22. Chapter 22
twenty-two
Hangfire - Wind Walkers
Dimitri sat in the comfortable armchair, feeling like he might fall off the earth.
He stared out the huge floor-to-ceiling window.
His leg shook as he chewed on his bottom lip.
He could feel the walls closing in, though he could clearly see they were not.
Everything felt too bright and loud. He felt like an elastic pulled too taut and about to snap.
His brows furrowed, and he finally looked away from the window and down at the floor.
Kendra watched him through narrowed eyes. She jotted down a note before finally breaking the silence. “It’s interesting. Since Valentine’s Day, Jackie seems like a brand new person. Meanwhile, you seem to be feeling worse and worse.”
“What do you know about Valentine’s Day?” Dimitri turned his scowl on Kendra.
“Probably too much,” she admitted, chuckling. “But it’s no secret she seems to be getting back to her old self since around that day. It doesn’t explain why you seem to be deteriorating now, though.”
“I finally got her to take a break,” he said, deflecting the last part. “Not that I gave her much choice. I still have to coax her out of her office most nights, but she seems to be taking her need for rest more seriously.”
“That’s really good.” She nodded. “But we’re here to talk about you, Dimitri—what your needs are.
I warned you about caretaker burnout, and what I am observing is that while Jackie is improving, you’re getting worse.
Are you still feeling guilty about the situation?
Do you feel like our sessions are helping alleviate some of it? ”
“It has,” he answered, though he could tell his voice lacked conviction.
“Why don’t I believe you?” Kendra smiled.
They stared at each other. Dimitri’s stomach flip-flopped.
He hadn’t lied, but there was more to the guilt than he could share.
When he felt like Kendra was looking into his dark, leathered heart and could see what he was hiding there, he looked away.
Her smile shifted to a short, sharp chuckle.
“You and Jackie are perfect for each other. You’re both hard conflict-avoidants. ”
“Are you allowed to talk about Jackie like that? What does it even mean?”
“I’m toeing a line for sure. But most of what I’m saying can be easily observed outside of this room.
As for conflict avoidance, it means keeping the peace by deflecting from and avoiding issues.
And whatever you’re avoiding right now is turning you into a bucket of anxiety.
” She watched him, that hard, soul-shattering look he’d turned away from earlier.
He wouldn’t meet her gaze. “Is there something else we should be talking about?” she asked gently.
He turned to her then, unable to help the pleading look on his face. The words wanted to force their way out, but he pushed them back down. Finally, he looked away, shaking his head, and the tears threatened to fall.
She pulled herself to the edge of the chair, leaning forward to speak softly.
“Dimitri, this is a safe space. I know I just said I was toeing the line with Jackie, but I think we both have her best interests at heart, which is why I feel comfortable doing that. But whatever this is? You can tell me. Nothing you say will leave this room unless I’m concerned about your safety or someone else's. You can tell me anything.”
“No, I can’t.” He shook his head.
She watched him again as if she could decipher the puzzle somehow. “If this isn’t about the Talia situation, then… is there something going on with Jackie? Something that’s putting a strain on your relationship and causing this response?”
Dimitri didn’t answer. He felt nauseous. His eyes stung with tears he was sick of shedding. He shook his head and sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face. “Both those women deserve better than I’ve given them.”