Chapter 18 – Rebel
Glancing down at her little sister’s face, Rebel took in each of the baby’s features. Her pretty eyes. Her tiny nose and bow mouth. And her downy soft, ink black hair.
Last night, she’d been too drowsy to interact with the baby. When she went to the nursery this morning, Jo was asleep, so this was Rebel’s first opportunity to hold Jo, or Squiggles as CJ called her, for an extended period. It was the first time she was able to cradle Jo and be grateful to do so.
She, Momma, and Jo wore various shades of pink. After showering, Rebel changed into a bright pink nightgown, while Jo’s ruffled sleepsuit was pale pink and adorable, and closer to the shade of Momma’s pajamas.
Rebel had had a long day with a lot of visitors.
She’d enjoyed spending time with Mattie, her brothers, and Ryan.
She was happy Devon hadn’t shown his face and could’ve done without seeing Rory.
Thankfully, he didn’t have much to say. Hearing from Harley and Lolly also brightened her day, but time alone with her mother and sister was the highlight.
Daddy and the boys went home, but Momma stayed, pleasing Rebel and making her feel valued and prioritized. Now, it was nearly 9PM and Rebel missed her own bed. She was all the more grateful for her mother’s presence.
“Here, love,” Momma said, taking Jo from Rebel’s arms before she formed a protest. Resting the baby on her shoulder, she walked to the window seat. Once she sat, she began rubbing Jo’s back. “You need to rest. You’ll have a lot of opportunity to hold her. She’ll be home in a week.”
Leaning back, Rebel nodded. “I forgot about that.”
“Understandable, sweetheart. Considering all that’s happened.”
Including meeting Hopper, or Aunt Hopper, as Momma suggested Rebel and the boys call her since Bash and her were together, of sorts.
Yeah, she was supposed to refer to that motherfucker as ‘uncle’, but she didn’t like him and she didn’t trust him.
For different reasons than why she felt that way about Uncle Johnnie.
Since Aunt Hopper helped Momma and was the mother of Rebel’s cousin, she’d honor the request and refer to her as ‘aunt’. Bash could fuck himself. She’d refrain from saying his name if possible. He’d gone from enemy number one to long, lost relative. Fuck him.
Jo babbled.
“Does it hurt to have a baby, Momma? I know almost everyone says it does, but why do women keep getting pregnant if it hurts to bring kids into the world. So does it really?”
Momma glanced at Rebel, then stood and brought Jo to the crib between the two beds in the room and next to the rocking chair. After, she sat on the rocker and studied Rebel.
“It does,” Momma said, not detailing her meaning.
“I wanted Diesel’s baby,” Rebel said glumly.
“I planned to name her Julia. I…after Jo…” Her voice trailed off and she shrugged.
“I’m afraid of pregnancy, but…” She swallowed, thinking of the demand she’d made of Diesel yesterday.
More afraid of dying young and not experiencing life and love and a baby.
“You’ve had so many of us and you’re still alive. ”
Momma heaved in a harsh breath. Jo made her little baby noises and Rebel smiled, so confused and frightened and disillusioned.
Jana crossed her mind and her mood plummeted even further. Rebel wasn’t sure how yesterday’s shopping trip turned into today’s confrontation. Jana was stressed out because of Diesel’s treatment and taking it out on Rebel.
Or, maybe, Jana was showing her true colors and Rebel should never have trusted her in the first place. She fell for Jana’s pathetic ‘poor me’ attitude, when she was just another wolf in sheep’s clothing. There were a lot of those motherfuckers around.
But Jana…?
Now that Rebel thought about how Jana had started to try to get Kaia’s attention whenever they were all together. How she’d confronted Rebel on behalf of Diesel. Maybe she’d been playing Rebel from the beginning.
It sucked that the thought hurt, as much as it was ironic that Jana always claimed to want to be Rebel’s sister and Rebel accepted her as such without hesitation.
Even if she was actually her great aunt.
