Chapter 10
Chapter Ten
Icried myself to sleep last night. My eyes are still puffy and red this morning. What was I thinking? I can’t believe, for a brief moment, I was actually going to go through with following CJ to a wedding chapel and marrying him. And honestly, if he didn’t question me, I probably would have.
He saved us both from making a huge mistake.
Although I’m sure the only thing I managed to do was hurt him more in the process.
I’ve made him hate me more. Why would he even suggest we get married?
Argh, I’m so annoyed with myself. With him.
The more I think about it, the angrier I get because fuck him.
He should never had made a suggestion like that to me.
A shadow steps into the doorway behind me. I’m currently standing in the bathroom, applying a heavy dose of concealer under my eyes. I look at the figure and smile. My mum. Her brows furrow when she looks back at me through the mirror.
“What’s wrong? Why have you been crying?” she asks, walking into the bathroom.
She stops next to me, takes my face in the palms of her hands, and gives me a closer inspection before her arms wrap around me and she pulls me tight against her. As soon as I feel her hug, the tears start again. I can’t stop them.
“Oh, honey, what happened? Tell me who hurt you and I’ll have your father deal with them,” she says.
I shake my head. “No one hurt me. It’s me. I can’t… I can’t… It’s all my fault,” I cry.
“Shhh, it’s going to be okay. Come and sit down with me.
” My mum takes my hand and leads me into the bedroom.
She sits on the bed, her back against the headboard, and I curl up next to her, just like I used to when I was a child and needed mum hugs.
“You don’t have to tell me, Daniella, but you will feel better if you talk to someone about whatever is bothering you,” she says.
I shake my head. “I can’t tell anyone, Mum.”
“I’m sure whatever it is, it’s not that bad.”
“It is. I messed up, really bad.” I cry as she tightens her arm that’s wrapped around my back.
I’m way too old to be crying to my mum like this, but right now, I need the kind of comfort that only she can give me.
“I’ll fix it, sweetheart. Whatever you messed up, I can fix it for you,” she says, and I know she truly believes she can fix any problem of mine, because that’s the type of mum she is. She’s always been my biggest cheerleader, right next to my dad.
“You can’t fix this one for me, Mum,” I say through my sobs.
My mum’s hand runs through my hair. “Okay, then we’ll just stay right here until you feel better.”
“I’m never going to feel better,” I tell her. “I will never be okay. I’m not whole without him and I can’t be selfish enough to have him.” My words are quiet, but I know my mum hears me.
“CJ?” she questions, and I nod.
“He was going to marry me last night, and I almost went through with it. I almost caved and just took what I wanted. But then I remembered I can’t do that to him.”
“I don’t understand, sweetie. Why can’t you have him?” Mum asks while she continues running a hand through my hair in a soothing motion.
I push myself up and move so I’m sitting cross-legged in front of her. “I can’t be anyone’s wife because I can’t give anyone a family.” I hold my breath, waiting for my words to hit her.
I see it the moment they do. Her eyes widen slightly. “What do you mean you can’t have a family?”
“I can’t have children. I had issues when I was nineteen. I had to have a hysterectomy. I told you I was going on vacation because I didn’t want anyone to know,” I admit.
My mum is silent, and then she starts crying. “You should have told me something like this, Daniella. I should have been with you. I should have been there to help you,” she says through her own tears.
My dad appears in the room. It’s like he has a beacon implanted inside my mum somewhere that alerts him when she’s upset. Because somehow, he always turns up. And right now, he’s looking between the two of us. Both of us are in tears.
“What the fuck is happening?” He sits on the bed and pulls me into his arms. “Daniella, what’s wrong?
” Then he looks to my mum. He reaches out, grabs her hand, and pulls her towards him, wrapping his other arm around her.
“One of you better start talking before I start slaughtering everyone in this house. What happened?” he growls.
“It’s fine. It’s going to be fine,” my mum says. “We’re okay.”
I know that she won’t tell my dad what has me so upset unless I give her the okay to share this personal information.
I know she’s also going to take a while to forgive me for not telling her about this sooner, or the time I had surgery.
I didn’t want to put this on my family. It’s a me problem.
I’m the one who’s not whole anymore. I suffer enough because of it. They shouldn’t have to suffer too.
“Mum is crying because of me. I told her I can’t have children,” I explain.
My dad has this confused look on his face for a few seconds before he glances from my mum to me. “What do you mean you can’t have kids? Of course, you can’t. You’re never moving out of my house and getting married, Daniella,” he says.
This gets a small laugh out of me because I’ve already moved out of his house. “I’m serious, Dad. I can’t have children.”
“Because you don’t want them?” he asks.
I shake my head. “I want them, so much. I had to have a surgery a while ago and it resulted in me not being able to get pregnant.”
“What do you mean you had surgery? When? Why didn’t I know about this?” When my mum sniffles, my dad pulls her tighter against him. His lips press to the top of her head. “Why didn’t we know, Daniella?”
“I didn’t want to tell anyone.” I look down at the bed. “The only person who knows is Aurelio. I told him yesterday. I’ve never told anyone.”
“You’ve been dealing with this alone all this time. I should have known something was wrong. I’m your mother. I should have known.”
“I didn’t want anyone to know. I still don’t,” I insist.
“We can help you with this, Daniella. Whatever you want, I will find a way to make sure you get it,” Dad says. “If you want babies, I’ll find a way to get you babies, Daniella. Even if I have to find them on the black market.”
I would laugh, but I know he’s not joking about that. “You’re not buying me a black-market child, Dad. I’ll be fine. I will live with the life I’ve been dealt.”
“That’s not how we operate, Daniella. You are a De Bellis. You get whatever the fuck you want in life,” Dad tells me.
“I can’t have what I want. I’ve accepted that.” I shrug. “It’s okay. I’ll be fine. I don’t want you two to worry about this, worry about me. I’ll be fine.”
“You can have anything you want, Daniella. Tell me the one thing you want and I’ll make sure you get it.”
I smile, because I have no doubt he would. Except he doesn’t know that what I want is a person, and a male at that. “I want CJ,” I tell my dad.
His face screws up in horror. “I must have hearing issues, Eloise, because I swear my daughter just told me she wanted a man.”
“She did say that.” My mum smiles at my dad before turning that smile on me. “And if that’s what you want, you need to take it.”
“No, she doesn’t. You’ll get past this, Daniella. You don’t need a man for anything. You can do everything yourself,” Dad says. He’s always insisted that I didn’t need a man for anything, but at the same time has been the man who does everything for me.
“I know I don’t need a man, Dad. I love him, though. And I love him more than enough to not want to trap him in a life with someone like me.”
“Someone like you?” my dad grunts. “Honey, any man would be fucking winning the lottery if they got you. You are worthy of love. You deserve love just as much as anyone else. Probably more because you are a De Bellis.”
I smirk at him. “Thanks, Dad.” I lean over and hug him before standing from the bed. “I’m going to go down and get some water. But I promise I’m okay. Don’t worry about me.”
I get two steps out the door before someone pulls me into another room.
“What the…?” I don’t get to finish the question before a pair of lips press against mine.