Chapter 48
Mallorie Jade
There’s banging coming from my front door.
Last night was a long night. I had trouble falling asleep after Hayes dropped me off at my house. I tossed and turned all night, thinking about Tanner.
He’s angry—and I get that. His world is changing. That’s enough to make anyone mad, but I don’t know how to help him overcome the anger.
I never knew how to help Langston get over it, either.
With a sigh, I slide the blankets off my legs and grab my phone to check the time, but when I tap the screen, it stays black. I must have forgotten to plug it in last night.
The hardwood floor is cold beneath my feet as I walk the ten feet out of my bedroom to the front door.
Through the window, I see the flash of a police uniform.
Hayes isn’t supposed to work today.
My stomach drops, remembering another time when an officer stood outside my house unexpectedly.
My body shakes as I reach for the knob and open the door.
Campbell stands on my porch, and for once, he’s not wearing his signature goofy grin. His face is somber as he scratches the back of his head. “Mallorie Jade.”
“What, Campbell? What’s wrong? Where is Hayes?” My voice trembles with each question, threatening to release the tears. There’s a hitch in my breathing that I can’t control, and Campbell must realize this because he steps through the door and wraps me up in one of his big teddy bear hugs.
“Oh no, MJ. I’m sorry. I didn’t think about what this would look like to you. Hayes is okay. It’s Tanner. He’s missing.”
The tears break loose, but I pull my head back from his chest to look at him. “What do you mean he’s missing?”
“Theo called Hayes this morning. I don’t have all the details, but Hayes is on his way over there now. He tried to call you, but your phone kept going to voicemail. I offered to come here so you wouldn’t be out of the loop.”
“I forgot to charge it,” I say, dropping my head and letting it smack against his chest.
Stupid.
After Langston died, I’m overly cautious about keeping my phone on, so why, on the one morning I needed it, had I forgotten to charge it?
Campbell’s hand finds my hair, giving my head a friendly pat like he’s comforting a puppy.
And a strangled laugh escapes me.
“Campbell, you are the worst at comforting people.”
He gives my head another pat. “I know.”
I don’t pull back from it, though. I let him comfort me while my mind races a mile a minute, thinking about Tanner.
Where is he?
What made him run?
A thousand more questions dart through my head until a throat clears from the bottom of my porch steps.
“Son, I don’t know why you’re holding my daughter like that, but Hayes might kill you when he finds out.”
I lift my head so fast that the top of it collides with Campbell’s chin.
Campbell groans, and I wince, rubbing at the spot and wiping away my tears.
“Dad,” I say, stepping around Campbell to see him, “What are you doing here?”
He clears his throat again, red settling into the apples of his cheeks.
It’s the second time I’ve seen him look embarrassed.
“I wanted to talk to you, but if it’s a bad time—.” He lets his words trail off.
Campbell steps up behind me and says, “I was just leaving, sir. MJ, charge your phone. I’ll keep you updated.”
I nod, already planning to text Hayes myself.
We both watch as Campbell walks to his cruiser and backs out of the driveway. And when he’s heading down the street, my dad turns back to face me.
“What’s going on?” he asks, concern dipping his brows.
My voice threatens to crack. “Tanner is missing.”
“They just went home this morning,” my dad says matter-of-factly.
“I know, Dad,” I say, trying to keep my annoyance tamped down. My dad thrives on facts—throw in emotions, and it’s a whole other ball game. So his inability to understand why Tanner would be missing after a night like last night isn’t surprising. Disappointing, but not surprising. “Look, I don’t have all the details. I need to charge my phone so I can text Hayes and figure out what’s happening. You can come back another day if you want—”
He inches up another step. “I’m staying.”
Sighing, I nod and leave the door open behind me for him to follow me in while I go charge my phone.
It was a shock to see him at the hospital last night and even more so on my doorstep today.
I can’t think of one reason he would be here, especially since last night was the first time we’ve talked since the soup kitchen.
