Chapter Five
MATT
Spending the day with Nate and getting to know Alex, his new sidekick, turned out to be just what I needed.
Alex seems like a whole lot of fun. She has so much pep, drive, and energy, whereas Annabelle—the fan we met at Finlay’s last night—seemed calmer and more natural.
Well, before the fandom took hold, I suppose.
I’d love to meet a nice girl, but how the hell am I going to find that someone? It’s not like I can go to a club and find a girl the normal way. No, I have to do something out of the ordinary if I’m going to be introduced to new women.
Sighing, I walk into the kitchen, grab Nate’s leftover cereal bowl from this morning, and place it in the sink.
Then I move to the refrigerator to get the milk for my cereal.
That’s when I spot a business card stuck to the door.
It’s for Whisper’s Fung Shui, and my memory is jogged when I recall he once said he was delving into internet dating guidance or something.
Closing the fridge door, I take a deep breath, wondering if this is something I could really do.
Internet dating? I mean, plenty of people meet this way, but above all, it means I could have some anonymity in the beginning stages.
This could actually work out to be perfect.
Since I don’t have to go into the office today, I turn around and reach for my cell to dial Whisper’s number.
Not long after I end the call, I hear the door.
I step over to answer it with my stomach churning.
I know I don’t have to go through with this, but at least I can talk to Whisper and see what my options are.
I pull the door open, and he stands there in his usual monk attire, holding a tiny bonsai plant and a packet of what look like kale chips.
“Oh, sexy boy, it so good to see you,” he says, stepping into the house and walking straight past me into the kitchen area, where he sniffs the air like he’s testing the smell of the house. I should be used to his strange behavior by now, but no, he still manages to surprise me.
“So, I smell the demons. This bonsai absorbs all the bad qi, yes?” he states, but I think it’s a question. He raises it up and closes his eyes like it’s doing something, so I simply stand here smirking. I love this guy. Sure, he’s probably not doing anything at all, but it is entertaining.
“Um, hi. What’s the kale for?”
“Shh… absorption first, then talking,” he reprimands.
I try to swallow my laughter as he moves the bonsai around the room, held up high, with his eyes shut, as he walks into the furniture, mumbling some crap or other under his breath.
Raising my brow, he finally makes his way over to me by the kitchen as he hums. Then he finally opens his eyes and lets out a long, drawn-out sigh. “There, all cleansed.”
“Oh, good.”
“Fung Shui…” He looks around. “It good how it is for now. So won’t change anything, but I do sense a change in you, sexy boy. You want something in life? Upheaval you seek, no?”
I grin as he places the bonsai on the counter and then turns it so it’s in a particular position. He opens the bag of kale chips and places one in his mouth, chomping down on it.
Looking up at the ceiling while trying to find my words, I lean against the kitchen counter. “I want to try new things—”
“Kale chip?” Whisper asks, interrupting me while handing me the bag.
I chuckle and take one but don’t actually eat it. “I mean, relationship-wise.”
He nods. “Oh… I see. You want to branch out into new horizon. Seek love in new places. To boldly go where no man has been before?” He winks at me and looks down at my crotch, then wiggles his ass, and I furrow my brow, wondering what the hell he’s on about.
“What?”
“It okay. It perfectly normal for man to like other man—”
“Wait, no! That’s not what I’m saying!”
He rests his hand on my shoulder and nods. “No need for shame. I have a book to show many ways of sexual position for man-on-man action…” He pauses. “If you know what I mean?” Whisper pulls his eyebrows up and down quickly.
I let out a small laugh. “You do?”
He smiles wide. “I do. I give you.”
“No, wait, you got me all wrong. I like women. I love women. I want to use your internet dating advice to help me find the perfect woman. Not a man, definitely… not a man.”
He furrows his brows. “Oh, yes, that make much more sense to me. Yes. This much better. We do this instead. I know how to find your perfect match. We make profile and find perfect woman. Ten out of ten for you, Matthew.”
“Yes, that’s exactly what I want. My ten out of ten. But we can’t put on there that it’s me, you know, Matt, bassist from Recoil, or we’ll have a flood of women spamming me.”
“Yes, this true. We must make your profile true, but your picture not. This easy to do with mood lighting. I also take your picture. It easy… I also photographer.”
