Chapter Fifteen
If Juliana wasn’t certain she was in love with Jude before, she found that she was even more so. The intensity and intimacy of his kiss was more than anything she had dreamt of when she imagined what true love would be like.
He had opened himself up wide and shared his darkest secrets with her.
Once he unburdened himself, he softened and felt more at ease in her embrace.
She observed a visible change in his posture, as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders after he released everything that had been weighing him down for far too long.
If his father were still alive, she’d give the man a piece of her mind for hurting the man she loved with all of her heart. He’d never know another day of pain if she had anything to say about it.
He deepened their kiss and nibbled at her bottom lip.
The sensation caused her to gasp, and his tongue swept into her mouth, massaging it against hers.
She matched his movements and pushed her body closer to his as he wrapped his arms around her, holding her in place.
He was still naked from the waist up, and she pressed her hands to his bare, muscular chest.
They continued with growing intensity for several moments before he broke the kiss.
“As much as it pains me to say so,” he said, “nothing can occur between us at present.”
Juliana wasn’t sure what he meant, and her expression must have informed him of such, since he continued.
“I feel better than I have in a long time,” he shared. “The next time we are intimate, if that is what you still desire, I don’t want it to be because I am attempting to escape my past.”
She placed a quick kiss on his lips. “I quite understand.” An idea occurred to her. “Perhaps we can simply lie together and sleep. If the dreams return, I will be there to help you remember where you are and not be at unease if you should awaken.”
He contemplated her for a moment. “I don’t know if I should.”
“You need rest, Jude, and I will help ensure you get it. We will banish these nightmares.” She believed it with every fiber of her being. She would love him as hard as she could and will his nightmares to never return.
“I am feeling quite exhausted after the events of the evening, so I suppose your offer is agreeable.” He rose and pulled her to stand. “Shall we, my lady?”
She removed her robe, revealing her night rail underneath. She caught his eyes on her form, watching her while he removed his boots. It was all she needed to confirm he still desired her, which made her grin. She would leave the garment on while sleeping to help reduce the temptation for them both.
They each shifted to different sides of the bed and climbed into their places, almost as if they were a married couple who had shared a bed for years.
Jude pulled the blankets up over them and they lay on their backs next to each other, their shoulders touching.
They lay in silence together for a few moments.
“Would it break any of the rules if I held you while we slept?” he asked.
She wanted nothing more than to be in his arms. She had already decided over her evening meal that she would fight for him, and then fate brought him to her home in the middle of the night.
“I think that would be acceptable.”
He shifted to his side and helped her turn on hers, facing away from him. He draped his arm over her and pulled her closer to him. Her back fit perfectly against his front.
He nuzzled her neck and placed a gentle kiss on the top of her shoulder.
“I’ve never held anyone in this way before. It’s quite wonderful here with you. I had never slept in the same bed with a woman until last night.”
She turned her head so she could look over her shoulder.
“Is it wrong that I delight somewhat at learning that?” she asked.
“Only if it is wrong that I would be driven to maddening jealousy if I thought another man had held you in this way,” he said.
She adored the effect she had on him almost as much as she did the effect he had on her.
“You will be pleased to know you are my first everything,” she shared. “I had never even been kissed in that way before tonight, and I didn’t know kissing could be like that.”
“I didn’t either,” he replied. “And it might surprise you to know I have nothing to compare it to.”
She shifted and turned to her other side so she could face him.
“You’ve never kissed a woman before?” she asked. She suspected it might have been the case, but it warmed her heart to have it confirmed.
“Never,” he said. “It was a rule. Kissing is far too intimate. It might have led to feelings, and I didn’t want that.”
She contemplated what he just said, wondering if that meant he had the same feelings for her she had for him.
If him kissing her meant that he was open to allowing such feelings to grow.
He had already been through enough for one evening, and she wouldn’t press him to declare such a thing when she was supposed to be helping him get some rest. Her questions could wait.
“Well, you are quite good at it,” she said, pressing her lips against his again. She couldn’t resist but to get another taste of his lips and the hint of brandy that lingered on his breath.
They held each other and kissed for several moments. That time, she slipped her tongue against his and took control of the kiss. He groaned, and she smirked against his lips. He broke the kiss again.
“Weren’t we going to attempt to sleep, my dear?” he asked.
She sighed. He was right, of course. She wanted him to be intimate with her because it’s what they both desired, not because he needed to escape the pain of his past. Hopefully, because he felt something more for her than friendship or lust.
