Chapter 4
Rex
Ten Years Ago
I tap my fingers against the tailgate of my truck.
Sitting just off the main road, waiting for Gwen, my anxiety slightly heightens as I watch a car approach and then speed past. The radio plays through the night, coming from the cab of my truck, and I push off the tailgate and pace a little, wondering what the hell I am doing waiting for her when I could have any girl I wanted.
Because no girl has ever made me feel like she does. Alive, special, worth it.
My dad left town earlier this week for another one of his “business trips.” My mother wasted no time getting gussied up and hitting the town.
In most families, it’s the guy that cheats.
At least, that is what the whole damn world wants you to think.
I’m not sure if my father has been entirely faithful, but I know my mother wastes no time satisfying her itch for another man every time he leaves.
It’s the main reason I figure to hell with women and never let any get too close.
I won’t be a pawn like my old man.
With my father gone and my mother somewhere across town at the nearest bar, I fully intended to take Gwen back to my house to do things to her I had been dreaming about for the past year since I noticed her.
I even half attempted asking her to meet me there.
That is, until I chickened out, knowing she was different, that whatever I felt between us was different, and I couldn’t just use her like that.
I may be fucking terrified to turn out like my parents, but I could never intentionally hurt someone I fucking cared about. And that’s what scares me. I honestly care about her even though I know nothing about her.
This shit is new territory for me. She makes me want to open up.
Worse, she makes me crave her touch. Which is why I’m starting to think I need to hurry up and shut this shit down.
Maybe it is not too late to ditch her. Jump in my truck and say fuck it.
If I am already thinking this about her this way, spending time with her is not the damn cure.
Yet, here I stand, waiting for a girl I fear will be the end of me because, damn it - I can’t help but want her.
Maybe I am more like my old man than I think.
A car drives up the road and slows before pulling behind my truck. Gwen sits behind the wheel. Her hair is pulled back, and she’s wearing her jersey, having just come from practice.
My nerves get the best of me. I look toward the ground and wonder what the hell I am supposed to do now. Now that I got her here and succeeded in getting us alone, what next? The plan seemed smart as hell. Too bad I didn’t think about after I executed it.
As she exits her car, I realize I have no idea where to take this or what to say and do that won’t make me sound like an absolute idiot.
“Hey,” her pretty smile greets me as she strides timidly forward. “Have you been waiting long?”
I shove my hands in my pockets and walk a few steps to close the distance between us. “Not too long. How was practice?”
She rolls her eyes and grabs her right shoulder. “Good, but I think I hurt myself throwing all those balls into home plate. The coach is making us work on our outfield defense. Throwing in from right field repeatedly didn’t feel good on an already damaged rotator cuff. How was conditioning?”
I shrug, not caring to dive too much into weightlifting for Lincoln High’s next football season. “Good,” changing the subject, I add, “but my night is a lot better now that you’re here.”
What the hell was that?
A stupid as shit pickup line, that’s what.
She blushes and looks at her feet. Meanwhile, I inwardly kick myself for giving away too much of how I feel.
If I don’t stop this shit now, it’s just a matter of time before I end up like my father.
Always out of town on business with two kids and a wife at home to support.
A wife who screws every man who walks by her.
Sure, she may need more attention than my dad can give but he works hard supporting her and us kids.
I will never let that happen. I won’t be a damn pushover.
But instead of running away from Gwen like every damn cell in my body is telling me to, I grab her hand and tug her after me.
Pausing briefly to turn off my truck, she asks me where we are going, but I give her a mischievous smile instead of answering as I shut the door to the cab and start to walk down the gravel road to our right.
“I can’t stay long,” she says, and something in my heart begins to hurt.
No doubt she needs to get home to take care of her sister. I don’t know much about her home situation, but I do know her twin sister, Belle, has not been at school in over six months. From what my best friend Michael tells me, it’s not good. She has cancer. A brain tumor that is unoperational.
“Where are we going?” she asks again as she hurries along beside me.
I stop and turn to meet her stare. “I just felt like taking a walk.” I shrug nervously.
