Chapter 32
Chapter Thirty-Two
AUDREY
I wake up to sun streaming through the blinds and a hardness at my back.
Noah’s heavy arm is thrown over me, his breathing slow and even.
The morning’s escaped us. It’s definitely closer to noon than anything.
Ignoring the stiffness behind me, I allow myself one moment to soak everything in.
I’m cozy in Noah’s king-size bed with dark sheets and a gray comforter.
The shirt I borrowed says ‘Property of the Hurricanes’ across it, which I find ironic.
Everything changed last night. Things I can’t take back and don’t want to.
I feel lighter. Like an elephant has been lifted off my chest and I’m taking my first full breath in years.
There’s someone on my side and only my side.
Who’s looking out for the best for me and me alone.
I feel like I can do anything with that support.
Said support stirs behind me, finally waking up.
“Good morning.” His voice is rough with sleep.
“I think it’s more like noon.”
“Either way, I’m making you breakfast.” My stomach growls in answer and we both smile.
We sit at his breakfast nook, pancakes stacked high between us, maple syrup glistening. The house smells like pancakes and coffee. I lick syrup off my thumb and momentarily enjoy the sight of Noah’s face contorting, trying to hide his lust.
I chew slowly before asking, “Are we going to talk about it?”
“It’s perfectly acceptable for a grown man to prefer chocolate chips in his pancakes. Just because I’m an adult doesn't mean I have to settle for fruit pancakes like you.”
“You know that’s not what I meant.” I shoot him a look. Part of me is relieved that Noah is leveling the tension with a joke, making things feel normal. “I meant what we are now.”
“Boyfriend and girlfriend.” Like the answer is written on the walls, plain as day for anyone to read. He shoves a huge bite of pancake into his mouth.
“What does that look like, though?” What about my business? What about his travels?
“We spend all our time together when I’m home.
” He reaches across the table and takes my hand again.
“You’ll have a seat waiting for you at every home game, and I want you on the field before the game starts like the other WAGs.
I’ll buy you a plane ticket to any away game you want to go to.
I’ll make sure you stay in the same hotel as Chrissy. ”
“I’d like that.”
His green eyes pour over our connected hands. We rest here for a second, soaking in each other. The whole world is starting a new week, but we’re just here. Together.
“What are you going to say to Sarah?”
“Things I should have said years ago.” I can tell Noah doesn’t fully understand.
“Do you want me to be there?”
I shake my head. “No, this is something I have to do by myself.” I pause, considering. “But if you want to drop me off and pick me up, just in case things go south, that would be nice.”
Noah’s smile is huge. “Even though this is your battle, I want to be there for you.”
I push back from the table, picking up my plate. “That’s for another day, though. Today I want to pretend like we never spent any time apart.” Quieter, I say, “Like I never fucked this up.”
He rounds the table toward me and wraps me in his arms. “That’s the thing, Audrey, I was never really gone.”
“Last chance if you want me to come in with you,” Noah says, pressing a kiss to my forehead over the center console.
“It sucks knowing you’re about to go in there and argue and I’m supposed to sit out here and wait.
I’m like one of those women in old war movies who say goodbye to their husband at the train station, wrap their jackets closer, and decide to just get on with their lives. ”
“I’m fine, Noah.” I know he wants to be there for me, but this is something I have to do by myself.
I step out of the car with my tiny Prada bag clutched like a sword. The gifts might have been excessive, and I don’t need labels, but the purse and jewelry feel like armor when I wear them, like a part of him is with me, giving me strength.
“Good luck. Not that you need it.”
I nod, using his words to mentally reassure myself. “Thank you.” And with that I shut the door, leaving Noah to watch me walk away.
I’m not sure why I picked Common Bond to do this. You would think I wouldn’t want so many shitty moments marring my favorite coffee shop, but it feels like an advantage knowing the layout of the battlefield.
I take my seat at a small table near the window. The table where I met Noah is open, but I figured I should pick a different one. I made sure I would be here before Sarah because #strategy.
I look up to see Sarah removing her bag from her shoulder and sliding into the chair across from me.
There’s a terse silence between us, and the people-pleaser in me wants to smooth it over.
I strangle that thought and hold out. I’m not going to be the one to break the silence.
She’s in the wrong, and if she feels uncomfortable in the quiet she created, so be it.
“You could just Venmo me the money, you know.” I know she doesn’t see me in the light I would want us to be as sisters, but how did we get here?
