Chapter 48 Hell
Icollapsed. Liv was covered in blood, cradling the lifeless head of the woman who had become a mother to me, and I felt as though I could not breathe.
The entire world seemed to freeze with me.
I could see the tears streaming down Liv’s face.
They were matched by my own. But the urge to comfort her was not strong enough to displace the cavernous feeling within me.
It was as though my heart shattered and crumbled into dust, there was nothing left.
Margaret was gone, and with her all of the warmth in this clearing.
My eyes remained fixed on her and I committed every trait to memory.
That was all she would be now. Snow-white hair that seemed to have lost its shine now, round cheeks that carried smiles bright enough to cure ailments, wrinkles at the corners of her eyes and mouth that spoke to how often she graced the world with those smiles.
I wanted to remember it all, though the memories could never do her justice.
They would be stained in blood now, like Liv’s clothes, like the ground.
No, I did not want to remember her this way.
I slammed my eyes shut, willing the image away.
In truth, I wished it would all go away.
I was the one that decided to go back for the remaining girls.
That single decision was what antagonized Stanhope, what forced him to send the enforcers here.
My body went completely cold. This was my fault.
Tears fell hot down my cheeks, cutting through the bite of winter air and seeping into my clothes.
I do not know how long I spent in that clearing.
Long enough for the darkness to feel comforting, long enough for the chill to turn to numbness.
I did not want to open my eyes, did not want to accept what was sitting before me.
Then, I felt a sting on my hand. Not a sting, a wetness, colder than the cold I had been feeling.
Ice. I forced one eye open, avoiding the scene ahead.
A single snowflake had melted into my skin.
Another fell beside it and quickly turned to liquid.
More and more fell, until I could no longer tell if the wetness on my clothes was from tears or snow.
The snow continued to fall and melt and then grew heavier.
The ground around me turned white and colder still.
Then a hand rested on my shoulder. A small bit of warmth in a world turned to ice.
Snow crunched beneath knees as they settled beside me, and I was wrapped into strong arms.
My shallow breaths became more even as they pulled in the smell of warm pine and smoke.
Heartbroken sobs wracked my body as I finally gave in to grief.
Raf held me while I fell apart. He did not say a single word, did not try to calm me. He was simply there.
After a long while, only the gods know how long, he rose to his feet, pulling me with him.
He did not let go when my feet were finally planted on the ground.
He squeezed me tighter as though he could press all of my broken pieces back into place.
Then, he lifted his head and pressed his cheek to mine.
A small sniffle broke free. He was hurting just as much as any of us, but he understood one thing that we would not dare to think of.
“She would want us to continue.” It was a simple statement, whispered through sadness.
But it forced me to finally look at Liv.
She was curled in on herself, Ezra stroking her hair while she sobbed against Margaret’s chest.
Ezra’s face was blank, his eyes empty. He looked entirely hollowed out.
It was at that moment I realized that Liv would need someone to get her up as well.
I crossed the clearing on shaky legs. Each step felt like agony, like walking across broken glass toward a place I never wished to go.
I kept going though. I had to, for Liv, for the girls, for Margaret.
I fell into the snow beside her, and Ezra moved aside with a shuddering breath.
I brushed a strand of hair from Margaret’s face with a trembling hand.
She was still beautiful, even like this.
Liv finally looked at me. Her eyes were swollen and red. Her normally rosy cheeks were pale and sallow. I could not find the words to comfort her, not while I was falling deeper into despair.
“I do not know how…” She sobbed. “What do I do Hell?”
Her body shook violently with her cries and something else broke within me.
“I do not know how to live without my mother.”
I could not give her an answer. I did not have the heart to tell her that the loss would never leave her, that she would never be the same, that I still had not learned how to exist in a world without mine.
I could not tell her that losing Margaret would be a wound all of us would carry until the day we too left this place.
So, I did not. Instead, I told her what I did not know, but Margaret did.
“We cannot stay here, in our sorrow. No matter the cost, we persevere.”
She shook her head against me. “We do not stop doing what is right, even when the cost is devastating.”
When she lifted her head, understanding shone in her eyes.
Recognition. No daughter of Margaret’s would give up.
I pulled Liv into a hug, the same kind of hug that Raf hoped would piece me back together.
Then, I lifted Margaret into my arms and nodded at Liv.
“We will give her a proper burial.” I sniffled one final time and then steeled my resolve. “Then we will keep going.” Liv nodded back and together, Ezra, Liv, Raf, and I moved forward, just as Margaret would have wanted. We retreated into the forest and left the sanctuary behind.