Chapter 19 Hestia #2
‘I love it,’ I said simply as Lil clapped her hands together.
‘I’ve done a couple myself, a few years ago.
People pay good money for that kind of thing,’ I added, thinking how well it would complement the ranch – how much more space there was to use alongside the horses and all the existing activities Lottie managed.
‘We’d need someone to help manage it,’ Lil said softly, catching my eye as I looked up. ‘You’ve got the kind of skill set we could justify a visa for, you know,’ she added, her eyes fixed on my reaction. ‘I’ve looked it up. Might take a little while to organize, but it’s all possible.’
I drew a breath, suddenly connecting dots. I hadn’t spoken to Lottie since coming back, but we’d messaged back and forth. The tenor of hers had been apologetic, full of love and promises to make things better, whatever that meant.
‘You’ve been speaking to Lottie, haven’t you?’ I surmised, studying Lil just as hard as she kept her face entirely neutral. Jamie’s expression told a different story, a sly smile hurriedly tucked away as he got up to get us more drinks.
‘I talk to my cousin, yes,’ she admitted, shrugging. ‘What of it?’
I sighed.
‘It’s not just about visas, Lil,’ I admitted, scuffing my boot against the worn floorboard. ‘I’m not sure . . . well, it’s complicated with Jesse—’
‘No, it’s not,’ she cut in, shaking her head, meeting my surprise with the same kindness in her eyes I’d seen a thousand times before in Lottie’s. ‘It’s simple. You don’t feel like you deserve Jesse, and you think he’s better off without you, right?’
I opened my mouth for a moment, but the simplicity of condensing all of those feelings into such a short statement somehow stopped me.
‘Look, I’m not saying there’s a hell of a lot more detail to it than that,’ she admitted, suddenly reaching out to me, taking my hand in hers.
‘But you’re wrong. I know I don’t know you that well, but can you please take it from someone that lost their soulmate – a real love, whatever you want to call it – because they believed the very same thing as you do? ’
I stilled at the sudden urgency in her voice. She gave a quick glance back towards the busy bar; Jamie was talking to the barman.
‘If that’s what you have with Jesse – and goddamn, Hestia, if you have something with that man, know it from the depth of my fucking heart, he is the best of all of us. Don’t throw it away. Not for anything. Because that kind of connection doesn’t come around often. Believe me.’
She leant back as Jamie returned, smiling as he placed the glasses down, giving me one last look of understanding.
I felt stunned, unable to brush off the depth of genuine feeling in her voice. I believed her, wholly; I wanted to know her story, and I was surprised Lottie had never mentioned anything about it. But then, Lil clearly kept it incredibly private, given how she’d just clammed right up.
We talked about everything and nothing for another hour or so, steering towards more neutral topics before eventually making arrangements to meet up for dinner in a few days’ time, on her last night in London.
I was feeling conflicted as we hugged goodbye. Lil shot me one last look as she headed off in the opposite direction with Jamie, her smile fading to something else, a reminder of her words.
I stewed on them as I walked, using them to distract from the visit I’d now have to make to the flat to collect more of my stuff.
My heart lurched as I saw message notifications on my phone, then hardened when I realized they were from Cal, not Jesse.
He was reassuring me he was alone and that we could talk, discuss the flat.
There was no way I could go back to living there, or keep paying the mortgage on top of rent for myself elsewhere. He was going to be difficult about it, I knew that too – and it would be an additional expense if I had to get lawyers involved.
Eventually, after letting myself into the front door and closing it very firmly behind me, I launched myself unwillingly up the stairs.
‘Hey,’ Cal said, appearing at the top, kettle in hand. ‘Want a coffee?’
I eyed him cautiously, determined to keep this interaction civil for the sake of getting my stuff out, and nodded.
‘Do you have any clothes left, Cal?’ I asked dryly as I reached the top of the stairs. He was back in the kitchen now, wearing only his boxer shorts. ‘I mean, it’s an improvement on last time but, you know.’
I didn’t wait for his response as I walked past him and on to my room at the very back, opening the door to .
. . everything I had left behind weeks and weeks ago.
It felt like a time capsule, dust motes spiralling in what little September sun filtered through the window.
