Chapter 22 Hestia #2
So, with equal amounts of trepidation and excitement, I packed up my room at the hotel, trying not to focus on the hellish feelings that’d filled that space since I’d been there. Eventually, after triple-checking plug sockets and under the bed, I was checking out and climbing into an Uber.
We wound through streets I knew and gradually, through the evening traffic, pub- and party-goers on every pavement, we drove out into parts of the city I didn’t wholly recognize, interspersed with memories of moments here and there over the years.
I drank in every sight. London had been the first place to truly feel like home after the misery of my childhood and teenage years.
It was vast and anonymous in so many ways but had accepted me for what I was, given me a place to start. But Jackson . . . that felt different.
Finally, almost approaching midnight, the airport loomed ahead.
Just six hours until I could leave.
Just twenty-four hours until I might see Jesse again.
More butterflies erupting in my chest, I set about the process of waiting, trying desperately to focus on one thing then another, careful not to let my mind wander too far.
By the time we were finally boarding, then up in the air, I was ready to let the low drone of the engines pull me down into sleep.
Lottie’s messages were waiting for me when I arrived into Denver, telling me that she and Cole had been trying to get hold of Jesse; that she was willing to drive on up to Livingston Peak once she’d picked Lil up from the airport if I wanted her to.
I smiled to myself, glad that Lil and I had agreed to say nothing about our swap – just let my arrival be a surprise.
But once I’d answered Lottie, my body and brain now fully awake after a solid seven hours’ sleep, I could no longer ignore the thoughts that surrounded me; the ones that asked how the hell this would all work if Jesse and Chrissy were now back together.
How would I cope seeing them together at the ranch?
And would I be able to tattoo professionally on a work visa tied to the ranch?
At the back of my mind I was still turning over whether this would be a temporary trip or whether now, free of Cal and the studio, I could set myself up afresh in London. It was an option, I knew, but one that felt . . . empty.
Getting on the smaller plane to Jackson a couple of hours later, I noticed a couple of other passengers in cowboy hats, and reality began to hit.
Gently, reverently, I took mine out of my case, running over the details with my fingers and remembering the day Dee had given it to me at the Collective.
That’s where I could picture myself tattooing again – fresh designs, inspired by the endless landscape all around.
And as we flew into the Grand Teton National Park, descending among the jagged tips below, my old signature cherry blossom design began to morph into the small, amethyst-coloured wildflowers all around the ranch.
I could picture exactly the shading technique I’d use, the precise colour combinations.
Pulling out the notepad and pen I always carried, I spent the rest of the flight sketching and was surprised when we suddenly bumped down onto the runway, the mountain peaks now soaring above the plane.
I spotted Lottie in the terminal before she saw me.
She was still discernibly the Lottie I’d always known, more likely to choose pastel shades and simplicity over detail, but the western accents brought her to life – made sense of the untamed curls kept in check by her camel-coloured hat, city heels swapped for the stylish tan leather boots.
She just belonged here.
I wondered if – and hoped – I might be able to pull off my own version.
Approaching her from the side, knowing she was fixed on locating her cousin, I made an attempt at Lil’s lilting drawl.
‘Howdy, cowgirl.’
Head whipping towards me, confusion widening her eyes, she froze for a moment before squealing, running to catch me in a hug that almost send us both flying.
‘What the fuck? Oh my God! Is this really happening?’ she cried, laughing as our hats landed on the floor beside us. ‘Where’s Lil? Did she come too?’
I shook my head, still holding onto her. I’d never been more grateful to see someone I loved.
‘She gave me her flight – there was nothing else for another couple of days. Besides, I made myself pretty popular with her new man; he gets a couple more days of her.’
‘I can’t believe you’re here,’ she breathed, picking up my smaller bag as I grabbed my big roll-on case. ‘Does . . . anyone else know?’
I shook my head, updating her on the last conversation between Lil and Jesse as we walked out to Cole’s truck. Lottie’s brow pinched as I repeated his words, that he didn’t know what to think about me.
‘And don’t even get me fucking started on Chrissy,’ I spat as we climbed in.
‘Yeah, I’ve had the lowdown on her from Bailey,’ she replied, giving me a grim smile, holding up a finger as I was about to ask for all of it.
‘Listen, before we get going – we can either drive up to Livingston Peak tonight, but we won’t get there until late, especially as I’ll need to grab a few things to stay over.
Or, we can leave first thing, get there early and maybe stay over after the rodeo? ’
Her hopeful smile was more than I could let myself join in with; she was clearly imagining an outcome I hadn’t dared to hope for.
‘Let’s go first thing,’ I replied. ‘I don’t want you driving tired and I’m sure Cole doesn’t either.’
She nodded.
‘Although . . . have you moved back to your room since I left?’ I asked as we set off.
‘Actually, no,’ she said, the smile suddenly becoming a grin again. ‘I meant to tell you when we spoke last, but everything was a bit . . . you know.’ She paused, grimacing as I nodded my agreement. ‘I, um . . . well, I’ve moved into the cabin . . . with Cole.’
