9. City
Istared at the three dots on my screen longer than I wanted to. Then, when it disappeared and didn’t reappear again, I said fuck it and slipped my phone back into my pocket. Just as I was pushing up from the edge of the desk, Rayzor walked into the office.
“Yeah, they tight ship,” he said.
“Just how we like shit.” I nodded in approval.
“They know what’s up.”
I sat back in the seat.
“When you gon’ let this go, Court?”
“What you talkin’ about now, nigga?”
“This street shit.”
“Soon.” He paused. “I almost lost my wife and family behind this shit. I’m getting ready to leave it all to you.”
Seeing how Rayzor was willing to leave the game for love and not his career when I’ve been telling him to focus on that told me how much he loved E. I never doubted for a minute that he didn’t love her. You could see it when they first met.
“So, you really about to take that leap, ainna?”
“It’s been taking too long if you ask me.”
I chuckled. “You say if she’ll let you right now, y’all heading down to the courthouse, huh?”
He scratched his head. “Hell yeah.”
“That love shit looks good on you.”
“’ Preciate it.”
It got quiet for a minute. The only things you could hear was the sound of the forklift moving inside the warehouse and heavy steps along the floor downstairs.
Rayzor was inside his head, thinking about his future.
He wore a subtle smile. Me, I was thinking about how I needed a relationship first, and I wasn’t even close to some shit like that.
Ever since things was exposed between Suki and me, we been distant. I couldn’t tell if it was intentional or we were both busy, but neither of us has talked about it. I wasn’t the type of mothafucka to press shit like that.
But I’d be lying if I said I ain’t notice or miss the way she hums when she’s doing her hair. Or how she takes a shower in the darkness with loud-ass oldies. Or how she gets bite tax off my food after claiming she didn’t want none. All that shit gets on my nerves but in a good way.
But shit, we ain’t even together, so why does the bit of distance calls for missing?
“Hell you lookin’ at?” I asked Rayzor when I spotted him watching me.
“Nigga, you were just looking at me.”
He shook his head. “When you gon’ stop playing?”
“About what?”
“You and Suki.”
I gripped the back of my neck. “Ain’t shit to play about.”
“Nah, it’s something, nigga. You been back and forth like Aaliyah with her ass for a minute.”
“How you know how long it’s been?”
“Because I spotted her at your spot months ago.”
I chuckled. “Fuck outta here?”
“Nigga, it’s me.”
“Yeah, you right.” I laughed. “But nah. We just be on some kicking it shit, that’s it.”
“It’s something wrong with both of y’all. Why the fuck it’s so hard for two grown ass mothafuckas to say how they feel about one another without all this lil’ kid ass shit?”
“Don’t worry about us. We’re straight.”
After the warehouse, we headed to my mama’s. She put some food on the stove and both our asses were hungry. And since E was with Suki and Rhea’s lame ass, we decided to drop by.
“’Bout time I’ve seen your damn face, Courtland. Come ‘ere, boy.” She pulled him and they shared that motherly-son hug.
“You know I can’t forget about you, Mama Janice. You was there when a nigga needed paternal guidance.” He pulled away. “You got that, though?”
“You know I did. Between you and Devin, I’m so spoiled.” She giggled.
Rayzor took care of my mama the same way I did.
At first, I had an issue with it, but that shits been so many years gone that it doesn’t even bother me.
I had to look at it as a blessing because my mama had a lot of mouths to feed, so wherever she could get the help, it’s cool with me, although her ass didn’t need it.
I grabbed a chicken leg off the stove and bit into.
SMACK
She popped my back.
“Now I know we don’t have too much home training but yo’ ass bet not stick them nasty ass hands in my food like that no more. Ain’t no telling what you done touched today.”
“Nothing but dope and money, Ma. You know what it is.”
Rayzor chuckled, shaking his head.
It was no secret what I did, and Mama knew it.
Shit, everybody knew, but I never brought it around the house.
Out of sight, out of mind, but Ma was my go-to.
She’s been that way since I sold my first sack.
She even gave me advice on how to make the shit a kingdom. That’s why we chop it up the way we do.
I washed my hands, and Rayzor was already at the table because his ass was greedy.
Ma poured me some Kool-Aid just like I liked and gave Rayzor a Powerade because that’s his choice. She kept something for everybody at the house in case we came over. That’s one of the reasons why my siblings had to get cavities filled too because a lot of her shit was unhealthy too.
She sat down with a shot glass.