“Make yourself at home,” I call from my bedroom.
The charger to my phone is by my bed. Walking over, I snag it from the floor and plug it in, pressing the side button over and over again until it’s finally charged enough to turn on.
Sitting down on my bed, I hold my breath as I swipe into it and search for Hayes’s name.
MJ: What’s going on? Have you found him yet?
The text back is almost instant.
Hayes: No. Theo says Tanner took off while he was sleeping. Will you call Bella to see if she’s heard anything?
MJ: Of course. But keep me updated.
Hayes: I will. I’m going to check around with the other football boys.
I don’t bother texting him back—I can’t. My hands are shaking so badly that I can hardly hold the phone. Sitting it down on my nightstand, I try to pull in some deep breaths, but within two, they turn into sobs. I try to cover my mouth so I don’t alert my dad that I’m crying, but they won’t stop coming.
Heavy footsteps sound on the floor, and I’m too embarrassed to look up when he’s standing in my doorway. I keep my head tucked down, trying to hide until polished shoes enter my line of sight. My bed dips with his weight as he sits next to me, and then strong arms are wrapped around me, rocking me back and forth.
The sobs shake my shoulders as he whispers, “Hey. It’s okay. It’ll be okay.”
His voice is so unlike the man in my memories. It’s gentle and loving and only makes the sobs come harder.
Tears soak into his shirt as a cry for a boy who was lost long ago and one who’s lost now, and the whole time, I hope that they don’t meet the same fate.
“Shh…It’s okay.”
He holds me like that until there are no more tears left for me to cry. My eyes ache, and my posture is stiff, but still, I don’t pull out of his hold.
We sit like that—a father comforting a daughter—for a long time.
And when I pull back, he doesn’t fully let me go. His hand stays on my back, rubbing circles as he says, “Tell me how to help.”
“I don’t know. I think you’re doing it. You’re being my dad and not Dr. Harrison.”
He smiles at me, and it’s a little sad. I can see it in his eyes, the ones that are so similar to mine. “I guess I’ve earned that.”
I shrug, not really knowing what to say to that.
“Do you know that you are the first girl in my family in three generations?”
Nodding, I remain quiet, confused about where this is going.
It’s not like that was a secret. Every Christmas and family reunion, everyone would talk about how I was the one who went against the grain in the Harrison family. I guess that trait continued well after I was born. I didn’t fit in the moment I entered the world.
“Did you know that when I held you in my arms the day you were born, I promised myself that I would learn to be the very best girl dad?”
“No,” I croak, my throat feeling raw from all the tears.
“I tried—I really did. But somewhere along the way, I let myself lose sight of that promise I made to you that day. I let my own family’s expectations smother out what should have been important to me. I fell into the generational curses that seem to follow my family—working and keeping up appearances. But I don’t want to do that anymore, Mallorie Jade. I want to do better—I want to be better.”
Tears stream down his cheeks, slipping between the wrinkles and working down his neck.
Working as a nurse, I’ve watched plenty of people cry. At some point, you harden yourself against it because if you don’t, it will ruin you. But sitting here watching tears pour down my dad’s face, I realize that nothing could harden me against this.
“Dad—”
“No, listen—at the soup kitchen, I was—what I mean is—” he clears his throat and tries again. “Your mistakes were not the ones I was talking about. I think I made you believe that God’s love is conditional because that’s how I’ve loved you—how I loved your brother. It’s how my parents loved me, but God’s taught me it isn’t true. God’s love doesn’t have constraints, and thankfully, his forgiveness doesn’t either because I need a lot of forgiveness. I was supposed to be your protector—your brother’s too—and I failed you. And I guess—I guess I’m just asking if you can forgive me, too?”
Can I forgive him?
I’ve forgiven my mom, but that’s because she proved she was willing to work on our relationship together. My dad has fallen into the same patterns as before—never being home, never trying to get to know me—.
Except he did.
