Chapter 29
Chapter
Twenty-Nine
EREZ
Ileave Fade in the shower to finish cleaning up. If I stay in the shower, I have a feeling we’re going to keep groping and stroking throughout the morning. That’s not an awful way to spend the day, but I think we’re both trying to get back to normal.
Normal. Whatever that is.
Honestly, I’m not sure how I feel these days.
I’m a little numb. We found the meaning of the messages Alice left.
We disrupted the child-trafficking ring she’d been a prisoner in.
We’re still hunting Trumpstein himself. Shocking that he’s so fucking slippery, but here we are.
The scum of the Earth are often slippery.
We’re also hunting every single person who has ever visited Trumpstein’s operation. It’s a big task, and I’m sure it’ll take years. But the Van Dorens and my fathers are actively on it.
Maybe that’s why I feel so unsettled. We disrupted it, but Trumpstein is still out there.
That means he might be reorganizing. He’s been quiet on social media.
Every now and then he says something that we’re sure is in direct response to what we did, but he’s not scared. I hate that he’s not scared.
That means he’s gotten away with far too much shit without consequences over his eighty years. That needs to end.
Maybe I’m unsettled because I don’t know exactly who hurt my sister and where to find them. How will I know? Maybe I’ll feel better if I know at least one person who touched my sister is suffering right now. Ideally, I’d like them to suffer for the next twenty years. Is that too extreme?
I open Fade’s dresser drawers and poke around. I’m not sure what I’m looking for, but I don’t find anything I want to wear in the first two drawers, which is where most of my clothing is kept. The next drawer is cooler weather clothes—probably why I’ve never seen this long-sleeved shirt I hold up.
In the bottom drawer, I find a whole lot of clothing I’ve also never seen, but I bet it’s for a different reason.
There’s a pair of cute jocks right on top with a peek-a-boo cut-out over the dick area.
Smirking, I slip into them and admire myself in the mirror beside the dresser. Oh yeah, these are adorable.
I shuffle through the drawer, careful not to unfold anything as I disrupt the neat stacks.
A deep purple shirt catches my attention, so I pull it out.
The bodice is tight and short, likely only hugging the torso, but the neck is wide with a lot of loose fabric around the chest. It pleats into the tight waist.
It’s nothing I’d wear, but I bet Fade would look stunning in it.
“What do you…”
Fade’s voice trails off as he looks at what I’m holding. His eyes drop to the open dresser drawer, then the jock I’m wearing. Hmm. Is wearing your best friend’s underwear weird? They’re clean.
He licks his lips and slowly comes toward me. “What’re you… looking for?”
“I don’t know,” I answer as I closely study his face. “I guess I was a little tired of what I normally wear, so I was, admittedly, poking around in your drawers for something else.”
Fade licks his lips again and slowly reaches for the shirt I’m holding. He doesn’t answer as I let it go, then glances down at the open drawer again.
“I’ve never seen you wear anything in this drawer,” I say carefully. Gently. He looks a little spooked right now.
He sighs. “Sometimes, it’s easier to pick your battles. As a black man in a predominantly white city, I’m already judged for my appearance every day.”
Reminded how privileged I was growing up, I still. I don’t know that I’d think twice about wearing the shirt he held if it was something I was comfortable in.
Without really knowing what I’m doing, I step into his personal space and touch his cheek. His dark eyes meet mine, and I can see his vulnerability looking back at me.
“I think you should wear what makes you comfortable. Wear what makes you feel beautiful.”
He sighs, shoulders sagging. “That’s easier said than done.”
“I’ll protect you, Fade. My kill count is higher than yours.”
Fade snorts, head bowing. He shakes his head a little.
“We’re going to the cemetery then my brother’s apartment. Very little public interaction. I’m not trying to push you… Though I hear the words coming out of my mouth, and maybe I am pushing a little.”
“A little,” he agrees.
Gently, I force his eyes to mine then kiss him softly. “You’re allowed to be your authentic self. Don’t quiet yourself for someone else’s comfort, Fade.”
“That’s not why—”
“It is, even if you do it for different reasons. We live in a world that rewards hate. This country still hasn’t recovered from a president who verbally abused people who are different from his opinion of a normal way of life.
