37. Roman
THIRTY-SEVEN
ROMAN
Away games are hell. They’re worse when you have a beautiful wife at home you want to spend all your time with. Seriously, most of my time is spent thinking what Lavinia is up to at any given moment.
Especially since I had her mostly to myself over Christmas break. It was my first Christmas I spent with someone since I was a kid. We spent the day at her parents’ house watching Christmas movies.
It reminded me of when we were kids, and her mom would make Christmas cookies for us. The whole house smelled of sugar and vanilla. This time, it was Lavinia who did the baking, and I ate everything she made, diet be damned, because it was all delicious.
I’ve been spoiled by her presence every day and now here I am, stalking her social media hoping she posts. I suddenly feel like I’m back in high school and college, all those years when Lavinia wasn’t mine, and I had to get my fill of her through social media.
Of course, I’ve checked in on her. Probably more than she likes because she literally told me to stop messaging her. I hope she doesn’t expect me to stop caring about her because she asked.
My phone rings again with another call from my father. He usually never calls unless it’s something I can do for him or he’s getting the chance to play up the hockey legacy whose son followed in his footsteps.
I’ve been ignoring him since I moved to Boston, and I thought he’d forgotten about me when the calls stopped.
“Are you going to answer that?” Drew shoots a glare my way. He sets the dumbbells he was using back on the rack.
“I’m debating it.”
With a roll of his eyes and grunt, he turns away from me. It’s clear to see Lavinia got all the personality and charm in the womb.
The phone quiets and I breathe out in relief. I set my own dumbbells down before lifting my towel and wiping the sweat off my face. My father must be growing impatient because almost as soon as the phone stops ringing, it starts again.
“Could be an emergency,” Holden says.
“Trust me, if it was, I’d be getting a call from the police or the hospital.”
My father isn’t the man anyone wants around in an emergency. He’ll find ways to blame you and tell you what a huge inconvenience it is for him that you got hurt. Care? He doesn’t know the meaning of the word.
“I’ll be right back,” I say to no one.
I grab my phone and walk out of the gym. We’re using Philly’s practice facility and it’s a surreal experience to be on this side.
Maybe because I’m from Boston and spent a lot of time at the Titan’s arena that the Parker Caine Arena feels like home more than any other place ever did. I walk to the end of the hallway, looking out the window at the parking lot below.
Taking a deep, bracing breath, I finally answer the call.
“Dad.”
“Finally, he answers. That device in your hand is a communication device, Roman. When it rings, you answer. I thought I taught you that much, but clearly I was wrong.” His gruff voice fills my ear and immediately, I’m five years old being told I’ll never be as good as him at hockey if I don’t get my head in the game. I shut my eyes against that image.
“I’m at the gym with the team. Do you actually need something? I know it’s not a social call.”
“Now I need a reason to call my son?”
“You always have a reason to call me.”
“Your mother wants to have a big dinner party. She wants to know what days you’re playing so she can plan around it,” Dad says.
“I don’t know why after all these years she wants to have a party.
She doesn’t know how to cook, and it’ll be a waste of time for everyone, but all of a sudden after thirty-five years of marriage she wants to be traditional. ”
I pinch the bridge of my nose. This isn’t an emergency, not to mention I don’t want anything to do with my parent’s social life. The last place I want to be is in that house.
“I’ll text her. Is there anything else?” I ask.
“Yeah. Your agent told me you turned down the documentary interview again. With the way your career is going, I don’t see why you’re fucking up this leverage.
What, you want people to see that Asher Maddox’s son is no good at being a team player?
You want to make a name for yourself by being the big shot who fucks up and fucks around? ”
I’m firing my agent as soon as I get off this call. I only have one demand from my agents, and that is nothing I do in my career is ruled by who my father is or what he demands. As soon as you cross that line, you’re gone.
I’ve already let go of two agents because they thought I was kidding about that, and this will be the third. I don’t fuck around when it comes to how far I want to be from my father and his shadow. I may wear his name, but I’m not a fucking Maddox legacy.
“Nothing I do on the ice or off it is any of your concern,” I grind out.
“As long as you wear my name on your back, it is my concern!” His voice is getting louder, and my heart rate is increasing.
“If you’re going to play for my team, you’re going to clean up your act.
And I’m telling your agent you’re accepting that interview slot.
Oh, and whatever woman of the week you were photographed with, tell her goodbye.
You don’t need to be distracted by some pussy. ”
My heart booms inside my chest and I’m quite sure I’m having a heart attack. There in’t enough air in the room for my lungs. But the mention of Lavinia has me seeing red. If my father was standing in front of me, my hands would be covered in his blood.
“Be very careful what you say about my wife. I won’t fucking tolerate a word against her, and I don’t give a single fuck that you’re my father. You’ll never speak a word against her.”
I disconnect the call, and my hands are shaking so badly, the phone drops to the floor. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to draw air into my lungs.
“Roman, you good?” I think it’s Kai. I open an eye to confirm and yup, he’s standing next to me, worry lining his brows. I give him a thumbs up.
“Never been better,” I grind out through clenched teeth.
He looks doubtful. I can hear the guys behind him. They’re probably getting ready to leave.
“You need a minute?” Kai nods his head towards the nearest door. It’s the medical room and Kai leaves the light off. There are windows that let in enough light for me to see him.
