19. Rae
19
RAE
Now
A fter Hunter admonishes me for not arming our nine-year-old with an arsenal full of yo mama jokes, we hang up the phone, and I sit in Aaron’s home office staring at the wall, wondering how I’m supposed to go sleep beside the man I just had to chastise like a child on the drive home.
Never in my life have I seen Aaron be so selfish, petulant, and cheap . He ordered a two hundred dollar bottle of wine and guzzled it down all by himself, heedless of the fact that alcohol consumption can be a trigger for some recovering addicts, and then when the bill came, he disappeared from the table to take a phone call. Hunter swooped in, refusing to let me touch it.
When I promised to pay him back for Aaron and I’s food, he dismissed it with a wave of his Black card. Seeing the ease with which he settled the bill sent a rush of pride through my veins because I remember being broke with him. I remember times when he had to decide between the mortgage on the gym or the lights in his house, when he had to work part-time at the factory with Will just to make ends meet.
Clearly, he doesn’t have those problems anymore.
He doesn’t have a lot of the problems he used to have anymore.
Which isn’t to say that he’s perfect, because he’s human and, most importantly, a man, but he’s something different than the man I knew before. And it’s not because he’s changed all that much—he’s still grumpy and too serious about most things—but because he’s not drowning under the weight of guilt, shame, and insecurity. He’s settled, confident in who he is and what he can be to the people he cares about, and it’s so fucking sexy I don’t know what to do with myself.
I blow out a breath and pick up my phone, dialing the number of the only person who can talk some sense into me right now: Dee. She answers on the second ring, and it’s not until I hear the grogginess in her voice that I remember that ten o’clock is well past her self-imposed bedtime.
“What do you want, Rachel?”
I grimace. “I need some advice, Deanna.”
“Yes, you should call Soledad back and see if the building is still available. If Aaron can do what he wants with his money, you can do what you want with yours.”
“Well, damn, how long have you had that bullet loaded in the clip?” I ask, laughing at her unprompted advice.
“A while,” she says through a yawn. “Please tell me I’ve fulfilled my best friend duties so I can go back to sleep.”
“Not quite. I wasn’t calling about the ballet school.” Which is just another thing on the long list of nonsense I’ve had to deal with lately. “I wanted to talk about the dinner I just had with Riley, Hunter, and Aaron.”
The line goes quiet, and I know she’s fully processed that sentence when she gasps and says, “I’m up.”
I fill her in on everything from the science fair to the phone call I just ended with Hunter, and by the time I’m done, she’s in her kitchen sipping on the glass of wine she fixed when I told her that I did not pull Hunter to the side and give him some pussy as a reward for being such a good daddy. Her words, not mine.
“Why is Aaron being such a little bitch? Was he always that way?”
My feet are perched on the end of Aaron’s desk while I lean back in his chair with the phone cradled between my shoulder and ear, trying to recall an instance in our seven-year history where Aaron showed me that he had this level of petty spitefulness inside him. I can’t recall one.
“I don’t think so. I mean, if he was, I don’t think we’d still be together.” Dee hums her disagreement, and my brows pull together, forming a tight line of confusion. “You think we would?”
Dee sighs. “I mean, you’re with him now, aren’t you?”
“Well, yeah, but things are different now, we have?—”
“You and Aaron don’t have anything now that y’all didn’t have before. You don’t have a child, you’re not married, and your name isn’t even on the deed to the house, so the only thing holding y’all together is you. The question is, why?”
“Because I love him.”
It’s a weak defense. Next to the picture of the bleak reality my best friend has just painted with her words, it feels like nothing. Less than nothing.
“I know you love him, Rae, but do you feel loved by him? Supported by him? I mean, integrating your estranged ex into your kid’s life is hard as hell, and what has Aaron been doing to make it easier on you? On Ri? Has he even checked in with her? Reassured her that he’ll still be there to love and support her even though Hunter is in the picture now?”
I bite my lip to stay the tears burning at the back of my eyes. “I don’t think so.”
“He didn’t,” Dee says with conviction.
“How do you know?”
“Because I asked Riley what Aaron thought of her dad, and she said they haven’t talked about him at all.”
“Oh.” My voice is small, tinged with shame. “I didn’t know that.”
“Well, you can’t know everything, Rae; that’s why you have me.”
“I don’t want you. You’re too mean.”
She laughs, and I do, too, happy to let the heaviness of our conversation subside for a moment. I sigh softly, “I just don’t know what to do, Dee. I mean, I can’t tell if all the hostility I have towards Aaron is because he actually deserves it or if it’s just because I have these rose-colored glasses on when I look at Hunter that makes everyone else look like shit.”
It’s my biggest fear: being unnecessarily critical of Aaron just because the newness of my situation with Hunter is making me feel like he can do no wrong. And it doesn’t help that he and Riley are so connected, while Aaron’s bond with her has suffered horribly from all the changes in our lives.