It’s easier to avoid confrontation when you’re not forcing people to live alongside something they’re uncomfortable with, but their comfort isn’t your responsibility. ”
Fade chews his lip as I talk to him. I’ll never understand the struggles he faces because of the color of his skin—I understand that—but I can stand beside him, offer him support, and loudly be his ally.
Which I will. Beside him is the only place I’m able to find happiness, and you best bet your privileged ass that I will defend my best friend, no matter the type of lesson it takes to correct someone’s behavior.
“You want me to wear this shirt?” Fade asks, eyes dropping to the purple shirt in his hand.
“Yes. I do. If it’ll give you more comfort, I’ll also wear something from your sexy drawer.”
He huffs. My finger gently rubs against his jaw.
“Okay,” he answers.
I kiss him again, letting our mouths linger together for several seconds before releasing him and taking a couple steps backward. “Can I wear your sexy little jock with the peek-a-boo?”
Fade grins, and I enjoy the appreciative examination he makes of me. “Yes. That’s hot. Later, I want to get you hard in them and see if your head pops out of the peek-a-boo.”
“Done.”
He pulls the shirt over his head, and I love the way it hugs his stomach.
It drops to the tops of his hipbones and wraps around him like it was made just for him.
The tight fit carries up to his ribs, then it becomes loose around his shoulders, dropping to give me an uninterrupted view of his collarbones and the sleek lines of his upper arms.
“Beautiful,” I say, honestly.
Fade crouches down and pulls out two more items. One, a lacy pair of underwear.
They’re brief style, but that light blue lace against his brown skin leaves me breathless.
Then he steps into a pair of shorts. They’re tight against his hips but loose like the shirt where they fall to his mid-thighs.
Had I not seen that they’re actually shorts, I’d have thought it was a skirt.
“Enby cat is peeking out,” I comment, pressing my finger to the hint of skin showing between the two pieces of fabric.
His bottom lip is between his teeth as he looks down.
“If you’re not comfortable—”
“I’ve been wanting to wear this since I bought it. I just haven’t been… brave enough, I guess.”
“I’ll lend you some courage.”
He meets my eyes and smiles. “Thanks.”
“Can I pick from your sexy drawer?”
“It’s not really a sexy drawer. Just clothes that aren’t seen as masculine.”
“Well, the two items I pulled out are sexy, so I’m going to keep calling it the sexy drawer.”
Fade chuckles. “Yes, wear what you want.”
I dig through, trying to keep everything neat, until I find a one-piece that isn’t exactly feminine but won’t be seen as masculine either. It’s cute though, so I climb into it then stand in front of the mirror. “This is nice.”
He nods. I can feel his nerves, so I take his hand and pull him beside me. “That’s not something you’d usually wear,” Fade says.
“Do you know why Voss and Myro and their brothers and uncles wear feminine clothes often?” I ask.
“You told me. They’re deconstructing gender norms and expectations.”
“Exactly. But do you know why they still dress that way even though their kids are now all grown?”
He thinks about it then shakes his head.
“Because of Envy, for one. But also because the school is there. Because they employ like a thousand people. They believe that the more people who understand their message and become desensitized to the world’s expectations on appearance, the further their reach will stretch.
It’s for their comfort. It’s easy to say that clothing has no gender yet refuse to wear a dress.
Jalon has made it clear that if they’re going to talk the talk, they’re also going to walk the walk. ”
“So you’re doing this for the same reason, then.”
“I am.” I shrug. “I used to wear dresses and shit. For three solid years, my nails were always painted. I’ve had braids in my hair and pedicures.
I’ve worn makeup. As a kid there, I think we all explored everything there is to wear until we found what we were most comfortable in.
If you notice, Emerson has shifted back to wearing skirts sometimes, not because he feels feminine but because he’s embracing the message that his family upholds.
My guess is someone in his department maybe said something about what they’d like to wear and don’t feel comfortable wearing.
Emerson is changing the environment, so they see that it’s okay. ”
“I love that.”
“Now I’m going to change your environment, so you see it’s okay.” I kiss his cheek. “You’re beautiful, and you’re allowed to feel beautiful in whatever you want to wear.”
