Chapter Twelve
Taleah
I WAS JUST at Bhodi’s grave a few days ago, but I’m here again today.
We thought TJ would go in front of the judge the day after he was arrested, but that didn’t happen for some reason.
They made him wait a few days and he had his first appearance today.
That was all I knew until Elara called to give me the update.
Now, I need to share the news with my brother because my parents left for another business trip late last night.
They were going to stay home and do everything online, but I told them to go.
Neither one of them need to watch over me like I’m a baby.
TJ is behind bars and he can’t hurt me again.
At least not personally. This time, I have the flowers I didn’t bring the other day as well.
I always feel bad when I don’t come with something to leave for my brother.
Walking up to his grave is as hard as it was the last time I was here.
The ground is so uneven my walker has a hard time moving in the grass.
I don’t use the walkways because it’s too far from where he’s buried.
Plus, I hate running into other people while I’m here.
We’re all grieving and here to pay respects to friends and loved ones.
It’s like private time I hate intruding on when I know how much I’m hurting deep inside.
I look at others and wonder if they carry the same guilt that weighs me down heavily on a daily basis.
The one time I chose to take the path, I ran into an older gentleman who was visiting his wife and son.
He was crying and I gave him a napkin I had in my bag so he could wipe his face.
He thanked me and told me all about his family.
The man was the only surviving member after losing his wife and son and it broke my heart to see and hear how devastated he was.
The same devastation I feel when I think of Bhodi.
Whenever I think of my brother, I can’t help but wonder if Elara and him would still be together or if they would have broken up when my brother left for the military.
I doubt that would have happened because they were so in love.
I think of him getting married and standing up at his bride’s side.
Of the children he’d have by now. My brother’s life was tragically cut short and it’s all because of me.
If I didn’t attend that party with them that night as a third wheel, Bhodi would still be here.
He wouldn’t have gotten into a fight after he’d been drinking.
I’m not even to his grave yet and the tears are falling as I slowly make my way there.
By the time I get to his headstone, I’m out of breath and ready for a nap.
I overdid things at work yesterday and am paying for it today.
Nothing was going to stop me from being here though.
Since my parents aren’t home, I have no one to talk to when it comes to TJ.
Elara still doesn’t know what happened between the two of us in detail because the shame I feel consumes me and I don’t want her to know how bad I let things get between the two of us.
That I allowed him to stay long enough to escalate to physical abuse.
She already thinks I was in an abusive relationship with him and I just don’t see it.
Maybe it’s something I need to work on because when I truly let myself think about everything TJ put me through, I believe she might be right. Something to think about another day.
I push my walker to the side and bend down carefully to clean off the headstone and ground around it.
I’m still not about to sit down like I usually do because I’m afraid I won’t be able to get back up again.
My legs are already shaky and I don’t know how long I’ll be able to stay here.
Once the headstone is cleared off, I set down his flowers to replace the ones that have already been removed because they were dead.
I should buy fake ones and put a bouquet together, but I never do.
There’s something about bringing fresh flowers here that makes a calm settle over me because I know Bhodi actually liked flowers.
He’d spend hours in the gardens at home with our mom weeding and planting new ones each year.
He would come up with various designs so the gardens never looked the same two years in a row.
Not a lot of people knew that about my brother.
“Hey, Big Brother. I’m here again. Trying to make up for the weeks I wasn’t here to see you, I guess.
Elara called me today with an update about TJ.
He finally went in front of the judge this morning and was refused bail.
I guess he was pissed, but he’s behind bars so I don’t have to worry about him coming after me again.
That doesn’t mean I’m safe though. TJ has a lot of friends and I don’t doubt he’ll send someone else after me.
I know calls from jail are recorded, but he’ll still figure out a way to make something happen if that’s what he truly wants to do.
I guess Rex went to the courthouse and that’s how Elara knew he didn’t get bail.
“Bhodi, I don’t know what to think when it comes to Rex.
I haven’t seen him in eight years and now he seems to be all over the place.
Even if I don’t see him myself, he’s inserting himself in my life.
Elara seems to think he loved me back then and is still in love with me.
I don’t believe it because if he loved me, he never would have treated me the way he did back then.
I might have shitty taste in men, but I refuse to allow him to be horrible to me any longer.
Rex can take that shit and leave me alone.
Though, he did have dinner with Elara a few days ago and I know she invited him to her house to meet her husband and kids.
I don’t know how her husband will take to meeting Rex because he knows the truth of the situation.
Tim doesn’t get angry very often, but he hates how Rex pushed us all away back then.
He didn’t even go to your funeral, Bhodi,” I say, letting the tears fall unchecked as normal when I come here to talk to my brother.
For a minute, I tilt my head back and allow the sun to beat down on me.
I’ve just gotten warm over the last few days and today I’m actually a little too hot.
There’s the slightest breeze blowing from the tree near Bhodi’s grave.
It really doesn’t do anything to cool me off, but that’s okay.
Being comfortable isn’t my priority when I’m here.
“I’ve been thinking about starting therapy of some kind to work through everything.
I know if you were still here, you’d make the appointment yourself and drive me there.
Since you’re not, this is a decision I have to make on my own.
Mom and Dad aren’t pushing me one way or the other.
They just keep telling me the choice is up to me and they’ll support whatever decision I make.
I just can’t talk to Elara about everything with TJ.
I’m the reason it all happened in the first place.
You know I always said I’d never be with an abusive man and Elara has told me more than once that TJ is abusive.
I just never saw it for some reason. Maybe I was too close to the situation since I was the one with him.
I hate to cut this visit short, Bhodi, but I’m not feeling the best today.
My legs are really bothering me and I’m afraid I’ll collapse before I can get to the car.
I can’t wait to ride your bike again. I miss being on it,” I say, pressing my fingers against my lips and pressing them against the cold stone resting above my brother.
It will never be the same as feeling his arms wrapped around me in a hug when I’m having a bad day.
Hell, today he’d give me a piggy back ride just because my legs are too weak to walk on my own. “Love you, Bhodi. I’ll be back soon.”
Grabbing my walker, I turn and head back toward the parking lot.
This time, I know I won’t make it walking through the grass so I head for the walkway.
I’m able to walk a little faster this way because it’s smooth and there’s no one else here with the exception of a younger woman a little ways in front of me.
I’m still crying when I get close to her.
“Hello,” she greets me, reaching into the bag hanging off of her arm as I take in the leather covering her back. It has the same design as Rex’ cut. “Here. You look like you could use this.”
The girl hands me over a tissue and I greatly accept it from her. “Thank you.”
“I’m Annistyn. You look like you went a few rounds in the boxing ring. Are you okay?” she asks me, taking in the bruises on my body that are still fading. Especially the ones surrounding my neck. I didn’t bother covering them up for some reason.
“Something like that,” I say, starting to walk past her as she moves with me.
“You don’t look too steady on your feet right now.
I’ll walk with you in case something happens.
I know cell service here isn’t the best. It wouldn’t sit right with me if you fell and I didn’t do anything to help prevent it from happening,” she says as we slowly walk down the walkway.
“I don’t mean to overstep or anything, but if you need help getting out of a situation, I can send you somewhere.
My cousin, Roger, owns a ranch that has everything on it.
There’s animals, a medical team, therapists, and other individuals who have been in similar situations.
I spent a year there myself and got extensive therapy.
I still have appointments with my therapist when I need someone to talk to. ”