I sat on my comfy seat next to it, wondering how I’d ever thought I could just come back to this life as though nothing had happened.
Footsteps sounded behind me and I turned to see Cal coming in, holding out a cup of black coffee. I nodded a thanks as I took it, waiting for him to leave, then stifling a groan as he perched on the edge of the bed instead.
‘I am sorry, Hes,’ he urged, turning one of the many silver rings on his fingers, something he always did when nervous. ‘Can we just start again? Like this is the first time you’ve come back in? I’ve tidied up in the other room, why don’t we—’
‘No,’ I blurted, softening at his expression. ‘Thanks. I just want to get some things together and go, okay?’ I chickened out of talking about putting the place up for sale, knowing it would give him the ammo to extend the conversation. ‘I’m busy – this was only a quick stop.’
He looked away for a moment, shoulders sagging. For a brief moment, I saw the man I’d met under all of the ink: the wide-eyed good-time guy who’d charmed his way into my life and become the centre of my world.
‘The studio’s being cleaned up in a couple of days,’ I added, meeting his gaze as he turned back. ‘Why don’t we meet after that and sort things out? I don’t want things to get . . . nasty or difficult. I just . . . I think it’s better if we divide things up and move on properly.’
He frowned, covering it with a nod.
‘Sounds like it’s all figured out,’ he said, standing. ‘I’ll leave you to it, then.’
Walking out, he closed the door softly behind him.
Sighing, refusing to take his bait and start a new, likely more explosive conversation, I put on my headphones instead. Climbing onto the chair, I reached up to take a small roll-on bag from the top of the wardrobe.
As my mind fell back on the task at hand, running through a mental checklist of items I knew I wanted, the music paused as my phone pinged.
I pulled it from my pocket as I opened the drawer in front of me, glancing down just as I scooped up a T-shirt I wanted.
Are you there?
I dropped the T-shirt in shock, my heart somersaulting.
Jesse.
Fuck.
Forcing myself to breathe, fingers beginning to tremble, I typed back.
Yes?
I tapped send, hand over my mouth as it sent, and moved back to the chair, sinking into it as his name appeared on the screen. He wanted to FaceTime.
Shit, shit, shit.
With a brief thought to how I looked, knowing I’d made enough of an effort to meet with Lil to be passable, I picked up, barely breathing.
In another second, he was there, sitting up against the headboard in his room. The shock of seeing his face, his kind, beautiful eyes wary, the torturous echo of his last words to me playing out, almost choked me.
‘Hey,’ he said gently, his brow furrowing as I immediately teared up, holding up a finger as I desperately tried to gather myself, mortified. I took my headphones off and switched over to my phone speaker, shaking my hair out.
‘Hi,’ I finally replied, trying a small smile as he glanced down, so clearly struggling himself that the urge to reach out and touch him was overwhelming. ‘Oh fuck, Jesse,’ I whispered, a sob rising already. ‘I miss you so much.’
He shook his head, pleading.
‘I miss you too,’ he breathed. ‘Are you all right?’
I tried to nod, wanting to reassure him, but it turned into a shake instead.
‘Hestia,’ he started, his eyes burning already. ‘I can’t do this. I can’t be without you, honey. I’m trying, I’m really fucking trying, but . . . I—’
‘I know,’ I agreed, all efforts at pretence dissolving. ‘I don’t think I can either.’
‘Wait . . . you don’t?’ he said, shifting himself, the phone wobbling for a second. ‘Does that mean . . .’
‘Oh fuck, I don’t know,’ I whispered, rubbing my forehead as I closed my eyes, the weight of the past week weighing them down. ‘I don’t know anything any more. But I know . . . I feel like I’m fucking dying without you.’
He looked away at that, returning his gaze a few seconds later, his eyes glassy.
‘Honey, I meant every word I said to you before you left,’ he said, his voice unbearably raw. ‘It wasn’t just something to make you stay.’
‘I know,’ I murmured, drinking him in, willing myself to remember every detail of his face.
That’s when he shifted again, a different kind of pain flitting through his features. A flash of white on his right arm appeared.
‘What’s that?’ I asked, curiosity turning to concern as he bit his lip.
‘Um . . . I, uh . . .’ He exhaled, as if steeling himself. ‘I just had a bit of fall last weekend, it’s nothing.’