“Try to think of something good,” Kai says, with this easy confidence that has me doing exactly what he asks of me. “It usually helps me when I feel like the world is resting on my shoulders and I’m being pressed down into the ground.”
Think of something good. That’s easy. Lavinia.
Lavinia’s smile. The way her hair is the craziest when she wakes up.
The way she looked on the back of my bike.
Her kindness and gentle spirit. Her resilience.
The way she never wants to let me win. The way she looked spread out on my couch. Sleeping next to me.
“Better?” Kai asks.
I realize that my breaths are coming a lot easier, and I nod, raking a hand through my hair.
“Thank you,” I say.
“You’re welcome.”
I’m suddenly exhausted and all I want to do is go back to the hotel room and call Lavinia. I’m sure the sound of her voice will chase away any remaining darkness.
“Do you feel this way a lot?” Kai asks. “I’m only asking so I can help in the future if you need me to.”
I rub my hands on my shorts, opening and closing them. There’s still a slight shake to them and I shove them into my pockets. To say I’m surprised by Kai’s offer will be an understatement. It’s completely unexpected.
“Why do you want to help me?”
Kai eyes me curiously, tilting his head to the side. “You’re not really as bad as we think you are.”
I huff out a laugh. “I’m not a people person.”
“You’re nice to Lavinia,” he points out.
“Lavinia is… She’s Lavinia.” I shrug because I can’t explain my obsession with her without sounding crazy.
Kai tilts his head, assessing me carefully. “You really like her, don’t you? This isn’t a whim you’re sticking with.”
Something in me wants to shy away from this question.
Not because I don’t like Lavinia. To be perfectly honest, it’s probably more than like at this point.
I’m hesitating because I’m not lying when I say Lavinia is the only person I’ve ever been open with.
Every other time I’ve tried, I’ve been rejected, most especially with my parents.
I don’t want to be that person anymore. Telling myself that I’m better off alone has left me alone. If I’m going to change things with the Titans, I need to be more open.
“I do like her,” I say. “Since we were kids. Lavinia is the only woman I’ve ever wanted. I’m not going to tell you more before I’ve even told her.”
Kai laughs lightly. “If you’re like this more often, the guys might actually like you.”
“Kai, no, you never want to change to have someone like you. It’s not worth it.”
We can’t spend the whole day in the medical room. The team is waiting on the other side of that door, and we have a game to play tonight. I have to go out there and pretend that everything is fine.
“Thank you for helping me,” I say, shifting uncomfortably.
“Any time,” he offers. The strange thing is, I think he means it.
I move around him, patting his shoulder on my way to the door.
I should’ve remembered how codependent these guys are because the team’s right outside, waiting for us.
Drew and Ford stand in front of the guys, arms crossed, looking like bouncers at a club I’m not invited to.
Their eyes bounce back and forth between us.
“You okay?” Drew asks, his eyes looking behind me.
“Of course. Roman and I were talking.” Kai steps out of the room and shrugs casually, as if he didn’t drop a bomb on the team. It’s almost comical the way their eyebrows spike up.
“Talking?” Ford asks.
“Yep.”
“What about?” Ford’s eyes narrow to slits.
“Personal stuff,” Kai says.
“What?” Reese pushes his way to the front.
He’s still shirtless, which seems to be how he spends ninety percent of the time.
It’s like forty degrees outside, and even with the heat on, there’s a chill here.
Or maybe that’s the ice I’m picking up from the team.
“What do you mean you were talking about personal stuff with Roman? What am I, roadkill?”
Kai throws an arm around Reese’s shoulders. “Aw, Reese, just because I talk to Roman doesn’t mean I love you any less.”
Reese chuffs a laugh, wrapping his arms around Kai. “I knew nothing could come between us.”
“Seriously, what the hell were you guys talking about?” Holden asks.
“Relationship stuff,” I say, which isn’t a lie.
“With Lavinia?” Drew asks, his gaze sharpening on me.
“No, Lavinia is fine and very happy,” I say defensively. Do I have to get used to them assuming something is wrong with Lavinia’s and my relationship? Lavinia keeps telling me I need to open up and let them in, which is easier said than done.
He only grunts in response and if I’m understanding Drew, this is almost good. It means he thinks I’m as important as background furniture, which is exactly where I want to be when it comes to my wife’s brother.
“This yours?” He holds out my phone. I didn’t pick it up after I dropped it and honestly, I hesitate to take it back from him now.
I hadn’t meant to tell my father about Lavinia. Even though I didn’t mention her name, he’s going to find out eventually, I’m sure of that. But I couldn’t stand the way he spoke about Lavinia.
“Yeah, thanks.” I reach for my phone. The slight tremor to my hand is unmistakable and Drew raises an eyebrow. I take the phone from his hand and slip it into my pocket.
“Are we ready to go back to the hotel?” Drew asks.
We all agree and make our way back to the gym to grab our bags. I lose myself in their sounds, reminding myself that my team values me. They may not like me, but I do have a place among them when we’re on the ice, and it’s not because I’m Asher Maddox’s son.
“Roman, you coming?” Kai is waiting by the door and when I focus on him, he tilts his head towards the hallway.
I nod and shoulder my gym bag, making my way out of the gym. I don’t need a fucking documentary to tell people I’m good at hockey and that I deserve to be on this team. I’ll prove it on the ice, to my teammates and to everyone else.