Chapter 18 Not a Good Idea
Eighteen. Not a good idea
Tamara
Emotions are high today and I shouldn’t be surprised.
For one, as Dr. Gopalan rubbed the wand over my belly, the baby started to move.
Secondly, Patrick cried. He’s always been very attuned to his emotions, so it didn’t catch me off guard.
It was still very disarming to see this large man buckle at the knees as tears streamed down his face.
I mostly felt a sense of relief. The fear of a second miscarriage was what triggered my panic the other day and now that I’ve seen the baby move, heard their heartbeat and know they’re doing okay, I’m exhausted from all the worry I’ve been holding inside me.
The word failure echoed in my head after I lost the baby three years ago and going through that again would probably break me.
If that’s not enough, I’m still reeling from the easy way Patrick held me when Dr. Gopalan took us through what the testing was for.
Unlike him, I don’t let the world see my emotions or feelings.
I don’t like pity and sympathy. I got too much of it when I was a kid after my parents died, I hate the way it makes me feel.
Patrick didn’t do any of that. He tugged me into his lap, held and reassured me.
And meant it. We’d talked about it enough that he was aware of my basic fears.
Telling him about the miscarriage is on my list, but it’s not something I want to relive right now.
Besides, I feel safe with him and talking about my past relationship is the opposite of that. I want us to savour this, enjoy knowing our baby is healthy and growing.
This moment of vulnerability has made me very aware of the fact that we’re behaving like a couple.
For the next six months, we’re not even coparenting.
I don’t want either of us being confused by what this means or how we’re moving forward.
We can’t ignore all the lines I’ve drawn and my transparent walls are reverting to their original state.
I have to protect myself first, and that means doing my best to keep Patrick at a distance.
I don’t know if it’ll work, but I have to try.
It’s pretty clear not even an eight-year relationship with someone else can erase the impact Patrick had on me. I can’t forget my first love or the heartbreak that followed.
Exhaling shakily, I force my body to relax and look across the table at Patrick.
Dr. Gopalan gave us copies of the sonogram and a prescription for my vitamins.
She gave me this list at my first appointment and knows I haven’t done anything about it.
So she handed it to Patrick this time, fully aware he’s the adult in this situation.
I’ve never liked taking medication and as a kid almost choked on a tablet.
Now I have to psyche myself to swallow painkillers during a bad IBS episode.
Afterwards, I suggested we stop for lunch because I’m starving.
Even though he made us breakfast, my stomach feels empty.
The pregnancy books did warn me I’d be hungry often, need to pee a lot and the exhaustion never goes away.
For someone who works as much as I do, all of this sounds very inconvenient.
So we’re sitting at a small café not too far from the clinic.
I’m done with my iced tea, but Patrick hasn’t touched his coffee yet.
He’s too busy staring at the sonogram.
My phone pings continuously from inside my bag, but I take my time retrieving it from deep inside the tote. The CUNTS group is overflowing with messages and I smile as I scroll through them.
Krys
HELLO.
Millie
IS ANYBODY THERE?
Vera
HELLOOOOO.
Krys
We need an update, Tamamama!
Millie
Did we get the date and time wrong?
Vera
No, today is the day. Maybe they had to wait?
Krys
Fuck, I remember them making me and Venkat wait when I was pregnant the first time.
Millie
That sounds not fun.
Krys
It wasn’t. I was hungry and cranky and ready to kill my husband.
You’re all way too energetic this morning.
Millie
I had two orgasms as soon as I woke up, I don’t know about these two cunts.
Vera
Two for me too!
Krys
I’m sadly on my period and Venkat’s travelling. *pouts*
You and I can be the odd ones out.
Vera
Excuse me, you could have two orgasms. You made the choice not to.
Whatever, queen of logic.
Everything looks good. We’re healthy and on track.
Vera
This is amazing, congrats Tam!
Millie
Do you have a picture? Did you hear the heartbeat?
Yes and yes. Patrick’s commandeered the picture, though.
Krys
We need proof.
[sends picture of Patrick smiling at the sonogram]
Vera
He’s so cute.
Millie
Not the word I would use to describe him, but we’ll go with that.
Hey, no objectifying my baby daddy!
Krys
Have you called him DADDY yet?
No.
Millie
Why not?
Because.
Millie
….
Krys
….
Vera
Methinks she’s ignoring all the advice we gave her.
You told me to get the stick out of my ass and I did. There was no mention of fucking him.
Millie
Consider this us telling you to fuck that slab of sexy man-meat in your flat!!!
Krys
Did nobody warn her that pregnancy will make her horny?
Millie
Me also thinks she’s ignoring our advice.
Vera
Okay, gross. That is my future brother-in-law
!!!!!!!! I BEG YOUR PARDON?
Vera
He hasn’t proposed, but I was thinking I wouldn’t hate it if he did
Millie
Oh my god, this year has been full of surprises
Krys
All it took was some good dick and Vera’s thinking about weddings?
Vera
Get it out of your systems
Millie
Happy for you, Vee. Seriously. Now only Tam needs to lock that man down
I look at Patrick, who’s still smiling at the sonogram.
It’s ridiculous how he can be cute, charming and a slab of sexy meat.
Locking him down is the opposite of what I’m trying to do and my friends know it.
I’m not totally against sex. But I know myself.
One orgasm will turn into two and then my heart will cut herself into pieces and serve herself like a fucking seven course meal.
I kick his leg and Patrick jumps, looking up at me in confusion. “What?”
“Are you planning to share it with me at some point?”
He blinks, like he doesn’t know what I’m talking about, and then laughs. “Sorry, Lo. Got carried away.”
“I know. It’s cute.”
He blushes and slides the picture over as food is set in front of us.
I hold the sonogram up, making sure Patrick’s in the background and take a picture.
