Chapter 22
Mallorie Jade
18 years old
Acollege campus smells different—feels different, too.
There’s a freedom here that I’ve been yearning for most of my life. It’s the freedom to be who I want to be without people hanging my family’s name over my head—no expectations or disappointments, just me.
I wonder if Langston has found that freedom here yet?
I hope so because if anyone deserves it, it’s him. He’s spent his whole life catering to the pressures of our parents, being the person they wanted him to be. I hope he’s found the person he wants to be now that he isn’t constantly in their shadow.
My phone dings, and a text from my mom appears, reminding me that as much as I’m craving the freedom this campus could give me, I don’t have it yet.
Mom: Your curfew at the hotel is ten o’clock. Your father and I trust you will be on your best behavior while you are there. Do not embarrass us—or Langston.
Mallorie Jade: Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll keep my status of family disappointment firmly contained to the county lines of Benton Falls.
I don’t wait for her reply, slipping my phone back into my pocket as I walk towards the dorms.
Her lack of faith in me shouldn’t sting as much as it does, but I guess old habits die hard.
I haven’t seen my brother in six months, so when he texted me to invite me to visit him at school, there was no way I was turning down the chance.
There’s a pair of steely gray eyes I’ve been missing, too, and this is my opportunity to show up in a casual setting to feel Hayes out.
When he left for college this past summer, I felt things were finally changing. This electrical current ran between us whenever we were in the same room, and I know he felt it, too, because there were times I would catch him looking at me when he thought I wasn’t looking. Then, the day before he left, he kissed me again, and it stole all the breath from my lungs. It changed things for me. And at first, it did for him, too. We texted all the time and talked when Langston was out of their dorm room. We both decided not to tell him about the kiss, or anything else, for that matter, until we figured out what this was. I felt bad about that at first, but now I’m glad we did because those texts and phone calls with Hayes have gotten fewer and further apart.
We both agreed that we weren’t dating, just getting to know each other better outside of me being Langston’s little sister and Hayes being his best friend, but those phone calls and texts felt like the closest thing to dating I’ve ever had. He made me feel special—until he didn’t.
Now, I need to lay eyes on those gray irises that have always held my fascination so I can know once and for all what this is.
Because one thing’s for sure—I won’t wait forever for Hayes Miller to decide about me, no matter how much his kisses make me feel like I’m finally being seen.
Hiking my purse higher on my shoulder, I walk toward Langston’s dorm room. I texted him when I got here, and he sent me the name of his building—so I’m on my own to find it.
It’s not much of a welcome, but I push that thought aside. My brother is a freshman college football player. He has a lot going on. It was nice of him to even invite me to visit. I’m choosing to be thankful for that.
Five minutes later, I’m standing in front of the dorm for athletes, chewing on my lip and waiting for my brother to answer his text and let me in.
It’s the beginning of November, and the air has a chill to it. I soak it in, taking a deep breath to relieve some of the tension building at the idea of seeing Hayes again.
This is my favorite time of year. With the leaves changing colors, it’s a reminder that there’s beauty in change.
Students mill about the campus, backpacks slung over their shoulders and walking to classes. They ignore me, and oddly, I find it nice. It’s nice to blend in without everyone watching your every move and waiting for you to mess up.
The campus is beautiful, with large oak trees scattered around grassy areas. If I went here, that’s where I would study, not confined in one of the old stuffy buildings.
“MJ.” Langston’s voice calls my name from behind me, and I spin, smiling.
He’s wearing the same goofy grin I am, and I sprint towards him, wrapping my arms around his waist and squeezing. I’ve missed him so much. The house has been lonely without him, and Mom and Dad haven’t only gotten worse about their unrealistic expectations for me now that he’s gone.
I’m smothering.
My brother holds me in his arms, squeezing me back and giving me a minute to gain my composure. We’ve always been good at reading each other, even when we fight, so when I step back, my heart sinks to my stomach.
Langston looks the same, maybe a little stronger, and his facial scruff is a little longer, but there’s a deadness in his eyes that scares me. I thought he would be happy here—I had hoped at least—but this doesn’t look like happiness on him.
Hayes promised he would look out for Langston here. How could he have missed this, and why hasn’t he let me know?
Suddenly, fury burns through every part of my body at a boy I thought I could trust. Forget the fact that I was heartbroken when he couldn’t find the time to talk to me these last few months, but this—this feels like it could shatter me.
