Chapter 23 JR #2
My eyes wandered over to my neighbor’s property. I hadn’t seen her in days, and that was probably for the best. After what happened the last time I saw her, I needed the space.
Not because I had a thing for her.
She was a complication I didn’t need right now. Alyssa had to come first. Not that I would actually consider anything happening with Josie anyway. She was too sweet for someone like me. Too naive. Too full of life.
I would only bring her down.
That bright smile flashed in my mind, but she was no longer happy. She had a nasty bruise on her face, and instead of Alyssa crying against my chest, it was Josie. A sharp pain forced in the center of my chest and anger rose in me at the idea of anyone hurting Josie.
She wasn’t like Alyssa or me. She didn’t grow up the way we had, with all the uncertainty and danger that constantly put us in a position to run.
And if my world ever crossed with hers, I’d lose her before I even had her.
I shook my head, about to walk away, as my insane thoughts of kissing or even waking up with Josie beside me burned in my skull. But then she walked out of her house, earlier than usual today.
Her eyes wandered over to my house and she stood there, waiting like she was hoping she would see me. Something inside me stirred, urging me to go out there and say good morning—to live a normal life where I talked to people or even attempted to spend more than a night with one woman.
Backing away, I knew I couldn’t do that. Not until this mess with Alyssa was sorted out. And even then, I knew deep down I wasn’t good enough for her. I wasn’t the good man she deserved.
Not in that way.
“Who is she?” Alyssa asked from behind me.
My body stilled for only a moment as I realized I’d been caught ogling Josie. And by Alyssa.
“The neighbor,” I said stiffly, walking away from the window to the kitchen. “Breakfast?”
“Why were you watching her?” she pressed.
“I wasn’t.”
Busying myself at the counter, I hadn’t even looked at Alyssa yet.
I couldn’t. I didn’t want to see the curiosity in her eyes and deal with the inevitable questions that would follow.
Where Alyssa had spent years desperately seeking a man to make her life whole, I had avoided relationships at all costs.
She was a romantic at heart, believing that after all the shit we’d been through, there was still a man out there who would love her and cherish her the way she deserved.
And I really hoped there was. I just knew that no woman would ever want me the way I was. Damaged, unable to love anyone the way they deserved.
“You were staring at her.”
“I was checking the neighborhood.”
“JR.”
I pulled out a pan for eggs, one of the few foods I actually kept in the house.
“JR, look at me.”
Sighing, I finally turned to her. The sight of her face made me flinch, but not because she was ugly.
Because I wasn’t there to protect her.
I had failed her. Again.
“This isn’t your fault.”
I stared at her, wishing I could believe that, but I had been her protector since we were very young, and yet, she always came running back to me with various bruises or broken bones.
“How are the ribs this morning?”
Pursing her lips, she carefully pulled out a chair and lowered herself into it. “They hurt. You should have let me keep those drugs. I hardly felt a thing.”
“And risk getting you hooked on whatever they were laced with? Not a chance. I’ll find something for you today.”
She nodded, but her eyes never left mine. “She’s not just the neighbor.”
“Is there a reason we’re talking about this?” I asked, turning back to the stove.
“You know why.”
“No, what I know is that you think I’m missing something in my life.”
“You are! You were staring at that woman!”
“I was watching,” I corrected. “Just keeping an eye on the neighborhood in case this ex of yours decided to make an appearance.”
She scoffed at me, shaking her head. “Keep telling yourself that.”
“What do you want from me, Alyssa?” I snapped, losing my cool. “Do you want me to run out and find a woman who will treat me like shit the way every single man in your life has?”
To Alyssa’s credit, she didn’t even flinch at my words. “I make some horrible decisions,” she admitted. “But at least I put myself out there. At least I try.”
“That’s fine. Keep trying. Keep getting beaten and raped. How many times is this now?”
No matter how many terrible things I said, Alyssa just stared at me with those accepting eyes. She knew me too well to ever believe I meant a word of what I said. It was the worst of me, and she was the best of what I could be.
Slowly, she stood and walked over to me, her arms slipping around my waist as she rested her head against my chest. For the first time in a long time, she wasn’t hugging me out of desperation. She didn’t cling to me because someone had just used her as a punching bag.
This was a real hug. The kind she used to give me when we were kids, when both of us needed something to cling to.
My hand slipped around her waist, and I pulled her tighter, closing my eyes and remembering for the first time in years what it was like to have someone truly care about me and want what was best for me.
“I’m sorry,” I sighed, pressing a kiss to her hairline. “I shouldn’t have said those things.”
“It’s okay. It’s not like it wasn’t true.”
“Still…”
“Do me a favor?”
I looked into her eyes, willing to give her anything right now. “Yeah?”
“Try not to think about the past, and only what could happen if you let it.”
That was a big ask, but with her beaten and broken in front of me, still hopeful as ever, I found I couldn’t say no to her.
“I’ll try.”