Chapter Five #2
Big hands came up and rested on Keegan’s hips, fingers pressing deep. “Don’t,” Kerry said, even as he pulled Keegan closer.
“Don’t?” Keegan prodded.
“Start things you can’t finish.”
Keegan quirked a brow and glanced down to where their midsections pressed together. He was hard as hell, and there was no way Kerry missed it, just as he was fully aware of Kerry’s arousal. “Are you carrying around a lead pipe in there?”
“I’m serious, Kee. I can’t hurt you.”
“That’s why they make lube, big guy.”
The remark earned a small smile, but it didn’t linger on Kerry’s sensuous mouth. “I want you, and it would be foolish to deny it at this point.” Kerry’s fingers flexed on his hips as he heaved a sigh. “We don’t want the same things.”
“Two straining erections say otherwise.” Later, he’d be equal parts mortified and impressed by his fortitude.
Desperation led the charge because he was terrified his opportunity would slip away.
“What is it you think I want from you? Marriage?” He waited for a horrified shudder to rack the big body pressed against his, but it never came.
Keegan placed his hand on Kerry’s chest and slid it upward until his fingers brushed up against silky curls.
“Part of embracing my sexuality is getting familiar with my body and what pleases me. Thoughts of you bring me great pleasure, and I can promise you that marriage, babies, and happily ever after aren’t included in my fantasies about you when I’m riding a dildo. ”
Kerry’s lips parted, and a tortured gasp escaped. “I don’t believe you.”
“You want video proof with narration of every thought that crosses my mind?” He wouldn’t do it, but Kerry’s blistering curse made the idea tempting. “Or are you so arrogant that you think every person who fucks you also wants to marry you?”
“No, of course not.”
“So, it’s just me? You think I’m so pitiful that I will cling to any man who throws me a pity fuck?” Keegan’s desire was taking a darker turn.
Kerry’s restraint broke, and he pushed Keegan against a locker, pinning him with his massive body. Keegan had a momentary flash of fear, but it died when Kerry tenderly cupped his face. “You ever think I’m the one who doubts his ability?”
“Not for once.” The idea was absurd.
“Well, you should,” Kerry replied. Hungry eyes searched Keegan’s face.
Would Kerry kiss him? “I’m not built for happily ever after, Keegan.
I don’t want that. I know what it’s like to love someone with your whole heart only to have them ripped away from you.
I’ve seen what pinning your hopes and dreams on someone else can do.
I never want to feel that level of desolation again.
You are the first person to come along and test my resolve. ”
“And that’s why you could so easily rattle off the length of time between our dances?”
“Yes.” Kerry took a deep breath, and he dreaded what would come next. “But it doesn’t change how I feel, and sometimes I resent the hold you have on me.”
Keegan’s heart sank, and his show of sexy bravado melted like an ice cream cone in August. The urge to get away, to hide and cover his body, rose swiftly, triggering fear and humiliation.
He pushed against Kerry’s broad chest, and he stepped back without hesitation.
“I’m sorry. I know what you’ve lost, and I should’ve respected your boundaries. ”
Kerry turned his back on him and strode a few steps away, stopping abruptly and running both hands through his hair.
He turned back around on a frustrated growl and returned to Keegan, but he didn’t reach for him.
“I don’t want your apology. I want you to understand where I’m coming from.
I care about you a lot, Keegan. You radiate warmth that draws me near, and you smell like sunshine.
You’ve become my happy place, even if against my will.
” Kerry tried to smile to lighten the mood, but it fell flat.
“You light up the world around you, and I never want to be just another asshole who dims your brilliance.”
He closed his eyes and shook his head. Kerry’s expression was that of a tortured man when he met Keegan’s gaze again.
“This is hard for me to say, but it’s necessary.
You deserve someone who will love you like Seth loves Rueben.
I want you to find that guy because I can never be that for you.
” Kerry’s breath hitched as he leaned his forehead against Keegan’s.
“But you won’t find that kind of devotion at the Thirsty Cowboy or by looking in my direction.
I don’t want to be someone who breaks your heart, so please don’t ask that of me. ”
The anguish in Kerry’s eyes flayed Keegan to the bone. His honesty had cost him so much, and Keegan wouldn’t be just another person who crushed Kerry’s spirit. There was only one thing for him to do. “I won’t.”
They stayed that way for a few more glorious moments before Kerry eased back. “I’ll see you out there.”