“Hey,” Langston says, “what’s that look for? Aren’t you glad to see me?”
“Yeah, L. I’m glad to see you. You look good,” I lie.
The smile on my face is forced, and Langston knows it because he forces his own. But neither of us talks about why we have to force those smiles.
He holds the door open for me as we walk inside his dorm room, and I watch him out of the corner of my eye. There’s a sadness that hangs in the air around him. There’s something wrong with my brother, and I intend to find out before the end of the weekend. Then after I find out, I intend to kick Hayes Miller’s butt for not noticing it before now.
We take the stairs to the second floor, where Langston’s and Hayes’s dorm room is. Nerves settle in my belly and buzz around like a hive of angry bees at the thought of Hayes being in there.
I cross my fingers and pray that he isn’t because I don’t know I can handle it right now—not in front of Langston. I want to yell at him for too many reasons, and if I see him, I don’t know that I’ll be able to hold back.
Thankfully, when Langston opens the door, the room is empty. I sigh in relief, and Langston gives me a funny look as I walk into the room ahead of him.
“Well,” he says, throwing his arms wide and spinning in a circle in the tiny room, “this is my humble abode. I’d offer to let you stay here, but I think you would be more comfortable in the hotel.”
Giggling, I nod in agreement, not because the room is too small. I could comfortably make a pallet on the floor, but the idea of Hayes sleeping in the same room makes me want to puke with nerves.
“I think I’ll stick with the hotel.”
Langston grins, throwing himself on the bed.
“I thought so.”
Turning, I take in the room. The walls are filled with the college’s football banners and nothing else. Langston is lying on his bed on one side of the room, and the covers are a mess as if he didn’t bother making it this morning. It seems to match his side of the room, though. Everything is in disarray, including his desk. There’s a bed on the other side that must be Hayes’s. It’s the exact opposite of Langston’s side—clean and orderly. It makes my throat ache a little because I’m getting a glimpse into Hayes’s private life that he never wanted to give me. As much as we talked at first, it was never about anything important. It was like he was holding back, even from the very beginning. I should have known then that he would never let me in, not when Langston was his best friend. I shouldn’t have expected him to either because other than the time he showed up at the jail, everyone always chooses Langston. He is, after all, the better one of the Harrison kids.
“Hey,” he says, sitting up on his elbows as if an idea suddenly just came to him. “There’s a party tonight. I was invited, and I wasn’t going to go since you were here. But if you want—”
My lip slips back between my teeth as I debate. On the one hand, I don’t want to get him in trouble here, but on the other, I crave a slice of freedom like I crave air.
In the end, the decision is simple.
“I’m in.”
Langston’s smile is bright on his lips as he says, “I’ve missed you, MJ.”
When I respond in turn, though, I can’t help but notice how his smile never reaches his eyes.
______________________
The music is blaring out the windows and front door as we walk up to the frat house where the party is.
I’m wearing cut-off jeans and one of Hayes’s long-sleeve shirts I found on his side of the room. It’s baggy and hangs past my shorts. I hope Hayes chokes on the sight of me. I haven’t seen him since I got here this afternoon, but Langston said he’d be here tonight.
Sweat slicks my hands, and I wipe them on the back of my legs. My body feels so heated I’m afraid I might combust in the cold air.
Langston stops before we reach the porch steps and turns towards me. “I’m trusting you not to get in trouble.”
I have to physically bite my tongue to keep from reminding him that the last time I got in trouble was because of him, but I’m not here to fight with him. I’m months from graduating high school. I’m eighteen and think I’ve earned the right to let down my hair a little. So, instead of starting a fight, I nod and say, “Aye, aye, Captain.”
Langston rolls his eyes but gives me a good-natured grin as he wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me to him.
Once inside, the music is nearly deafening, the bass thrumming in my ears. Langston still has his arm around my shoulder and leans down, yelling close to my ear so I can hear him. “I’m going to get us a drink. I’ll be back.”
I nod because, with the music this loud, there’s no way he can hear me if I respond.
Then he’s gone, weaving through the crowd.
Left on my own—again.
