Chapter 18 Lily
Lily
Today I was exhausted and overwhelmed. Even though I'd gotten a little closer to Leo, he still didn't trust me with personal stuff. Sure, we played plenty of video games, but that alone wasn't bringing us any closer.
And then there was Oliver, who just seeing him in the hallways made me nauseous. Being away from Kyle during this time helped me stay out of his circle, which in turn helped me avoid interacting with him. However, that didn't change the fact that this guy was still around, causing damage to people.
I've been watching him bullying younger boys, being rude to women, and watching me when he thinks I'm not paying attention, and it makes my hair stand on end. I wonder how long it will take him during this time to try to get closer to me.
In my first life, I'd been naive enough to think Oliver was just misunderstood, that he acted out because he needed support and understanding.
I'd even felt sorry for him sometimes, making excuses for his cruelty by telling myself he was dealing with his own problems. But now, with adult eyes, I could see him for what he really was, cruel, sadistic, and calculating.
This time, I wouldn't make the same mistake of thinking he deserved my sympathy or my patience.
All these thoughts made me need a moment alone to catch my breath.
The hospital was usually my safe place; tending to other people's illnesses helped me focus on something beyond my own spiraling thoughts.
But today my mind wouldn't cooperate, wouldn't let me lose myself in the work.
So I locked myself in the nurses' break room to eat a snack and try to center myself.
A few moments later, Kyle came in.
I'd almost forgotten he worked there, too. We'd both made a silent agreement to try to live our own lives, and we'd practically been ignoring each other.
I know I should feel relieved that things were this way, that we were maintaining our distance.
But part of me wanted to be near him again, even if it was to keep fighting and demanding things that hadn't even happened yet.
He was the only person who could really understand me in this mess, the only one who knew what it was like to carry decades of memories in a teenage body.
And right now, feeling stressed and overwhelmed, I realized how much I missed having someone who just understood without needing explanations.
Did I want him because I knew he understood me for what we carried in silence, or for who he used to be in my life?
I wondered how much all this would affect the future, knowing that under other circumstances, it wouldn't be like this. These were our closest moments, but now things were different, and I didn't know if that was better or worse for what we were trying to achieve.
"Hey," Kyle said.
"Hey," I responded, taking a bite of my granola bar. "So you already got the sling off."
"Yeah," he replied, moving his arm a little. "It wasn’t that bad. The sling was just to keep it still for a couple of days after the fall."
"Glad it's over then," I replied, unsure of what else I could say. We used to be able to talk for hours about nothing and everything. Now we couldn’t even manage small talk without feeling forced.
He sat down across from me, running a hand through his hair. "And you? How's your week been?"
I wanted to tell him how it really had been.
How I'd found myself looking for him in every hallway and every corridor of the hospital.
How I'd catch myself walking past his classes, hoping to see him through a doorway.
How I'd started entire conversations with him in my head, arguments, explanations, confessions I'd never have the courage to say out loud.
How I'd reach for my phone a dozen times a day to text him before remembering we weren't those people who texted each other all the time anymore.
How the silence between us felt heavier than any words we'd ever shared.
I wanted to tell him that every night I replayed our conversation at the park, wondering if I'd been too harsh, too guarded.
That I missed having someone who understood me, especially now that he is the only person who could understand what it meant to carry adult memories in a teenage body.
That sometimes, in those moments between sleep and waking, I forgot we were supposed to be strangers now.
But admitting any of that felt like handing him pieces of my heart I wasn't sure I could afford to lose again. "Weird but good,” I said instead. “Yours?"
"Same." He paused. "Any progress with Leo?"
This was the real reason we needed to talk. Our mission. The reason we were taking advantage of this inexplicable second chance. Not whatever complicated feelings still existed between us. And I needed my mind to understand that, so we wouldn’t complicate things more than they already were.
"I've been asking him about his relationship with Brandy, trying to get a sense of where they stand, but he hasn't been very responsive. Every time I bring her up, he changes the subject."
"Do you think he knows Jeremy has feelings for him and is just ignoring him?"
"Maybe. I don't know." I sighed, frustrated by my lack of progress. "What about you? Any luck with Jeremy?"