“Thanks, Erez.”
“Let’s finish getting ready.” I squeeze his hand again, grab a pair of socks, and leave him in the bedroom to take his time. If he changes out of what he’s wearing, that’s alright. I’ll never push.
I stop in the kitchen and lean against the counter to pull the socks on before poking through the fridge for a quick late breakfast. I hope Fade doesn’t feel like I was lecturing him. It’s a little difficult not to get into lengthy explanations about whys and hows.
Since talking to Fade over the last couple months about my childhood and growing up with the Van Dorens, I’ve realized how passionate I am for the life I was surrounded by.
The unwavering support no matter how I wanted to express myself or what I wanted to play with.
Until recently, I’ve never had a reason to be more vocal about it.
The people I hire are like-minded. The clients we allow in our shop are as well.
I’ve surrounded myself with like-minded people.
Good people. I live in a bubble that’s wide enough that I don’t face public toxicity often.
It’s easy to forget that not everyone has that same benefit. It’s easier to forget what some people face all the time when you don’t see it or experience it yourself.
Fade joins me in the kitchen as I’m scrambling some eggs. I try not to smile too widely when I realize he’s still wearing the pretty two-piece. “Want to make some shakes?” I ask.
He nods without comment, and I listen to him move around behind me. The blender whirs to life as I’m serving the eggs onto two plates. I add sausage links to the air fryer then stand back to look at my effort.
I feel Fade’s body heat behind me a moment before his hands land on my hips. He rests his chin on my shoulder and circles my stomach with his arms.
“This is a lame breakfast,” I admit.
“It’s not at all.”
“It is. You can admit it. I don’t cook like you do.”
He chuckles quietly. His lips press softly to my neck, and I close my eyes with a content sigh. “Thank you.”
“For the lame breakfast?”
He smiles. “No. For being you. I’m used to people just looking at me and seeing what’s on the surface. They make judgments without knowing me. Without talking to me. You’ve never been that person. You’ve always seen me, and I can’t tell you how much that means to me.”
“You’re one of the best people I’ve ever met,” I assure him. “As corny as this is going to sound, anyone who can’t see the person you are is missing out. It’s their loss.”
“I agree but also feel like I don’t live up to that kind of worth.”
“Well…” I turn in his embrace and wrap my arms around his neck. His eyes meet mine, and he gives me a soft, almost shy smile. It’s rare that I see him shy. “You’re mistaken, then. You’re a kind, sweet, thoughtful person, and my life is better because you’re in it.”
Fade sighs, his smile stretching a bit. He rests his forehead against mine. “Yeah?”
“Yes. Maybe it’s too soon because I still feel restless, but I appreciate you sticking with me through the ugliness of the past few months. You’ve given me more strength than I would have ever had on my own.”
“I’m never going anywhere, Erez. If I have a choice, I’m going to stay with you until the end of my days.”
“Best friends for life,” I agree.
He sighs. “Yeah. Best friends for life, Erez.”
I kiss him then pull away. “If we don’t eat these mediocre eggs before they’re cold, you might change your mind about the ‘for life’ part because I can’t cook for shit.”
Fade laughs. I hand him a plate, and he hands me a glass filled with pink protein shake. Fruit-based today, I suppose. At least we’re getting in our fruit.
We sit at the counter, and I make my way through my breakfast. It’s okay. I mean, it’s not a five-star meal by any means. This wouldn’t win any accolades on a cooking show or anything.
Without comment, Fade washes the dishes and sets them in the drying rack.
“Want to stop at the coffee shop on the way to the cemetery?” he asks.
“You want to wash your mouth of that gross meal, don’t you?” I accuse, eyes narrowed.
He grins. “No. I think I need some sugar this morning.”
“You can’t lie to me, Fade.”
We climb into my car, and he kisses me wetly on my mouth. “You have many talents, but cooking isn’t one of them. I’m still hungry, and I need something… with a little more flavor.”
I huff. “Whatever.”
At least he’s laughing instead of being self-conscious about what he’s wearing. I’ll take that as a win and worth the insult to my cooking skills.
It’s not like he’s wrong.