I take another one as he glances at me with a wide smile and save that for myself.
I send it to the girls, then to the Thomas family chat.
I put the first picture with a blurry Patrick into the extended family chat so all my aunts and other cousins will know.
Baby Chandy-Joseph arriving February ’25
Then before they respond, I shove my phone into the bottom of my bag and dive into my Mexican breakfast bowl. There’s enough jalapenos to set my butthole on fire, but this baby is hell bent on eating everything spicy in sight.
“Our baby is the size of a plum,” he says, smiling to himself and catches me off guard.
“You’ve really been reading all the books, huh?”
“Trying to. They’re verbose and I don’t always have the energy.”
“You’re also handling this better than I thought.”
“My choices are to lose my mind and walk away or accept that it’ll be good. So yeah, I want to handle this better. I want to be here for you, Lo. And our baby.”
The surety with which he says the words comforts me. In the beginning I was confident I could do this alone. It’s why I told him he didn’t have to change his life. Having him here makes a difference. Even if I can’t let us be together, I’ll take this.
“If I haven’t said it in a while, I’m glad you’re here,” I tell him and he smiles shyly.
“I wasn’t going to let you do this alone, Lo.”
My heart skips and I nod, using my glass of water as a means to distract myself from these complicated feelings making themselves known.
“Did you have name suggestions?” he asks once he’s done with his food.
Eyes wide, I stare at him. “You’re already thinking about names?”
“I’ve been thinking about you and our kid since the day you told me. Well, I’ve been thinking about you a lot longer.”
I sigh loudly at this incessant flirting and wave at him. “Let’s hear your options.”
He pulls out his phone and clears his throat. “For a boy, top choices are Mathai or Charlie. If it’s a girl, Susannah or Rebecca.”
“Strong selections. Why is Mathai the only Malayali name on your list?”
“I like the way it sounds. We can call him Matt for short.”
I shrug and pick at my food. “Not my top choice.”
“So you have thought about it.”
“I’m thinking about it right now. Why Susannah and Rebecca?” I ask.
“Susannah was my Ammachi’s name and I’d love to honour her in some way.”
I smile, remembering how important this grandmother was to him. It’s kismet that the other option for a baby girl means something to me as well. “Rebecca was my mother’s,” I admit softly and his face lights up.
“It’s meant to be.”
Shaking my head, I chuckle. There’s so much more to Patrick than looking like a big, burly Indian Viking. I love getting to see all the parts of him. Then I’m imagining what our kid would look like. Tall and broad like their father or soft and curvy like me.
Before I can respond, two teenagers come over, fumbling over their words and almost drop their phone.
Patrick turns to them and talks about hockey.
I like seeing him animated and happy. He thinks nobody recognises him or knows what he’s achieved.
I think they’re more intimidated by the sheer size of this man.
What they don’t know is he’s so gentle, he’d squat to their level so they’re not scared of him.
Once the kids leave and he’s facing me again, my heart thuds at the brightness in his amber eyes. There he is, the boy I fell in love with.
“Golden Retriever,” I say instead and his eyes widen. “You’ve always been a Golden Retriever.”
He swallows hard and when he speaks, his voice is rough. “Thought you were the Golden and I was a Labrador.”
There’s a tug at my heart as the memory pops into my head. My crush was so much bigger than both of us, but I was afraid to ruin our friendship. To me, that was far more important.
“Maybe we can switch roles.”
His responding smile is so beautiful it hurts more than I expected, but I shove the pain down and focus on the moment. Not us. It can never be about us.
“Does it really not bother you that people don’t recognise you as the Patrick Joseph?”
His expression shutters, but he catches himself. The smile is dimmer and I hate that I switched topics. But protecting myself is far more important than letting myself feel things.
“Some days, it does. But those kids make me forget about the ones that ignore me. Besides, I won a medal. I made my country proud and came home to my girl.”
“It’s weird, considering how fucking large you are,” I say, evading the my girl comment skilfully.
“I knew you liked my size.” He winks and I roll my eyes.
“Finish your food. I wanna nap when we get home.”
He nods and shovels food into his mouth. Then beats me to the punch, again, and pays the bill before I can get my wallet out of my bag. This is going to be a constant thing, I already know it.
As we walk to my car, I wonder for the millionth time why we didn’t take his bike. I must be frowning deeply, because he looks over at me when we stop at yet another traffic light.
“What’s on your mind, Lo?”
“We should have taken your bike.”
“We can go for a ride later,” he offers and I yawn loudly. “After you’ve gotten enough sleep, of course.”
At home, I unlock the front door and peel off my shoes as he does the same, tossing the keys into the new side table I put there for this very reason.
I shove my leftover food into the fridge and grab a bottle of water before heading to my room.
His footsteps echo behind me, but I don’t turn around.
“What do you think about going out to dinner sometime this week?”
I frown and look over my shoulder at him. “You tired of cooking?”
“Like a date, Lo. You and me. Get dressed up, go somewhere nice and eat a meal.”
Oh no. There’s no right way to refuse him, but I’m still going to be the bitch that breaks him.
I keep my back to Patrick as I slide off my earrings and untie my hair.
His gaze burns into my back, but I don’t look at him.
I’m afraid if I meet his eyes, I’ll succumb and my walls will crumble.
Forget transparent, they’ll no longer exist.
“Probably not a good idea, right? Let’s not confuse what this is.”
I know the words hit their mark by the dead silence. I swallow hard and look over, he’s staring at me with his jaw clenched and I hate myself a little.
“Yeah, you’re right. Have a good nap, I’m gonna get some work done.”
I nod and once he’s gone, I close the bedroom door and collapse face first into my bed. Then release the loudest groan I can muster. There’s a special place in hell for monsters like me.