Chapter 24
Gwen
Coming around the corner into the front room, I see Rex standing by the mantle.
His back faces me, his hands brace against the wood frame, and he hangs his head low.
I take a deep breath and will the fear inside to go away.
I don’t want to lose him, but we need to talk.
I need to tell him what I’ve been holding in all these years so we can finally move on.
So I can finally give myself to him completely if that is what is happening here.
So we can be a family this time around. Me. Rex. And the baby.
But the fact that he has something to tell me, too, scares the hell out of me. What could it be? Because I only have the courage to face my demons right now, not his.
I hold on to my lower stomach and take a few steps into the room.
The fear that I might lose this child swells up inside of me.
I know the doctor said I’m a few months at least, but I’ve heard horror stories of late-term miscarriages.
And I can’t live through something like that again.
Not alone. Not without Rex. The fear that I might lose them both a second time makes me stop breathing.
I tell myself to remain calm. Don’t assume things I don’t know the outcome of yet.
Forcing a deep breath, I approach Rex as he turns to look me in the eye.
We both go to speak at first, then laugh as the tension builds in the room.
Not knowing what the other is about to say is slowly killing both of us.
I silently pray my tears won’t fall. Not until he walks out the door.
Not until I can say all I need to say and hope there can still be an us afterward.
“You go first,” I whisper.
“Shit, I don’t know how to say this,” he says, making me even more nervous than I already was.
“First, let me start with… I know I am not good at telling you how I feel, Gwen. I know I suck at it. I know my words should make you feel special, and sometimes you think I don’t see it, but I notice when I hurt you.
Like when you walk in and think I’m flirting with someone else because my dumb ass lines should only be reserved for you.
But, honestly, there is no other woman for me but you. Believe me when I say that, please.”
I nod my head and wait. Rex blows out a deep breath, and something inside tells me I won’t like what I’m about to hear, but I stand tall and wait for it. Whatever it is.
“I promised I would tell you the truth about that night all those years ago when I was supposed to meet you by the train tracks, remember? The night Belle died.”
I shake my head in agreement as tears begin to fill my eyes. I wasn’t expecting this, and I’m not sure I can handle it now. I want to know the truth, but I can't hear it if it involves someone else. Not today. Not with all I have to say to him as well.
He starts to pace the room nervously, making me grow more anxious.
He blows out a deep breath, followed by a few stutters, trying to get his head straight.
Suddenly, he stops abruptly and stares me in the eyes.
Coming a few steps closer, he says, “Ok, here it goes.” Grabbing my arms, he holds me still.
His eyes question if I’m ready to hear what comes next. “I was there that night, Gwen.”
My brow furrows. I look at him, confused.
“You were there what night, Rex?”
“The night Belle died,” he whispers, and I swear my heart stops beating.
“I was at the station and got called out to the wreck. Everything happened so fast. I knew it was her the moment I saw the car off the side of the hill. I was out of that truck faster than anyone else on the team. I ran to the car, and - God, it was a fucking bloody mess.” I stare at him with wide eyes, trying to wrap my head around all he’s telling me, but before I can, he continues, “I promise you when I say I did everything I could to save her, Gwen. Please believe me when I say that. She was so messed up and bleeding so badly. Shit, I still have nightmares about it where I almost save her, hear the screams, see the blood, and then it starts all over again.”
I shake my head. “Why are you telling me this?”
He drops his hands from my arms and backs away a few steps. “Because she told me her cancer was back.” My breathing stops. What did he just say? “She told me she didn’t mean to crash and wished she could take it back.”
I shake my head at him. “What do you mean ‘take it back?’”
“She crashed on purpose, Gwen,” he forces out, and my heart shatters into a million pieces.
“She said she couldn’t go home and face you all when you were so hopeful her last chemo had worked.
She said the doctor said it was useless.
That there were no more tries. She couldn’t face you all because she knew you’d be heartbroken, and she couldn’t force herself to live to see the look on your faces. ”
Taking a few steps back from him, I close my eyes and shake my head. “You’re wrong. Belle would never do that,” I insist.
“I swear, Gwen, I’m not lying,” he takes a step closer and I instinctively take one back.
My eyes flash open. A hurt look fills his eyes.
“Fuck, why would I lie about something like that? She made me promise not to tell you. Hell, your parents know. I talked to them about it after you disappeared that summer. They just never told you. They made me promise not to as well.”
