Chapter 36
Chapter
Thirty-Six
FADE
Idig my heels into the bedding and my hands into the mattress as I fuck myself on Erez’s dick like a crab. His hands grip my ankles, his head thrown back as he moans loudly.
I came home to find him in these sexy little underwear that weren’t mine at all, and honestly, I just couldn’t look away. The next thing I knew, I was riding him. The underwear remain on, shoved down below his balls, but there all the same.
Not that I can see them. Not like that. I feel the lace against my ass cheeks as I slam myself down over and over.
Up until this point, I’ve been the one penetrating Erez. Not for any reason in particular except that’s the way we fell. I don’t love bottoming, but I don’t have any particular aversion to it. Now that I’m riding Erez though, I’m down for it more often.
“Fuck,” Erez grunts. “Fade, I’m going to blow.”
“That’s fine,” I gasp in return. “That doesn’t mean I’m going to stop riding you though.”
“Fuck,” he repeats, and his hips jerk up to meet my thrusts.
The slapping of our bodies is the loudest sound in the room, closely followed by Erez’s moans and my panting. Even the bed gets in on it as the headboard hits the wall every third or fourth thrust.
Erez loses his battle to keep his orgasm contained before I do, but as I promised, I don’t get off his dick. I ride him until I’m overcome with my own orgasm. I float for a moment as the world comes back into focus then let my arms give out to crash to the bed.
“Fuck,” Erez says for a third time. This time, the word is breathless and barely audible.
I grin. “You like that?”
“I can’t remember the last time I’ve been inside someone,” he says. “You could have been shit, and I wouldn’t have noticed.”
I gently kick him with my foot to his temple, and he laughs.
It takes me several minutes to find the strength to roll off him and wriggle and flop my way up the bed so I’m lying beside him. I’m still amusing apparently because Erez continues to laugh under his breath.
I trace my finger along the underwear before bringing them up and over his slick, softening dick. “Jesus, this is hot,” I murmur.
He grins. “Glad you like them.”
“Where did they come from? You didn’t find them in my drawer, did you?”
Erez shakes his head. “I bought them. Thought you’d enjoy them.”
My heart skips around, and I sigh. It’s time for a fucking talk. “Erez, I want to be with you.”
He nods, eyes remaining closed. Very obviously not catching my meaning.
I roll my eyes. “You’re so fucking oblivious,” I mutter.
This has him opening his eyes. His head turns slightly so we’re eye to eye. Proving my point, his brows are pinched together in confusion.
Huffing, I push myself up onto my elbow and kiss him hard.
He smiles against my mouth, returning my kiss.
“Listen to me, and for fuck’s sake, understand what I’m telling you.
I. Love. You. I want to be with you. Always.
I want to be your partner. Life partner.
Not business partner or criminal partner or whatever else.
I want to be in a romantic and physical relationship with you.
I want to marry you some day. I want to spend my life with you.
Please, for the love of all the fucking deities out there, tell me you understand what I’m saying. ”
Erez is a little amused at the different kinds of partners I don’t want to be, but his confusion remains. This time, I don’t think it’s because my message isn’t clear. I think he’s legitimately in disbelief of the words I’m saying.
“Say something,” I demand. “At least tell me you understand what I’m saying.”
“I understand, though I don’t know why you’re being so thorough on it.”
“Oh my god,” I gripe, looking deep within myself for patience.
“Because I’ve been taking you on dates for five fucking years, Erez, and you’re constantly telling me I’m a great best friend!
I’ve literally hit on you and told you point blank that I’m into you, and it’s gone completely over your head. ”
“Five years?” he says skeptically. “When have you taken me on a date?”
“You’re serious,” I deadpan.
Erez gives me a dubious nod.
“Do you think it’s common that best friends go on romantic rides through the desert to watch the sunset while they share a homemade picnic?”
He stares at me without responding.
“How about dinner and a movie—the most common cliché date out there? Walking along the beach under the moonlight? I even won you a stuffed animal at the fucking fair last year, Erez.”