I’ve been guilty of it before, letting the rose-colored glasses give me tunnel vision, but I can’t afford to take that kind of risk when Riley’s heart and her life are on the line. Before I make a drastic decision like leaving Aaron, I have to make sure I’m seeing him clearly, through a lens unobstructed by the view of Hunter ‘Just Call Me Super Dad’ Drake.
That night, I have a fitful sleep on the couch in the living room and wake up grumpy. My bad mood persists for the rest of the day, only fading when Hunter texts me while I’m in the pickup line to get Riley from school.
Hunter: Afternoon, Sunshine. Are you and the nugget down for an afternoon ice cream date?
There’s a smile on my face as I type out my response that I tell myself is only there because I know the prospect of seeing Hunter two days in a row will make Riley happy.
Rae: Sounds good. We can be there in fifteen.
Hunter: I’ll have your orders ready.
As promised, Hunter has my scoop of Rocky Road and Riley’s sugar cone with vanilla in hand when we arrive at Lick. He’s standing outside, smiling like he’s won the lottery, when we emerge from the car. Riley gets to him first, exchanging her cone for a kiss on his cheek before taking off down the sidewalk, leaving us no choice but to follow behind her.
Hunter hands me my cup, and we fall into step.
“Thanks. I can’t give you a kiss on the cheek, but I do appreciate the ice cream. I needed a pick me up.”
“Wanna talk about it?” He asks, taking a bite of what looks to be raspberry gelato.
“No.”
I can’t talk about Aaron with Hunter because he’d probably be even harsher with me than Dee was last night, and I just can’t take that right now. I expect him to argue or push me to share, but he doesn’t.
“Can we talk about tuition then?”
Knowing I’m not going to get through this trap of an outing without discussing something with him, I nod. “Sure, what about it?”
“I want to pay it.”
“I know, you already told me that.”
“Right, and I’m telling you again so you can give me an answer.”
“Oh.”
“The answer should be yes, Rae. I’m offering to take a significant load off of you financially, leaving you free to pursue your dreams of opening up a ballet school, which is needed, by the way. I have it on good authority that a lot of moms are fed up with Ms. Lena at The Ballet Academy. They’re thinking of taking their kids all the way to a school in Fairview, but none of them want to make that drive.”
I scrunch up my nose and take another bite of my ice cream, chewing thoughtfully before I say, “Since when do you have your finger on the pulse of the ballet situation in New Haven?”
“Since Indigo enrolled her daughter in classes.”
I almost choke on a chocolate-covered almond. “Indigo? You’re still in touch with Indigo?”
My stomach burns with old jealousy made new, reawakened, and inappropriate because Hunter is not committed to me in any way, shape, form, or fashion.
He shrugs. “We text from time to time.”
“A curse of having the same number for decades.”
“Or a blessing, depends on who you ask.” With a hand on my arm he interrupts my stride, causing me to pause on the sidewalk just a few feet from the building I wanted. “Listen, even though you didn’t say it, I know that financial concerns have to be the reason why you couldn’t make things happen with your school. I’m in a position to help you with that and contribute to our daughter’s life in a meaningful way, so please just set your pride aside and say yes.”
Maybe it’s the warmth of his palm wrapped around my forearm or the soft eagerness of his eyes, but at this moment, I can’t find a single reason to say no to him.
“Yes.”
Hunter beams at me, and I yelp loudly when he wraps his arms around my waist and picks me up off of the ground, spinning me around the sidewalk. It’s the closest we’ve been in years, and the familiar scent of his skin—all spiced earth and warmth— transports me back to a time when the only place I wanted to be was wrapped in the strength of his embrace.
When he sets me back on the ground, Riley is next to us, bouncing on her tiptoes.
“Do me next, Daddy! Do me next!”
Hunter obliges her request without hesitation, scooping her up and spinning her around in circles so fast I almost get dizzy looking at them. While they’re caught up in their silliness, I walk the short distance to the building I fell in love with all those weeks ago, something like the hopeful flaps of butterfly wings fluttering in my stomach.
I can do this.
I can do this.
I can?—
The thought dies a quiet, painful death when I stop in front of the building and see that the for rent sign is gone. In the grand scheme of things, it’s not a big deal. With Hunter covering Riley’s tuition, I’m still free to use my savings to start my school and let Aaron worry about everything else. The building being unavailable doesn’t change that. It doesn’t change anything, not really, but as I stand here, looking at nothing but the outline of the sign that welcomed me and my dream to the building, it feels like everything has changed.
“The sign is gone,” I say quietly, turning to Hunter, prepared to repeat myself but stopping short when I see the gleam of silver keys dangling from his hand.
“I know,” he says, dark eyes glued to my face, greedy for every change in my expression as I digest each word. “I came over and took it down as soon as I signed the paperwork this morning.”
“Paperwork?” I gasp, confused by his words and the way my heart starts to pound with genuine excitement every time he says more of them. “You signed a lease for me?”
Hunter’s lips curl into a slow grin that sets fire to my veins and melts me from the inside out. He moves forward—one hand in Riley’s, the other hand holding the keys out towards me—and lifts his brows, silently ordering me to take them.
“No, Sunshine, I bought the building for you.”