Chapter 17 Jesse
JESSE
I could hear myself gasping, but somehow I couldn’t breathe.
She was walking away. The woman I loved was walking away from me.
‘Hestia,’ I yelled, the sound swallowed by the crowds, the PA system announcing the results of the roping and the upcoming bull riding. My voice was hoarse, breaking as I straightened up, roughly swiping at my face to wipe away the tears.
We had to talk. I had to make her understand, make her see that I wanted her, needed her, any fraction of her she was willing to give. I didn’t care if she didn’t feel whole right now, because I’d help her, support and love and give everything to her, until she realized just how incredible she was.
I half choked, half yelled her name again as I started to walk forward, her red hair still visible in a sea of denim, black and brown.
Determined, I’d buy a seat on the plane, fuck the cost, fuck everything else.
We’d talk until we could kiss again, until she could feel how right it was that I loved her .
. . and maybe, one day, when she was able, maybe she’d feel the same way.
‘Jesse, stop. Let her go.’
Cole’s voice arrived at the same time as his hand on my arm, bracing himself as I turned to him, shaking it off.
‘I can’t, just let me—’ I began, side-stepping him, cursing my chaps and the way they slowed me down, restricting my movement.
‘No,’ he reiterated, striding in front of me, blocking my path with his body, blocking my line of sight to her. ‘Just let her leave.’
‘Get outta the fucking way,’ I growled, knowing full well what this would mean if he didn’t move. ‘I need to talk to her, just let me—’
Some of the people around us had paused, seeing the two of us square up.
‘Jesse? Where’s –’ Clara barrelled into me, eyes wide, frowning at the way we’d positioned ourselves. ‘The fuck is going on?’
‘Hestia left,’ Cole murmured, his eyes still fixed on me, unblinking. ‘But Jesse wants to go after her, even though it’s not gonna end well.’
With every second I knew my chance of stopping her was fading. A huge surge of grief buried low was rising up and up, threatening to drown me.
‘Fuck this,’ I snapped, taking off my hat and throwing it down. ‘So help me, Cole, get the fuck out of my way before I lose my shit and end up doing something I’ll regret.’
I could hear Clara trying to talk me down, other voices in the background behind her, but all I could see were the tears streaming down Hestia’s face, feel the way she’d clung to me. My chest was cracking, rending everything inside. The pain was suffocating.
Oh God, Hestia, I need you.
Cole’s body was still, unyielding even as I stepped up to him and drew my arm back.
Just a flash of sadness in his eyes, as though he was willing to take whatever I was about to give because he knew, he understood.
Fuck him. Fuck this. Anger surged as I imagined her stepping into a cab even as we stood here, wasting time.
I clenched my fingers into a fist, preparing to launch myself into his impassive stance until .
. . another arm wrapped around my arm from behind.
‘Whoa there, Jesse! You lost your damn mind? The only thing you’ll end up with after punching Miller is a broken hand. C’mon now – Jesse!’
Cole’s eyes flicked to the voice behind as I closed mine for a moment.
I turned to see my buddy Jace and his brother, Jonah, all decked out for the competition just like me. Jace released my arm as I shook it off.
‘You okay?’ Jonah asked, glancing between me and Cole. ‘You want us to back you up—’
‘Oh for fuck’s sake,’ Clara suddenly declared, throwing herself into the middle.
‘Simmer the hell down, all of you. Jesse – running after Hestia right now isn’t gonna help, especially if she doesn’t want you to.
Cole is just trying to stop you getting hurt some more.
And you two –’ she pointed at the brothers – ‘need to mind your business and get the fuck back to the chutes. Now.’
I nodded as they looked back to me to check, tipping their hats with sheepish expressions towards Clara, who kept her eyes on them like a hawk as they left.
Finally clocking the small crowd that’d gathered round, I gritted my teeth and scooped my hat back up off the ground, catching sight of a familiar, long absent face among them.
Tristan Sinclair. As tall and imposing as his older brother and dad, and just as out of place – more at home in suits than jeans, his smart mouth and hard eyes making him a likely target for a post-rodeo brawl.
He caught my stare for a moment, then looked over to Cole, his expression blank.
‘What the hell is he doing here?’ Cole muttered under his breath, staring just as I had been, watching as Tristan turned and walked off, heading back over in the direction of the stands.
‘Thank fuck Lil’s not here,’ I replied, grateful for the distraction.
Cole nodded, his brow deeply furrowed as he glanced back at me.
‘Look, I’m sorry, I just . . .’
I shook my head, kicking at a couple of stones in the dirt.