Hysterical laughter bubbled up and escaped Rebel in a burst of overwrought emotions that turned into gut-wrenching sobs.
Momma jumped to her feet and rushed to Rebel, sitting next to her and taking her in her arms.
“Oh, my darling, I’m so sorry you’re so hurt. I’m so sorry you’re so focused on Diesel. Or Kaia. Or anybody, love. You have your whole life ahead of you. Babies are work, Rebel. A lot of work. They are hard on you, especially if your body is still developing, which yours is.”
“I’m strong and healthy. I’ll be fine. You’ve had a lot of babies,” she repeated tearfully. “And I know what you’re thinking. I’m young so it won’t work between Diesel and me. But you were young too.”
“I was still three years older and legal,” Momma reminded her, stroking her hair.
“Hear me, sweetheart. Please. I was so lucky to have found your father. More than I can ever express. We worked because he allowed me to mature and I allowed myself to grow up. Neither one of us wanted me stuck in the same place I was when I met Christopher. A lot of relationships like the one your father and I have are doomed from the start.”
“But I don’t think Diesel and me are.”
“Is that what you told him when you asked to speak to him alone?”
She laid her head on her mother’s shoulder and nodded.
“Oh, sweetheart,” Momma said on a groan.
“But he told me ‘no’,” Rebel cried, just then realizing how broken her heart had been ever since. “He said he isn’t the man for me.”
“I don’t think he is. Until a week ago, you wanted Kaia and now—”
“Kaia wasn’t a fill-in,” Rebel interrupted, sniffling. “I cared about him and was happy to go steady with him. But he cheated on me. Diesel would never—”
“Diesel would do that and more, Rebel,” Momma snapped.
“Let’s agree to disagree. He might cheat on those other girls but he wouldn’t on me.”
“If that’s what you believe, then yes, we’ll agree to disagree.”
“Kaia humiliated me. I kept telling him if he only wanted to be friends, that was fine. I told him just don’t go behind my back. He did.”
“Let’s forget Diesel and Kaia for a minute. Let’s talk about the reality of motherhood. Childbirth is famously painful and infamously dangerous to women,” Momma said flatly. “Once that baby is born, your life isn’t yours anymore. It belongs to that child.”
Rebel started to cry again, more confused than ever. Though Kaia had hurt her, she still cared about him. She just didn’t trust him. Whereas Diesel was familiar and honest with her.
Did she like everything he said and did? No. She’d just stopped hating him, but he didn’t hide from her either. He showed every side of himself, warts and all.
But Kaia pretended to be something he wasn’t, crushing her when she discovered the truth from one of Fia’s friends.
He hadn’t even cared enough to make sure Rebel never discovered his betrayal or tell her himself.
So, yes, Diesel was the man she wanted, especially for her first time.
She deserved someone honest. She deserved Diesel…
the man of her dreams, the person she’d wanted from the moment she became aware of what romantic love really meant.
Diesel was handsome, sexy, and badass, sneaking in her room to talk to her and watch her sleep. All she had to do was send a text and he’d run to her. Diesel was the only man who was willing to defy Daddy for Rebel.
That proved he was the one for her. Despite everyone’s warnings, if his life was truly in danger, Diesel wouldn’t be so bold.
Jo began to whine, so Momma released Rebel, got to her feet and rushed to the baby. Once she picked her up, Momma returned to Rebel’s side and sat next to her as she rocked and comforted Jo.
“Do you think Diesel will take care of a baby while you rest? Christopher did for me, especially with CJ. But he still had club duties, so I was alone a lot and had to figure it all out. Do you want that for yourself?”
“But I thought Daddy was making the house a compound? If that’s the case, you’d be there to help me.”
“Love, I’ll never turn my back on you. I will always love and support you, but if you bring a baby into the world, you have to be ready to step up as its mother.”
“You wouldn’t help me?”
“Of course, but I don’t expect you to end up pregnant for years to come. I also expect you to be able to stand on your own two feet and take care of your baby with or without me. What if something happened to me? Then what? How would you or the child survive?”