I squealed, grabbing her for a half hug and trying not to land us in a ditch as she laughed, just about keeping control of the truck.
We chatted happily for the rest of the way back. As we finally turned off the highway and up onto the Diamond Back road, driving under the ranch sign and winding up the steep track, I was overwhelmed by the feelings it brought back.
It had only been three weeks since I left, but so much had passed since then that it felt like a year. Except this time, I realized as we pulled in by the house next to Bailey’s truck – Jesse’s truck conspicuous by its absence – it was very different.
‘I’ll give you a minute to unpack stuff – then come see the cabin?’ Lottie clapped her hands, hugging me again. ‘I thought it would be ages, months and months, before I could show you that!’
I laughed as we hauled the big case up the front steps together.
‘Oh, and there’s someone else who’ll be glad to see you – other than Bailey and Cole, of course.’
I frowned, knowing she wouldn’t sound so light-hearted if Jesse was back here, by some miracle.
‘What? Who?’ I asked, suddenly wondering if by some chance Dee could be here.
‘Well, it was supposed to be a surprise for whenever you did visit next . . . and a way of holding onto you for a little longer, I suspect,’ she began as we made our way to my old room – her old room.
‘But Luci never did make it over to Rosie’s sanctuary.
Jesse called her up the day after you left, told her he was taking on Luci’s training instead. ’
I stared at her for a moment, not quite able to take it in.
‘He worked on her every day, breaking her in for you, right up until he headed off for the rodeo yesterday. Even with his wrist. Wanted you to have your own horse here, to keep a place for you, if you ever decided to come home – back.’
I perched on the side of the bed. Somehow, I was back in exactly the same place, and yet . . . not. I couldn’t help the tears that began to gather, and I gently shushed her concern as she took her place at my side.
‘I don’t know what I did to deserve it,’ I murmured, shaking my head at her small smile. ‘To deserve him.’
She kissed the side of my head.
‘It’s not about deserving him, or him you,’ she said, her clear eyes calm as they rested on mine.
‘That’s the thing about love, right? Real love, I mean.
It’s not conditional. It just . . . is. I know our relationship didn’t turn out as you wanted, way back in the beginning.
’ She smiled as I blinked back tears. ‘But you know how much I love you, right? No conditions attached, not because you “deserve” it or either of us owes the other anything.’
I nodded, her words confirming the feelings that had dawned since I’d been away.
‘You’re way too pretty for a Yoda type,’ I whispered back, bumping her knee with mine. ‘And I know because I feel the same.’ I paused, smiling as her wild curls cascaded over my shoulder as she leant on me. ‘You’re the reason I even know how that feels at all, Lots.’
It was her turn to well up, dabbing at the corners of her eyes.
‘Okay, okay, enough of the heavy shit,’ she said, exhaling. ‘Meet me at the barn in ten? We’ll say hi to Luci and then surprise Cole and Bailey.’
I nodded, closing my eyes briefly to the quiet as she left. There were so many memories in this room, in this bed, the bathroom . . . they were good memories, the best, only tinged with a little pain – right now. But after tomorrow, would I be able to bear being here?
Unpacking a little, I emerged into the corridor, reassured by the peaceful calm of the house. On impulse, rather than walking over to the front door to head to the barn, I carried on down the corridor and then headed up the stairs, hesitating as I reached the first room on the right.
I pushed the door open, immediately enveloped by everything Jesse. We hadn’t spent much time together in here, with my room offering a little more privacy, further away from the others, but this room was a small piece of him – his wonderful smell, details that could only be his.
Not wanting to violate his privacy, I just stood in the doorway, fighting tears, until I noticed a shirt hanging from the handle on his closet door. Stepping across the floor, I picked it up and, unable to help myself, held it to my face and breathed it in for a moment.
My feelings were like a sledgehammer in response. The chest-crushing emotions of leaving him at the rodeo, begging me not to go. The sheer scale of the love I’d begun to feel and that had grown since, blanketing my insides like the wildflowers in the valley meadows.
I’d spent my life alone, relying on no one else, not even Lottie – definitely not Cal. I’d allowed myself to see glimpses of love, lust, and whatever else had passed through me over the years. But nothing that had consumed me like this, that I had no control over.
Jesse and me . . . if we got it right, I could finally see how we could be so much better together than apart.
That to want and need another person didn’t make you weak or vulnerable.
There was so much strength in a relationship grounded in this kind of love – in holding each other’s vulnerability and keeping it safe.
Replacing the shirt reluctantly, I made my way out of the house, knowing there was only one thing left to do.
Work visas and everything else aside, Jesse had to know how I felt, how I really felt – all of it.
I would have to bare my soul to him and be ready to have it ripped apart if he didn’t feel the same; ultimately, it was up to him whether or not he could trust me again, love me again.