Chapter 46 #2
Lane wraps his arm around me in that side hug all brothers give.
“Excited for you guys.” He heads off to the stacks to restock the shelves.
Then it’s just me and Sarah. There’s a beat of silence between us.
We’ve not been so nice to each other in the last couple months.
I kind of feel like it’s on her to break the ice, so I wait her out.
A small smile cracks her lips when she asks, “Chicago?”
“Chicago,” I reply, quoting our family favorite movie from the ‘90s, Tommy Boy starring Chris Farley.
She completes the scene. “Ugh.” We break out into giggles. We both have that entire movie memorized. And it feels like it fits my life right now.
“You’ll come visit me, right? Bring Mikey to see a game?”
She reaches for my hand and I let her take it. “Of course.”
It’s not a lot, but I think it might be the foundation of a new era between me and my sister.
I hurry home to meet Nicole for the season premiere of Survivor. The thought of this possibly being our last in-person Survivor night for who knows how long makes my throat tight.
When I open the door for Nicole, she immediately says, “What’s wrong?” I guess I don’t do a good job of hiding the look on my face.
“Noah is getting traded to Chicago and I’m going with him.” Saying it for the second or third time has really pounded into my head how real this actually is. It’s one thing to agree to go, it’s another to tell your closest friend you’re leaving her, and it’s another to pack up and dip entirely.
“That’s great. Right?” Her voice wobbles a bit, moving between sadness and forced enthusiasm.
Tears prick my eyes too. “Right. A new adventure.” But it comes out quiet, not like someone who is ready to set off on a new quest.
We hug and hold each other for a long time. My best friend of more than twenty years, who’s dedicated her life to helping others. How effective will I be telling her that she needs to do things for herself over the phone? I’ll be way easier to ignore than in person.
We finally break apart when the sounds of the episode start pouring from the TV.
“We’ll do video call Survivor nights, right?”
“Every Wednesday they’re on. Unless you’re working, then we can watch them later. I’ll always save them to watch with you.” Sadness drifts over me again. “I won’t know anyone else there, so it’ll be even more important to me.”
“Join a yoga studio and I’m sure you’ll make fast friends.”
Tears sting my eyes again. It didn’t even hurt this much to tell my family I was leaving. “I don’t want new friends.”
We watch Survivor, but I know I’m going to have to rewatch it later on because I take in nothing of the story.
I don’t know any of the competitor's names or backstory. I don’t know which one is a lawyer lying about being a teacher for game strategy.
I’ll be so lost in a few weeks if I don’t circle back.
I guess I’ll have plenty of time to rewatch while Noah is with his new team and I’m alone in Chicago.
“I found someone to sublet my house way faster than I thought I would, so I’m packing up now and it will all just hang out in storage until we’re ready to go.
Before that, I’ll live with Noah.” Chrissy raises her eyes at me while she washes strawberries in the sink.
“I know, living together already. That’s crazy, but I think it’s Noah’s plan for Chicago.
This is good practice. I’ll know if he hangs up his bath towel before we go to a brand-new city where I don’t know anyone. ”
“That’s important to know before seriously committing. You can train it out of them, but it takes years.”
I take the clean strawberries and dry them gently with a paper towel.
“I think we’ll just get a housekeeper and then I won’t worry about it,” I say with a smirk.
Noah has a cleaner now, but I didn’t grow up with one.
That was too frivolous for my parents. I can’t say I’ll put up much of a fight when Noah insists we get one in Chicago though.
Chrissy dries her hands on the kitchen towel and says, “When do you leave?”
“Our flight is Thursday and we’ll be there all weekend.” I take the knife and start hulling strawberries. Noah and I came early to help get stuff set up for yet another team get-together at Chrissy and Colin’s. He might be the quarterback on the field, but in this house, Chrissy is QB1.
“And how did the parents take it?”
I sigh and focus on the berries in hand. “Noah’s parents took it well. They’re used to football life. They might even move to Chicago. My parents… I feel like I just found my footing in my relationship with my mom. I hope moving doesn’t break that.”
“It won’t.” She puts her hand over mine, still holding a strawberry. “I know you love him.” I startle at her words. Of course, I said them to my mom just days ago, but I thought no one else knew. I haven’t even told Noah.
I meet her eyes. “I do. I haven’t told him yet.”
“Why not?”
“Everything’s been so crazy. He’s sad to leave his team. I wouldn’t want him to think I’m just trying to make him feel better about Chicago, or that I felt like I had to say it because I’m going with him.”
“Don’t wait too long. I think he loves you too.” She turns back to chopping.
I think he does too. I saw it in his eyes at our partner yoga practice. I’m not going to pressure him into saying anything before he’s ready, of course. So I guess we are both just waiting for the right time.
“It’s going to be lonely around here without you two.”
“I’m really going to miss you. You were my first friend in the Hurricane world.”
“Are you breaking up with me?”
I laugh. “No! But we are going to be long distance now.”
“True. That’s a harsh reality. For the boys too.” We look through the kitchen to the living room where the boys are roughhousing.
“Especially for Colin.” She looks at me and I can tell she’s about to say something serious.
I set down what I’m doing and give her my full attention.
“We’ve been trying to get pregnant for a year now and it hasn’t been working.
I know he’s holding everyone up, but he’s stressed out about it.
