chapter SEVEN
Walking back to the hotel, I can’t stop wondering what went wrong. One minute I was driving, enjoying the view and the next—
Ooof.
“Excuse me,” I say as I carelessly walk into a woman. My overanalyzing is getting the best of me.
I step back, giving her room to pass through the lobby doors of the hotel. Looking down I notice a gorgeous pair of Prada shoes with a heel elevated off the ground four inches higher than my flip flops.
The Prada heels aren’t moving so I look up.
In front of me is a tall woman with hair dark as a crow’s wearing an oversized hat and large round sunglasses hiding, what I presume from her exposed features, is a glamorous face.
The dark lenses of the glass are facing me, looking directly at me, so I stare back at them, only seeing my confused expression in the reflection.
Since she has no desire to move, I bow my body down and shrug past her through the entrance. She is still standing there as I make my way through the lobby and out the opposite doors toward my suite.
Closing the door to the hotel room, I am immediately bombarded by sixty-four inches of blonde excitement.
“Details!” Leah exclaims, leaping across the room, the stray hairs from her messy bun falling around her face.
She’s wearing a red bikini and the air smells of sunscreen and cherry lip balm.
She must have just gotten back because her skin is still damp from the pool.
“I want to know everything. Where did you go? Did he flirt with you? Did he take his shirt off? It was hot. Please tell me he took his shirt off. You’ve been gone for a really long time.
I’m hoping you have a major story to tell.
You didn’t get all weird on him, did you? ”
Before I even think about answering a single question, I have a major bone to pick with her. “You ditched me!”
Leah holds up a finger in defense. “I did you a favor.”
“How so?”
“You don’t think it’s a total coincidence the hot guy you ran into yesterday is the one who showed up to take us on a boat tour?”
I move around her and over to the wardrobe. “I think he was doing what his boss told him to do.”
Leah spins around to face me. “He has eyes for you, and can we please talk about how freaking sexy he is? I mean, he’s a total McConaughey. Like, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days McConaughey. Not Dallas Buyers Club. That was not his finest hour.”
I take a T-shirt out and slam the closet door. “He was playing an AIDS patient, Leah. I don’t think he was going for buff and brawny.”
She follows me into the bathroom where I go to change out of my damp tank top. “Speaking of Brawny, did our boy today have the ‘Strength to get things done’?” She uses air quotes when referencing the paper towel slogan.
Where do I begin when it comes to my day with Asher? It started off all right. I mean, I didn’t want to be there, and I didn’t want to sit next to him, and I didn’t want to talk. Okay, so I was a complete bitch.
But then it was all right. He made me feel comfortable and he was easy to talk to.
There was that moment when he said he wanted to get to know me, and my entire world stopped for just a second, until I flaked on him.
For the life of me, I cannot imagine why he wanted to keep the tour going.
Not that he was any good as a tour guide. Actually, he sucked.
Something changed in me today. My fear of speed for one.
Six months ago I thought I’d never get into a moving vehicle again.
I overcame that fear out of necessity, only allowing the driver to go a safe speed, dictated by me.
Today, I was racing across the ocean with no protection other than Asher’s steel grasp.
I shouldn’t be surprised. My fear is new, and I was probably going to let it go sooner or later. I’m sure it’s no big deal.
What is a big deal was how Asher treated me when we returned. He was dismissive and cold. It was as if he hadn’t had his arm wrapped around me. Nice to know I made as big an impression on him as he did on me.
Not.
“It was boring. We drove in circles for a few hours and he didn’t speak to me at all.”
Leah follows me into the bedroom. Her hands fall to her hips as she chews on her lip. She looks like she’s been deflated. “Oh, well, that sucks. I’m sorry you had to spend the day like that.”
I let my hair out of my ponytail and shake out the tightness of it. I’m wrapping it back up in a messy bun when I see that look in Leah’s eyes.
“It’s fine. I’m not gonna get all sad because I had a crap tour,” I say taking a seat on the bed. She looks up at me, trying to decide if I’m lying. “Besides, it was pretty nice to be able to look at a hot guy for a few hours.” I throw in a smile for good measure.
