Chapter 9 Jacks
Jacks
“Jacks, I don't think he cares enough to spy on me,” Claire tells me as we walk side by side to our class.
“I’d have spies around if I lost the prettiest girl on campus.” I look over and notice that she’s playing with her rings again. “Just saying.” Way to go.
“Thanks.” She pauses before continuing, “You know I’m not doing this so I can get him back, right?”
I look over at her. That was why I thought she was doing this.
That was one of the main reasons I wasn't going to agree to be a part of this. I didn't want to go into this with my own ulterior motives knowing that she had one too. I feel like I should just tell her. But I’m worried about her reaction. “Hey Claire, I actually agreed to this because I’ve had a crush on you since freshman year when I first saw you and fell over on the ice. The only reason I wanted to do this whole fake dating thing is because I’m hoping you fall as hard as I did.
And maybe if you get to know me, you’ll realize that I’m a decent guy and all I want is to make you smile. ”
But I’ll never admit that. Not out loud anyway.
I wish I could. I’m too damn scared to put myself out there like that. I’ve never felt this way before, and I don't know if it’s the real thing, but how do you know if you're good enough? How do you know if you're worthy of feeling a certain way?
I don't fucking know.
“If you don't mind me asking, why are you doing this?”
“I’m not normally this type of person. I don't go out of my way to hurt people like this, but with Clay…” She pauses before continuing again, as if she’s trying to get the right words out.
“Clay broke my heart. He was a person who I loved, or thought I loved, and he broke me a little bit. I never understood how you could do that to someone you supposedly loved. How you can knowingly say something to them and know how it will make them feel. You know that you’ll see on their face that their heart is breaking.
I just…I thought he was my person. It turns out that I just saw what I wanted to see, and not what he was actually showing me. ”
“Oh.” I don't really know what else to say.
I can't say that I understand because I don't. I’ve never been in that type of situation before, but I want her to know that she deserved better than that. That she deserved better than him doing that to her. “I’m sorry. I can't imagine giving your all to someone who just wakes up one day and decides he’s not in love anymore.”
“It’s okay, I think. This is helping.”
“What?”
“This”—she points between her and I—“Us.”
Us. “I’m glad. I’m also glad that he looked like he was in pain when he saw us. You didn't see his face when he walked in, but it was priceless.”
“Part of me feels bad, but the new and improved me counts that as a win in my department.” I see how she tries to hide the smile that's coming through her face, but I notice it before she returns to her normal expression. “I also just wanted to make sure that you know I’m not trying to get back with him. It would be unfair of me to ask you to do this if that was my end goal.”
“But it's not.”
“No, it’s not. I’m moving onto bigger and better things.”
“Good. I do have to say that this is quite fun.” It is.
I genuinely have a good time when I’m around her.
It’s only just begun, but God, it feels like I’ve known her forever.
It feels like we’re just old friends catching up on things we missed in each other's lives. It’s just so…
easy with Claire. To be me and not be afraid that I’m unworthy of my feelings.
I’d settle for just existing around her when all of this is over.
After all, she did just get out of her last relationship, and I would never want to rush her into anything if she wasn't one hundred percent sure that it was what she wanted.
“Fake dating me is fun? Good to know I haven't completely lost my spark after all this shit.”
“Claire, I think it would take a lot to make you lose your shine. But I’m glad you’re not letting him win. I’m glad you decided to give a bit of what you felt back to him. He deserves to know that what he did, though awful, didn't destroy you.”
Her smile hits me in my chest. “Thanks, Jacks.” God, the way she says my name drives me crazy. She drives me crazy. All of these emotions she makes me feel is confusing me, and the way the sun is framing her face right now makes her shine even brighter. Fuck.
I open the door to our building for her, and we both step inside and immediately head into the lecture hall. I make my way over to my seat and expect Claire to go to her normal one, but when I sit down, I feel her slide into the seat next to me.
“Is this okay?” she asks me.
“More than okay. It’s perfect,” I say as I lean over and kiss her on the cheek. One of our rules is only cheek kisses, but that was the first one we’ve ever had.
I guess sparks really do fly because just that simple touch of my lips to her cheek felt…different. I pull back feeling like I got struck by lightning in the best way possible. Fucking hell. I look down at Claire and see her fiddling with her rings again.
Did she feel it too? If she does, she doesn't say anything about it for the rest of class, and I’m stuck barely paying attention to our lecture because I can't get that kiss out of my head.