I’m sure I’m not helping with fertility and ovulation tracking.
Jumping his bones during my fertile window whether he’s in the mood or not.
At first we were trying to keep it lighthearted and just kind of making love when we felt like it and crossing our fingers, but now I’ve had to get scientific about it.
We aren’t making any calls yet, but it sucks. ”
I knew they were going through something.
Noah told me about hearing phone calls between them when they shared a hotel room, but I didn’t think it was this.
Even though I don’t want children for myself, that was my choice.
My heart breaks for Chrissy, who obviously wants it more than anything.
“I’m so sorry to hear that. I know you want a family more than anything. I hope the science works for you.”
She puts her hand on my arm. “Thank you. That means a lot.” She starts scooping the fruit she was cutting off the board to put in its spot on the tray. “So, are you and Noah thinking about starting a family in Chicago?”
I continue cutting the last few pieces of strawberry in front of me.
Since ambushing me at Noah’s scrimmage during preseason, I’ve come to consider Chrissy a close friend.
I don’t think she will care that I don’t want kids, but I don’t want to put a bad taste in her mouth after we just talked about her trouble conceiving.
But if I’ve learned anything from the last couple months, it’s to speak your truth.
“Actually, I don’t want kids.” There. Not so hard.
My heartbeat quickens and I feel the need to try and smooth the admission over.
“I know you do and that’s super cool. I love motherhood for you and hate that it’s been so hard.
Don’t think that you can’t confide in me if you want to just because I don’t have a similar dream as you. ”
She smiles at me and I can feel my shoulders relaxing. “I’m glad you told me. I’ve always said if it’s not one hundred percent yes, then it’s a no.”
I breathe a quick sigh of relief. “Exactly.”
We gather the rest of the fruit we’ve been chopping and pile them onto a serving platter with sweetened yogurt dip in the middle. This was the last thing to put out before everyone arrived. Everything else is either in the oven or on the grill.
When we walk out the back door, with a fruit platter in hand, I notice that lots more people have shown up in the last twenty minutes. People parked and went in through the back gate, so we never saw them.
They descend upon us like vultures. I barely put the dish on the table before hands were everywhere. The cheese plate Chrissy has takes a similar beating. That’s why they BBQ so much. It takes an unimaginable amount of sheer protein to fill these guys up.
I crack a beer and take a seat on the swinging bench. I watch Noah stand next to Colin as they man the grill, and I laugh a little on the inside about how stereotypical this all is.
When did I get so comfortable with these people?
I remember showing up that first day. I had been planning to sit by myself and be as quiet as possible, but Chrissy pulled me in with her dazzling smile.
Once she decided we were friends, there was no going back.
I was in. All in with the team, then Noah. Now I consider them family, too.
That must be why leaving hurts so bad I can barely breathe.
Later that night, I pull back the covers and slide into bed as Noah is saying, “I told Jaden that’s crazy. You can’t freeze beer into ice cubes and make it a slushy.”
I shoot him a sarcastic glance. “I’m glad someone is the voice of wisdom.”
Noah’s head hits the pillow. “It’s a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it.” He’s quiet for a second and I can feel the sadness in it. “Who will do it when I’m gone?”
“I don’t know… Probably Colin. Seems like he’s the next man up.
” Noah rolls to his side to turn the light off and I watch the way his muscles stretch.
He’s got nothing on but boxers, and as much as I enjoy the view, I’m not feeling very sexy tonight.
Honestly, the vibe is more lulled and diffused.
The camaraderie in the air at Colin and Chrissy’s dissipated on our drive home when we realized the next thing we’d be doing is flying into O’Hare to check out what could be our new city—if they offer him a position on the team.
I’m not sure if it’s the cover of darkness or the comfort of the king bed, maybe a combination of the two, but my throat tightens and tears threaten my eyes.
Finally, the heartbreak of saying goodbye to the only city I’ve ever known hits me.
I’m leaving everything. Nicole and I will only get to watch Survivor on FaceTime.
I’m leaving my blood family and chosen family.
No more Rice Box – my favorite Chinese takeout – on nights I’m feeling sorry for myself.
No more Big Power Yoga. My breath comes unnaturally, and I try to be quieter so I don’t disturb Noah.
Tears stream across my cheeks, past my ears, and wets my hair. I take a shuddering breath.
“Hey,” Noah says quietly like he’s shushing a fussing baby. “What’s wrong?” He moves toward me, wrapping his arms around me. We lay, spooning. His words whisper over my ear. “Why are you crying?”
“I’m scared.”
“Of flying?”
“Of leaving Houston.” My words come out in a whisper. It feels wrong to speak at regular volume with the only other sound in the room the ceiling fan spinning on high.
His arms tighten around me. “It’s okay to be sad. This is a big change.” He pauses. “You can change your mind. You don’t have to go with me.”
I sit up so I can turn over and see his face. “I’ve made up my mind. I’m going with you. I can be excited to go and sad that I can’t stay.”
“If it’s any consolation, my contract will probably only be a year or two, so if we don’t like it there, it won’t last that long.”
“Then we would go somewhere else?”
“That’s the way the NFL operates. At least next time we might be able to choose where I go together. If there are options.” He rubs calming circles on the back of my hand with his thumb. “Promise me you want to go.”
“I promise I’ll go anywhere with you.”