Chapter Twenty-Eight
MATT
It’s been a week, a solid week, without Alex in my life.
I haven’t tried to call or message her. I have looked a few times to see if she’s checked the text messages I’ve sent previously, but she hasn’t.
And even though I did finally admit to myself the feelings I’m pretty sure I have for her, it’s too late now, and she’s out of my life.
I know we weren’t a couple, but this sure-as-shit feels like a breakup.
I know we were only together that one time, but emotionally, I think we were more like a couple for longer than I realized.
I miss her so much.
And being Tuesday today, it’s hitting me hard that I’m going to be spending another night without her. Tuesdays were our day, it was our thing, and now I can’t even watch a Taco Bell ad without wanting to throw the remote at the television.
I’ve been asking Nate how she’s doing, but he won’t tell me much.
He hates being stuck in the middle. But what he has told me is she’s basically working hard and keeping to herself.
Alex isn’t hanging around him as much, and he thinks it’s because he reminds her of me, and it’s shit that I’ve hurt their friendship too.
My actions aren’t only affecting me—they’re affecting my friends, my family, and the people I love.
I wish there were something I could do to make Alex feel better, but the only thing I think might work is time and distance. And I’m giving her that. As much as I hate it, I’m giving her the space she needs from me, though it’s killing me a little more every day.
It’s getting close to six thirty, and I know that’s the time Alex would be arriving home and when we’d usually be starting our Taco Tuesday.
Unable to do anything remotely close to our Malex routine, I pull out a bag of M&Ms and nibble on them, aimlessly watching my cell, wondering if tonight might be the night she’ll give in and call. Just the thought of our ship celebrity name has my chest squeezing.
When my phone suddenly beeps, I glance down, full of hope, then sigh when I notice it’s Charlotte.
Sinking further into the sofa, I click open to read her message.
Charlotte: Hey, hope your night’s going okay. I’ve been thinking of you today. I know you’re sad about the fight with your friend, but I’m here if you need to talk.
I sigh. Charlotte’s been good the last week.
I figured I wasn’t going to make the same mistake with her that I made with Madeline and not tell Charlotte about Alex.
However, I haven’t told Charlotte the full extent about Alex.
I told her that we were best friends, we’d had a falling out, and that I’d been having a hard time without her.
Charlotte is being supportive about it all, which is nice.
It’s been good to have someone to talk to, especially someone with an unbiased opinion.
Me: Thank you. That’s nice of you. It’s great to have a friendly ear…
I hit send, and the typing bubbles come back almost instantly.
Charlotte: Well, what do you say about catching up in person and talking it out? I’d love to meet you, even if it’s just as friends. I know you could do with one right now.
My chest tightens at reading her words. Knowing how badly things went south the other two times I met my internet friends, I’m erring on the side of caution and not agreeing this time. But Charlotte is the only person listening to me at the moment, and I don’t want to put her off by saying no.
Great!
Damned if you do, damned if you fucking don’t.
Me: Yeah, okay, when were you thinking?
I hover over the send as I gnaw on my bottom lip, wondering if I really want to do this. She did say as just friends, which makes it easier to walk away if I want to. But having an ear right now would be good.
Charlotte: Maybe this weekend? I have to work all week, but either Friday night or Saturday? Whichever suits you.
Taking a deep breath, I clench my eyes shut, wondering if I should delay it for as long as possible or try to get this happening sooner.
Me: Friday night would be good for me. How about we catch up for drinks somewhere? Just something casual? Nothing too fancy?
Charlotte replies with a smiley face and one simple word—perfect.
A sense of guilt rushes over me.
Instantly, I think of Alex and that I should be trying to spend time with her.
Slumping back onto the sofa, I grab another handful of M&Ms and shove them into my mouth.
Whisper would die if he saw me eating these.
He hates candy about as much as he hates ice cream.
I smirk, thinking I should probably spend some more time with him, but he’s a friend of Alex’s too, and is probably angry with me right now.
I truly get that, and I deserve everything, especially after the way I’ve handled it all.
Sighing, I slump even further and bang the back of my head on the headrest of the sofa as a Taco Bell ad comes on the television.
“Oh, come on!” I call out and throw an M&M at the screen. Deciding I’ve had enough of today, I’m calling it. So I switch off the television and make my way to my bedroom, dodging the ficus by the stairs before I traipse up them and head to bed.
Sure, it’s early as fuck, but I’m probably going to lie in bed sulking anyway.
FRIDAY
I’ve spent the last few days going through Alex withdrawal.
Not being able to call her is making this way more official than I would like.
But I have to face the truth—she doesn’t want me in her life, and I have to let her go.
She said it would make her happy, and that’s all I want for her.
So instead of fighting for her like I want to, I’m letting her go and choosing to let her be happy.
I just hope it’s the right damn choice. I doubt myself every day, but then I hear her voice playing over Scott’s cell, saying that for her to be happy, I need to let her go.
It’s absolutely killing me, but her plea for happiness is in a constant loop. Which, I think, is actually making this pit in my stomach almost too heavy to bear. Knowing she believes her happiness weighs on my absence…
But right now, I can’t think about that.
I have to go and meet Charlotte for drinks. She’s been great over the last few days—supportive and sweet—and I almost forgot she doesn’t know who I am and that I have to go through this whole process of Matt, the bassist from Recoil, bullshit again.
Sighing, I know I should call Scott and let him know what’s happening.
I’m well aware that I must have security with me at all times in public.
It’s a deal we all made with Tillie and Oliver.
It’s the reason why Nate and I had Scott and Dwayne assigned to us.
But for once, just once, I’d like to go out and not feel like I’m this trapped man.
Charlotte seems perfect in every way, but who really knows? I don’t even know how Charlotte’s going to react when she finds out who I am. According to my list, ha! My stupid fucking list. Now that I think about it, I think that damn thing is what has led me here.
Hopefully, she understands we’re meeting as friends.
Friends only!
That’s what I need right now and for the foreseeable future.
I just want a friend, and I’m optimistic she can be one.
There’s a small street fair happening not too far away from here, and that’s where we’re meeting.
Sure, it will have a few people around, but wearing my usual celebrity disguise of shades and a cap, I should be hidden enough that no one will notice.
Charlotte knows I’m going to have on a Rush Dayley baseball cap.
He’s the latest IT guy. A fucking mega superstar in the same league as James Arthur, Ed Sheeran, those types.
Amazingly talented. I love his sound. I bought the cap at one of his concerts, so I figured it was safer to wear than a Recoil one.
A pair of Aviators hides my eyes, and a hoodie covers everything nicely around the neck. I know I look a little gangster, but that’s okay. I don’t need to make an impression.
Grabbing my keys, I decide to make a judgment call. It could be a bad idea, but I never do anything exciting.
Matt, the sensible one? Well, not to-fucking-day!
Shoving my cell in my jeans pocket, I take a breath, knowing I’m probably being stupid, but I think all my sense and reasoning went out the door when Alex told me to leave her alone.
Scott will probably kick me in the nuts when he finds out I’ve gone without him, and no doubt Tillie will be in line, but you only live once.
And right now, I would not call what I am doing fucking living.
I walk out of my empty house. A home I used to love and look forward to going to has become as hollow as I feel. Now it’s just me, and I hate it here.
Sighing as I leave, I lock the door behind me.
Sliding into my car, I have no idea how this is going to go, but I’m hoping for the best.
Because right now, life can’t get any worse…
Can it?