31. Lavinia
THIRTY-ONE
LAVINIA
“So, how was it?” I ask. “You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to.”
I signal left and come to a stop at the light before glancing over at the passenger seat. Kai has his head resting against the seat rest. His normally neat dark blonde hair is a mess from where he was probably running his hand through it. He glances at me with tired brown eyes.
“It’s the same it always is. Exhausting. Why do they make us talk so much?”
I chuckle a little. “Because they’re therapists. If they don’t learn our trauma, they can’t find out why we only have cinnamon flavored coffee or why we can’t eat French toast anymore.”
I realize I might sound bitter and that’s the last thing I want to project when Kai is already struggling with therapy. But when he laughs, I relax.
“Yeah, or why we have a difficult time with authority figures,” Kai jokes.
“Why we have a difficult time letting people in.”
Kai laughs. “Why we have weird dreams about clowns.”
The light turns green, and I move the car forward to wait for oncoming traffic to disperse.
“Okay, all dreams about clowns are weird. Clowns shouldn’t even exist,” I say.
The traffic slows down and I turn left into the strip mall that houses our favorite local coffee shop. I pull into the drive thru and then we idle. There’s a long line of cars, as always.
“I thought you like horror movies,” Kai says.
“I like paranormal movies, and cute ones. Like Practical Magic, Halloweentown, Twilight, Hocus Pocus. Nothing that’s going to keep me up at night and give me nightmares.”
I inch forward a little. This has been a ritual of ours since I first started taking Kai to therapy six months ago.
“Can I ask you something?” Kai asks.
“Sure.” I shrug.
“Why did you marry Roman?”
I want to say I’m surprised by the question, but I’m really not. I assume all of them are wondering the same thing. Honestly, when I’m not with him, I wonder the same thing, too.
Then I see him, and he does something sweet, like buying me a really expensive ring and knowing that my favorite color is pink, planning a date where we get to eat my favorite food and watch my favorite movie.
When he does all that, my brain goes, ‘oh, that’s why.’ Because no other boyfriend or the one fiancé went to such lengths. It didn’t bother me, until now.
I always chalked it up to them being busy because I only dated professional athletes or people who worked with them. It’s easy for things to fall through the cracks when you’re constantly on the move.
While I’ve been thinking, the cars in front of us have moved forward and we’re next in line to order. Once I place our orders, I turn to Kai.
“I like him,” I say.
I don’t add more, and he doesn’t ask me why. He accepts it at face value like a good friend
“I hope he treats you right or he’s going to make a lot of Titans angry,” he says.
“If Jules leaves any part of him alive, you’re welcome to him,” I say.
I roll up to the drive thru window and pay for our drinks, accepting my decaf iced coffee and Kai’s mocha Frappuccino with extra whip. It’s his after therapy treat.
“Why don’t you guys like Roman? Be honest.” I may as well get some intel that’ll help me.
Kai sips on his coffee. “It’s not that we don’t like him. He’s never made efforts with us, and yeah, the marriage doesn’t help. At the end of the day, it’s your decision and we understand that. But we can’t really ignore the fact that Roman has no regard for this team.”
That makes perfect sense, and Roman knows this, I’m sure.
“What if, it’s just the way he is? He’s never really opened himself up to people, not even his previous teammates.”
I feel Kai’s gaze on the side of my face. “I understand that, but it might take the other guys some time to come around. He’s different when he talks about you.”
Picking up my coffee, I take a sip, willing myself not to blush. “We have a lot of history.”
“Was Roman like this when you were younger? Drew really doesn’t like him.”
“He was. We were in the same school until he was sent to boarding school and he spent so much time in the principal’s office because he was always getting into fights.”
“But he was always nice to you?” Kai tilts his head.
“Always. He was my best friend, other than Jules. We spent a lot of time together.”
Kai hums thoughtfully and doesn’t say anything else.
“I hope you guys give him a chance,” I say. “Roman isn’t a bad or malicious person. Whatever he says or does, it’s not because he has something against you guys.”