The beautiful silver glint of my bracelet from Noah catches her eye and I take the second to say, “There won’t be any money.” Just like every other time, she doesn’t take me seriously at first.
She rolls her eyes. “Okay, sure.”
“No, I’m serious, Sarah. I’m done.”
Sarah leans forward as if daring me. “There will be if you want to keep gifts like that bracelet.” I lean forward to match her, resting my arms on the table between us.
I hold my wrist out in front of me, examining the jewelry.
“I think my boyfriend is quite fond of gift giving, actually.” I look directly in her eyes.
She looks different now. The youthful curve of her face is gone, replaced with one that’s fully adult.
When did that happen? Do I even know my sister anymore? Have I even tried?
But I’m trying now. “What happened between us?”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“We were close as kids. I know we have different careers and lead different lives, but…” I trail off in thought, leaving her space to jump in. When she doesn’t, I continue. “I don’t want us to be like this forever. But I also won’t be your ATM.”
I see a flash of emotion in her eyes, but I can’t fathom what it's from. She quickly looks down at her hands to hide it. When she looks back up, a hard exterior has replaced any chance of peeking through. “I didn’t skirt the realities of life. I didn’t shirk my responsibilities to society like you have. ”
“You don’t think there’s any way to be involved in society other than marriage and reproduction?”
“Not in as meaningful of a way.”
“Did you ever consider that I know that I wouldn’t be a good mom?
” I can see this rattles her. She hadn’t thought of this before.
She assumed, like many do, that every woman is wired to be a caregiver.
“It’s responsible, when you think about it, to seriously consider if you want to or are capable of bringing a life into this world.
Even if I was, I want my freedom. That’s part of running my own business.
You know I’ve never liked being told what to do. ” I smirk at her across the table.
“No man wants a woman who doesn’t want—”
I’m not giving her a chance to finish that.
I hold up my hand, smirk falling from my face.
“Do you know how hurtful it is to say that? I could flip the script and go on to say that maybe men don’t want someone who has another man’s child.
Is that hurtful for you to hear that? Once again, I’m being demonized for picking myself over society’s expectations.
You’re my sister. Don’t you want me to be happy?
Even if that doesn’t look like your happiness.
Could I be a mother? Sure. Would I enjoy it?
No. Would I love a child the way they deserve their mother to love taking care of them?
No, I wouldn’t. So I’m opting out. For myself, yes, but also for my theoretical children.
They deserve better. And so do I.” I let that sink in.
The silence isn’t tense anymore but full of power.
“It’s not about undermining your parenting or influencing Mikey.
It’s actually not about you at all.” I can feel the rightness of every decision I’ve made in the last forty-eight hours rushing through my veins.
It’s the same sense I get when I feel the universe pushing me in a certain direction.
“Noah knows everything. He took some time to decide what he wanted, as is his right, and that time apart nearly broke me, but it meant that he could come back and stay with me without any doubts. I understand there’s a chance that in the future he will change his mind, but even if that happens, I will never regret the time I have with him. ”
For her part, Sarah looks thoroughly doused. Like she was sitting front row for the log flume ride at Splashtown. Her words are nearly a whisper. “Don’t you want me to have Mikey?”
I reach across the table and put my hand on top of hers.
“Of course I do, but Tyler is his father, and if he wants time with Mikey, that’s his right.
Until he does something that deems it unsafe, he can fight for whatever he wants.
It doesn’t matter that he’s still with the woman he cheated on you with.
He can be a bad husband and still be a good father. ”
“What will Mom and Dad think about all of this?”
“They don’t make my decisions for me.” I stand to leave, sliding my bag over my arm again.
“If you need me to babysit, feel free to text, but it will be if, and only if, it fits into my personal life. This doesn’t mean I don’t love you or my nephew.
These are my boundaries. It was wrong of you to blackmail me.
That’s not what family does. But I love you, Sarah.
We’re sisters no matter what. But the guilt ends with this conversation. ”
I’m done letting other people drive for me. I’ve learned stick shift and I’m taking over the wheel of my own life.
With that I turn to leave, heart beating like I just finished a marathon. My strides taking me to the shelter of Noah’s car are quick.
Telling your family off is hard. That’s all I can think as I pick my way through the parking lot to find Noah exactly where I’d left him. Of course he hadn’t moved an inch. Yet I feel like I just moved light years ahead with my life and it feels even better than my most recent orgasm.