‘I get it. I know what you’re trying to do,’ I murmured, unable to help looking towards the parking lot, as if by some miracle Hestia was going to come wandering back.
‘Go on and get outta here,’ Clara urged, holding out a hand to take my competitor number. ‘Ain’t no way you’re riding tonight. Hand it over and I’ll take it back to the office for you. Go get a drink or something, okay?’
The anger was fading as I clenched my jaw, knowing she was right and hating it all the same. Taking the number off and handing it to her, I could feel the pain seeping through me, as though the anger had kept it at bay and now . . . it really fucking hurt.
‘I’m sorry, Jesse,’ she said, holding my hand for a moment as she took my number. ‘Truly, I am.’
Not trusting myself to speak, I walked towards the car park, Cole walking with me, matching my silence.
Other than putting one foot in front of the other, I had no idea what to do next.
It was like someone had erased the path I’d been walking until now.
All colour had drained away; there was nothing left to say or do.
What I’d begun to see as my whole damn future was on her way to the airport and it seemed like there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.
‘I need to try,’ I said, stopping abruptly as we neared Cole’s truck. ‘Just one conversation – and if she doesn’t want to know, I’ll let her go. I fucking swear it. I just . . . I’ve got to try, Cole.’
I didn’t bother to shield the gut-wrenching ache that I know was showing in my face. His look in return was one of pity – empathy.
‘I just don’t think she’s going to—’
‘Imagine it was Lottie doing this,’ I cut him off, all but begging, taking off my hat and running my hand through my hair, pulling at it as though it would somehow ease the pain in the rest of my body. ‘Would you just let her go? When you know what she is to you?’
He paused, knowing exactly what he’d do – and exactly what he was preventing me from doing. Instead, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, tapping the screen twice until I heard ringing.
‘Hey,’ he said after a moment, then with a glance at me, ‘he’s not great. Look, you know her best. Do you think she might listen if Jesse goes after her, tries to persuade her to stay . . .?’
Nodding, he held the phone out between us, tapping the speaker icon.
‘Jesse?’
Lottie’s voice was strained but firm, Cole’s eyes on mine.
‘Yeah,’ I answered, sensing, deep down, where this was going to go.
‘Listen to me, okay? I love that woman – she’s a sister to me, more.
But believe me when I say that she needs to sort this out herself.
You can tell her until the end of time that she’s not this awful, undeserving person she seems to think she is, but she needs to see it for herself.
’ She stopped, her voice growing thin for a moment, Cole frowning in concern.
‘I think . . . no, I know, she feels more for you than she’s saying and that with some time apart she might just realize it. ’
Drawing a breath, I braced myself against the truck with one hand.
‘I love her, Lottie,’ I rasped, bowing my head to the floor, hating the pain in Cole’s face on my behalf. ‘I can’t let her walk away.’
‘And we love you, Jesse,’ she countered, her voice hardening.
‘This is the moment where we need to protect you, okay? If Hestia is going to fucking self-destruct, or see the truth, she needs to do it alone. I know you love her, but that’s exactly why you’ve got to let her get on that plane.
’ She drew in a sharp breath, as if steadying herself.
‘Believe me, it’s just as hard for me to say as it is for you to hear. ’
Cole finally took the phone back and off speaker phone, turning as he spoke to Lottie in low tones for a moment before hanging up.
Still leaning on the truck, I let her words sink in, hearing the sense in them. Hating it. Hating it as much as I loved Hestia.
‘Jesse.’
I turned to see Cole, resignation on his face and truck keys in hand, holding them out to me, waiting.
‘Just take the damn truck. I know Lottie’s making sense, but if that was her going to the airport, I’d fucking hate the guts of anyone trying to stop me. I don’t want that between us. So just call me if you need me, okay?’
Swallowing hard, I nodded, took the keys and jumped in.
Grateful that the whole town – and most of their cars – were inside the rodeo, I quickly wove my way out and onto the highway, pushing Cole’s truck hard.
But, in the quiet of the cab, Lottie’s words replayed on a loop. The longer I drove, the more they made sense, the feeling deep in my gut confirming that Hestia wasn’t going to let me in until she could stop hating on herself.
I could love and protect her as much as I wanted from the outside, but she was the only one who could really let me inside. And right now, she wasn’t ready.
As I thought it over and over, the truck slowed. I eased my foot on the gas as the airport came into view, imagining bursting in there and following her through, trying to persuade her to stay in a damn airport lounge . . .
It wouldn’t work. Lottie was right.
Barely coasting now, I forced myself to keep it together, rolling slowly into a space at the far end of the lot overlooking the runway.
That’s where, not more than an hour later, head in my hands and heart fucking numb, I watched her plane take off.