Chapter 54 Hell
Though the exhaustion of everything that had happened settled heavily into my bones, sleep did not come easy.
It was not only the ache that I felt…everywhere.
It was the regret that toiled in my mind.
I pored over every moment, every interaction.
Perhaps if I had done something differently, said one thing in a different way, it would have changed everything or prevented all of this.
Liv and Ezra kept saying it was not my fault, that there was nothing I could do.
But, I could have kept my guard up, could have decided not to trust so blindly.
I walked along the familiar path, the forest air warm and damp on my skin. It was quiet, and right now that is what I needed. The pebble I had been kicking down the path took a turn and skittered off into the woods. I froze in the clearing.
“Show yourself!” I shouted into the dark beyond the trees. “I know you are there, Blacksmith.” I was met with silence. Then, a figure shifted between the trees. Rafael stepped into the clearing slowly, hands raised at his sides as though approaching a frightened animal.
“Do not.” I crossed my arms.
His hands dropped, but he remained poised as though he wished to flee. “Do not what?”
“Look at me like that,” I sneered.
“Like what?” He shrugged, and took a cautious half step back.
“Like I am the one who should be feared. As though I have done something wrong.”
I was irritated, but beneath that, though I would never admit it, there was a part of me that hated this.
I hated how defeated he looked. He was still in the clothes he had been wearing when I sealed him in the cave, hair sticking up wildly, dark circles under his eyes as though he had fought to evade sleep as much as I had fought to claim it.
“At this very moment, you are the one who should be feared. Though, not because you have done something wrong.” His gaze dropped to the forest floor. “If you were to strike me down here, and now I would deserve it.” The answer was so raw that it stole some of the fight from me.
“I do not harm people so freely, nor do I betray the ones I have claimed to care for,” I said coldly. A bit of my anger flared to the surface.
“And yet, I am afraid of you.” He still would not meet my gaze.
I scoffed. “How terribly convenient.”
“Not because I think you will hurt me.” His gaze finally met mine. “Because I know I have hurt you.” Tears welled in the rims of his eyes. A piece of me wanted to feel bad for him, he looked utterly broken. There was a stronger piece of me though, one that never wanted to speak to him again.
“Leave.” It came out harsh, like a command. I suppose it was.
“I have tried.”
“I do not want you here!” The yell echoed through the trees.
“And I do not wish to be here,” he shot back. “Believe me, I did everything I could to avoid this. I fought my sleep and when it pulled me here, I fought to escape. But I am inexplicably pulled to you time and time again,” he sighed. “Perhaps the gods wish to see me grovel,” he murmured.
“Why would I believe anything that spills from your lips?” I did believe him though. He looked now exactly as he did when he first came to the sanctuary. The same dark circles around his eyes, the same bone-deep exhaustion. He was not lying, not about this anyway.
“That is the problem,” I whispered.
His brow furrowed. “What is?”
“I believe you.” He went completely still.
“Not about everything,” I snapped before hope could even think of touching his face.
“Do not look at me like that. I believe that you did not want to be here. I believe you tried to stay awake. And I hate that I do because I knew you, Blacksmith.”
My throat tightened around my words. “I knew when you were avoiding something, when you were frightened, when things were eating away at you.”
My anger cracked beneath something infinitely worse. “So how did I not know?”
I crossed the clearing to a rock beneath a tree. I sat and buried my face in my hands. The gravel crunched beneath Raf’s boots with each careful step he took.
“Was any of it real?” I asked without looking at him.
“All of it was.” His response came without hesitation. “Every conversation, flirtation, the way I look at you. Each dream we walked together. Whatever has been quietly growing between us despite your every attempt at dismissing it. It was all real.” He sighed.
“So was your betrayal.” My voice cracked.
“I know,” he whispered.
“No. You do not.”
“Hell…”
I cringed at my name on his lips. “I let you know me.” I took in a deep shuddering breath. “You made me trust you.” I could not even look at him.
“I was afraid!” His voice was louder, more raw than it had been.
“I was afraid, and I thought I could control it. Every time I gave him something harmless, I told myself I was protecting all of you and protecting my brother. Then he asked for something else. And something else. And by the time I understood what I had done…”
“Margaret was dead,” I spat. Tears welled in my eyes and I quickly wiped them away.
“I truly did not have anything to do with that raid. I did not give him the sanctuary.” He grew silent for a moment. “But it is my fault. Because I did not stop him either.” I did not try to comfort him or tell him he was wrong. It was his fault. It was all of ours in some way.
“Why did you not tell me?” My voice was barely above a whisper now. “You should have come to me.”
“Because he told me if I did, my brother would die.”
“You should have trusted me.” He moved closer. Close enough for me to feel completely at odds with the comfort it brought.
“I did.”
“Do not insult me,” I laughed bitterly.
“I trusted you enough, knew you well enough, to know exactly what you would do.” I stood from the rock and turned my back to him. “You would have gone after him, just as you are going to now.”
“Of course I would have!” I finally turned to look at him.
“Exactly.” His eyes were sad.
“I would have fought beside you.”
“I could not watch you die fighting beside me!” The force of his shout startled me. He looked almost as shocked by it as I was. I took a step back, not bothering to wipe the tears that fell down my cheeks.
“You did not get to make that choice for me.” I slammed my eyes shut and forced myself awake. He faded before me and my eyes flew open.