Chapter 15
DAMIEN
I swirled the amber liquid around, watching the way it hit the sides of the glass with mindless curiosity.
It made me think of the ocean, the way the waves crested on the rocks.
Not that I’d seen the ocean in a while. It was rare for people who needed transportation to pass at the beach.
No, my pickups tended to happen in hospitals, and back alleys like the one I’d stood in at the bar all those years ago.
I remembered it, though. The sound of the water crashing up the beach.
The pink sunset reflecting across the water.
I took a sip, allowing myself to crack for just a moment. To feel all the emotions that had stuck with me since that night, the first night I allowed myself to get close to Stella.
That was the night I felt everything change.
I lost some of my hope, the senseless, idiotic desire that maybe one day, I could have Stella the way I wanted.
When I followed her at a distance, I could keep that dream alive.
But up close, I could see how ridiculous such a thought really was.
It had been worth it to lose that dream though, no matter how much it hurt, because Stella was safe, and even with me taking away the memories of that night, she somehow remembered what I’d told her.
She stopped going out drinking, trying to lose herself at the bottom of a bottle. She smiled again, little by little.
What I didn’t anticipate was Grace getting sick.
And while I’d protected Stella from one fate, I couldn’t save her from another.
I’d kept an eye on her the best I could, but when Grace got her terminal diagnosis, I knew exactly how it would play out.
All too well, I could see the years as they would come: Stella alone, lost, looking for faith in the in all the wrong places. And I couldn’t let that happen.
But now Stella was here. Just across the house.
Sitting across the table from me. Sharing my food, sharing my fucking air like she wasn’t robbing me of my oxygen at every turn.
She had no idea how much of a temptation she was, how intoxicating I found her smile.
She was safe here, but for how long? How long would it really take for Clarissa to show up, or for me to snap?
According to her, we were friends, now. Friends.
I scoffed, downing the rest of my glass.
I didn’t want to be friends. I wanted to make her scream.
Sighing, I leaned back in my chair. I’d wasted enough time in here, feeling sorry for myself.
But the pity party was over. The real world was knocking, and that included a ticking clock, demanding I come up with a solution to save Stella’s soul from the likes of Clarissa.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
How. Much. Longer. Do. You. Have. To. Save. Her.
It was always saving her from one doom only for another to take its place. I’d save her from as many as I could, as long as I could stop thinking about her lips long enough to come up with a plan.
The alcohol shot through me the moment I stood up, leaving me to white-knuckle the edge of my desk.
Fuck’s sake. It’d been a while since I’d drunk anything more than wine at dinner, and I’d been stupid.
Sloppy, even. The downsides of having a human-esque body while being an immortal being.
Sometimes, the realities that hurt humans hurt me just as much.
Like drinking, for example. There was a reason I didn’t do it.
That being said, my brain was blissfully quiet now.
There wasn’t a single thought of Stella, or her bright brown eyes, staring through me like she knew me.
Not even a teeny, tiny ounce of my brain was set aside for the memory of how she’d looked the evening I picked her up from her room, her oversized shirt barely brushing the tops of her smooth thighs.
No room for those full, pink lips, curving into the barest hint of a smile.
I closed my eyes with a groan. Never mind. Apparently, drinking wasn’t the solution to getting the stubborn human woman off my brain.
With a sigh, I made my way toward my door. The only thing I had to worry about now was my traitorous brain, flicking through images of Stella like a slideshow I couldn’t escape. Her smile. Her tears. The way she was never afraid, only ever curious.
It’s your own fault, you know.
‘Wonderful,’ I grumbled, keeping my hand pressed against the cool hallway wall. ‘Exactly who I needed to hear from now: my moral compass. I didn’t even think I had one any more.’
You could’ve just let her be. Just watched her live her life from afar, and never intervened. The fact she’s here, taunting you, looking like sunshine and smelling like brown sugar, is a punishment of your own creation.
‘And here I thought an eternity as the Devil was punishment enough,’ I muttered, trying to pretend I wasn’t having a conversation with myself. ‘Besides, what was I supposed to do? Just let her sister die, and let her live the rest of her life sad and alone? No. The only choice was the one I made.’
You asked to become the Devil. You made the choice of your own free will.