With that, I turn on the audiobook we were listening to on our drive back to his place. Where Roman’s also waiting for me. Each block closer causes my heart to race, even though I’m not doing anything strenuous, and I’m still in pretty good shape.
It’s dinner and a movie. I can be alone with Roman for a few hours without it leading to anything. We used to do it all the time when we were kids. It’s no big deal.
“Do you want to come over to Roman’s apartment and watch a movie with us?” My voice is squeaky and high pitched. I want time to rewind so I can go back to a minute ago and stop myself from asking Kai to join us.
I’m sure it’s going to be as awkward for him as it will be for me. I don’t even know if Roman likes having people in his space, other than me and Kita.
Kai assesses me quietly. “Are you afraid to be alone with Roman?”
My hands tighten on the steering wheel, and I swallow, nodding once. “It’s not the way you might think, though. It’s not stranger danger. It’s the good kind of fear, you know?”
“I don’t know.”
“It’s nerves and fear and excitement. Roman and I are married, but we’re still very new to this relationship. It’s a lot like those early days of dating when you’re still getting to know someone, but you know that you might end up liking them. It’s that.”
From the corner of my eye, I see Kai shrug. “Why does that make you nervous?”
“Because feelings, Kai. Feelings are complicated and big.”
“Life is big and complicated, Lavinia. What’s the worst that can happen if you like a boy?”
“He can like me back and then dump me because I’m not exciting enough.”
My face heats as I realize I’ve admitted my worst fear out loud to Kai. I don’t want to dump my emotions on the poor guy.
“Then he’s an idiot,” Kai says confidently.
“Any man who doesn’t see how amazing you are doesn’t deserve to even know you.
My grandmother always says that excitement is like the spark of a match.
It’s enough to ignite, but it’s never going to last. If you keep chasing excitement, you’re never going to be happy.
You have to allow yourself to be bored and to settle, in the best ways possible. You grow in the quiet moments.”
I reflect on his words as I drive, and I realize how true they are. When I look back at my relationships, and not only the romantic ones, I realize they are not important to me because of the things we did together or the loud moments we shared.
They’re important because we grew together in the loud moments, but most importantly in the quiet ones, in the everyday moments that you don’t remember but make up the better part of your relationship. I also realize I still want that in a romantic relationship.
“Your grandmother is a very smart woman,” I tell Kai.
For the rest of the drive, we remain quiet, listening to our audiobook. We’re supposed to be reading this book for the book club, which consists of Kai, Jules, and me. The one we’re currently listening to is a second chance romance, and while I’m not a huge fan of those, I’m enjoying this one.
I don’t like the concept of going back to your ex after they’ve done something messed up to lead to the break up, but when it’s external circumstances that tear them apart and they come together stronger? You can’t keep the book away from me.
I pull the car into the underground garage of Kai’s building and park in the visitor’s parking lot.
“Are you and Roman going to move in together?” Kai asks, as we walk to the elevator lobby.
Lying to my family and friends is the one downside of this pretend marriage. It’s not a real marriage so I can’t move in with Roman, even though he’s offered. It’ll definitely make the marriage believable, but I can’t let go of the fear.
“Yeah, maybe,” I hedge. “Eventually.”
“See, this is what I don’t understand about your relationship. You’re married, but you don’t act like you’re married.”
“Not all relationships are built the same, Kai. Two people can be married and not live together. Aunt Constance was married to her third husband for fifteen years and they maybe spent the equivalent of five months together. Although, according to family lore it was a lavender marriage.”
We step into the elevator and Kai presses the button for his floor and Roman’s.
“So, you’re going to be married and not live together?”
I shrug. “My life could use a little drama.”
That makes him laugh and when the elevator stops at his floor, he gets out and turns to face me. “You would hate having a dramatic life. You need a quiet, boring life.”
The door closes before he can see the look on my face, but the steel reflects a warped version of my own stricken expression.