Chapter 17
17
‘Watch out. Incoming,’ Jesse said with a grin as we took our seats at a table in Jules’ café. It was the first time since that initial incredible night that we’d been into the café together.
‘What?’
‘Oh my God!’ Jules plonked herself down at one of the spare seats and stared first at me, then at her brother, before her face broke into a huge beaming smile. ‘I knew it! I knew it the moment I first saw you together.’
‘Jules.’ Jesse’s one-word warning was enough.
‘Sorry. Of course. You know people will find out soon enough though, right?’
‘Find out what?’ I asked.
Julie gave me a head tilt.
‘I meant what is it they will conclude?’
‘That you’re together. I mean, you are together, aren’t you? The look on both your faces says you are.’
‘I… we…’ I looked across at Jesse. The truth was, after that first night, we hadn’t actually got as far as what it was. Apart from mind-blowing and the best ever. Well, for me at least, but I was pretty sure Jesse had had a good time too. At least twice. Life with him had slotted into place in a far more natural way than I’d ever experienced. I no longer slept in the guest bedroom. The night after that first one, I’d not wanted to presume but as we’d headed upstairs and I’d taken a step towards the other room, Jesse had caught my hand. He hadn’t spoken. He didn’t need to. Everything was there for me to read in his eyes. Further than that, we hadn’t discussed. I knew it was complicated – at least on his side. If I was honest, maybe part of me didn’t want to know what he called it in case it wasn’t the same as me. For once in my life, I was enjoying the moment rather than plotting out a five, ten or fifteen year plan.
‘We are,’ Jesse replied, unflustered. ‘But,’ he added.
‘But what?’ Julie asked.
‘But I don’t want our love life being the talk of the village.’
‘Would I?’ A hand went to her hip.
‘No. I’m just saying.’
‘Well, you don’t need to just say. And when you’ve stopped being a grouch about it all, am I allowed to say I’m so happy – for you both?’
‘Slow down there, sis,’ Jesse said, laughing, which saved me from having to say anything. He rolled his eyes as he looked back at me. ‘I even look at a girl and she’s picking out hats.’
Jules stood and clipped the back of his head with her hand. ‘I am not. And excuse me for wanting you to be happy,’ she added, her voice almost a whisper.
‘I know. Thanks. Jules?’
‘Yes.’
‘Can we order now?’
* * *
Following lunch at the café again a few days later, I hoisted myself back up into the pick-up before Jesse could get to the door and slid down in the seat. I’d test-driven a four-wheel-drive Mini last week and put down a deposit. By the end of tomorrow, I would finally have my own transportation again. Jesse had already said I could borrow his car but, as kind as that offer was, it wasn’t the same. My car was my independence. Plus I didn’t fancy pranging his shiny sports car, which, bearing in mind the state of some of the back roads around here, was a distinct possibility. Earlier, we’d just managed to avoid one pothole so deep, I was pretty sure if you looked hard enough, you could see the Earth’s core bubbling nicely away.
‘You look like you’re hiding.’
‘I am.’
‘Oh. Any particular reason?’ Jesse asked, turning over the engine and checking over his shoulder before he pulled out of the space and onto the main road.
‘Because I need to get home and take this sign off my back.’
He briefly squinted over at me. ‘What sign?’
‘The one that, judging by the looks and whispers I’ve seen today, clearly says I’m shagging Jesse Woods.’
‘Ohhh, that one.’
‘Is it always like this?’
He threw me a glance that was less amused than the first.
‘I don’t make a habit of sleeping with every woman that comes into the village so I can’t answer that.’
‘That’s not what I meant.’ I heaved out a sigh. ‘I don’t even know what I meant. Sorry. I’m just not used to this. I could walk through London stark naked and hardly anyone would bat an eyelid.’
His eyes stayed on the road but I could see the grin. ‘I’d definitely bat one.’
‘You know what I mean. Nobody cares what anyone does so long as it doesn’t affect them. Here everyone knows everyone else and all their business. It’s just a bit… unsettling.’
‘I know.’ He put the handbrake on as we waited at a red light and then reached over for my hand. ‘They’ll get bored soon and talk about something else. You’re still relatively new to the place. Fresh meat.’
‘And you haven’t dated anyone in five years.’
He let go of my hand as the lights began to change.
‘Who told you that?’