“You’re lying,” I yell. “You’re lying! Belle wouldn’t do that. Not when….” my tears start to fall. My sobs cut me off. I stare at the man in front of me, the man I gave my heart to again, and silently curse the day I ever met him.
Then, quietly, I hear my sister’s voice in my head.
When you fall in love, you'd do anything for each other. Even if it’s not what you ever thought… because you love each other that much. You’d wait until the moment is right. And then, if you have to, you’d wait a little longer.
Rex wouldn't lie about this. Maybe he’s right. My parents did act weird about her death.
“There is more,” Rex says nervously.
I stare at him and wonder what he could have to say that’s worse than that. Because heaven help me, if I have to hear much more about the night my sister died and the events that followed, I won’t be able to stand it.
“She told me, Gwen,” Rex says in a whisper. I study him as he stares me deep in the eyes. “She told me,” he says, taking a step closer.
I don’t move. My feet couldn’t even if I screamed for them to. I stare at him and wonder what she could have told him. When he reaches for me, the trance I was in snaps, and I shake out of his grasp and take a few steps back.
“She told you what?” I demand.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he pleads. “What did you do? I would have helped you. I would have done whatever you wanted, whatever you needed, Gwen.”
I stare at him confused. “Helped me what, Rex? Because my head is spinning right now, and I’m not on the same damn page as you.”
“You didn’t have to get rid of it,” he whispers harshly, and it hits me.
“Shit, we were young, but I would have found a way.” I grab my stomach and instantly feel sick.
“I would have gotten a job, and forgotten about college. I would have begged my parents for money and set us up so you and our baby wouldn’t have to worry about a thing. Why did you not tell me?”
I’m fucking speechless. Not just about the fact he knew I was pregnant, but my sister’s cancer, too.
Also, the conviction from him that he thought I got an abortion.
It’s all too much to process. Fear gets the best of me.
Hatred fills my veins. Suddenly, I need him out.
I need him gone. I need him to leave me alone because I can’t process all of this and what I still have yet to tell him myself.
I start to cry, and he takes a step closer.
I hold up my hand, and he comes to an abrupt stop.
“Please, Gwen,” he begs with unshed tears.
“Don’t be mad. She only told me because she cared about you, and she knew how much I did, too.
I tried to find you that summer, but your parents wouldn’t tell me where you went.
I wanted to talk to you, hold you, keep you close to me, and keep us together. But you disappeared.”
“Please leave,” I demand, but he doesn’t budge.
“Why, Gwen? Why…”
“Leave Rex!”
“You sure that’s what you want?” he snaps. “You have a nasty habit of blocking me out when all this gets too real for you. What are you so afraid of?”
“Afraid,” I yell, taking a few steps forward and pushing him in the center of his chest. He steps back quickly.
“Afraid?” I yell. I push. He steps back.
“You’re the one afraid, Rex. Afraid of settling down with one woman.
” This time, when I push him, he doesn’t budge.
I hit him, right over his damned heart. He stands tall and lets me.
“Always playing the field. What am I afraid of? I’ll tell you, trusting you again when all you did was leave me.
Yeah, I walked away that summer. But not before you always walked away first. Why would I want to keep a baby that was yours when you couldn’t keep it in your pants long enough to only please one woman?
When you always run when we get too close? ”
His jaw ticks as he stares back at me. Hatred fills his eyes. My breaking heart worries I pushed this too far.
He takes a step back and studies me. The silence stretches.
I’ll be damned if I break. I may have been in the wrong, I may still have a heavy secret weighing on my heart that I haven't told him, but he knew about all of this for years and said nothing. Nothing! For that, I can’t force myself to come clean now.
“Well, that’s one way to put a man in his place.
” He stalks past me, grabs his keys off the counter, and heads quickly for the door.
I turn away, unable to watch him walk out of my life again.
“I’m only sorry about one thing. Trusting you.
Trusting us. It’s a mistake I won’t make again.
Excuse me while I show myself out. Have a nice life, Gwen. ”
The door slams behind him, and I startle.
I stare at the wall across the room for several minutes after he’s gone.
When I can’t hold them in any longer, tears stream down my face.
Alone in my living room, I fall to my knees.
I let it all out. I cry for my sister, the man I love who just walked away, and the baby inside me that deserves better.