Understanding slowly spreads across his face, and his lips part.
“Do I even need to talk about the last few months when you’ve practically lived here? We cook together, clean together, cuddle, fuck, shower together… Seriously, we’re living as boyfriends already, yet you’re still constantly making the best friend comment!”
“I—uh… I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
I laugh and let my head fall so my forehead rests against his.
“I know. Trust me, if I didn’t believe that you have been legitimately, truly ignorant of my feelings this entire time, I’d have given up a long time ago.
When I learned about Alice, I realized that maybe your oblivion is deeper than a simple himbo tattooist.”
Erez hits me, and I jerk, my laughter filling the room.
“I love you. I’ve loved you for years. Your turn. Tell me what you’re feeling. Not that I think I need to say this out loud, but there’s no right or wrong answer here. If you’re not into me, that’s cool.”
“Not into you,” he repeats, then shoves at me until I meet his eyes again. “I might be living in the dark most of the time, but I’m not sure how you could think I’m not into you.”
“Five. Years.”
He huffs and closes his eyes for a minute.
Silence settles around us, and I study his face.
“My brother’s right. I’ve lived a shell of a life since Alice died.
Completely closed off and dissociated from almost everyone and everything.
It’s easy for me to say that I’ve loved you for ages now that you’ve pointed out how stupidly blind I’ve been.
I recognize it. You’re everything, Fade.
I’ve been toying around the elephant in my head for months and never landed on the obvious. ”
I gently brush my finger over his jaw, trying to ignore that he snuck in I’ve loved you for ages as best I can.
“I’m sorry,” Erez says after another minute has passed. His eyes open, and he looks into mine. “I didn’t mean to make you wait so long for my affection.”
I sigh heavily. “You’re so dramatic.” Erez smiles, and I gently run my thumb along his lips. “I’ve always known you were struggling with something. That’s why I never gave up. You never gave me any indication that you were aware that I wanted to be with you and wanted to let me down easy.”
He shakes his head. “No. It’s because I’ve never moved on from Alice’s death. I’ve never allowed myself to heal.”
I press soft kisses along his cheek and jaw.
“Did I tell you I found her letter?” he asks.
I inhale sharply. “No. When? Where?”
He huffs in frustration. “In my room. Behind a framed picture of me and Alice. I found it the day of the meeting to apprehend Trumpstein.”
I remember that day well. It’s no wonder the letter didn’t come up. What we found at Trumpstein’s house was far worse than we anticipated going in. It wasn’t just a sick and deranged old man. He had a menagerie of little girls. Seven of them. Ages eight to fourteen.
The scenes our guys walked in on will be burned into my nightmares forever.
“The first line is How long did it take you to find this, Erez? She’s calling me out from the fucking grave.”
I chuckle. I have a feeling I’d have adored Alice.
“Can you reach my phone?” he asks.
I roll away and grab our phones from the nightstand. They look identical lying like that so I bring them both over and set them on Erez’s chest. He jerks, probably because of the cold metal. I grin at his grumble and lie beside him again, my body pressed to his.
Erez picks up his phone and taps through until he pulls up an image in his gallery. Then he hands me the phone. It takes me reading the very first line to realize I’m looking at Alice’s letter.
How long did it take you to find this, Erez?
I’m guessing a couple months. Five? Okay, eight at most, right? You were never good about seeing what I put right in front of you. Remember the quarter I stuck to your sketchbook that took you fourteen days to notice?
Anyway. I bet you have questions. You’ve always had questions, but you’ve always respected that I didn’t want to answer them.
That was one of my favorite things about you, you know.
You were there. Every day. You always made yourself available to me, even if I didn’t want to talk.
That never put you off, even when it frustrated others.
I want you to know that I love you. I love you more than I love anyone else.
You rescued me. You rescued me more than the single day you found me, but maybe you didn’t know that.
You protected me from the world and the nightmares.