‘A lady two behind me at the chemist. She also told me how pleased she was but that she’d never thought you’d be happy with a city girl, added in “no offence” there, and that perhaps it’s for the best as that way you wouldn’t be comparing me to your wife as much.’
Jesse dragged a hand down his face. ‘Jesus. Sorry, Fliss. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all.’ He looked across. ‘I have to admit it wasn’t my brain doing a lot of the thinking that first night.’
‘I know. And no, maybe it’s not the best idea, like you say. You’ve had enough gossip to last a lifetime, even if it was well-meaning back then.’
Suddenly, he pulled the truck over, flicked the hazards on and turned in his seat.
‘I don’t give a shit what people say about me, Fliss, whether they’re well-meaning or not. What I do care about is you. I’m happy with you and despite what you might have thought, frankly I’d wanted to kiss you since I first saw you flailing about in the mud in that ridiculous paper suit.’
‘Kinky,’ I replied, squishing the tears, kicking and screaming, back down the way they’d come. I’d never cried in front of people and I wasn’t about to do it in front of Jesse for a second time, even if we were seeing each other.
‘There’s other things higher up on that particular list, but we can certainly hold it in reserve for posterity.’ The sexy smile flashed briefly before his expression returned serious. ‘I care about you, Fliss. I know you’ve been through your own stuff.’
‘Losing my allowance hardly equates to losing a spouse, Jesse.’
‘It’s not a competition. And you didn’t just lose your allowance, did you? You lost your whole way of life and everything you’d known.’
‘And I made it all up again.’
He paused for a beat. ‘Did you though?’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘You made the money, sure. But you don’t have any contact with your family, do you?’
‘No, and I don’t want any. My father made his choice a long time ago.’
‘And what about friends?’
‘What about them?’
‘Where are they?’
I sat up straighter. ‘What do you mean?’
‘It’s just that I’ve never heard you refer to one friend, or have one person visit. You certainly didn’t seem keen to keep up contact with that Minty woman, although I can’t say I’m sorry about that, bearing in mind who she’s related to.’
‘She’s not a friend. Anyway, it’s not like there’s a luxurious country house for them to stay in, is it? And what has that got to do with anything anyway?’
‘You could have met up for the day somewhere though, couldn’t you? If they did come down and didn’t want to stay in the village, there’s bigger hotels not that far.’
‘What’s your point, Jesse?’ I was getting edgy now.
‘My point is that I think this is where you’re supposed to be, and I think you know that too otherwise you’d have already found a way to sell up and hotfoot it back to London. And I don’t want some busybody’s gossip spooking you.’
‘It takes a lot more than people’s words to spook this nag. Believe me, I’ve heard way worse.’
His hand cupped my face. ‘You are not a nag. And for the record, if I hear anyone referring to you even the slightest bit detrimentally, I will not be happy.’
‘Jesse Woods, are you going all alpha on me?’
His lips tilted up just a little. ‘And what if I am?’
‘Then…’ I leant over, my voice low ‘…I suggest you get this truck back on the road as soon as possible.’
Believe me, I was as amazed as anyone that I would find this a turn-on. I never relied on anyone but myself. Maybe I’d given off that vibe – or maybe I’d just not met the right men – but every time Jesse did something for me, whether that was opening a door or switching me to the inside of the pavement or – well, let’s just say sex with Jesse had been a revelation in more ways than one – I got a rush of warmth through me that wasn’t just attraction but something deeper, closer. With the smallest gesture, Jesse made me feel as if I was the most important person in the world and that was both a huge turn-on and scared the crap out of me at the same time.
He gave me a long look. ‘I’ve got a better idea.’ He pulled the truck back onto the road then took a left almost immediately down a heavily wooded lane.
* * *
The next few weeks passed in a blur of activity. The house was moving along and I was gaining more work, not only from Jesse’s properties, but quickly through word of mouth, and the fresh diary that Jesse had given me was rapidly filling. I was now staying at my house but that wasn’t to say there weren’t sleepovers at Jesse’s.
‘I need to go home and get changed. I hadn’t planned on staying last night.’ More than once, Jesse had suggested that I start keeping some clothes at his, but I was adamant about keeping my clothes in situ.
‘Why won’t you bring some over?’ he asked, looking ridiculously hot as he lounged in the bed on a rare lie-in Sunday morning.
‘I’m just happier with them where they are.’
