Chapter 22
Chapter Twenty-Two
Boone
I turn off my car.
I open the door to climb out but stop to reach back into the console to grab my phone.
Jaxi didn’t answer any of my calls on the way here. I know she was okay a couple of hours ago because Mom was here. But why is she not answering now?
An unread text message pops on the screen as I shut the door.
Danny: I got my schedule mixed up. I apologize. However, I dropped off a couple of brochures with Jaxi. She’s going to come by the office tomorrow to sign some papers. Glad I could help you out.
My feet stumble, and I stop walking. A sinking feeling fills my stomach.
Me: She’s signing papers for what?
Danny: An apartment. I thought Anjelica said it was an apartment complex so I came prepared to discuss that. You probably thought I was crazy asking to meet with you over an apartment rental.
I look up at the house. Oh, fuck.
My phone buzzes with another text. I squeeze it in my hands as I jog toward the house.
Bouncing up the steps three at a time, I try to rationalize why Jaxi would be signing papers for an apartment.
It makes no sense.
None.
My stomach churns as I open the door, threatening to spill the contents of my lunch onto the tile.
“Jaxi!” I shout. My voice echoes. “Are you here?”
I peek in the kitchen.
No luck.
“Jaxi!” I shout again.
My heart pounds as I walk down the hallway and into our room.
She’s sitting on the bed, her hands in her lap, staring at the door.
At me.
Her eyes are dry but red and puffy. The lashes that slay me are clumped together.
A chill runs down my spine as I take her in.
What the fuck happened here today?
“Are you okay?” I ask slowly. “Because I feel like I missed something huge.”
She nods. I think she tries to speak, but the words get stuck in her throat.
“Baby, what’s wrong?” I walk to the bed and sit beside her. “Talk to me, Jax.”
She stares at the doorway. It’s a refusal to look at me. A slight sigh escapes her lips, but other than that, she doesn’t move.
My brain screams at me to take action—to do something. To shake her, kiss her, scream at her. To do anything that will stop the volatility burning inside me.
“I need you to talk,” I say. “Is it Rosie? Isn’t she with Mom?”
She nods. “Rosie is fine.”
Her voice is weak. Pained. But also utterly controlled.
“Then what’s not fine?” I ask.
“I don’t want this to be awkward,” she says.
“It’s too late for that.”
She licks her lips. “I was thinking today that it’s probably the best for Rosie if she and I get our own place for a while.”
“No.”
My quick and immediate answer takes her by surprise.
Her eyes go wide, and finally, she looks at me. “What?”
“You are not moving out of here.”
Her brows pull together.
“Why on earth would you think it would be a good idea?” I ask, trying to keep the frustration out of my tone. “Danny called me. He told me that you’re signing papers for an apartment tomorrow.”
Despite my best efforts not to be, I’m pissed.
She forces a swallow but stands her ground.
“I am,” she says.
It feels like a challenge. It sure as hell sounds like one too.
I spring to my feet, the mattress bouncing with the change in weight. I pace the room and try to wrap my head around what is going on.
“How could you do this and not ask me?” I face her with my arms out to the sides. “Did you ever stop and think that you should ask me what I want?”
She stands too. “I’m giving you what you want.”
I chuckle angrily. “You think moving out of here and taking Rosie with you is giving me what I want?”
“Yes. I do.” Her tone hardens to match mine. “I think you’re entirely too nice to ask me for what you want.”
What? What is she talking about?
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I ask. “What do you think I want?”
Her gaze sinks into mine. It’s cool and borderline icy, but I can still see my Jaxi in there—the warm and generous woman I know. Who has obviously been burned and is clearly scarred.
“You’re not going to lay this on me and then not talk to me about it,” I warn her. “That’s not how this gets played.”
“I’m not playing.”
I snort. “I’m glad because I sure as fuck am not.”
She blows out a breath and walks to the other side of the room. It’s as though she knows that the space between us hurts more than anything.
“What caused this?” I ask. “What caused you to lose your mind and think I want you to leave?”
“You did, Boone. And it’s fine. I’m grateful to you and always will be for helping me through this—”
“You …” I say, pointing a finger at her, “are too fucking much.”
She whips around. The feistiness in her eyes melts into a pool of watery golds.
My lungs strain to bring in any oxygen. My chest threatens to crack open and bleed right in front of her. I want them here. With me. I don’t want them to leave.
Maybe ever.
She nods, causing the bun on top of her head to wobble.
Her lip quivers. “I am too much,” she says in almost a whisper. “I know that.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
“It’s true either way. I am a lot. I know that. And it’s not fair what I’ve done to you.”
My shoulders fall. “Please explain because I didn’t know you did anything to me.”
She looks shamed. Guilted. The way she looks at me with those big eyes full of unshed tears makes me think that maybe she did something to be sorry for.
“What did you do?” I ask. “Did something happen?”
She laughs, but the sound is muted, like her mouth is full of cotton.
“Jaxi?”
“Like usual, I tried my best but seem to screw it all up.”
“What did you screw up?” I ask, my voice rising.
“This. Me. You. Rosie, if I don’t watch it.” Tears stream down her face. “I wanted this to work with you. I wanted it to so badly. But every day when I wake up in this house, I feel like Cinderella just waiting on everything to change back.”
She paces around the room.
“This isn’t real, Boone.”
“The hell it’s not.”
She laughs in a sad, hollow way. “It’s too good to be real.
It’s … It’s an apparition, a trick of the mind.