“Why I gotta see on the internet that you’re engaged, Court?” she asked.
“Where?” he asked, putting his fork down.
“It’s everywhere. It’s your Eris. That’s her name, right? She’s out with some friends and stuff wearing this big ass ring,” she explained, scrolling through her phone and sliding it across the table at him.
He looked down at it and shook his head.
“This unofficial.”
“So, you ain’t engaged?”
“I mean, yeah. I just asked her recently. A blogger must’ve snapped it today because she’s out in that outfit right now with her girls.”
“Is this the exclusive scoop for me then?” she asked.
“You know it is.”
“See, Devin, look at Court. Settled down with a chocolate pretty thing and put a ring on it. You’re still around here chasing these Instagram bitches.
You did so good raising your sisters and brothers.
You’ll be a great husband and father. I know you might not like marriage, but shit, you’re my oldest. Although this house can’t stand for another baby to be running through here, I wouldn’t mind having a lil’ grandbaby. Just don’t make me a grandma young.”
“Young?” I reacted.
She threw up a bird. “Yes, young. Now what?”
I laughed, looking at Rayzor, but his ass wasn’t touching that joke.
“I mean, I got you on the grandma shit too, Janice,” Rayzor told her.
“You do?!” she asked, excited.
“Yep. E’s pregnant.” He pulled out his phone, sliding it over to her. I spotted the ultrasound on it.
“Goddamn, Courtland, you must really love her? That’s a two-for-two. Congratulations.” She clapped.
“I love her with everything I got, Janice.”
She sat in awe like this nigga was reading spoken word.
My mama wasn’t even a lover girl so to see her fawning over his words had me confused.
She always told me to keep these hoes at arm’s length.
Now Court came in all in love and with a baby on the way and she act like it’s the best thing since white bread.
“Damn. When it’s me, it’s fuck these hoes, but you acting like his ass is prince charming.”
“No. I react how you want me to. You say you don’t want love, but in the same breath you come asking me questions and throwing situations at me about you and the girl with no name.”
“Asking questions like what?” Rayzor instigated.
I slipped down in the chair. “Man, we ain’t come here for all that shit.”
“I want you to be in love, have kids too, Devin, but you like to fuck them and leave. You treat women as disposable. Always have,” she continued.
She read my past like I was a villain. That shit made it seem worse than what it was. I treated these hoes how they treated me. They see bags, and I see pussy so it’s exchangeable. I never thought my mama never saw me as capable of love.
“I think somebody got them claws in him. Who is it, Court? I know you know.”
He chuckled then dropped his head back to his plate.
“You know how his ass is,” he replied, keeping that shit between us. That’s why he was my boy, always knew how to hold it down. It wasn’t that I was keeping it a secret; I just didn’t wanna be out here looking stupid as hell behind Suki’s ass when we hadn’t even put a title on shit.
“Y’all can play mice if you wanna, but I know my son and he ain’t around here asking me questions about women for nothing.”
“Damn. I can’t just ask questions?”
“You can ask all the questions you want, Devin, but don’t ask too many questions that you’re not putting in the work to get the answers.
I know this love thing can be hard. Your mama can get a man but can’t keep one.
Sometimes it was me, sometimes it was their asses, but look at me.
Nine kids, three engagements, no marriages and the highlight of my life is my kids.
If you’re asking, go after the question.
Don’t make another woman miss out on the good man you can be because you’re afraid of getting it together. ”
While Rayzor and Mama talked, I thought about how Suki would get along with her.
She was blunt, keep that shit g like we did, and it wasn’t any pressure to be somebody she wasn’t.
I could see the two of them laughing together, sharing wild ass stories, and kicking it even when I wasn’t around.
But I wasn’t sure if that’s where we were with what we got.
It was easy with Suki. Always have been, but that’s where the slope got slippery because it could feel right, then shit go left.
We always end up arguing then we’re right back fucking.
But it’s always slippery. I don’t wanna confuse shit for what it’s not.
I didn’t want us to change what we have to try to fit something that we might never be.
* * *
Suki was at my crib, had a movie going, smoking and throwing back shots. Nothing too serious. Just getting back on track after our spot was blown up.
“After this soft-ass movie, we gotta watch something gangsta so I can dust these butterflies and glitter shit off me,” I said as she cozied under my arm.
Her bonnet smelled like a mixture of spritz and other hair products. Her hair was freshly done as usual. I’ve never seen her without it. The vibe was chill, just like it should’ve been. It’s crazy that a comment almost fucked up what we had going on.