Chapter 14 #2
I move into the kitchen to gather around the table.
Everyone is here watching while Sarah lights the five candles on Mikey's dinosaur cake. Mom snaps photos of him smiling while we sing. “Happy Birthday” rings in my ears as I stare blankly at my nephew's face lit up by the glow of the candles. The celebration around me is a stark difference to the thoughts running through my mind. I’m actually really livid that my family is putting the burden of Sarah’s legal problems on my shoulders.
I have no idea what I’m going to say to Noah.
I didn’t want to get serious, and he wouldn’t be interested after getting to fully, truly know me anyway.
Even if I didn’t want to keep everything on the D.L.
, helping my family is my only option here, otherwise I look like the villain.
Noah is a good man. I’m sure he will understand.
How much I feel for him already scares me.
Maybe this is a gift from the universe—a push in the right direction.
A way to hurt just a little now instead of enduring devastating heartbreak later.
Sarah might be self-serving, but I needed to have some sense knocked into me.
This can’t go any further. Not without laying myself bleeding before him. Messy and distrustful as I really am. Even if there wasn’t pressure from Sarah, I wouldn’t have been ready for that. Despite my very real feelings for him, I know in my heart that this is still too new and I’m too scared.
I plaster a smile on my face and head to the living room with my little slice of cake, which crumbles like dust in my mouth. The chatter around me is more like the hum of an annoying mosquito than comforting ambiance.
After gathering up all the empty cake plates, I pretend to check the time on my phone. “Oh, would you look at the time?” I stand and grab my purse, moving swiftly toward the front door.
“Happy birthday, Mikey. Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad,” I say quickly. Before I step out of the door, I realize Sarah didn’t even bother to walk me out.
Mom and Dad look confused, but they both hug me goodbye. Just as I turn toward my car, Mikey comes running out of the house. He slams into my legs and wraps his arms around them. “Goodbye, Auntie Audrey.” He pulls back and looks up at me. “I’ll see you soon?”
I put my hand on his head and ruffle his hair. “You bet.” Then he’s off, running back into the house, taking any defiance I had left with him.
Even when we fight, she’s still my sister and I want to help her.
The days that follow are unlike any I’ve ever experienced.
Work feels like an eternity. Yoga classes feel like a blink.
Time between Noah’s text messages and mine seem to contract and expand without reason.
It takes me hours to respond to him because what is there to say?
I’m seriously considering breaking this off, just when it’s starting to get good.
If I tell Sarah to get lost, she’ll tell Noah everything, and I’ll lose him for good.
Which is a really shitty thing of Sarah to threaten me with.
If I give in to Sarah now, there’s no telling what else she’ll want.
It could set me up for more of this in the future.
Where would it end? How long could I keep the facade up?
How long can I keep hiding from Noah anyway?
The lies would eventually bring us crashing down and it would be my fault.
It’s going to be my fault either way. I can hurt us both right now and save us some pain in the future, or I can continue on this path and eventually break his heart when he learns I wasn’t honest with my intentions.
Doesn’t seem like I have much of a choice.
I spent this morning clutching my coffee cup, worrying about how to ask Noah to see me again knowing what I’m about to do.
I find myself swinging wildly back and forth between being relieved to have a reason to bolt, and bracing for how much this will hurt.
The fact that my feelings for him are this strong after only a few dates scares me.
This is a man I could get attached to. Which means I need to get out at all costs before we get to the point in the relationship where he starts telling me what he thinks I want to hear instead of the truth.
I remember what Nicole said, Noah is not Hunter.
I want to believe that, I truly do, but after just six months of being newly single, I’m not sure I’m ready to test that theory.
Being told he’s okay with something when he’s really not—for years—kills your trust in any human of the male variety.
Is Noah a man who would be willing to do the hard work and build that trust back up?
Maybe. But if I do what Sarah asked, I won’t be giving him that chance. I'll be making the decision for him.
I’m saved from my own thoughts when Noah’s text asking me to coffee tomorrow lights up my phone. It’s a tight turnaround. To be ready to onboard a client and break your own heart in the process of twenty-four hours is a tall task.
I have no idea if he would even want to hire me.
What if the team already provides a social media manager for him?
It’s more likely that there’s someone who does the team’s social media, but their personal pages are up to them.
Either way, if he already has someone, then this is pointless, and it might ruin his image of me.
He could think I’m just trying to cash in on his notoriety, which I’m sure would leave a bad taste in his mouth.
We might be friends, but we’ve never talked about business.
The math is simple. Most athletes make a guaranteed amount from their contracts, but often take sponsorships on the side to make more money.
There’s only one famous tight end I can think of off the top of my head who makes a low salary as far as the NFL goes, but he more than makes up for it in commercials and sponsorships.