“I don’t know,” Rebel whispered.
“Exactly. And what about Gunner and Jo? I have two young children myself. Suppose I end up pregnant again?”
“Then my sister would be the same age as her niece?” Rebel posed it as a question because she didn’t know what else to say to that.
“Her fatherless niece,” Momma snapped. “When you go in for prenatal care, you will have questions about that baby’s father. If Christopher doesn’t kill Diesel, the hospital will report him.”
“Then I won’t receive prenatal care, Momma.”
“A child isn’t a check to mark off on your list of life’s goals,” Momma said in a hard voice, clearly losing her patience.
“It’s a real person. A flesh and blood human being that you’d have to mold and prepare for the world.
That starts when that baby is in the womb.
It would be irresponsible and selfish of you not to have prenatal care to protect a grown man who would deserve whatever he gets from the law or from Christopher. ”
“I thought you’d be happy at the prospect of a grandchild from me. If I died, you’d always have a reminder of me.”
“Oh, Reb, my darling girl, that child wouldn’t be you. There’s no one that could replace you. You cannot lose yourself to the what-ifs, sweetheart. That’s the quickest way to ruin your life. You’ve been through a lot these past weeks and I understand why this is weighing on you.”
“It is weighing on me, but I’ll be okay.
I went to a stupid mall to shop and ended up almost drowned.
If you hadn’t gotten that lesson for me, I would’ve died.
If Diesel hadn’t come, I don’t know how much longer I could’ve fought.
It was all chance and happenstance, Momma.
Suppose it had gone the other way? I would’ve died only having been kissed twice.
When Kaia asked for sex, I told him I wasn’t ready. ”
Momma growled and got to her feet, stalking to Jo’s crib and settling her in. The baby had fallen asleep.
“If you aren’t ready for sex, you aren’t ready for it, Rebel. Not only with Kaia, but with Diesel, too.”
Rebel didn’t respond.
“How many ways do I have to say Diesel will die if he touches you? Christopher will kill him. How many times have I told you that in the last few weeks?”
“A lot, Momma, but I don’t believe Daddy would ever hurt me like that.”
“If you turn up pregnant and you’re eighteen, that’s bad enough. Maybe I’ll talk your daddy down, and that’s a big maybe. But if it’s in the next three years? Diesel. Will. Die. Do you want that for him?”
“I don’t believe—”
“Then don’t. Just heed my words for Diesel’s sake and your own.”
“Did you heed your mother’s words about Daddy?”
“Christopher isn’t Diesel, Rebel. Diesel isn’t Christopher. However you want to look at it. They are two different men.”
“Yeah, but on the same side of the coin. For you, Daddy’s an older, dangerous man. Diesel’s an older, dangerous man, too. The only difference is I’m not legal and you were, but age is just a number. No big deal.”
“It’s a very big deal when you’re a minor. Get that through your head. He would be a predator and you would be a victim.”
“Not if I want it!”
Momma gasped and raised her hand, her face reddening.
“I want—”
“Give me a moment, Rebel.”
“No. Nothing you say will change my mind. I only have two options. Diesel and Kaia—”
“I asked you for a minute. That meant silence. You aren’t changing my mind about this.”
Rebel wilted. Between the confrontation at the volleyball game and the events of yesterday, everything felt upside down.
Momma hugged her.
“You probably think I’m fickle or don’t know the meaning of love or both,” Rebel said quietly.
“No, sweetheart, I don’t feel that way at all. I think you’re racing toward disaster for yourself and an early grave for him.”
Rebel pursed her lips.
“You will meet someone worthy of you, sweetheart. Someone who is willing to wear his heart on his sleeve and let the world know how much he loves you. Please, just have a little patience.”
Momma didn’t get Rebel’s urgency. She could have all the patience in the world, but if it was her destiny to die young, then she didn’t have much time left to find the type of love and romance her parents had with her own knight on shining chrome.
Diesel.