Chapter 6 Rayzor #2
I always felt crazy as fuck talking to him.
When he first passed, I used to talk to him often.
Hell, before he was buried, I begged my mama to let me go to the funeral home every day.
She thought it was unhealthy, but I’d stay there until they told us to leave.
I was battling wounds from the fight and on bedrest, but I couldn’t stay away from Pa.
I felt it was my fault that he was even in the ground.
If he hadn’t tried to save me, that last wound wouldn’t have happened, and he’d still be here.
“I love you, Pop.”
I sat to make peace with it.
Fresh flowers sat at the plot. It’s good knowing people still fucked with him after all these years. Usually, after the casket drops, they forget about you. Every chance I get, I come to sit with him. Most times I don’t talk, just chill.
Heading back to the Tahoe, I spotted a car across the road, watching. Windows dark, but it was running with the headlights on. Glancing around trying to see if anybody else was here, it was only me and the groundskeeper.
The sun hit the windshield enough for me to see someone behind the tint. I squinted, trying to see through. Hand on my Glock, I was ready to put a nigga in his rightful place since we’re here. I didn’t want smoke but always had fire.
I took a step closer. I was about to pull it from my side, but the car slowly crept by before speeding down the small road. Remembering the model and drive out tag, it looked like the one that followed me to Eris’ job and the movies.
Maybe I was tripping.
Hopping inside my truck, I glanced back up the hill at Pop’s grave, exhaling before throwing the truck in gear and slowly rolling away from it until it was in the distance.
Every time I left, it felt like I was leaving him behind.
He’d never do that shit to me, that’s why I make sure to show up for him.
The car was out of sight when I hit the main road and the chills on the back of my neck disappeared.
After visiting Pop, I handled some business then headed to Maleek.
“Sup, man.” I ruffled his hair.
He smiled.
“Nothing. We got Betsy today?” he said coolly.
“Yeah. You know with it being Pop’s birthday, I figured it’s a good time to bring her out. You ain’t ashamed, are you?”
He shook his head.
“Nope.” He touched the dash. “Where we going?”
“Wherever you wanna go.”
“Ma’s working late tonight, so can we go to your house? It’s been a little minute since I’ve been there.”
“I’ll grab us something to eat along the way.”
I let him find his station, and he started rapping the lyrics. He tried to be the coolest lil’ nigga around me, but I knew he was happy. That’s Leek’s persona since birth. He couldn’t hide it.
“I miss him even though I don’t know him.”
His words hit me in the chest.
“You would’ve loved ‘em, man.”
“I know I would.”
Maleek missed out on a great man, but I try to keep his memory alive so neither of us forget. Pops wasn’t rich with bread, but he was rich with dreams and love. Everyone loved and respected him. I wanted to be like him when I grew up. Took my own path just to follow the dream I buried.
I stopped and grabbed us something to eat before heading to the crib.
As soon as Maleek stepped in the door, he kicked everything off and ran to the living room, turning on the game.
I wasn’t a gamer like I used to be but kept it around for him.
It doesn’t matter how often we see each other, he’ll always have a spot with me.
He got his own room. Hopefully, one day it’ll be a permanent situation to him always coming over, but for now, we’ll keep doing this hide-and-seek shit because of Ma.
After making our plates, I joined him on the couch, and he tossed me a controller.
I set the plates down and got on.
We started off in silence. He was hyped to be playing online with friends and could pop his shit without getting fussed at.
I always wanted him to feel like he could be himself.
It’s pressure for him at the crib with Ma because she wanted him to be nothing like me and Pops, so she stripped him of anything that resembles it.
“Do you wish you were at home with me and mama?” he pressed, pressing buttons on the controller, leaning over left to right, concentrating on the game.
“Not home, but wish shit was different.”
“She misses you but don’t know how to tell you.”
I did a double take not knowing how to respond because that shit could open a can of worms. I didn’t want him thinking that shit would go back to normal because this was as normal as it’ll get.
“Nah.”
“She does. I hear her praying for you all the time when she thinks I’m asleep,” he said, clueless that I was now looking at him. “And she got a picture of you inside her bible that she keeps in the nightstand. One of you and dad.”
That hit heavy in the chest but what could I do with that? It doesn’t change shit because she won’t allow shit to change. I still love him but I know the love she has for me isn’t how a mother’s love is supposed to go.
“Stop snooping in folks’ shit, Leek. I don’t want you getting in trouble.”
“I’m not.”
“Everything good with you though? What them grades looking like?”
“Yeah, everything’s good. I think I got another girlfriend.”
I chuckled. “Another?”
“Yeah. I can’t tell yet. But this girl, she be buying me snacks and shi…” he corrected himself. “Stuff from the snack man and telling people we’re together. She’s cute, but I got to keep my options open.”