‘Why?’
The truth sounded silly so I fobbed him off. Or at least I tried to. ‘It’s easier.’
‘Going back to your house to change your clothes, having had a shower here, is easier? Pull the other one, it’s got bells on.’
Laughter bubbled out of me. ‘I haven’t heard that phrase for ages. Nanny used to say it to me when I was trying to get away with something. It never did work.’ I smiled at the memory.
Jesse sat up a little, the pure white sheet contrasting against his skin and the line of dark hair that ran down his abdomen. I turned away to continue getting changed – otherwise things were going to take a lot longer and I had things to do today.
‘She’s the only person you ever speak about with any affection. Whom you ever speak about at all, really.’
I brushed my hair out and then tied it into a high ponytail. ‘Nanny?’
‘Yes.’
‘I suppose that’s because she’s the only one I’ve ever felt much affection for – or from.’ I bent to pick up a pot of moisturiser from my washbag on the bedside table and Jesse hooked his arm around my waist, pulling me onto the bed.
‘Jesse,’ I said, laughing. ‘I have things to do.’
‘I can think of some too,’ he replied, his darkening gaze latching onto mine.
I batted him off, still laughing. ‘I mean it.’
‘OK, OK. I’ll behave, I promise,’ he said, not letting go. ‘Just stay a little longer. Tell me about Nanny. She clearly meant a lot to you.’
I dropped my gaze to my bare hands. My jewellery, for the moment, was locked in Jesse’s safe. I had amassed some expensive items over the years and my house wasn’t exactly Fort Knox. But the most treasured possession in that small collection was the one piece that, monetarily, was worth the least. The ring that Nanny had given me.
‘I’m sure you don’t want to hear all this,’ I said, making to push away, but Jesse held me gently in place.
‘I’m sure I do. I want to know all about you, Fliss.’
‘A grown woman talking about her nanny?’ I pulled a face of disbelief.
‘No. A woman I care about very much talking about someone who meant such a lot to her.’
I looked up and met his eyes. ‘Tell me,’ he said, softly.
‘What do you want to know?’
He pulled me closer and placed a kiss on my forehead. ‘All of it.’
Jesse leant back against the pile of pillows and I let myself follow, leaning against his solid chest as he gently pulled out the ponytail and let my hair drape back over my shoulders.
‘I don’t know where to start.’
‘Was she there when you came back from school that day?’
‘She was. Once my father tore himself away from trying to placate Estelle for five minutes, he dismissed Nanny. She’d been with our family since I was born and he just let her go like that,’ I snapped my fingers, ‘without a backward glance.’ Tension returned to my body at the remembered moment, the shock and pain of having to say goodbye to the one person I knew loved me, and whom I loved just as fiercely.
Jesse’s arms tightened momentarily around me, his thumb rubbing gently to and fro on my forearm, bringing me back.
‘We vowed to keep in touch and we did. I couldn’t imagine a future without that contact. If she hadn’t wanted to, if she’d wanted to cut ties after such treatment, which I wouldn’t have blamed her for, I honestly don’t know what I’d have done. Of course, she’d long since stopped being my nanny at that point, but I’d never called her anything else and every weekend, I would take the train and then the bus out to the little flat she’d retired to.’ I closed my eyes. ‘I lived for those days and I’d cry every time I had to leave.’
Jesse’s embrace tightened just that little bit more.
‘But she’d wipe my eyes like she’d done when I was little and told me to dry those tears and that she’d see me again soon.’
‘She sounds like a very special lady.’
‘She was,’ I said, my throat constricting as I replied, causing the last word to crack. I dropped my gaze to Jesse’s arms and drew a finger back and forth on one as I talked. ‘Mother was very loving, from what Nanny told me, but I don’t remember her at all. I wish I did, but then at other times I wonder if it’s best that I don’t so that it doesn’t hurt as much. I don’t know if that makes sense.’
‘I know what you mean. The “is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all” question.’
‘Yes.’
‘There are arguments for either side as you say. So you carried on seeing Nanny?’
‘Yes. Until the day she died. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone as I did the day she passed. She knew she was going and asked me to come over. I almost didn’t go. After all she had done for me, I thought about refusing to go. Isn’t that awful?’ I still felt shame from those moments of doubt.
‘Why didn’t you want to go?’