Weaving through the crowd of bodies, I search for someplace to be where I don’t feel like I’m too much—too loud, too quiet, too—me. That’s what it always feels like, and here, where I was only invited because of my older brother, it feels like I’m taking up too much space. So, I set out to find a place where I can make myself small, something I’m good at when I need to be. And as I walk, I keep my eye out for a set of gray eyes.
The people around me smell like alcohol and sweat, and it makes my stomach churn. I’m usually outgoing, but something about Langston and Hayes being in a place like this often makes me sick—especially with that look I saw earlier in Langston’s eyes.
Turning right, I head down a hallway that is less crowded than the rest of the house. Langston can come find me after he grabs the drinks.
I’m tired of trying to find him.
I keep weaving through people until the crowd thins so that I can at least breathe. By the sound of the conversation around me, there’s a smaller game room at the end of the hall, so I head there. Maybe I can find somewhere to sit and wait on Langston.
But like always, when I get there, I realize I made the wrong decision.
I’m good at making bad decisions, especially when it comes to the boy sitting on the couch in front of me with a girl on each side of him and his arms wrapped around them both.
I’ve never had a real boyfriend because I didn’t want to subject myself to the guys my parents would approve of, so I don’t actually know what heartbreak feels like. But if I were to guess, I would say it feels like someone is stepping on your soul and crushing you beneath their heel.
An involuntary gasp escapes my lips, and with the music thrumming through the air, there’s no way Hayes heard it, but he must sense me staring at him because his head jerks up, and his eyes meet mine.
Swallowing hard, I don’t break eye contact. I can’t. I’m frozen there like an idiot, heartbroken over a guy who, just like everyone else, found me easy to forget, all while I wear his shirt.
I’m such an idiot.
That thought is all it takes for me to finally get my butt in gear. Giving him a watery smile, I spin on my heel before he can see the tears drip down my face. I hear him call my name and pray he won’t follow me.
Idiot. Idiot. Idiot.
That’s what I am—too dumb to realize that while I had been waiting on him to call me, he had been here finding girls that weren’t too much—that wouldn’t strain his friendship with my brother.
That anger I felt earlier in his dorm room returns.
The front door looms ahead as I push through the bodies blocking me from it. I’m almost there when a hand reaches out and grabs my wrist, pulling me back into a hard chest.
Opening my mouth to scream, I stop when a voice that is like gravel and honey and heartbreak all mixed in one says next to my ear, “MJ, it’s me.”
Like that should give me any kind of comfort.
He’s still holding my wrist, so I yank it out of his grasp and spin to face him.
My hands are shaking as I glare at him. “Don’t touch me.”
Hayes’s brows dip, concern drawing his brows together. It nearly makes me laugh. He’s concerned now. How ironic.
“Let’s talk,” he yells over the music and the voices.
I’m jostled from the side by someone dancing to their own beat, and he starts to reach out to move me out of the way, but I slice him with my glare. He reluctantly pulls his hand back.
“I don’t have anything to say to you. You let me down, but you know what, Hayes? I’m used to people letting me down.”
His eyes grow sad, and that hurts more than anything because no matter how embarrassing and heartbreaking this moment is for me, I’ve never wanted to hurt him.
“That back there is not what you think,” he says, stepping closer.
I shrug. “Honestly, Hayes. I don’t care what it was. I’m just mad you couldn’t be honest instead of just ghosting me. Have you even noticed that something is wrong with Langston? Forget about us. What about him? I trusted you to take care of him. But I guess you aren’t the guy I thought you were.”
“Let’s go somewhere, and I’ll explain. I swear, I can explain,” he says, stepping closer, but I step back, running into someone. I don’t look back to apologize. I keep my eyes on Hayes.
“Fine—but the only explanation I want is about Langston,” I say, crossing my arms over my chest. I might not like it, but I need to know what Hayes has to say about my brother—everything else, well I’m determined not to care.
He nods, and we walk towards the door leading us outside. The night air has gotten chillier, and I shiver once we are out. Hayes notices and takes his jacket off, placing it over my shoulders. I almost shake it off, but he touches my shoulder and says, “Please.”
The sadness in his voice has me keeping it on. I think he knows that whatever we could have had isn’t possible now. But that decision is on him. He made it without me, and I refuse to feel sorry for him—not when I already feel sorry enough for myself.
I’m talking to him for the sake of my brother, and that’s all.
His cologne surrounds me, wafting through the air and smelling like spice and leather.
