometimes broke my heart… it's all worth it, right?" I made a sweeping gesture that encompassed not just him and me but everything. The past, the present, the future. Because if we had a future together, it surely wouldn't always be smooth sailing. "If you had just mentioned once what doubts you were wrestling with, I could have cleared them up much earlier. And now, please tell me that you still don't want to send me away."
All this time I had been speaking, studying how his expression changed, but now I fell silent, giving Gray the space he needed. Seconds stretched on, during which he said nothing.
"Look at us. You want me to leave. And yet I never wanted anyone more than I want you. To hell with what anyone else says! This isn't their relationship and certainly not their decision!" I continued to speak, even though I shouldn't have. It wasn't wise to press him further, but I couldn't stand the feeling that everything was slipping through my fingers.
Nervousness bubbled through my veins, leading me to bite my tongue. I couldn't just calmly wait for him to say something.
"If you need time… I'll wait."
"Yes…" His gaze drifted over my face, then over me. "Time," he murmured before he stepped back.
Honestly, I hadn't expected him to leave me standing there. Alone. Uncertain. But that's exactly what Gray did. He wrapped himself in silence, retreated, and disappeared through the door he had just entered from.
First, he had wanted to send me away, and now, he was the one leaving—without an explanation or any hint of whether he would come back later.
I took several steps back until I hit the wall. The impact knocked the breath out of me. At least I still felt something in my body as the sharp pain that shot through my spine reminded me.
I blinked several times, hoping that the last few minutes would turn out to be a figment of my vivid imagination. But they were not.
This had all really happened.
George had appeared and, with his words, had swiftly attacked and destroyed something that Gray and I had been working on for weeks.
Where I had believed that we had built our relationship on solid foundations, cracks had now appeared.
Everything in me wanted to believe that Gray would return, take me in his arms, and assure me that I should just forget about that afternoon.
But the door did not open again.
Not after a few minutes.
And not after several hours that I spent tensely on the couch. I wanted to have hope; I really did. But his behavior, the silence, and the way he had disappeared made me fear the worst.