And even if it is real,” she says, cutting off the objection on the tip of my tongue, “it’s going to end.
This is going to get more complicated. Do you know what I talked to Rosie about today? ”
I shake my head.
“I had to explain to her why she has her last name, and I have another,” she says.
“So adopt her.”
“I’m going to.” She lifts her chin. “I’m going to give her the stability I never had.”
“Which is what you should do. What we should do.”
She smiles sadly. “If you want to be in her life, that’s fine. I won’t forbid you from seeing her. I’m not cruel. But …”
My jaw tenses. I brace myself for an impact that I don’t feel ready for.
“But what?” I ask.
“But I don’t think you’re ready to handle Rosie and me long-term.”
I tug at my hair. The roots pull from the shafts. The pain feels like a relief in comparison to what’s going on inside my body.
“You are out of your mind,” I tell her, fuming. “You don’t trust me?”
“It’s not that.”
“Oh, yes, it is. That’s exactly what this is. You think I’m going to go all Shawn or whatever the fuck’s name was who made you feel unworthy. So you don’t just think—you expect that to happen with me.” I narrow my eyes. “Thanks.”
She doesn’t move a muscle. “Boone—”
“Has it occurred to you that you trusted me more when I was an absolute stranger standing across from you in the kitchen?” I raise my brows.
“You got in my car and let me take you to the police station, and you’d spent no time with me prior.
I could’ve been a legit nutjob, and you trusted me. But you won’t trust me now?”
The words hang in the air between us. I’m not sure which of us they hurt the worst.
She wipes her cheeks and her eyes because the tears are back again. I clench my jaw so I don’t lose my control.
My family has always had so few expectations from me. I’m the fun guy at dinner. I show up when needed. I sit in meetings and go through the motions and surprise everyone on occasion with something brilliant. But contribute? Even though I’ve shown I can, they’re still surprised when I do.
And now, when I step up in the biggest way possible, even Jaxi, who barely knows me, thinks I’m incompetent.
Untrustworthy.
“I don’t know why I expected you to believe in me,” I tell her. “But I did. I thought out of all the people in the world, you were different.”
“I do believe in you.”
“Not from where I’m standing.” I gulp a breath of air to help steady me.
“I thought today was different, you know? Wade was actually nice to me and let me take the lead. We used my game plan. And we got a contract on a piece of property that could end up being one of, if not the biggest, deal in our company’s history, and it was my thing.
” I take another deep breath. “And I wanted to come home and tell you.”
She reaches for me, but this time, it’s me who pulls away.
“No one expects anything out of me,” I say. “I’m the goof. I’m the playboy. I’m the one who no one depends on. I thought it was different between us, and I really fucking loved it.”
She uses the end of her shirt to try to dry her face, but it’s futile. The tears come faster than she can catch them.
It breaks my heart. It tears me up inside. Adrenaline pushes through my veins and keeps me going enough that I don’t pass out.
“I’m just trying to do what you want,” she says, her voice muffled through her shirt. “I realized what your plan was today that you were talking about when Danny showed up, and I thought it would be easier than if you tried to pussyfoot around it.”
“To pussyfoot around what? Danny was here to show us—”
I thought Anjelica said it was an apartment complex, so I came prepared to discuss that. You probably thought I was crazy asking to meet with you over an apartment rental.
And Jaxi is going to sign a lease tomorrow so she can move out.
She thinks I sent Danny over here to subtly convince her to leave.
Shit. Shit, shit, shit.
I knew that about her the first day I met her. It’s something I had to work around every day. She’s always waiting for things to go bad and holds a piece of herself back just in case she needs to run.
And she’s running.
“I …” I open my mouth to tell her that Danny was coming over so that I could buy the entire complex, not an apartment. That I wanted her to see if she liked managing the apartments, not living in them.
But I don’t. I don’t tell her that.
If I did, it would fix things. At least for now. But the problem isn’t this misunderstanding.
The problem is that she has wounds and scars and fears that run so deep from years of abuse and neglect. She can’t turn it off. She can’t ignore the bells going off in her head because she didn’t put them there. It’s a survival mechanism when it’s all boiled down.
I could try to love her through it. I could try to be the man I think she wants and needs. But can I do it? I can’t even go to the office every day for a week and stay all eight hours.
My shoulders fall as the reality of the situation slams into me, breaking my heart.
Jaxi needs more—more than I can give her. Even if I try.
So, even if I clarify this and explain what happened, it won’t matter in the end. We’ll be right back here over something else, and I’ll be scrambling to be something that I’m ultimately just not.
My energy slips away, my will to fight gone. My ego and pride are wounded, and I know, without a doubt, that I’ll never match the past few weeks that I spent with her and Rosie.
“When do you sign your lease?” I ask.
“Tomorrow.”
I nod. “Stay here until then.”
“Boone, no.”
I take her in for the last time. The beauty of her eyes, the slight slope of her shoulder. The mole on the inside of her elbow that she presses her thumb against when she’s nervous. The way her lips plump when she’s crying and how she stands with her toes slightly pointed toward each other.
“I’ll stay with my brothers. It’s easier.”
I close my eyes and pray that when I open them, something is different. But she’s still standing in front of me with a stream of tears and a look on her face that tells me that nothing has changed.
“I love you, Jaxi. I always will.”
Her lips part, and my heart skips a beat.
But she doesn’t speak.
And neither do I.
There’s nothing left to say, nothing I can do.
I gave her everything I have.
I don’t know why I’m surprised that it wasn’t enough.