Chapter Forty-Five
“Void - A feeling or state of emptiness, loneliness, or loss.”
Dex
I couldn’t say there was no color here because everything was black and black was the presence of all color.
Yet, for a color that should be so full, it was maddeningly empty.
It was almost as if there were too many colors and they all drowned one another out until there was nothing… nothing but darkness.
I felt as if I were Alice in Wonderland and I’d fallen down a rabbit hole, falling still. There was no bottom to this place. There was no beginning either. I was just falling endlessly.
I didn’t know which way was up or which way was down.
There probably was no direction here, because I wasn’t going anywhere.
I knew I wasn’t alone, but I saw no one, yet I heard them.
Tortured wails, distorted moans came out of the darkness and pummeled me.
It sent me spiraling, spinning in all directions.
I felt as if I were being pulled apart, but still I stayed together.
There was no end to the constant noise. I tried to call out to them to stop, but I had no voice. I had no mouth. No one would see me, no one would hear me, but I would be here.
Forever floating.
I tried to call upon a memory, a thought to keep me sane. Something to hold on to. Something to envision.
But they were all out of reach. I had no memories. I had no thoughts. All I had were the screams, the echoes of anguish, and the constant feeling of nothing.
I began to envy those cries in the dark. Because at least they had something. They had a way to show their pain. They, too, knew something had been taken away from them. They mourned for the things they couldn’t remember. They mourned for the emptiness that encompassed us.
I didn’t even have that.
All I had was the taunting, fleeting knowledge that I’d lost everything and gained nothing.
I did have a second to wonder when it would end.
But then I realized it would not.
* * *
I woke with a shuddering breath, the kind that pulls you up off of what you’re lying on. And for me, that would be the kitchen floor. I steadied myself, bracing my palms on the cold tile and took another deep breath.
Feelings and sensations rushed over me. It was almost overwhelming. I sat there for I don’t know how long trying to make sense of them all. Trying to sort out everything.
When I tried to think about what happened, all I got was this empty blackness that seemed to open up inside my chest and try to pull me in. I jumped up onto my feet, trying to get away from whatever it was that wanted to claim me.
“Ah, you’re back,” called a voice from the living room.
I spun and walked toward the couch where G.R. was lying on his back, his hands across his abdomen and his eyes closed. He was so bony he looked like a corpse.
“What happened?” I asked, my voice low and scratchy like I hadn’t spoken in days.
“I gave you a taste of what it was like to be recalled,” Grim said, opening his eyes to stare at me. “How was it?”
Panic seized my chest and I gripped the back of the couch. “Please don’t send me back there.” I begged. It was a place far worse than hell.
G.R. threw his legs over the side of the couch and sat up. “I see my message was received.”
“Your message?” I said, confused. The empty void of that place was still swirling through my mind, making it very hard to think.
He stood and looked at me. “That the Target will be eliminated.”
Piper. Death. Job.
“Right,” I said, drawing in a shaking breath. “I’ll do the job. I swear.” Anything to avoid going back there.
“I trust that you will. You’re time has dwindled. Finish the job.”
I looked toward the window. It was dark.
“How long was I… was I gone?” I asked, trying desperately not to think of that place.
“Several days,” G.R. said, stepping away from the couch.
“Days?” I asked, shocked.
“Yes, now I really must be going. I have other Escorts and deaths to attend to.”
I stood there in shock as he seemed to create a doorway out of thin air and step through. Then it closed behind him, leaving me alone.
I suddenly had a very strong aversion to being alone.
There was a noise behind me and I turned to see Hobbs coming down the stairs. I’d never been so happy to see the butler in all my life.
“Hobbs,” I said, the relief clear in my voice.
“What has happened? Who was that man?” he asked, leaning more heavily on his cane than I’d ever seen before.
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” I said, staring at the spot where Grim had disappeared.
“I am very good at the unbelievable,” Hobbs replied.
I shook my head and swayed a little on my feet.
“How long’s it been since you have eaten?” Hobbs asked, going into the kitchen. “You look horribly drained.”
I was drained. Every single thing inside me was completely emptied and then replaced. All to prove a point.
I sank onto a stool at the island.
Hobbs picked up the pot and smelled the black liquid that looked more like mud. “Um, sir. How long has this been here?”
“I have no idea, Hobbs,” I said. “Probably days.”
He made a noise and then began moving around the kitchen. I barely paid attention to anything he was doing. I kept slipping back into that world of nothing. The next time I looked down there was a steaming cup of coffee, practically white with creamer.
I picked it up and drank about half in one great gulp.
“I would apologize for being gone longer than expected, but it seems you haven’t noticed,” Hobbs said, refilling my cup.
“It’s been a strange few days,” I muttered, drinking more. I noticed the sound of sizzling bacon and the smell of scrambled eggs. My stomach growled loudly.
“Does this have anything to do with the dilemma we discussed before?”
“Something like that,” I said, running a hand through my hair.
“Maybe it’s time you explain everything to me.”
“I can’t.”
“Maybe I can help you,” he said, setting a full plate in front of me. For the first time ever, the bacon wasn’t appealing.
“No one can help me,” I said.
“I don’t believe that.”
“Believe what you want,” I muttered, shoving a bite of eggs in my mouth. It didn’t taste as good as usual, but I ate it anyway because my stomach felt like it might consume itself.
Hobbs said nothing else and I continued to eat in silence, trying not to think of where I’d been. Grim made his point. Being recalled was the worst thing I could ever imagine. Actually, it was worse than anything I ever imagined.
I couldn’t go back there.
“I have to finish the job,” I said to myself.
“What job?” Hobbs asked.
I stood, my chair clattering to the floor. “I have something I have to do.”
“Wait!” Hobbs called behind me. “What is it?”
“I have to do it,” I told him.
I grabbed my keys and went out the garage door.
“There is always a choice,” Hobbs yelled after me.
He didn’t understand. He didn’t know what it was like there… floating for days. If he did, he would understand. I couldn’t go back there. I wouldn’t.
This time I had no choice.