Chapter 21 Hestia
HESTIA
Much as I’d somehow managed to walk away from Cal without landing myself in jail as a result, I hadn’t managed to avoid one of the many bars on the way home.
I drank steadily through the afternoon and into the early hours, eventually letting one of the hot women working behind the last bar walk me back after her shift.
‘So . . . can I come up?’ she asked as we stopped outside the hotel doors, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear in a gesture so reminiscent of Jesse that I recoiled.
‘You’re really pretty, but . . . I mean, I don’t actually have a boyfriend, but . . .’ I shook my head, too confused to get the words out.
‘What?’ she questioned, backing up. ‘You’re straight? Seriously?’
I shook my head vehemently, staggering slightly.
‘No,’ I giggled. ‘My first love was a woman. God, she’s stunning. She’s my best friend now. I still love her, but not in that way.’
The woman raised her eyebrows for a moment.
‘Okaaay, no, that sounds . . . simple.’
‘No, really,’ I persuaded, ‘it is. She loves a man, a cowboy, actually. And so do I. Not the same one, though.’
‘You love a . . . cowboy?’ she questioned. ‘Here? In London?’
I giggled again, but it turned into a groan as a wave of nausea threatened to make this a violently embarrassing end to the evening.
‘No! In Wyoming. I don’t just love him, though, it’s more than that. It’s not about his dick, though. Although it’s a very, very nice one.’ I made the chef’s kiss sign, watching as she fully backed away, eyebrows raised.
‘Well, I’m happy for you. But maybe, if it doesn’t work out . . . look me up.’
I nodded, suddenly remembering, with searing clarity, the reason I’d got myself into this state in the first place. That Jesse very likely wanted nothing else to do with me again, after Cal’s stunt.
I’d messaged, tried to explain, but nothing. No response.
Which is why, after managing to crawl into bed, I didn’t leave my hotel room for the next forty-eight hours. The realization that Jesse would not only be in pain but might actually hate me was more than I could bear.
After a long, fitful sleep, I lay awake for hours on end, curled in on myself, my brain slowly ticking over the worst moments of my life to date.
The image in my mind of Jesse’s face on the screen, thinking he’d realized what was going on, then hanging up seconds later .
. . that had wormed its way right into the top spot.
My phone had been ringing on and off for the past two hours, on silent, but the screen lighting up the ceiling in the otherwise dark room. Eventually, irritation seeping through my comatose state, I dragged it onto the bed.
Lottie.
I tapped it to pick up.
‘Hestia?’ she said, her tone breathless. ‘Oh thank fuck, are you there?’
‘Yeah,’ I croaked, brain firing as the anxiety in her voice filtered through the haze.
‘Oh Hes, what happened with Jesse?’
I pushed myself up, pushing my tangled mass of hair back off my face.
‘I don’t know where to start . . .’ I groaned, my head throbbing. ‘I was speaking to him and . . . Cal, he acted like we were together – came walking into my room naked, pretending like I’d left underwear in his room, kissed me in front of Jesse . . .’
Her breath retracted, a horrified pause between us.
‘Oh, fuck. Yeah, okay, that’d do it . . . oh shit, Hes. Listen, please don’t hate me for asking, but you and Cal aren’t really . . .’
‘Jesus Christ, no,’ I moaned, wincing as pain lanced behind my eyes. ‘Why would you assume that? I’ve tried to message Jesse to explain. He’s not responding.’
I swore, grabbing the stagnant glass of water from the nightstand and knocking it back as Lottie scrambled.
‘I’m not assuming,’ she said eventually, her voice firm.
‘But I wanted to double check before I start trying to get Jesse back here. Come on, you know how you and Cal have a . . . different relationship. One minute you’re fighting and the next you’re fucking – I’m not blaming or judging you.
I just wanted to get it straight for myself, okay? ’
I rubbed my forehead, hating that I knew she was right, but focusing on what she’d said before.
‘What did you mean, get him back here? What’s going on?’
She stopped. I could hear Cole’s voice in the background, his words just out of reach.
‘Are you sure?’ she asked him, letting out a volley of curses when he apparently confirmed that he was. ‘He’s going to fucking hurt himself, Cole. I don’t like this.’
‘Lottie, please – tell me what’s going on?’ I asked, finally getting up and turning on the room light, grimacing at the brightness. A fluttering sensation had begun in my gut, a sense that something was off as the pitch of her voice changed. ‘You’re scaring me . . . Lottie?’
‘He’s . . . oh fuck. Cole says he’s getting ready to go up to the Livingston Peak rodeo a day early to practise.
He’s going with a bunch of the other guys and their crew .