He came to my room that day, asking why I became a nurse. Maybe that was him reaching his hand out, and I slapped it away.
Realization stabs in my chest, crushing my ribs.
Isn’t that what I’ve been doing to God, too—pushing him away when he’s been reaching out his hand?
That’s what Silas had been trying to say—what he’d been trying to get Hayes to see.
No matter how little I’ve deserved it, God’s been right there, reaching out his hand.
I didn’t see him moving the chess pieces in my life to get me here. This moment with my dad, Benton Falls, my mom, Hayes—everything has been leading to my healing, and not just healing from my brother’s death, but a healing from the constraints I’ve placed on myself—and God.
I always hated that it felt like I was shoved in a box—made to squeeze myself into even if it meant breaking off pieces—but I never realized I was in a box of my own making.
So even though I’m shaking, I lift my hands and wipe the tears away from my dad’s cheeks. His ice-blue eyes are watery as he stares back at me.
Love.
Fear.
Pride.
That’s what shines back at me in his stare.
“I forgive you, Daddy.”
______________________
After crying in my dad’s arms, I explained what Hayes had said. I’d tried calling Bella’s mom, but she hadn’t answered, so now we are heading to her house.
Maybe Tanner is with her.
“Why do you think the kid ran away?”
My dad is driving, and I’m sitting in the passenger seat of his luxury car.
Country music croons through the radio, making me realize that I’ve placed labels on him, too. I wanted to place him within the lines of my expectations of what a parent should be.
He may always be a Dad who works too much, but it doesn’t mean I can’t have a relationship with him.
We just have to learn to accept each other for who we are—flaws and all.
“I don’t know, Dad. But I know what it’s like to need to get away from the crushing weight of a life gone wrong. Maybe escape was all he could see.”
“Is that how you felt?” There’s so much vulnerability in the question that it makes me sad, but I won’t lie to him.
Honesty is the only way we’ll ever see each other for who we are.
“Yeah, it was. I thought if I left, my problems wouldn’t follow me. But that’s not how it works. You can’t run from the demons inside.”
His eyes stay on the road when he says, “No, honey, we can’t. I tried.”
Trees pass by the window, and within minutes, we pull into Bella’s house.
Her mom’s car sits outside in the driveway. Hopefully, that means Bella is home, too.
I take in a shaky breath, trying to calm my nerves.
A warm hand envelops mine, drawing my attention to my dad.
“Do you want me to come with you?”
“You don’t have to,” I say, but my voice gives me away.
All my life, I’ve wanted him to stand by my side while I face the hard.
“And you don’t have to face anything alone again.”
With one more squeeze of my hand, he turns to open his door, but my hand shoots out, grabbing onto the hem of his sleeve.
“Daddy—” The word is a broken plea from a little girl who needed her dad so many years before, even though she tried desperately not to. He turns back to me with an openness I’m not used to. “Will you pray with me?”
“Oh, honey, it would be my honor.”
I nod, letting go of his arm and bowing my head.
“Dear Heavenly Father. We come to you today because there’s a boy out there somewhere hurting. He needs you, Lord. He needs the comfort that only you can provide. You take the broken and make them whole. Keep your arms around him, and guide him home,” my dad’s voice cracks and pauses, clearing his throat. “And God, thank you for bringing my daughter back.”
Silent tears fall down my cheeks.
I don’t know where Tanner is, but I finally know the one who holds him.
There’s a soft pressure on my arm as my dad reaches out and squeezes my arm.
“Are you ready?” he asks, voice raw.
“Yes.”
He pats my arm, and then he shoves his door open and steps out.
I take one more deep breath and follow.
The walk up the sidewalk is one of the longest of my life.
But finally, we’re standing at the front door. My heart feels like it’s in my throat as my dad lifts his hand to knock, and when Bella opens the door, I nearly cry.
Confusion pulls her brows together, and I don’t even have to ask—Tanner isn’t here.