Chapter Twenty-Nine #2
“The very next night, I made Taleah think I was cheatin’ on her.
I lost eight years with the love of my life.
All because of the death of my grandma. When we lost her, I didn’t know how to handle it.
My heart broke and I vowed to never feel that kind of pain ever again.
That’s why I started to push you all away.
If you weren’t close to me and I didn’t keep lettin’ you all in my life the way I had been, then I couldn’t get hurt if somethin’ happened to you again.
At least that’s what I kept tellin’ myself.
It’s the reason I didn’t go to the party that night with the three of you and why I stopped answerin’ your calls and messages.
You were closer to me than anyone else and I knew if I lost you it would kill me.
In the end, I lost you anyway. I regret pushin’ you away so much, Bhodi.
I’ve carried the weight of guilt on my shoulders every single day for the last eight years.
“I lived out our dreams, Bhodi. I enlisted and served eight years in the military. Found a great team and we’re still together now.
I saw things overseas I would never wish anyone else to witness.
Tragedies, atrocities with the way people are forced to live, and seein’ how vile enemies are when you’re in their territory.
I watched kids lose their lives because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Our team made the decision to leave the military together because we couldn’t stand seein’ everythin’ we did knowin’ we couldn’t do anythin’ to stop it from happenin’ because we’d be given orders to stand down.
Now, I’m in a motorcycle club with the guys from my team and several others who have joined us.
You’d love them, Bhodi. They’d love you, too.
“The last thing I want to say today is that I’m back with Taleah.
I missed out on eight years with her and I often find myself wonderin’ where we’d be if I didn’t fuck everythin’ up.
If we’d be married with a few kids. Maybe we would have broken up because we were both young.
I was stupid for the way I treated her back then and we promised one another it won’t ever be like that again.
We talk about things and I enjoy the time we spend just talkin’ about our future and how things are goin’ between the two of us.
I’ve been in love with her since we were little and it hasn’t ever stopped.
Like I told her, I tried to fuck other women and push her out of my mind and heart.
It didn’t work. All it did was make me feel like shit and think of her even more.
“Bhodi, I want to marry your sister. I want to have a family and live every damn day like it was my last with her. Together we’re already creatin’ memories I’ll cherish for the rest of my life.
We’ll continue creatin’ them in your memory, livin’ the way you’d want to live your life.
If we ever have a son, I want to name him after you because you are the reason I live my life the way I do.
You taught me to live free while also protectin’ those I love with every beat of my heart.
You showed me what it means to be a real man like our dads.
Together we were unstoppable and I want any child I have to live the same way.
I’ll encourage them in their dreams and be the best form of support they have.
I miss you every fuckin’ day and you will always be my best friend,” I say, letting my tears fall free as I pick at the blades of grass in front of me.
When I go silent, a breeze picks up and I immediately look to the sky above me.
A cloud moves so it’s no longer blocking the sun as the tree next to me sways with the wind.
This is Bhodi’s sign that he’s here with us and is listening to every word I just told him.
I can’t stop the smile from spreading on my face as I let my eyes slide closed and simply enjoy the sun and breeze surrounding me.
“Love you, Bhodi. I promise to treat your sister like the queen she is and I will come back to see you soon,” I say as I feel a gentle hand on my shoulder and know without looking it’s my girl.
Taleah doesn’t say a word to me as I stand and she moves to stand in front of me. While she presses her body into mine and wraps her arms around me, Taleah looks over her shoulder at the grave.
“He’s here with us,” she whispers as fresh tears fall from her eyes and a smile graces her beautiful face.
“For the longest time, this is the only place I ever truly felt at peace and was filled with a sense of calm. Now, I have that feeling when I’m with you.
You’re my home, Rex. Wherever you are is where I’ll be.
I love you. I’m so damn proud of you for taking this step and doing something you haven’t done before.
Something that is breaking you while also putting you back together again. ”
Taleah is right. Coming to the cemetery for the first time and talking to Bhodi broke me all over again.
It feels as if my heart is shattering while also being put back together again because he wouldn’t want me to continue carrying the guilt of his death on my shoulders.
He’d want me to live with his memory filling me while spending each day I get to wake up living as if I’ve never been hurt in my life.
The cracks in my heart are slowly starting to heal and I know I will no longer avoid coming to the cemetery to see Bhodi.
I’ll speak his name and allow myself to think of him instead of pushing those memories to the back of my mind.
“I love you, Doll. Thank you for bringin’ me here today.
I needed to come so I could start healin’.
Bhodi would want me here with you because I know deep down you’re the entire reason my heart still beats and I haven’t given up before now.
You make me want to be the best version of myself and stop holdin’ onto things that are keepin’ me from truly livin’ my life the way I always said I would,” I tell her as I lean down to press my lips against hers.
We don’t deepen the kiss but simply live in the moment. The breeze picks up a little more as I pull back and Taleah starts laughing.
“I don’t think Bhodi liked you kissing his baby sister,” she jokes as I start laughing with her.
Taleah reaches up and wipes the tears from my eyes and face with gentle hands.
She leaves one hand on my face as I place my hands on her hips and just hold her.
After a few minutes, we tell Bhodi goodbye and start the slow walk back to the parking lot.
Taleah plays Bhodi’s favorite song on the way home and we sing along with the windows open and the warm air filling the Jeep around us.
The rest of the day we spend wrapped up in one another on the couch, talking about Bhodi and how we want to live our lives for him moving forward.
I didn’t know this was the day I needed to have, but it is.
I’ve taken a major step forward thanks to my Doll.