‘Because I didn’t want to face the fact she was… leaving. And in my twisted psyche, for a few moments I thought if I didn’t go, I could delay the inevitable.’
‘But you went.’ It wasn’t a question.
‘Yes. She had lots of friends she’d made moving out there. That made me happy. That she’d had more of a life than she’d had living with us. In truth, she could have left a long time before my father’s bankruptcy. I was long past needing a nanny but she stayed anyway. I’ll never be able to thank her enough for that.’
‘It sounds like you were incredibly special to her. She could have left and she didn’t.’
‘Probably because I begged her not to. Selfish, now when I think of it.’
‘No, I don’t think so. From the sounds of it you were a little girl without a mother and she was next best thing. It might have been different if your father had acted better but there’s nothing to be ashamed of in wanting to be loved by someone, Fliss. And when it came to it, she wanted you there, at the end. That says just how much you meant to her.’
I nodded against him. ‘There’s a ring in your safe. A thin gold band with an amber setting. It’s not worth anything much but to me it means everything. If anyone robbed the rest, I wouldn’t care so long as they left that. I usually wear it all the time but at the moment, trying to get stuck into things on the house, I’m afraid I’ll break or lose it.’
‘She gave it to you?’
‘Yes. She always wore it. Her mother had given it to her on her twenty-first birthday and she’d worn it ever since. She wanted me to have it. She held my hand, slipped it onto my finger and held on for a few more moments. Then she patted my hand, closed her eyes and…’ The tears were flowing now as I relived that heart-wrenching day. The day my heart had truly broken. If I was honest, it had never quite fitted back together the same since then.
Jesse didn’t speak, just held me close and kissed my hair until I was done. After a while, he shifted position and sat us both up, turning to kiss me on the lips this time.
‘Thank you.’
I wiped my fingers under my eyes. ‘I probably look a complete fright now.’
But he shook his head. ‘As beautiful as ever. In fact, even more so.’
I smiled back. ‘I’ve never told anyone about Nanny.’
‘Your ex-fiancé must have known about someone that important to you, surely.’
I dropped my gaze. ‘No. He didn’t. No one did.’
Jesse’s finger caught under my chin, lifting it enough for me to meet his eyes. ‘Then thank you for trusting me enough.’
Trust. That most elusive of feelings. I’d only ever trusted one person in my life, and now I’d trusted someone else enough to tell them about her.
We sat together, not speaking, for a while longer. The truth was I didn’t really want to move but I had things to do and so, reluctantly, I eventually pushed away to finish getting ready.
‘So, getting back to why you don’t leave clothes here…’
I looked back at him as I redid my ponytail. ‘It’s a good job you’re handsome, because you can be terribly annoying at times – you do know that, don’t you?’
‘Noted. And thank you. But now the reason.’
‘Ugh! Jesse!’ I said, sitting heavily on the bed to pull on my jeans.
Two strong arms hooked themselves around my waist and lifted me back up the bed so that I landed across Jesse’s lap.
‘Are you moaning?’
I stayed silent and he read my eyes.
‘I didn’t mean that kind but…’ His eyes flashed with mischief and one hand slid under my top.
‘No-o-o-o! Come on,’ I said. ‘We’ve got lunch with your sister in an hour, you’ve got to give Ned a run and I’ve got some notes to make on that new project before that.’
‘You’re not working today.’
‘I’ll work when I bloody well like, thank you.’
‘Fliss, you were up until 1a.m. working.’
‘I’m enjoying it.’
‘I know, but it’s not healthy. You need rest.’
‘You can talk!’
‘Fine. Yes, I know.’ He shot me a look that perfectly illustrated another reason I was short of sleep. ‘But come on, tell me why you won’t move your clothes.’
‘Because…’
‘That’s it? Because?’
‘Fine. I don’t want to jinx it. There. Happy now?’ I made to wriggle off his lap but his arms tightened.
‘Jinx what?’
‘This. Whatever this is. You. Me. Here.’
‘You won’t jinx it.’ He lifted one hand and hooked his finger beside my chin, turning my head gently towards him. ‘I promise.’
‘I’d just rather not take the chance.’
He studied me for a moment more. ‘OK.’
‘Thank you. Now get your arse out of that bed and get ready or you can explain to your sister why we’re late.’
‘I am never discussing my sex life with my sister.’
‘Then I suggest you get moving.’