“You’re too young for a girl, but if you got one, keep one. Not multiple. That’s how you get caught up.”
“You ever got caught up?”
“Too playa for that.”
“Are you and Ms. Richardson getting together?”
“How you know about that?” I smirked.
“I got Erin’s number. She told me.”
“How the hell you get her number?” I chuckled.
“Don’t worry about that, big bro. I got her number and we talked.”
“Talking about what?”
“Nothing really. Just school and your fights.”
“Don’t use up y’all time talking about me.”
“We can’t help it. Everybody loves you. I even got teachers wanting to meet you and stuff. You should because maybe they’ll pass me without me doing work.”
I pushed him upside the head.
“Nah, you gon’ do the work.”
He sucked his teeth. “That’s what Erin said too.”
“She’s right. You need to listen to her.”
“Do you like Ms. Eris?”
“I do. Why?”
“Because she’s pretty and nice. Besides, you need a girlfriend, bro.”
“How you know what I need?” I smirked.
“I don’t, but I know you’re always gone on the road and probably lonely. You have this big house, and I don’t see no woman’s stuff so you’re alone.”
He wasn’t wrong, but I wasn’t lonely. Far from that shit, but I appreciated with how lil’ bro was taking an interest in my happiness. I never thought he saw me like that because we spend time apart.
“Damn, it’s like that?”
“Yeah.”
I chuckled but my mind went to Eris and how I liked being around her. It’s been a minute since I was about a woman like I was with her. The shit made me feel lame sometimes, but it’s cool because she matched my energy although she fought with it.
“Aiight, good looking out.”
“It’s the least I can do.” The lil’ nigga winked like he laid down law. I chuckled and ruffled his head before putting him in a headlock. This was the kind of shit I missed. It’s fucked up that I can’t live normally with my people, but that’s life.
Maleek and I both fell asleep, and I had to rush him back to the crib with enough time before Ma got off.
When I pulled up, she was coming out the house.
“Damn,” Maleek cursed. I didn’t have time to check his ass because she was coming to the door, snatching him out the truck.
“Get your ass out this car. What the hell have I told you about being around him?” she lectured, popping him upside the head.
I got out, rushing around to the other side.
“Aye, fuck you doin’?” I pulled Maleek back.
“This is my goddamn child and if I wanna put my hands on him, I will. Just like I’ll do you.”
SMACK!
The love Ma once had for me couldn’t be read. She looked at me like the enemy. Always have since choosing the streets and ring. I tried making her understand my position, but she switched up on me and hadn’t turned back since.
“Now I told you to stay away from him. You keep on pushing it.”
“Ma, he picked–”
Her arms shot up. “I don’t give a damn what he did.”
“It’s Pop’s birthday, Ma. Court wanted to spend time together,” Maleek explained. And it was as if it the words took her by surprise because the lump she swallowed in her throat caused tears, or maybe it’s what the day meant.
I wonder how often she cried for me.
“Maleek, go in the house.”
Maleek dropped his head, bookbag dangling by his leg, shoulders slump.
“See you later, Court.”
It fucked me up seeing him like that. It always did. That’s why I made it a mission to keep it light and stay out the mix with Ma. I couldn’t keep putting him through this shit.
“Aye, pick yo’ head up. We gon’ be aiight, hear me?”
He slowly turned his head.
“Aye!” I called out.
“I hear you. Love you, Court.”
“I love you too. Gon’ inside.”
“You’re so fucking selfish.” She pointed to the door. “You don’t know the pain you cause that boy every time you defy me.”
“Defy you? I’m a grown ass man, Ma.”
“That’s my son. Now, you can do whatever you want with your life, but don’t you dare keep coming around here taking my child.”
“I…”
“You think I don’t know about all the times you’ve been sneaking by here and taking him away? I know every thing.”
“Since you know shit then, did you even fuckin’ remember it’s Pop’s birthday?”
SMACK!
Her hand left my cheek before I realized what was happening. I tucked my lips in with my fists balled because it took everything in me not to knock her ass out.
“You think I don’t remember the man I gave decades to? Huh? I know what the hell today is.” She paused. “You think because you drive his truck and followed in his footsteps that you’re him? You can’t raise my son.”
“I’m trying to be there for my bro. That’s it.”
“I came home to grieve in peace and there you go disturbing it again. Stay away from my boy, Courtland. This isn’t the ring or the streets. I meant what I said. Final warning,” she argued and walked away.
I’ve hurt mothafuckas for less. My mama’s done shit to me that made niggas in the streets push daisies. I already lost Pops, her, but I didn’t want to lose Maleek so I had to keep taking this shit on the chin. That hurt should’ve been numb, but it wasn’t.