You encouraged me to paint and read to me far after I learned how to read. You were my favorite part of every day.
I also want you to know that there’s nothing that you or anyone could have done to change this. You were a perfect family, and I couldn’t have asked for better.
What I could never say is that the ghosts from my childhood would never let me go. Sometimes, I’d get a reprieve and wouldn’t remember for a day or a week at a time, but then they’d come back in my nightmares, and it felt like I was there again.
Nothing I did was making them go away, and I’m tired, Erez. I’m tired of reliving it. It hurts, and I don’t know how to make it stop. I can’t tell you, but not because of you. I just can’t speak the words. Fear overcomes me, and they get stuck in my throat. I’m sorry.
But I left you some things so you’ll understand the riddles I’ve left (because I can’t bring myself to write the words any more than I can speak them).
Look behind my desk. The back panel is broken.
Look inside the dormer. Look in all your sketchbooks.
Look in that cereal box you refuse to throw away—Batman isn’t that cool!
So yeah. I love you. I’ll always love you. Thank you for making my world better. For making me laugh and smile. I hadn’t known how to do that. I love you. Don’t forget that.
Tell our brothers to stop fighting. They’re supposed to be friends. They’re supposed to love and support each other.
Tell our dads that I’m sorry it took me so long to trust them. It wasn’t their fault. They’re amazing dads, and I’m so glad I have so many memories with them.
Tell Mom that she’s the best mom anyone could ever ask for. The moment she wrapped me in her arms and cried for me, I just knew I was safe. I knew she loved me.
Now, have all of them tell you that I love you. I think you’re doubting that right now, and I need you to know that it’s true.
We’ll meet again, Erez. Goodbye for now.
Love,
Alice
P.S. I think my name was Tilly. Or maybe Tally. It’s a name that keeps being whispered in my head from some long-ago time. I didn’t remember when I agreed to Alice. I’m still not sure I’m remembering my name. Maybe it’s the name of a cat.
I barely make it through the first “I love you” before tears are blurring my vision. It takes me far longer than usual to read the whole thing.
“Wow,” I whisper. “She called you out.”
Erez laughs quietly. “She did. She was way off on how long it took me to find it, though.”
“What’s in the cereal box?” I ask. “And your sketchbooks?”
“I can’t find the cereal box. I don’t remember throwing it away, but it’s not where I last remember it being.
There are little drawings all over the margins of my sketchbooks.
Sometimes groupings of words, as if she were trying to spell it out.
It’s less graphic than her journals and art, but it’s also clearer in a way.
There are names. I’ll bring the sketchbooks to Lanzo to scan at some point, but I think we know the truth now. The names are most important.”
“You were right, though. She didn’t leave without a goodbye. Your gut was right,” I say gently.
“And it wasn’t an accident, like the police ruled it. We knew, but I’m relieved for the confirmation.”
I press a soft kiss to his jaw. “What do you need?”
Erez shakes his head. “Nothing. More than anything we’ve uncovered or accomplished over the past few months, I think this is the one thing I needed, which I’m sure everyone guessed. I feel more at peace.”
“You can let go of the hurt now.”
He nods. “Yep. I also think it’s better that we found what we found before her letter. Had it happened in the order she imagined it would, I think I would’ve been devastated. I don’t know why the order of events matters, but I truly feel like they do.”
For the next several minutes, I press soft kisses to his jaw.
We don’t speak. After a while, Erez rolls so he’s facing me.
“I love you too. I’m sorry I was completely dense for so long.
I want to be with you too. Romantically and sexually.
Not those other kinds of partners you were kind enough to define. ”
“I know you’re giving me a hard time, but seriously, Erez. Five fucking years of you being completely oblivious to everything I said or did. I’ve never been on so many dates with the same person while I’m the only one aware it’s a date! It’s weird as fuck.”
I laugh and wrap my arms around him.
“I was beginning to think I was permanently friendzoned,” I grumble.
“I’ll make it up to you.”
“Nah. This is the only outcome I ever hoped for.”
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