She turned again so that her back was to him, reducing the temptation to keep kissing him. But the position of her backside against his front only reminded her of when he entered her from behind, and she worried that sleep wouldn’t come easy for her.
“Goodnight, Juliana,” he said, kissing the back of her head.
She held his hand that was wrapped around her waist.
“Goodnight, Jude.”
*
The rays from the sun caused Juliana to awaken. She was still in the same position, nestled in Jude’s arms, and he was fast asleep. She would lie in that very spot all day if it meant that he got a decent night’s rest.
Coping with such trauma from his childhood, and then not finding the comfort of sleep and much-needed rest, is hard on the body and soul. No wonder he believed himself to be broken.
Her heart still hurt for him, burdened by the belief that he had carried for years—that he was undeserving of love or affection.
It was clear his father never loved him, and he never met his mother.
Jude had never been loved. Until now, she thought.
She would love him with such a vengeance that it might almost make up for the love he never received in his youth.
His breath was still slow and even, and she shifted so she faced him. With the sun out of her face, she let the pace of his breathing lull her back to sleep.
In what felt like only a few moments later, but could have very well been hours by how bright the room had become, she woke from a knock at her door.
Bonnie’s voice called out from the other side. “Are you ready to dress, miss? It’s getting rather late in the morning.”
Jude stirred next to her.
“Come back in an hour, Bonnie, and I shall be ready then,” she said, loud enough so Bonnie could hear her through the door.
Good thing she had locked it, or Bonnie would have come right in.
Drummond surely already knew that Jude was in her chamber, but he was unlikely to tell the rest of the servants.
He had always been quite loyal, and not one prone to gossip.
“Of course, my lady,” Bonnie returned.
Jude leaned forward and kissed her with a quick brush of the lips.
“Not a bad way to wake up,” he said, offering her a lopsided grin, his gorgeous dimples making her heart catch.
“I don’t think you stirred at all last night,” Juliana said. “I would have woken up if you had.”
“That was one of the better nights of sleep I’ve had, maybe in my entire life. Thank you for listening, or for making me talk, rather. I feel freer than I have in a very long while. Perhaps as long as I can recall.”
She cupped his cheek with her hand and initiated a light kiss.
“No thanks needed. You deserve happiness, Jude.”
“So do you,” he said, running his hands along her hip.
“I don’t intend to settle for anything but complete happiness,” she said, smiling at him with all the love she could show him by her expression, without saying the words.
What he shared last night and the healing he needed must remain the focus.
There would be time later for talk of love and forevers.
That could come later, when he was ready to believe that he could love and be loved so deeply in return. Her complete happiness was with Jude.
“I should leave,” he said. “We never sent for Carter, so I guess I must wear my coat from last night, which we left in the kitchen. We didn’t plan this out well, did we?”
Juliana climbed out of the bed. “Follow me.”
“Last time I did that, I ended up in this situation.” His tone was one of mirth, and she playfully swatted at his arm.
“You are much more broad shouldered, so nothing of Edward’s will suit, but,” she paused for a moment, rummaging in her late husband’s dressing room, “ah, here it is.”
She held out a banyan to him. “Put that on. At least if a servant sees you, you won’t scandalize them with your bare chest, as delightful as it is.”
He laughed as she ran back into her chamber and grabbed his boots.
“You can put these on in here,” she said, handing him his boots. “I’ll ring for Bonnie, and while she’s busy attending to me, you can sneak down and find Drummond. He’ll help you with the rest.”
“You are a clever one, my lady,” he said, pulling her to him for another quick kiss.
For a man who wasn’t one to kiss, he certainly appeared to be over the aversion.
“Among other things,” she said.
His expression turned much more ravenous, in a way that excited her to no end.
“You had better walk away now,” he said, eyeing her form from head to toe.
“Will I see you soon?” she asked, hoping she might see him later tonight.
He flashed that lopsided grin again, and she was unsure how she kept from throwing herself into his arms.
“I would count on it,” he replied.
She blew a kiss at him and crossed back into her chamber, closing the door behind her. She gave him a few moments to don his boots and then reached for the bell pull.
Bonnie joined her in a matter of moments and set about readying Juliana for the day. So much had occurred in the last twenty-four hours. She hardly had a moment to take it all in. So much had changed between her and Jude, and she couldn’t wait to see what their future might hold.
She hadn’t been certain if she wished to marry again, but now she did. She wanted to be married to the man she loved. They deserved a life together. And she longed for children. His children, and the family they could build together.
He was beginning to heal from decades of hurt, but was he willing to change his stance on never marrying?