The thought of a night away from the lights and all the bullshit behind us seems necessary.
I look up and see the city against the setting sun, and it makes me want to run.
Take off and never look back. Hell, my parents wouldn’t miss me.
My father is never home, and my mom sleeps somewhere else most nights.
All I have back home is my younger brother Trevor, and he’s annoying as shit.
Looking back Gwen’s way, I figure maybe she could use a little escape as well.
“Care to walk with me, Gwen?” she looks past me, contemplating it. My nerves get the better of me, and I start to ramble. “The sun is about to set. Thought we could watch it from just up ahead.”
She looks down at our hands laced together, and I grab hold a little tighter, letting her know I have no intention of dropping her hand anytime soon. She smiles, “Sure, Rex. I’ll take a walk with you.”
We stroll down the road for a minute in silence. She looks over at me more than once, and I hold her stare. She blushes and looks down at the gravel road crunching below our feet. Before I can stop myself, I pull her closer and notice a chill on her skin.
“Are you cold?” I ask, stopping and shaking out of my sweater. I drape it over her arms and pull her towards me to zip it up. When the zipper reaches the top, I pause. Her eyes meet mine. I swear she thinks I’m going to kiss her.
Fuck, I want to kiss her.
My hands tremble just thinking about it.
But shit, I am too scared. So I let the moment pass like a fucking idiot.
“Thanks,” she whispers.
I swallow hard, and notice my mouth has gone dry. I nod once, pick back up her hand, and continue our walk.
This could be different. She could be different. Not all women up and cheat when a man leaves her alone, right?
I look at Gwen and question everything I ever knew about the opposite sex. She’s quickly pulling me in, and I can’t help but surrender. She has me thinking of taking a chance. Something I never thought I would do.
When we get to the end of the road, there is a huge rock overlooking a valley where the sun has just begun to dip below the horizon.
Gwen sits on the rock without a word, and I am quick to join her.
We stare off into the distance, silent, and it all feels so natural, too familiar.
Even though it scares me, I hold on to the feeling and will it not to pass.
“Hey, what are you thinking over there?” she asks as she playfully nudges my shoulder.
I shrug, not sure how much I want to open up.
Honestly, just sitting here with her is making all the bullshit in my head finally quiet.
Out here with her, I can forget the pain I feel at home not knowing when my father is coming back, or if mom is really leaving this time for good.
I don’t have to think about if I should tell them I made captain for my senior year in football, or ask if my straight A’s make them happy enough to come home and actually be parents. Be a family.
I glance over into Gwen’s eyes and see sadness lurking just behind her smile.
“I’ll share if you do,” I whisper, dodging the question and throwing the ball back in her court.
Her eyes fill with fear. She looks down, a little nervous. I do the same, and notice as she wrings her hands with worry. Something comes over me, and I instinctively grab her hands, quickly taking them in my lap. She holds on tight and leans against me.
“Or don’t,” I whisper, “To be honest, I’m happy just to sit here with you, Gwen.”
And there it is. The damn truth I can’t escape. The honesty about the way she makes me feel. The overwhelming need growing inside to take a chance. A chance at what? Getting fucked over like my father? No thanks.
But then she holds my hand tight like she’s afraid to let go, and if I’m being honest, I’m scared to let her go as well.
I am not sure how much time passes before I hear her try to hide a sniffle. I look over at her and notice tears streaming down her face. Looking back up at the view, I wonder what I should do next.
Should I ignore it?
Should I be freaked out?
Maybe this was a bad idea after all.
She might have too much baggage.
And shit, I know my home life is weighing me down, too. But as I sit and listen to her sniffles quicken, all I want to do is fucking hold her.
So, without thinking, I let myself do just that.
I wrap my arm around her, and am surprised when she turns to me and buries her head into my shirt.
Her sobs are strong but eventually soften, and I slowly run my hand up and down her back.
When she is finally quiet, I sit with her held against my chest and realize for the first time I feel grounded.
Complete.
Like there is nowhere I need or want to run to because she is all that could ever matter most in the entire world.