Chapter 30 #2
This was the answer I'd been waiting for.
Not whether he could kill enemies for me, not whether he'd protect me with his life.
He'd already proven those things. What I needed to know was whether, when protection became possession, when the line between love and control blurred, he could respect my choices.
Even if that choice would hurt him.
"I was wrong too," I said.
Varlam frowned. "You don't need to take responsibility for my mistakes."
"I'm not taking responsibility for you."
I placed my other hand over his.
"I knew what kind of person you were. I knew you were used to control, knew you didn't trust anyone. But I kept hoping you'd just understand what I wanted."
I took a deep breath.
"I thought someone who truly loved me should understand me without me having to say anything. But that wasn't fair."
Varlam watched me like he didn't dare miss a single word.
"I didn't pull back because I didn't love you," I said. "Quite the opposite. I loved you too much, so those lies hurt that much more. I was afraid I'd forgive too quickly, afraid that one day I'd discover I was just another person properly placed in your vast world."
His breathing stopped. I felt my heartbeat accelerating.
"But I saw your effort. Not the flowers, not the store." I smiled slightly. "That store is still ridiculous."
"What I saw was you starting to ask if I needed you. You stopped answering for me, didn't chase after me when I left your office."
He gazed at me, the tension in his eyes gradually easing. The cable car swayed again. This time, I didn't grab the handrail. I leaned toward him. Varlam didn't move. Those eyes locked on me, like any sudden movement might make me change my mind.
"Still waiting for me to tell you what to do?" I asked.
"Yes."
"Come closer."
He leaned forward. Our knees touched. Heat raced up from the point of contact. I could smell the familiar cedar scent on him, could even see the fine lines at his eyes and the short stubble on his jaw.
"And then?" His voice was hoarse.
His nose nearly touched mine.
"Kiss me."
He paused for only an instant. The next second, his hand cupped the back of my neck, his mouth pressing down. That kiss wasn't exploratory. Wasn't a request. More like a man who'd restrained himself too long finally getting permission, pressing all the unspoken fear, longing, and love into breath.
His lips were warm, though careful. I felt his arm tense, instinct telling him to hold me completely, reason reminding him he had to leave me an escape.
I grabbed his collar, pressing closer. Varlam's breathing immediately grew heavier.
His other hand landed at my waist, paused, then slowly tightened.
His palm pressed against me through fabric, so hot it made me go weak.
The cable car, valley, and wind outside all receded.
I only heard his breathing. And my own racing heartbeat.
He bit my lower lip lightly. A shiver ran up my spine, my fingers gripping him tighter.
I could feel the suppressed tremor in his chest, could feel the ice that had always separated us finally cracking.
I no longer questioned whether he loved me.
He no longer used commands to prove I belonged to him.
We had simply chosen each other. The cable car suddenly shook lightly, slowing down.
Varlam didn't release me. Neither did I.
Not until the cable car stopped completely and Rory's knocking came from outside.
"Are you two moving in there?"
I shoved Varlam away. Outside the door, Rory and Makar stood side by side. Rory grinned, showing all his teeth. Makar's face looked terrible. Varlam methodically straightened my wrinkled collar, his thumb brushing my mouth.
The cable car door opened. Rory immediately threw himself into my arms. I stumbled back half a step, Varlam's hand catching my lower back in time.
"Careful." He and Makar said simultaneously.
The two brothers looked at each other again.
This time, no argument.
I led Rory forward. Varlam and Makar fell behind. The mountain path wasn't wide, their voices carried intermittently by the wind.
"Looks like I don't have a chance," Makar said.
I hesitated. Rory tugged my hand, signaling me to keep walking. I didn't look back. The silence behind me lasted a while.
"You had one," Varlam said.
"Don't act like the victor."
"I'm not."
"You are. Your face just doesn't show it."
Varlam didn't argue. Makar exhaled.
"I'm out."
Those words couldn't be without regret. But more than that was a kind of exhaustion from finally seeing the outcome clearly.
"She was never someone either of us won," Makar said. "She chose you."
"I know."
"Don't hurt her again."
Varlam's answer didn't come immediately. My heart suspended for a moment.
"I won't," he said.
Makar laughed coldly. "You better remember that. If she cries because of you again, I won't care that you're my brother."
"She won't cry because of me again."
"You're too confident."
"Not confidence," Varlam's voice was low and firm. "A promise."
I lowered my head. My eyes still grew hot.