. . but it’s the way he’s acting . . . like he doesn’t care.
It’s really fucking reckless, bad enough with his wrist as it is anyway, but . . .’
My heart was beginning to hammer.
‘Put Cole on, Lottie. I want to speak to him, please,’ I begged, gripping the phone as if it was my only lifeline.
‘Hey, Hestia,’ he said. Even in those two words, I heard it – an undercurrent of mistrust, of the same tenor as Lottie’s question.
‘Can you tell him not to go?’ I asked, remembering our last conversation about this on horseback, what felt like a million years ago.
‘I’ve tried,’ he replied, his own anxiety now audible.
‘I’ve never seen him like this, he’s not listening to reason.
I don’t know what else to do, other than hold him down on the fucking ground.
I don’t know, maybe the other guys will help, maybe a bit of time and space on the drive up will clear his head . . .’
‘But he can’t do it,’ I pleaded. ‘What if he does something really stupid? What if he’s not fucking focusing?
Oh shit, Cole,’ I begged, my voice giving way as I pictured what could happen, what’d happened to one of the riders at the first rodeo I’d seen, dragged out of the arena, limp and broken.
‘Go down there, please, I’m begging you.
I’ll try and call, but he didn’t answer my messages before . . . what if he doesn’t pick up?’
I could feel the hysteria building. I was thousands of miles away and almost entirely helpless. If I was the reason something happened to Jesse . . .
‘Okay . . . maybe that’ll work. I’ll see what I can do to make him pick up,’ he reassured me.
‘But Hestia . . .’ He paused, clearly trying to arrange his words carefully.
‘He’s fucking devastated right now. Now, I like you a lot, but he’s my brother.
I can’t let him get hurt all over again, you know? ’
‘I know,’ I whispered, the familiar surge of self-hate washing through me.
I fought it for a moment. ‘But Cole, I didn’t do anything with Cal.
He was trying to fuck me over and make Jesse jealous.
I fucking swear it on Lottie’s life.’ His breath caught for a moment, hesitating.
‘You know how much I love that woman,’ I added, shaking my head.
‘I wouldn’t lie about this, Cole. There’s no other way I can prove it, but nothing happened with Cal other than me ending everything between us.
We’ve always played this game . . . it’s fucked up and sad and awful.
’ I stopped, drawing a ragged breath, desperate to keep it together.
‘But I would never hurt Jesse like that. I haven’t said it in as many words to him yet, but I love him, Cole, like you love Lottie.
I love him so fucking much – I just don’t feel like I deserve him. ’
‘Oh, sweetheart,’ Lottie replied, her voice startling me as I felt tears building. ‘Cole put you on speaker. Don’t worry, it’s just us.’
‘I’m going down there now,’ Cole said. I could hear movement in the background. ‘Give me five minutes, Hestia, then try his phone, okay?’
I nodded to myself, more aware than ever of being alone.
‘I fucking knew it,’ Lottie croaked after a few more seconds, sniffing at her end of the line. ‘I knew you loved him.’
‘Smartass,’ I murmured, trying to smile. She almost laughed, but it turned quickly into a sigh.
‘It’s not going well, then, being home?’ she asked, keeping her voice low.
‘No,’ I said simply, getting up and walking into the bathroom, putting her on speaker as I attempted to sort my face out. Mascara smudged everywhere, hair sticking up at odd angles.
I briefly described the scene I’d walked into on day one, and then the state of the studio. Lottie listened in silence, with an occasional intake of breath at the particularly fucked-up moments.
‘Oh, Hes,’ she said after I’d finished. ‘That’s . . . a lot.’
‘Yeah. And now I’ve got to somehow extract Cal from the studio and get that going again. The years of building up our client base, the work to get it where it is – well, was.’
‘I know, I know. Look, are you sure –’ She broke off as I paused with the face wipes.
‘What?’ I asked, the same feeling of panic resurfacing.
‘He left,’ Cole growled, cursing with frustration in his voice as clear as if he was standing next to me. ‘I tried to talk to him but he wouldn’t have a bar of it. Said he was going into town to pick someone up, give them a ride up to Montana.’
There was a heavy silence on their side, a silent communication I wasn’t party to.
‘I’ll try him in his truck,’ I said, suddenly determined, knowing it was the only way to service the panic. ‘I’ll just keep fucking ringing until he picks up.’
‘Okay,’ Lottie agreed, an uneasy undertone to her answer. ‘Message me if and when you get through? You can call me any time, you know that?’
‘I know,’ I whispered. ‘Thanks.’
We hung up and I gritted my teeth, tapping on Jesse’s name despite the butterflies that launched as I did so.