I’m tempted to hold my breath because that smell has always smelled like comfort. Now, it’s tainted with lies and betrayal.
“The library is this way. It will be quiet there, and we can talk,” he says, dipping his head toward a path to his left. I follow, staying silent, but my heart screams, “Run. Run. Run. Only heartbreak lies ahead.”
But my body ignores that warning and keeps moving forward until we are inside the library, our footsteps echoing across the tile.
Hayes leads me over to a small alcove with two chairs sitting side by side. I take one, but Hayes remains standing, pacing back and forth in front of me. I stay quiet, letting him pace.
Suddenly, he stops in front of me and shoves his hands through his hair. “Why are you here, MJ?”
A laugh so bitter that it surprises even me escapes my lips. “Really, Hayes? That’s what you’re going with?”
“No—No, I’m just surprised. You caught me by surprise. You’re here and wearing my shirt—and I wasn’t ready for that.”
“Yeah, I think that was obvious,” I say, looking past his shoulder to the wall behind him.
I keep my face neutral. He saw the hurt of the initial reaction, but I won’t give him anything past that.
“I’m sorry, okay?”
“For what?” I ask. “That I had to see that you’re just another person whose life I don’t fit into? For not explaining that in person? Or for not telling me about Langston? Which one are you sorry for, Hayes?”
“Can’t it be all of them?”
I shake my head. “No, Hayes, it can’t be because you’re only sorry that I’m calling you on it.”
“That’s not true, Mallorie Jade,” he growls, and fire licks through my veins at the use of my real name.
Jumping out of my chair, I shove at his chest. “Don’t you talk to me like that, Hayes Miller.”
Our noses are inches apart, and my breath is erratic as I try to control my temper.
I’m tired of never being enough. Tired of begging people to love me more than my brother. And what does that say about me?
Hayes’s eyes stay on mine when he says, “It was me who didn’t fit into your life, MJ. I got here, and we talked every day. But I could hear the sadness in your voice because that’s all it was—talking. I wasn’t there to go to football games or take you on dates. Then there was this day that you called me, and it nearly broke me because you were missing out on a party some of the seniors were having at the waterfall so that you could talk to me. I realized you have a whole life to live this year without me. It’s your senior year, and you spent most of your nights waiting for me to get out of class so we could talk. I didn’t want that for you—and yeah, maybe I should have handled it differently, but I didn’t. I am sorry for that. You’ll never know how sorry I am for that—and for what you saw back there. Those girls are just friends, and I know it didn’t look that way—but I promise it’s the truth.”
His words are like an ice bucket on my anger. He’s right. I had been sad because of all the things I’d been missing out on, but what he got wrong was that I wasn’t missing out on them because of him. I’d never had a lot of friends outside of Langston and Hayes—not for lack of trying—but I just didn’t fit in. People were either too intimidated by my family’s last name or wanted to be my friend for the same reason. Sometimes it was both. I got tired of trying to discern people’s real intentions, so I stopped trying altogether. So, those memories I was missing out on were because I was too afraid I would feed the gossip that always seems to circulate in town about me. If he had bothered to ask me why I was sad, I would have told him that. But the fact is, he didn’t ask.
The fight drains out of me, and I sling myself back in the chair. Lacing my hands together, I stare at them and whisper, “I trusted you, Hayes.”
He sighs and sits down beside me. “I know. I’m sorry.”
“You should have told me about Langston at the very least.”
His teeth grind against each other as the muscle in his jaw jumps. “And what would I have told you? That the light in his eyes is missing? That’s not a lot to say, MJ. I was waiting until I could figure out what was happening with him.”
“Yeah, Hayes—that’s exactly what you should have said.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t.”
My whole body feels heavy with the ache inside my chest. “That seems to be the trend for the night. Just—I don’t know. Tell me what you’ve seen.”
Hayes shrugs. “That’s part of the reason I haven’t called. I wouldn’t question if it was anyone except Langston, but Langston hasn’t ever been the person to go against the rules. Now he’s partying all the time and drinking. It has not affected football yet, but I’m scared it will. At first, I thought it was just him sowing the part of him that was smothered at home with your mom and dad, but now—I don’t know. The spark has gone out of his eyes, and that scares me.”
My throat aches from the tears I’m trying to repress as I say, “What are we going to do, Hayes?”
“I don’t know. I wish I did.”