Rory looked up at me. "Are you crying?"
"Wind's too strong."
"There's no wind here."
"Rory."
"Okay." He sighed deliberately. "Adults always have so many secrets."
I pinched his face. "Especially secrets nosy kids can't know."
The rafting was calmer than I'd expected. We put on life jackets and climbed into the same inflatable raft. Varlam insisted on sitting behind me, reasoning that if the boat rocked, he could steady me first. Makar sat in front, responsible for paddling with Rory. Only Makar actually paddled.
Rory's paddle spent most of the time slapping water, splashing everyone.
"Aim for the current." Makar wiped water off his face.
"I'm aiming perfectly."
"You just hit me."
"That might be the current's problem." Rory tilted his face up.
I laughed until my stomach hurt.
Varlam's arm wrapped around me from behind, steadying my body. "Don't laugh too hard."
"You control laughing too?"
"I'm suggesting."
"Big improvement."
He lowered his head, lips brushing my ear. "Any reward?"
"Greedy." My ear burned.
"Only with you." His voice was so low only I could hear.
Makar suddenly paddled hard, water splashing directly onto us.
"Focus on rafting," he said.
I laughed harder. On the return trip, Makar got in another car. Before leaving, he hugged me. Very brief. Very restrained.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
"No," he admitted. "But I will be."
"Makar..."
"Don't comfort me." He stepped back, his mouth barely lifting. "That'll make me feel more pathetic."
I closed my mouth.
Makar bent down and got in the car. Rory pressed against the window waving at him until the car left the parking lot.
On the way home, Rory fell asleep in the back seat.
I leaned against the window, watching streetlights slide across Varlam's face one by one.
The daytime kiss still lingered on my lips.
Every time I remembered what he'd said in the cable car, my chest felt like it was being soaked in warm water.
When we got home, it was already dark. Gleb stood at the door, taking the sleeping Rory from us.
"I'll take him to his room," he said.
Gleb carried Rory upstairs. Rory's head tilted against his shoulder, sleeping without guard.
"Come with me first." I was about to follow when Varlam caught my wrist.
He pulled me toward the backyard. When the glass door opened, warm lights lit up along the stone path one by one.
At the end of the path wasn't a stage. Just a wooden table. On the table sat a thick wedding planning binder. I walked over and opened the first page. Varlam's handwriting was there.
"Groom: Varlam Petrov"
"Bride: To be decided by Briony"
My nose stung.
"You even prepare documents for proposals?"
"Gleb said you'd like it."
"He was right this time."
I continued flipping. Venue, date, guests, flowers, music—all the columns were blank. Only the last page had one sentence.
"Wedding decided by you. Marriage decided by us together."
My tears finally fell. Varlam stood behind me, not immediately touching me.
"May I hold you?" he asked.
I turned and threw myself into his arms. His arms immediately tightened, holding me completely. His chest was solid and warm, heartbeat pounding against my ear through his shirt.
"You made me cry again," I said.
"My fault."
He lowered his head and kissed my hair, then released me and dropped to one knee. Silver-gray hair glowed softly in the light. He pulled a ring from his pocket. The center diamond was held by delicate gold branches, like a flower just blooming.
"Briony."
My heart raced painfully.
"I used to think promises meant making others obey rules that wouldn't change," he said. "Now I know promises mean choosing the same person again every single day."
His voice was steady. But the hand holding the ring trembled slightly.
"I can't promise our life will always be safe, can't erase everything I've done. But I can promise I'll be honest with you, respect your choices, stand beside you when you need me."
My tears kept falling.
"I'll love Rory, treat him as family. I'll protect our child."
He paused.
"I'll spend my life proving to you that love isn't a cage."
Varlam looked up at me.
"Will you marry me?"
I deliberately sniffed. "What if I say I still need to think about it?"
He immediately looked like he was facing a major crisis, but still answered. "I'll wait."
"How long?"
"A lifetime."
My chest completely melted.
"You might not have to wait that long."
Light sparked in his eyes. I extended my left hand.
"Yes."
He slid the ring onto my ring finger and kissed it. His lips stayed on the back of my hand. Heat spread from my fingers all the way to my chest.
"You can stand up now," I said.
"Are you sure?"
"I'm not used to looking down at you."
Varlam stood. The next second, he gripped my waist and lifted me onto the edge of the wooden table. I gasped, hands instinctively grabbing his shoulders.