Chapter 22
Chapter Twenty-Two
AUDREY
Since our kiss on the practice field last week, I’ve kind of been avoiding Noah. I just need time to get my head sorted. That might be my problem, though. Thinking it’s my head that needs sorting and not my heart.
My phone rings, breaking me of my reverie. Sarah flashes across the screen and I swipe to answer it.
I’m not excited to be talking to her considering our last phone call.
“Can you watch Mikey on Saturday? Tyler just called and bailed on his time with Mikey this weekend, and I already made plans to do extra tutoring Saturday night.”
“Hello to you too,” I say. “I have plans. A backyard BBQ thing.”
“Good. Sounds like you can bring Mikey with you.”
“It’s not at Noah’s house. It’s rude to show up with extra people.”
“It’s not nice to lie to people either…” she admonishes.
“What if I tell him just to get you off my ass? Then what?”
“You won’t.” Her voice is confident.
I can feel my teeth grinding themselves down to nothing. “How do you know?”
“You can’t help but put people before yourself. You do want to help me, and you want to keep Noah. This way, you’re doing both. You’re welcome.”
She’s not wrong. I’m still fully convinced that if Noah knew all of me, he wouldn’t be interested. The way he kissed me the other day makes me think I could have everything. That if I asked for it, he would give it to me. I’m just not someone who asks for what they want.
“I have to double check and make sure it’s okay.”
“You do that.” I hang up with Sarah and go right to my text messages with Noah.
ME: Hey, Sarah just called and I’ve got the nibling on Saturday night so I can’t go.
There. Open ended, ball in his court.
I swipe away my texts, and turn back to my laptop.
The bright red number over my email is giving me acid reflux, and I’m determined to get it down to zero before lunchtime.
I’m about to type out my salutation when my phone rings again, Noah’s name across it and a photo of him with a butterfly on his shoulder from the museum.
For the second time in five minutes, I swipe to answer my phone.
“Just bring him.”
“What? Who?” My voice is tinged with confusion.
“Your nephew. Just bring him to the team dinner on Saturday night. It’s at Jaden’s house. Chill vibes, and family friendly. It’s a pool and grill out kind of thing.”
“I could never impose like that. I’m already your plus one, I couldn’t bring another.”
“Audrey, it’s just one kid. I’m sure Jaden can spare an extra hot dog. There will be plenty of entertainment, and other kids will be there. Just have him pack a swimsuit.”
“I’ll need to clear it with his mom first,” I hedge.
“Of course.”
“And I would hate to be a burden.” Excuses.
“You’re not.”
“But if you insist…”
“I do.” He does.
“Okay, then.”
“Okay.”
“I’ll see you Saturday.”
“You will.” The line goes silent.
I think we are both thinking about our practice field kiss. It was just a taste, like the perfectly small servings of gelato they have in Italy. He may have kissed me, but I stepped into his space first. I don’t think either of us regrets it.
“We won’t be kissing at the party. Regardless of whether or not I’m bringing Mikey. Just so you know.”
“Mhm,” Noah says, placating me. “It was a moment of weakness.”
“For both of us.”
“But you liked it.”
My stomach drops as if trying to touch my toes. “Okay. Bye now.”
I can hear the chagrin in his voice. “And you want to do it again.”
I can feel the tips of my ears turning the slightest shade of pink. “Gotta go.”
“And I really liked it too.” Then he hangs up. I huff. The man is nothing if not persistent.
Saturday afternoon, I’m digging through my closet looking for the perfect team/family, pool party/cookout outfit.
After putting on a light blue sundress and taking it off, I settle on my white jean shorts with sunflowers stitched on them and a strappy golden tank top.
I throw a bikini in a bag along with some pool towels and sunscreen.
I open the front door and find Sarah and Mikey standing there. She’s got jeans and a T-shirt on despite the heat. He’s wearing swim trunks and a dino T-shirt.
“Hey, little man!” I lean toward Mikey. “Are you ready to go play at the pool?”
Mikey throws his little fist in the air. “Yes!”
“Okay, Mom and I are going to get your car seat in my car for the evening and then we’ll get going.”
Sarah puts a hand behind Mikey’s head and steers him back down the walkway toward her car. “Why don’t you sit in the car’s AC while we get it switched.” Mikey sits on the regular seat while Sarah undoes the car seat.
