Chapter 1
Claire
“You’re breaking up with me on our anniversary? Are you fucking serious, Clay?” I’m seething right now. Seething. I planned a whole night to celebrate, and when he texted me earlier about wanting to talk tonight, I never would’ve assumed this was what he wanted to talk about.
“We’re headed in different directions, Claire Bear.”
God, I hate when he calls me that. You’d think after dating for three years he would know that, but what did I expect?
He forgot I had a peanut allergy once and almost killed me when he made me a sandwich one day.
That should've been a huge red flag, but there I go again, always looking for the best in people who don't deserve it.
There’s nobody to blame but myself.
“Different directions? What happened to the life we had planned for? I thought that was what you wanted? Are you just throwing that out the window?” Clay and I have been dating since our senior year in high school.
He was a baseball player, and I was the girl taking pictures of sports games for the yearbook.
I got hit by a foul ball one day, and Clay came to my rescue.
He brought me an ice pack, and we sat and talked.
It was sweet, but now I wish he was the one who would get hit by a foul ball.
“We’re in over our heads. We’re still young, Claire. We have our whole lives ahead of us, and I don't want to waste it being tied down—”
“Tied down? Is this a joke? You were the one who laid our entire lives out when I agreed to follow you here for college!” Granted, Grand Mountain has a wonderful photography program, but it wasn't high on my list when I was trying to choose a college. Clay was the one who convinced me to come here with him, saying that we’d have the time of our lives growing together in a new place.
What a fucking lie that was. And here I am, the girl dumb enough to believe it.
“Claire Bear, I’m sorry… I just…” He glances at the floor as if he can't look me in the eyes as he breaks up with me.
“Please stop calling me that,” I seethe at him.
“Are you doing this because you’re not in love with me anymore or because you want to start acting like your douchebag single friends?
” Most of his friends aren't the relationship type. I’d cringe at how they’d talk about women whenever I was around them.
I remember being glad that Clay wasn't like them, but now I think maybe he is, or maybe he wants to be.
“This isn't about my friends, Claire. I couldn't keep this from you anymore. I don't love you anymore. I’m sorry. I don't think this relationship is doing anything for either of us anymore.”
Was my love not enough to keep this relationship going?
Was what I put into this relationship not enough?
God, I’m such an idiot. “So, all the shit we talked about concerning our future was what? A fantasy? You were talking about our wedding a couple of days ago, and now you’re breaking up with me?
It doesn't make any fucking sense, Clay.”
“Claire, you need to calm down.”
Oh, absolutely not. “Clay, I’ve been nothing but a dutiful girlfriend to you for three years, and all I got back was false promises!
Excuse me for reacting appropriately for the first time in my life!
” I’m not one to yell. I’m a naturally quiet person, but I can't do that in this situation. I’m pissed off.
“Look, I’m gonna go. I’m really sorry it had to happen this way, but I’ll never forget how good of a girlfriend you were. I hope we can get back to being friends someday.”
“So, I’m not good enough to love as your girlfriend, but I’m good enough to have as a friend after you’ve broken my heart?
” No way. I gave my entire life to Clay.
I followed him to Virginia from our small hometown in Delaware just so he could live out his dream of playing baseball for this school, and he repays me by breaking up with me on our anniversary of all days.
I’m done being a pushover, and I’m done being nice to people who don't deserve my kindness.
“Goodbye, Claire,” he says as he walks out of my dorm.
“Bye, Clay,” I softly say as he gets out of my earshot.
I didn't expect tonight to go how it did, but as I wait for myself to cry about my failed three-year relationship, nothing comes.
I think part of me is relieved over this, but I also feel…
cheated in a way. It seems like Clay had some sort of ulterior motive for doing what he did tonight.
Sure, he was distant the past few weeks, but I thought he was just tired from his pre-season training.
Stupid me for being so naive that I missed all the signs.
God, I’m so sick of myself. All I ever do is look for the best in people and get hurt in the process. I’ve given people in my life more chances than they deserve, and the only thing I get in return is being stuck in a never-ending cycle of hurt.
I whip out my phone before I start my own personal pity party and text my roommate, who I kicked out of our room tonight to make this happen.
Claire: How fast can you get to our dorm with ice cream?
Sara: What the fuck did he do?
Sara: Don't tell me now. Give me fifteen minutes, and I’ll be there.
Claire: I love you, thank you.
Sara: I love you too.
When I put my phone down, the realization of tonight hits me in the chest, and I cave in on myself.
How could I have been so stupid? I’ve been on edge for the past few weeks, and instead of talking to Clay about the distance I felt between us, I let it sit.
Did I want this to happen? Did I want him to do this to us?
We haven't been the same since last semester, and I never knew why.
I think deep down I knew where we were headed, but part of me latched onto the familiarity of Clay and I.
Now that it's over, I’m not breaking down like I should be.
Breakups suck, but there’s still a weird feeling in my gut. Is it sadness? Longing for the future I could’ve had? Relief that a relationship that no longer suited me is over? Guilt? I honestly don't know. But I don't trust Clay. I don't know if I ever did, deep down.
I’m on my floor for who knows how long when I hear my door open with a bang. “Where is that stupid son of a bitch, and can I finally tell you how much I hated him?” Sara asks as she sweeps into the room.
“Gone.”
She puts her bag on the floor before coming over to where I am. “Do you want to talk about it, or do you want to eat ice cream and watch a Christmas movie while I talk shit about him?”
Her question makes me smile, but I’m not sure I’m fully ready to unpack this all tonight. It’s still too fresh. “Option B, please. Even though it’s January, I’ll watch Christmas movies anytime.”
“Perfect,” Sara says as she grabs two bowls to put the ice cream in.
I’ve never been more thankful for someone right now.
She didn't even hesitate to come running when I called her. Our relationship has grown exponentially over the past two years, but I never could've imagined someone like her in my life. Sure, I have some friends at home, but we all went our separate ways. We only keep in touch when we go home for breaks because of how busy we are, which is fine. But Sara is a once in a lifetime friend. Even if I came to Grand Mountain for Clay, I’ll always be thankful that this school brought Sara and me together. She’s a forever friend. That, I am certain of.
But maybe forever has always been a lie.
I guess I’ll find out. Clay certainly didn't believe in that word, so why should I?