What if he moves on and I have to see him dating other people? My heart drops into my stomach. I’ll have to see him happy every day and constantly be reminded of what we could have been had I (and my sister) not gotten in the way.
Besides, there’s no way he’ll stick around when he figures out I’m not looking to settle down and immediately pop out some kids. So as far as I can see, having him at arm's length is better than not having him at all. This way I can shove my blossoming romantic feelings down, down, down.
I wake up the next morning shaking off one of those dreams that feels so real, but the second you wake up it gets wiped from your memory.
After brushing my teeth and hair, I step to the closet where I hung the business casual outfit I agonized over last night with a hefty glass of wine clutched in my hands.
The straight leg jean, ivory silk blouse, and black blazer combo with my nude heels gives me the boost of confidence I need to push myself out the door.
Common Bond is bustling when I arrive. Not sure if I’m glad of the subtle buzz in the shop or mortified by how many people could bear witness to this.
I glance around the room, the scent of fresh ground beans filling my nose.
My heart absolutely sinks when I spot Noah already at a table.
I take a deep breath, trying to push the nausea away.
He went out of his way, like he always does, and I’m here to pump the brakes.
My heart pounds as I realize I spent so much time agonizing over ending things, I never considered what I would do if he said no to me working for him. Worst-case scenario, I leave here completely empty-handed. No Noah, no money for Sarah. Just me.
Noah’s green eyes shine as they meet mine and I take a seat across from him. I drop my laptop bag on the ground, the weight of it dragging me down even more than I’ve been the last few days. He slides my coffee and a blueberry muffin across the table to me and eyes the bag. “Coming from a meeting?”
I smile, but I’m sure it looks more like a grimace. “No, I thought maybe…” I take a deep breath. “We could talk about work?”
“Sure, if that’s what you want.”
“I think you’re great,” I wince at my own cliché, “but I feel like we might be better as business partners than life partners right now.”
Noah stares at me blankly for a second, like the words I’m saying haven’t sunk in, then he leans toward me. “Are you okay? You seem kind of off.”
I should have known Noah would be smart enough to read through this bullshit. That’s what this is, and right now I’m the queen of it.
I can’t even bring my eyes up to meet his. “I’m fine.” It comes out almost a whisper.
“You’re obviously not, Audrey.” He leans back quickly in frustration and sits silently, arms crossed over his broad chest while I set my laptop on the table and unlock it. I know he doesn’t understand what’s happening.
“Did I do something wrong?” He gestures to the laptop.
“No.” My voice wobbles.
“Audrey,” he pleads, “Please tell me what’s going on.”
I breathe hard. “I can’t.” He reaches for my hand, and I pull it away. “Please, Noah. You have to let me do this.” I hope he can read in my eyes the confusion and the conflicting emotions.
I’m afraid of losing him.
I’m afraid of keeping him.
I see his eyes harden. “We can do whatever this is, but how can I trust you when I know you’re lying to me right now?”
“I don’t know.” How does anyone trust at all these days?
If this had scared him off it would have solved all my problems.
If there’s no Noah in my life, there’s nothing at risk here.
No Noah, no heartbreak.
If there’s no Noah… there’s no comfortable warmth.
No clouds in the sky to take the sunset from orange to stunning pink.
I try to hide the tears pooling in my eyes.
He nods in response. Why am I even crying?
This is what I wanted, right? I could have finally stood up for myself and told Sarah to fuck off and dealt with the ramifications of that with my family.
I could have just told Noah about my aversion to having kids and let the cards fall where they may, but at my core I am weak.
So I start my regular speech.
“I have a variety of semi- to pretty-famous clients. They range from influencers to pro athletes. My goal would be to find brands that would align with your image and reach out to them and see if they were interested in a sponsorship or one-off ad on one of your social media platforms. When companies reach out to you, I’ll be there to make sure you’re getting a good deal.
Your agent and I will make sure that everything is on the up and up.
” Noah’s eyes stare blankly back at me while I talk.
The excitement I saw there when I walked in is gone.
He gives one curt nod and then turns his gaze toward his coffee, still half full on the table.
“I’ll have to give my manager Arie a call and get his input.” I nod, not trusting myself to speak. Noah fills the gap. “I’ll do whatever you want me to, Audrey.”
“Let me know what you two decide.” I choke back my emotions. Holding in the tears threatening to fall and trying not to take off like a dog with their tail between their legs.
Noah’s eyes stay downcast as he speaks. “Why are you doing this?”
“I’m protecting myself.”
“From what?” He stares into my eyes now, searching.
“Everything,” I whisper.
I gather my things, and stand. I turn back toward him one last time. His face is sullen and dejected. I hate that I put that look on his face. I hate being this way, but I feel like there’s no way to break these chains.
I’m pissed at Sarah for putting me in this position.
The universe.
Even Noah for being so fucking unflappable.
But most of all, I’m pissed at myself for being weak.