Kyle's face brightened slightly. "Things have gone a little better for me. Jeremy is a great talker once you get him going. And according to him, I'm a 'pretty boy.'" He mimicked quotation marks with his fingers.
"Well, he's not wrong." The words slipped out before I could stop them. Kyle's smile widened, and I felt my cheeks flush. This was dangerous territory. I was supposed to be keeping my distance, not complimenting him. But God, it was hard, especially having him so close to me.
"You know what I thought we could do today?" He changed the subject, and I was glad he ignored my comment because I wasn’t sure I could respond as I should.
"No, what?"
"Let's go to the park behind the church again. Ten years ago, we used to go there every time we left the hospital. Now we haven't been back since our conversation."
Under other circumstances, that would be exactly what I wanted.
God, I've been thinking of excuses to get close to him myself.
But I know it wouldn't be the right thing to do.
It wouldn't be a good idea because things aren't like they used to be.
We didn't know the things we know now. And our relationship wasn't damaged before.
Going back to our special place, continuing the tradition that had once meant so much to us felt like playing with fire.
It would blur the limits between the teenagers we were pretending to be and the adults we actually were. Between the couple we'd been and whatever we were now.
"I don't know if it's a good idea..." I said slowly.
"Why not?" he asked.
"Given the circumstances we're in, we should focus our mission on fixing all the problems that can happen.
" I knew even as I said it that it was a weak excuse. The reality was that I was afraid that going back to that park would make me remember how much I’d loved him, how safe I'd felt with him, how complete we'd been together.
And remembering all that would make it impossible to maintain the careful distance I'd been working so hard to keep.
His expression hardened. "Our situation is also a problem that needs to be fixed, Lily. You have to learn to think about yourself, too."
"I can't afford to think about myself right now.
I need to fix all that needs to be fixed around me so I can be happy and finally be at peace.
" And that's precisely what I should be focusing on, not on myself and my conflicting feelings, but on all the people who, unconsciously, are counting on me to save them.
How could I think about my own happiness when my brother’s future was at risk? When my family's well-being depended on what I did next?
"Something that always bothers me about all this is that you act like you're the only one who lost something."
I blinked, taken aback by his sudden change in tone. "What do you mean?"
"I lost things too, I was hurt too." His voice rose slightly. "My best friend died, I lost the one I thought was the love of my life, my family fell apart, and my life was never the same again, so please stop feeling like you're the only one suffering because you're not."
I felt hurt by his words, mainly because his pain was his own fault.
How dare he compare his losses to mine? To Leo's?
He made his choice in that courtroom. Circumstances beyond my control ruined my life.
I never had the power to make any decisions, but Kyle's life is the result of all the decisions he and his friends made in the past.
"You chose your losses. Every single one of them was a consequence of a choice you made." I stood up abruptly and started gathering my things. I needed to get out of here before I said something I'd regret. "I have to go."
But as I tried to move past him toward the door, he caught my arm. Not roughly, but firmly enough to stop me. "No, Lily. We can't keep doing this. It's time you stop escaping your problems. People shouldn't run away when things get difficult. They should face them."
The accusation stung because a part of me knew it was true.
I'd been running from this conversation since the moment we went back in time.
Running from the feelings that resurfaced every time I looked at him.
Running from the hope that maybe, just maybe, we could be reunited.
"You want to talk about running away? You ran all the way to Australia.
I stayed and faced the consequences of what happened every single day. "
"You're right," he said, surprising me. I'd expected defensiveness, excuses, anything but this raw honesty. "I did run. But staying doesn't always mean facing things, Lily. Sometimes it just means building walls around yourself and calling it strength."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying that maybe we both got it wrong the first time.
Maybe running and hiding are just different ways of being afraid.
" He released my arm but didn't step back.
"And maybe if we're going to fix what happened to our families, we need to start by figuring out how to stop being afraid of each other. "
I wanted to argue, to maintain my carefully constructed defenses.
But his honesty disarmed me in a way his anger never could because he was right.
I was afraid of him. Afraid of trusting him again.
Afraid of what it would mean if I let him back in.
Afraid of losing him all over again if things went wrong.
"I don't know how to not be afraid of you."
"I don't know either," Kyle responded. "But maybe that's where we start."