I smirk and shake my head. “Is there anything you don’t do, Whisper?”
He purses his lips and nods. “Yes, I cannot belly dance, for I have no belly… hahaha. I crack joke. Whisper make funny. You laugh, sexy boy, yes?” he asks while rubbing his flat stomach.
I roll my eyes. “You’re so strange.”
“Strange merely a concept of one’s perception, sexy boy. Your strange, my normal, your normal, my strange, and so it goes around and around till someone loses an eye… hahaha. I make funny again.”
I furrow my brows. “How is that funny?”
“Isn’t that how the joke go?” he asks, picking up and pulling out my MacBook.
I shake my head from side to side slowly while he grins wide like the Cheshire cat.
“Okay, maybe not, but I still think it funny. Okay, come sit with me, we make your profile on this site I always use. It best one for people like you.”
“People like me?”
“Yes, people who not so sure on how love should go. People who have rules on love.”
I nod, trying to follow. “Okay, so which dating site are you putting me on?”
Whisper smiles and types in the website address, sending me to I furrow my brows and curl up my lip slightly at the name of the website.
“What’s the deal with the name of this site, Whisper?” I ask, and he nods like he knew this question was coming.
“This site for people who are pessimistic about love and only looking for real relationship. Nothing like one-nighter or anything that give out false hope. Lovepessimist for people who believe love is out there, but you have to work hard to find it.”
“Okay. So what do we do first?”
“We take a picture of you, sexy boy.” He pulls out his cell while moving in and fussing with my hair. I chuckle as he swooshes my hair to the side, and then he moves me up against the wall.
“Okay, so you look down and to side so we see profile of face, but not be able to tell exactly who you are in picture. Yes?”
“Yes, perfect. You know exactly what I need.”
He nods. “Yes, Whisper know it all, sexy boy. I do artistic-looking shot that will have all the women intrigued.”
Whisper takes a few shots and ends up deciding on the one with the darkest lighting, giving just a hint of my profile. It’s just enough not to give away who I am or what I truly look like. Sure, the girls will want to know more, but in the initial stages, it will be sufficient.
Whisper types out a very specific description and criteria of what type of woman I’m after, leaving no room for misunderstandings.
“You do know putting this stuff will limit type of women you get coming to your profile, sexy boy?”
“Good. I don’t want to waste my time on anyone who doesn’t fit my standards.”
Whisper huffs, shaking his head. “This narrow-minded and right girl doesn’t fit into window. The window normally open, and it’s the beauty in horizon that most splendid. Not the beauty that fits within frame.”
Nodding, I sigh. It’s either her or not. There’s no in-between. And the only way to do that is to be specific in what I’m looking for, right? “I need to be specific about what I’m after, Whisper. The list stays.”
Whisper nods, and we continue to type up the information online, spending the rest of the afternoon working on my profile.
We look through possible candidates and send Pessimistic winks to those that fit within my list. He tells me what to look for on the profiles to sort the good from the bad, the desperate from the sensible, and all that type of crap.
He actually seems to know what he’s doing, which is a pleasant surprise.
Maybe he is a guru. But you can never really tell with Whisper.
One minute it’s working out great, and the next, it can all turn to shit.
After sorting through it all, Whisper has to leave to go to work at the dog grooming business, and I chuckle at just how many jobs he actually has. At least, his internet dating guidance guru sessions are cheaper than his Fung Shui ones—this session only cost me $299.00.
So is this a bargain in comparison? No, not really, when I could have probably done this shit on my own.
His help has been somewhat useful, but his company and friendship are always great to have around, even if it’s questionable at best.
It’s getting late, and I’m lost on my computer when the front door swings open with fits of laughter floating in.
I look up to see not only Nate but also Alex walking through the door as she tries to mess with his hair.
Obviously, I’m missing a joke they just shared between them, but he’s not laughing as much as she is as they enter the house.
Alex looks at me, and she lifts her chin in a greeting. “Hey, other brother,” she says, and I chuckle.
“Didn’t know you were coming over,” I reply, and she mockingly frowns and curls up her nose at me.
“Well, sorry to disappoint.” She rounds the sofa and slumps down next to me, the cushions bouncing with her energy.
“You’re no disappointment,” I reply.
Nate scoffs out a laugh and comes over to sit next to me on the other side. He looks down at the computer on my lap.