I open my car doors and lean in the opposite side of her to help her connect it. I could just keep one in my car, but I’d rather do the swap when I need to.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“Helping?” My brows scrunch together in confusion.
“No, I mean telling my kid that family isn’t important, and he shouldn’t have kids.”
“I never said that.” She doesn’t give me any more space to explain.
“Honestly, Audrey. I don’t know what your problem is. What kind of person tells a little kid they don’t have to listen to their parents.”
“What are you talking about?”
She points her finger at me accusingly. “You know exactly what I’m talking about. That little stunt you pulled at Mikey’s birthday?”
“You aren’t letting me speak! I just told him that not everyone feels like they have to have a family of their own to be happy. That everyone gets their happiness from different things.”
“So I ask for a little help with him and you’re just waiting to undermine my parenting?”
“If that’s what you want to take away from what I said, then I can’t make you understand.”
“I don’t understand anything about you, Audrey. I don’t understand why you left a perfectly good guy like Hunter, or why you won’t take over the shop with Lane, or why you feel the need to be so… so… individual.”
I sigh. I’ve known I didn’t want to have children since I was a teenager.
I babysat because it was the best money I could make at the time, but I didn’t love it like my other girlfriends did.
It really blossomed in college when I realized that there isn’t a path you have to follow in life.
Since then, I’ve been reading everything I can on women without children, which led me to feminism.
I can talk about the patriarchy, capitalism, and the Witch Trials’ effect on women’s power until I’m blue in the face and she will never understand.
She won’t want to hear that any time I dream that I become accidentally pregnant, it always ends with me terminating the pregnancy.
That I’m simply not cut out for her normal.
That’s okay with me. I knew that my other friends would get married, have children, and move on from me.
Their days would be spent hanging out with other parents at gymnastics and dance classes.
That’s part of the reason I wanted to work for myself, be my own boss. My business is my baby.
We click the last of the straps into place and lean back to finish talking over the roof of my car.
“I know you don’t, Sarah.” I wipe my hand over my face.
“Do you not want me to watch Mikey tonight? If you think I’m hellbent on uprooting your family, I certainly wouldn’t want to infer my beliefs on such an impressionable mind? ” My voice is drenched in sarcasm.
Sarah’s “No, no. That’s fine” is lickety-split. She wants to misunderstand me, but she doesn’t want to lose my help. “Just don’t answer any more of his big questions. He’s only five and he should be hearing stuff from me.”
“All right.” I don’t want to step in it again anyway. “Besides, I would rather fly under the radar and keep everyone happy with my free childcare.”
She just stares at me, obviously annoyed, and straightens her shirt and heads back to her car to get Mikey out and buckle him in.
“I’ll be back here to get him by ten.”
“We’ll be here.”
She waves to him through the window. “Have fun with Auntie Audrey!”
He waves back as I buckle into the driver's seat.
I look at him in the rearview mirror. “Ready to rock?”
“Yes!”
As I drive, I can feel my anger bubbling up inside me. It’s like now that I’m out of fight, flight, or fawn mode, my brain can finally make sense of what I’m accused of.
Sometimes it feels like my own family is intentionally misunderstanding me.
How else could you explain Sarah taking what I said the way she did?
I’m sure being a single mother is hard, and maybe she’s a little insecure, but there’s no reason to take it out on me.
The emotional whiplash of being needed and trusted for childcare, to being berated for giving an honest answer, is painful.
The sting of always being the minority fucking sucks.
I can feel it beating in the back of my skull, hammering against my goodwill.
I’m not sure what curse I was born with to have my whole family needing me, and at the same time never understanding me.
I take a deep breath to try and bank the flames of my anger as I pull up to Jaden’s house at half past four.
I can’t allow the negativity in my family life to get in the way of enjoying time with Noah tonight.
Even though it's a stark reminder of my spot in life right now. The part of me that desperately wants to be with Noah is being held back by helping Sarah out and the money that comes from Noah being my client. The part of me that’s afraid Noah will reject me is being provoked by Sarah’s reaction.
Every time one of them makes a comment, no matter how inconsequential they think it is, it’s a tiny cut in my skin.
A reminder along with all the other tiny cuts over the years that I’m scared, different.
The weight of everything is so heavy, it’s keeping me rooted in place. Neither moving forward, nor back.