‘So did Stella.’ I thought back to that day in the park, where she looked up at me through a curtain of dark hair, tears clinging to the tips of her eyelashes, desperate for someone to tell her everything was going to be okay.
She was stunning, even when she was shattering into a million pieces next to me.
Fuck, she was beautiful. She was everything I’d ever wanted, and she was close enough for me to touch, to taste, to protect.
So I did. In the only way I could.
‘So did Stella, what?’
My head snapped up at the light voice to see Stella herself standing in the doorway, one of those damn massive shirts draped over her, whispering against her soft skin, tormenting me that they got to touch her that way, while I had to resign myself to watching and wondering.
I forced myself to blink, my thoughts shuttering into place. ‘Nothing. What are you doing up anyway? It’s got to be late.’
She shrugged a slender shoulder, pulling the shirt an inch higher, exposing more of that sacrosanct skin to me. Did she realize what she was doing to me? Was she doing it on purpose?
Did she want me as badly as I wanted her, my fingers tingling in desperation to reach out and touch her? She’d wanted me to kiss her in the bar that night, her lips a breath away. But that was a lifetime ago.
I was fucking gone, lost to the ether, over a woman I could never have. Please, let her be doing it on purpose.
‘Damien.’
I shook my head, trying to focus on Stella in front of me.
She was closer now, close enough for me to smell the warm sugar scent that followed her.
I needed to ask Agatha to find out what shampoo she had given her, because I didn’t want her to ever lose that smell.
I took a breath, steadying the rolling emotions swaying through my blood, the alcohol doing me no favors.
She was so close, I could barely stand it.
She watched me with concern when I deserved anything but.
‘You should be in bed. You could get lost here in the dark, and then what would you do?’ The words cut through the air, colder than I wanted to be, but nowhere near as cold as I could’ve been. Should’ve been. ‘What if the Nihil started bothering you again and I wasn’t here to save you this time?’
‘I would’ve figured it out.’ She rolled her eyes, crossing her arms in front of her chest, but all she succeeded at doing was pulling her shirt tight across her chest, and I was no better than a mere mortal for not being able to take my mind off the straining fabric.
This was the true Hell. She was perfection, sent to torture me. ‘I usually do.’
‘Do you? That’s not what the last few days have demonstrated.’ My restraint was taut, tight as a tightrope, and it took everything in me not to close the distance between us, to wrap my arms around her, just to feel the weight of her against my body.
‘A few days compared to a lifetime is nothing. If you gave me a chance, instead of deciding I needed to be locked away inside your tower like a fragile princess, you might actually see that for yourself.’
My breath caught, my restraint finally, finally, finally stretched that little bit too far. Didn’t she understand the lengths I went to keep her safe? Didn’t she understand all of this was a chance?
‘I don’t, because you don’t talk to me about those things,’ Stella whispered, her voice trembling.
I blinked again. I must have spoken aloud, and I must have allowed my heart to take over because Stella was pinned between my arms, pressed against the wall, barely an inch of space between us.
Fuck. This was too close. Way too close.
How did I even let this happen? I should’ve dropped her off at her room and been on my way.
Instead, I could feel every molecule that separated us, keeping us apart, even as I destroyed them one by one.
I narrowed my eyes, watching as Stella’s breath stuttered out of rhythm, the flush that rose over her cheeks. No fear. Just curiosity.
Curiosity that would forever be my downfall.
I brushed a stray lock of hair away from her forehead, trying to ignore my burning skin where I touched her.
‘You’re far too curious for your own good, Bambi.
Too na?ve. Don’t you realize how many people want to take you away from me?
How many people want to hurt you?’ Mine.
Mine. Mine. I would never let her go without a fight.
‘You don’t want to hurt me,’ she murmured, eyes wide and unblinking. ‘We’re…’
Maybe. Maybe she wanted me a fraction as much as I wanted her.
‘Frenemies?’ I hummed. ‘And yet haven’t I hurt you already? And still you’re here, letting me press you against the wall, your pretty skin blushing, giving away all your dark secrets. I hurt you, and still you crave me. How can I trust you to keep yourself safe?’
‘I don’t… I don’t crave you.’ She shook her head, her hair brushing against my arms, but I didn’t miss the way her thighs pressed together.
