Chapter 24 Jenny
JENNY
“Lucas Cross, presenting on Lyra for Black Spruce Ranch.”
What the fuck?
My blood freezes in my veins as I take stock of them—Lyra’s easy gait, the braids in her mane matching the one Lucas tied his own hair into beneath his cowboy hat.
He looks nervous as all hell, but Lyra is a champ, rock solid beneath him.
The pattern he takes her in is simpler than even some of the younger kids took, avoiding the jumps entirely and looking absolutely terrified by the time he exits the rings.
It’s only when he disappears from my sight that I realize I’m standing, my hands balled into fists at my side.
I’m not angry.
Even when I look for it, I can’t find a single drop of the fury that’s been mixing with pain in my chest for the past week. The only thing I feel right now is joy.
Lucas is here, making a fool of himself as he tries to learn something new—something he never cared about but was always important to me—and all I can think about is how fucking happy I am to see him. I dash out of the stands before I have a chance to think about what I’m doing.
I need to find him. I need to see him.
I need to… I don’t even know, but I need to be in front of him again.
A fragile, stupid part of me screams that I need to fix things between us, and I can’t help but agree with it.
If there’s any chance, I have to take it.
I’ve never been so miserable in my life, and I’m realizing now that it wasn’t because I was upset.
It was because I missed him.
I missed him so much I’ve been sick with it, and he’s right fucking here.
I rush toward the back where all of the trailers are set up, apologizing as I shove my way through the gathering crowds. My heart skips several beats when I catch sight of him slipping off Lyra’s back. He reaches into his back pocket and produces a mint, holding it out for her to crunch at.
Mary and Dad are in front of him, and I catch a bit of them congratulating him, but when I skid to a stop beside them, the whole world goes quiet.
There’s nothing left but me and Lucas, the shock written across his face.
Shock that slowly morphs into a blinding smile as he drinks in the sight of me.
I can hardly breathe.
The world comes rushing back suddenly at the sound of Mary’s voice.
“Everett, honey, you wanted to get back home early, didn’t you?” Mary asks, entirely unsubtle, already tugging at his arm. “Why don’t we take Lyra off Lucas’s hands and head back?”
“What?” Dad looks down at her, his brow creasing in confusion, then back up to where Lucas and I are standing in front of each other, both near vibrating with anxiety and unspoken words. “Right! Yes. Yes, I said that. Let’s do that. We’ll see you two later.”
It’s painfully awkward, but that somehow makes it easier to huff out a laugh and meet Lucas’s eyes properly as they take Lyra’s reins and disappear to the trailers.
Pain lances through my chest at the gentle look on his face, the way he maps every single one of my features like he thought he’d never see me again.
To be fair, I didn’t exactly intend him to, but I couldn’t ignore the need to be close to him even if there was a gun to my head.
It feels like gravity pulling us together, yanking at every fiber of my being and begging for closeness.
This is as close as we’re going to get.
It’s fine. It’s enough.
It has to be.
“You did good out there.” My voice sounds ragged, which makes sense, since I’m forcing it out through the tightness in my throat. I can’t tell if the pressure is from tears or overwhelming hope, and I’m almost scared to find out. “I didn’t expect to see you riding anymore.”
I didn’t expect to see him anymore at all, but he knows what I mean.
“Lyra’s been rubbing off on me. I wanted to get more comfortable on her.” He chuckles, sounding just as nervous as I am. “I didn’t know you were watching. Probably would’ve done a shit job if I did.”
“Glad I didn’t call your name out from the stands, then,” I tease.
I immediately wince, uncertainty and the mess between us making me wish I’d kept my mouth shut. It sounds like something a girlfriend would do, and that’s not what I am to him. I’m probably not even a friend anymore, and I—
“Fuck, Jenny, I can’t do this.”
I snap out of my thoughts to find an absolutely ruined expression on his face, his brows twisted together in pain I know all too well.
I open my mouth, close it, struggle for what to say as he stares down at my boots.
When he finally looks up at me, there’s steel in his eyes, a determination that I don’t know what to think of.
“I can’t pretend everything is fine between us,” he says, his voice utterly shattered even as he offers me a shadow of a smile. “I’m sorry. I wish I could, because I don’t want to lose the chance to have you in my life, however you’ll let me, but I can’t pretend that I don’t love you.”
What?
What?
It was a gut blow to hear him say it to Wayne, but looking in his eyes while he says those words makes me feel like I’ve been fucking shot. My breath evaporates from my lungs, a million thoughts rushing through my head and coming out of my mouth in a weak noise.
Lucas seems to think it’s a bad noise, because he winces and rushes into an apology.
“I know,” he blurts. “I know I have no right to say it. Not after how I made you feel. I’ll never forgive myself for that, if it’s any consolation.
” He takes his hat off and goes to rake his hand through his hair, but his fingers get tangled in the braid, and he huffs in frustration.
“I always thought I was asking too much. I didn’t want you to give up your dreams to come be with me, but I couldn’t get into Tallahassee.
I thought it would be better if I found something for myself, because then I could prove to you that I could do it on my own.
I wanted to prove to you that I could take care of you. ”
“Lucas, I never—”
“Please, Jenny, just… let me talk. I need to say this, at least once.” He meets my eyes, his own shining with nervous tears, and I can do nothing but nod.
“I thought—back then and this time, too—that you didn’t want anything serious with me.
I thought I didn’t deserve you at all, much less deserve a life with you.
I told myself to be happy with what I got.
I told myself that if you wanted more, you’d ask me, and I would always give you anything you asked for.
I was too much of a coward to realize I should’ve just asked you myself.
I should’ve made sure you knew how much you meant to me. ”
There’s no stopping my tears now. It doesn’t matter that we’re in public, that ranch hands and families are milling around close enough to see me break down in front of him. All that matters is that my heart is somehow breaking all over again and healing at the same time.
“How could you think I didn’t want you?” I ask, achingly sad. “I wasn’t any better at communicating, I know. I’m not trying to blame you, but… Fuck, Lucas. I never wanted you to think that you weren’t important to me.”
Hope lights up his face, and he takes a step closer, reaching out to wrap trembling fingers through my own.
“I’ll do it right this time,” he says, and it sounds like he’s swearing it in front of God himself.
“If you give me a chance, I promise, Jenny. I’ll decline the job.
I already wrote out the email, but I wanted to send it in front of you.
I’ll do it right now if you just tell me I can have another chance. ”
My head spins, and I’m not sure if it’s from the contact of his hand in mine or the promises he’s making. I place a shaking hand on his chest, his heart pounding beneath my palm.
“Wait, just… Jesus, hold on.” I laugh, squeezing down on his fingers in a way I hope is reassuring. “This is a lot. I need a second.”
He nods immediately, reaching up with his free hand to cup mine on his chest, holding me there like he’s afraid I’ll vanish. “A second, a year, take as long as you need. I’m not going anywhere.”
I laugh weakly, slumping forward to press my forehead against his chest. He’s warm and solid and real, and my heart stutters behind my ribs. I could have this. Properly, really have this.
“Let’s go home,” I say, just loud enough for him to hear. “We can talk, okay? We’ve both been jumping to conclusions and making too many decisions without each other. Let’s do it right this time.”
He lets go of my hand and wraps an arm around me, crushing me against his chest.
“Together,” he whispers, his lips brushing the crown of my head.
“Together,” I agree, beaming even as tears coat my cheeks.
Together.
Yeah, that sounds about right.