Leah relaxes and nods her head. “He was totally hot. Did he take off the sunglasses? What color are his eyes?”
“They’re like a warm honey.” I clamp my mouth shut as soon as the words come.
Leah’s face lights up in a magnanimous smile. She is just about to squeal something but is interrupted by the chime of her iPad.
We both look down at the device, which is perched on the end table next to us. Our mom’s face lights up the screen and the word PAM flashes at the top. Leah enjoys referring to Mom by her first name.
I make a face at the thought of having to talk to her, but Leah lifts the iPad and swipes on the screen anyway. “Hi, Pam!”
“Hello, sweetie. How are my girls doing?” Mom’s voice echoes from the speaker. She and Leah are on FaceTime but Leah has the screen faced in her direction.
I’m surprised mom isn’t calling in a panic because her daughters are stranded in Italy. Using a series of eyestrain and head tilts, I ask Leah if Mom knows what happened yesterday. She gives me a slight shake “No” and goes back to talking to the screen.
“We’re good. In fact, we’re having the time of our lives.
We went on a boat tour yesterday and today we spent some time by the water getting some sun.
” Leah continues to go on and on about the hotel we’re staying in and the gorgeous pool she sat by today.
I have to give the girl credit, she doesn’t lie once.
Bend the truth? Sure.
Lie? Absolutely not.
Mom and Leah have a lively conversation. Every once in a while, Leah gets carried away in her conversation, and Mom makes comments like, “You’re so fresh” and “Behave.”
The two of them have a comfortable relationship. They can get silly with each other. Actually, that’s just Leah. It’s in her nature to draw you in and make you feel as comfortable as possible.
“How’s Emma? Is she there with you?” Mom asks.
I shake my head dramatically but Leah’s flashes a huge smile and says, “She’s right here.”
I pinch my lips together, scowling at Leah but my face quickly turns into a polite smile when the screen is turned in my direction.
Mom is sitting there wearing a T-shirt with an orange calico cat on it that says, “Every life should have 9 cats.” She must be getting ready to go out in the garden.
“Hi, Mom.”
“Hi, baby. How are you feeling?” she asks, her voice turning down an octave from when she was talking to Leah.
I run my nails along my neck and scratch down the sides. “I’m good. Just as Leah said, having a great time.”
Mom moves closer to the screen as if she can see me better if she rests her retinas against the glass. “Leah said you went out to a club. Did you have fun?”
“I did.”
“You’re getting out and seeing the sites?”
“We are.”
“Are you eating?” Her eyes skim my face.
“I am.” Leah’s staring at me from the other side of the screen. She doesn’t understand how I can answer in two-word answers. She is the world’s biggest chatterbox.
“Is it beautiful?” Mom asks and I find myself smiling out of natural instinct.
Capri is the most magnificent place. We’ve only been here for three days, yet I can commit to memory every sparkle of the sun on the copper landscape and every crash of a wave against the granite rock.
It is as if I were meant to be here. I just feels right.
“More so than I’ll ever be able to describe.”
Mom’s eyes crinkle as her cheeks rise up.
“That’s good to hear, baby.” She shifts in her seat and then leans forward again.
“I’m glad you’re together. It’s your brother’s birthday soon.
He’d be so happy you two are in such a beautiful place.
” Mom’s eyes tear up at the mention of Luke, and I have to turn my head to the side and take in a deep breath.
Luke.
We don’t talk about Luke. At least, I don’t. What is there to say? If it wasn’t for me and my stupid relationship and my stupid desire to get out, then he would still be here.
I can’t stand to see the sadness in my mom’s eyes, nor can I handle her seeing me break down. I turn the iPad away and point it back toward Leah whose mouth is wide open. Her face is giving me a what-the-fuck expression.
Rising from the bed, I leave Leah to talk to my mom while I head out of the room. I open the sliding door, step out on the portico and walk through it to the grassy area looking over the Marina Grande.
The sun is still out but the sky is taking an orange-ish color, as the sun is in the early stages of its decent. Plopping down on the grass, I pull my legs in to my chest and rest my chin on my knees.