‘Don’t you?’ I whispered. This was an opportunity I wasn’t going to let pass me by.
Stella this close again, not running away from me.
Logic had long been thrown out the window; everything that told me to stay away was nowhere to be found.
It was just me and my instincts. ‘Am I really just a friend, or do you find yourself thinking about me when you touch yourself at night? I’d bet you imagine all sorts of delicious things in that head of yours, while your hands slide their way down your body, desperate for a release, all the while trying to convince yourself the thoughts are wrong.
They’re bad. You don’t want me. I’m a monster. ’
I gripped her hip with one hand, my other hand finding its way beneath her shirt, brushing against her skin with a featherlight touch. I didn’t miss the quiet gasp that slipped out from between her perfect lips.
‘I don’t want you.’ She sounded less sure this time, less conviction in her voice. ‘And you’ve been drinking. That’s the only reason you’re saying these things.’
I slid my hand over the soft skin where her thigh met her hip.
‘Does it matter if I’m drunk if you don’t want me?
’ I met her gaze straight on, those bright, intelligent brown eyes, waiting for her to shove me off, to say no, to do something to bring me back down to this plane of existence.
Something. Anything. Did I want her to stop me?
Or did I want to live in this dream as long as I could?
‘I don’t want you.’ Quieter this time. She blinked up at me, and her tongue darted out to lick her lips, giving her sweet lies away. ‘I hate you, remember?’
Even as she professed her hatred of me, she leaned into me.
Gripping her other hip, I pushed my knee between her legs, my thigh just out of reach of her perfect cunt I could only imagine. She had all the power here. All the control. And I wanted to watch her lie crumble.
Stella choked out a moan, her body arching, pushing herself against my thigh in desperation. Fuck, she was stunning. A fallen angel I didn’t deserve. If she wouldn’t let herself give into her desires, I’d give it to her in a way she’d let herself fall.
‘Go on then,’ I whispered, holding my face a breath away from her lips, close enough to steal her air. The words I’d dreamed of for so long spilled from my mouth. ‘Show me how much you hate me, love. Use me.’
An anguished keen tore from her throat as she rocked against my thigh, chasing her release any way she could get it. She was going to ruin my trousers, and I couldn’t find it in me to care.
‘I loathe you,’ she repeated on a moan, rolling her hips against me.
‘I know.’ I held her hips tightly, holding her where she needed it, where her breaths got the fastest, where her moans came the deepest, giving her all I could ever give her.
She was so beautiful, so perfect, and she was finding pleasure through me, of all beings.
Me. I chased her lips, about to kiss her like I’d only dreamed of for so long. She was everything. ‘Say it again.’
‘I hate you.’ Her hips rocked harder, and her eyes closed.
‘Show me, Stella. Hate me.’
She came with a wrecked groan, in the most delicious way I could’ve ever pictured, as I held her trembling body.
‘Damien,’ she breathed, her eyes still shut, resting her head back against the wall. ‘Kiss me.’
Kiss me. The words shocked me like a bolt of lightning, an immediate wave of sobriety.
What the fuck was I doing? I couldn’t be doing this. This would only end in disaster. There was only one way out of this situation, and it wasn’t a happy ending for both of us.
‘I… I can’t.’ My hands fell from her hips, and I pulled my leg out from between her. ‘I’m sorry.’
Stella blinked up at me, cheeks red and flushed, hair wild around her. ‘You can’t?’
‘I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. I shouldn’t have forced you into that.’ Damn it. What had I been thinking? Touching her. Telling her to use me. We could never happen. This could never happen. And all I’d been doing was torturing myself with a taste of something I could never have.
Stella crossed her arms over her chest again, furrowing her brows. ‘What the fuck is exactly going on?’
I reached my hand out without thinking, wanting to reassure her, to touch her once more, before I dropped my arm. Any more touching than necessary would just haunt me further. Even now, I’d be tormented by the sounds she made. ‘What’s going on is that you’re going back to bed, and so am I.’
‘And everything that just happened?’
I could hear the frustration in her voice, the anger, the embarrassment. I had put that there. And it was for that reason amongst many that I knew I was no good for her. I wanted to give her a chance. That chance didn’t include my baggage.
I shoved away from her, completely sober once more.
‘It was a dream, Bambi.’