‘Jesse,’ I said, strength returning as my anxiety rose. ‘Fall from what?’
He held my gaze, not flinching, eyes pinched as he finally held up his right arm, a cast on his wrist visible, his sleeve rolled back.
‘I rode at Sunday’s rodeo. It got a bit rough.’ He cleared his throat as I put my hand to my mouth. ‘But I still won – just. Decent money, too,’ he added. ‘The next round is even bigger and I’ve qualified now.’
‘This is my fault, isn’t it?’ I said, remembering the way he’d folded in on himself as I left. ‘I distracted you and fucked it up by leaving like that, and now—’
‘No, honey – Hestia, sweetheart, stop,’ he clarified, shaking his head. ‘I was fine, I managed to concentrate. I just messed up the landing, that’s all. He was a big, crazy fucker, twisting every which way. It’s why my score was so good.’
‘You’re the crazy fucker,’ I swore, holding my finger under my eye to dab at the gathering wetness there.
He exhaled, his mouth parting into a smile.
‘God, I want to touch you,’ he admitted. ‘I can’t stop thinking about you. It’s driving the rest of them fucking insane.’
I smiled back, watching how he focused on my lips for a moment.
‘So, how are we going to solve this, Jessica?’ he breathed, his use of my nickname sending fire through every part of my body.
I shook my head, a hundred different thoughts colliding at once.
But before I had the chance to voice any of them, the door swung open behind me and Cal walked in, in full sight of Jesse.
‘Thought you might want these,’ he said, his tone suddenly icy as he dropped scraps of black lace onto my bed, vaguely recognizable as my underwear.
Only I couldn’t focus on the underwear, because this time, he was entirely naked – what little coverage the boxers had provided, gone.
In horror, stunned into silence, I didn’t even flinch as he stepped over, kissing me square on the mouth before strolling out again.
‘Oh – say hi to your friend for me,’ he called.
There was a deep, sickening silence as Jesse’s expression hardened.
‘I’ve got to go,’ he said, moving himself to the side of the bed.
‘Jesse, that was not what it—’
‘Hestia, I . . .’ He stopped himself, swearing under his breath.
‘Please, Jesse, listen t—’
‘Bye, Hestia,’ he choked, the screen returning to black as he disconnected the call.
I remained still, squeezing my eyes shut.
The usual thought spiral began, the self-hatred shouting me down, pulling me into the rage that overtook everything, that told me to find Cal and kick off what would become either the end of him, or me, or both of us.
Because this time, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to stop.
Getting up slowly – abandoning my bag, my clothes, anything that once belonged to that Hestia – I walked out of the room, clutching my phone in one hand and my headphones in the other.
Cal was waiting in the doorway to the living room, an anticipation in his features that I knew better than my own face. All of it had been planned. He would take whatever opportunity he could to force me to where he wanted me.
But now, in the decimated remains of whatever we had been on the verge of rediscovering, I remembered the version of myself that Jesse knew.
That he loved.
That he’d protected and supported, held and cared for.
That Hestia wouldn’t reach for the kitchen knife on the side just there. She wouldn’t threaten Cal with it, maybe even throw it at him.
Holding onto that with everything I had, I approached him. He tensed, waiting.
The plastic of my headphones creaked under the force of the fist I’d created as I bared my teeth to him.
‘My lawyer will be in touch,’ I hissed, taking the first step down the stairs, gripping the handrail.
‘What?’ he scoffed as I started to walk down, forcing one step after another. ‘What the fuck for?’
‘For this place. For the business,’ I added, willing myself to the door, feeling the pull back to him, the rage begging to be unleashed.
He laughed.
‘What? No fight left in you? Did your big cowboy fuck it all out of you? Or should that be ex-cowboy? He hung up pretty fucking quick.’
I need you. I love you. I choked on the lump in my throat as Jesse’s words replayed.
‘Bye, Cal,’ I replied, registering the stunned silence behind me as I pulled open the front door. ‘I hope you get the help you need one day.’
I stepped outside and pulled the door shut behind me, forcing myself to breathe again as I sank down into a crouch against the brick wall.
Only Jesse’s words held me upright as I repeated them, over and over.