I am so far away from home. So far away from the troubles that leave me feeling broken and afraid. It doesn’t matter how far away you are from your problems, they live with you, deep inside your soul. You cannot escape.
My throat heaves out, and I bellow from deep inside my gut.
I know I am a bitch. No one needs to explain it to me.
My poor mother lost a son and instead of thinking about how sad she must be that her baby boy’s birthday is in two days and he isn’t here to see it, I am so caught up in my own selfish head.
I can’t comfort her, because I don’t even know how to process it all.
Luke was my baby as well. I was only four years old when Mom and Dad brought him home, but I remember it vividly. He was wearing a soft blue layette with white ruffle trim.
The first time they placed Luke in my arms I was nervous. He was so small and delicate. The adults kept on chanting things like “Watch his head” and “Hold on tight.” He had light red hair and these dark eyes like mine and Mom’s. When they looked up at me for the first time I was in love.
When Luke was old enough to sleep in his own bed he would go in properly at night, just as Mom and Dad told him to.
But every night, like clockwork, he would crawl into my bed when the adults were asleep.
He said he was afraid of the dark, but I think he just wanted to be close to me.
When they found us snuggled together in the morning they never said a word.
When Mom started driving me to Pittsburgh for music lessons, Luke would come for the ride.
He had to endure four hours in a car and more hanging with my mom in a lobby, waiting for me to finish my lesson.
Leah kicked and screamed when she had to go, so Mom made arrangements for her to stay with a friend on those days.
Luke was different. He came because it was important to Mom and me.
I went to college two hours away from home at the time Luke started high school.
My formative years were much different from his.
I was a music geek who spent my free time playing the violin.
Luke lived the life. He was on the varsity football team and held keg parties in the woods.
I looked forward to our weekly phone calls during which he described every escapade of the week.
Sometimes he asked advice about problems with girls or a fight with a friend.
I tried to give him solid advice and I’d like to think he took it.
The last year and a half, we spoke less as he partied it up at Ohio State, and I settled into my career. Still, once a week we were on the phone. The bond was still there and still strong.
I can’t talk to my mom about Luke, because I am still trying to figure out how such an awful thing happened.
I raise my head and wipe away the tears that are soaking my face. Leah comes around to look at me. As soon as she sees my red, splotchy face, she falls to her knees.
“Oh, my God, Emma. Are you okay?” She holds her hand out to me and puts it on my back, rubbing up and down in comfort.
When my palms are full of moisture, I use the backs of my hands to continue wiping my face.
“I’m fine. I . . . I’m just not ready. Okay?” I look up at Leah, who is nodding.
“Sure. We don’t have to go there right now. I just—” She moves her hand in broader circles on my back and takes a seat next to me. “I thought you were doing better. You are doing better. You know that, right?”
I sniffle and try to breathe while I pull myself together. “I know I am. I just can’t talk about him yet.”
Leah pulls me into her side and rests her head on top of mine.
She breathes out a sigh and sits with me, looking out onto the world in front of us.
“We all lost Luke. We are all grieving. You are not alone in this,” she says.
If I were her, I’d hate me. “You went through a lot, Emma. You lost your music and your brother in one night. We are all giving you time to heal. But at some point, you’re going to have to let someone in. ”
I turn and face her. Leah was a mess at Luke’s funeral. She cried and grieved like everyone else. Even though she was sad, she did manage to give an awesome eulogy. She told funny stories and reminded people about the incredible life he lived. Luke would have loved it.
Looking at Leah now, I see a woman who is concerned for the well-being of her sister. I don’t want her looking at me like that.
“Was Adam able to send us money?” I ask.
Leah lets go of my back and brushes her hands on her knees. She knows how to take a hint. “Yeah. He did. And the passports arrived today. As promised.” She rises and holds out her hand. “Why don’t you and I go out and have a really expensive dinner and drink our weight in wine?”
I get up from my spot. “I’ll settle on a reasonably priced prix fixe dinner and a glass of wine. I think I lost enough of our money this week. No need to go for broke.”
Leah turns to head into the room. “Killjoy,” she says, but then turns toward me and walks backward. “But I get to pick out our clothes.”
I agree and that seems to bring Leah back into her natural state: absolutely crazy.